My risk...

[troubledmind2013]

Hello. Well this is my story. I am an active duty army medic, and despite years of training I too am freaking out. I am married, and happily so, believe me! Still, to say that I have some sexual identity issues is putting it mildly.  Before being married I had some wild times with both men and women so I got tested for HIV and my status was negative. (By the way, we test yearly by regulation.) one week ago I had anal penetrative sex with a complete stranger at an adult theater. About a month before that I had anal receptive sex with a different guy. I don't know why I am doing this, breaking marriage vows just isn't something I do, but I have done it and now I am loosing my mind with fear, guilt, and shame.  I am not experienced enough to know if the condom broke, I know it did not when, I bottomed. When I topped though, we were interrupted and I pulled it off without really noticing. Do you know anything about the statistics of condom failure? I am terrified I might have put my wife at risk because of my stupid and selfish actions. I have no one to talk to here, so the anxiety just keeps building and feeding off the fear and self loathing. I took a baseline blood test for HIV two days ago, and will go in for a primary test around May 11th, and again in that first week of July. I would say that I am looking for signs and symptoms, but frankly I am so worked up I am sure to feel like I have all the symptoms of seroconversion! Do you know of any counseling or group chat that discusses high risk sexual behavior online? I am stationed in Germany and haven't found anything locally. For obvious reasons I cannot go through behavioral health with the army. I am sorry, I'm ranting. Thank you for all you do.

[jkinatl2]

Honestly, it sounds from what I have read that you don't have much, if anything, to worry about.

Your partner's condom did NOT break when you bottomed for him, which is the most important thing.

Your condom did NOT likely break, as you would probably have pulled out to see shredded latex around the ring at the base. Condoms are double dipped at 45 degree angles to ensure stability - but a side effect is that when they break, they usually do so catastrophically. You likely would have seen that.

Had your condom broken, topping is a fraction of the risk as bottoming in anal or vaginal sex. In the ten years I have been doing risk assessment here, I have NEVER seen an insertive partner test positive after a condom break, whether in vaginal or anal sex.

I do not see this as an HIV situation. As a sexually active person outside of a monogamous relationship, I encourage you to get a complete STD panel done every six months. Wearing condoms certainly lessens the risk of other STDs, such as syphilis (which shared the three month testing window with HIV) but it hardly eliminates them. I know the military tests once a year, but I tend to err on the side of caution and suggest twice a year for EVERYTHING, including HIV, so long as you are not in a mutually monogamous relationship.

I understand you have guilt because, according to your wife and your situation, you feel that you are supposed to be in exactly that. But until such time as YOU are monogamous, you need to take care of yourself AND your wife and get tested regularly. And sadly, this means not having unprotected sex with her while you are in ANY three month window period for an STD. That really means three months for syphilis as well as HIV.