sociopathic behaviour, please help

[srmn98]

Hello All,

I need some good, solid, rational advice. Here is an abbreviated version of my story:

I found out about my HIV status about a month ago. I have been handling things fairly well and am adjusting to this new life. I disclosed to my ex-boyfriend immediately. Because he had admitted to cheating, I thought he was the source. He claims he was tested and that he is negative. He even showed me his test results, whether they were real or not I have no idea. In my gut, I do not believe that he is negative as I used condoms with ALL of my previous partners in the last 7 years.

At first, he tried to be supportive of me. He asked me to get back together with him. I had coffee with him a few times while in crisis mode of finding all of this out. That is about it. After a year of his lying and cheating, I knew I could never go back to him. I took a road trip this weekend and had my phone turned off. When I turned it back on, there were 9 text messages from him, each one crazier than the previous. Not concerned messages, but rather hurtful ones.

Next came an email, accusing me of making this "whole HIV" thing up. He asked what kind of person would do that. He asked how could I do this to him (ignore him) when he was there for me.

I talked to my therapist and decided that I wanted no more to do with him.

I told him today, via email, that I wanted no more contact with him. It was a brief email and not intended to be hurtful, just straight and to the point.

His reaction:  He again accused me of making "the whole HIV thing up." He threatened to tell my parents and family about my "lie."  His exact words, in a text message, were: "Wonder what your parents and friends will think about your 'lie.' ? "

Please help me with how to deal with this. I don't think I have to explain how messed up this is. Do I have any legal recourse ? How do I protect myself, and more importantly, my parents ? I have not told many people yet and am not ready to disclose beyond a few select people. I am most concerned that he would tell my parents.  I want no more contact with this man who clearly has no conscience.

Thank you in advance,

s

[david25luvit]

There's not much you can do about it...other than what you've already done. Should this situation continue
however you might want to take out a restraining order against him...to protect yourself and family members.
It sounds like he's in denial about your diagnosis.....or perhaps he's just feeling guilty either way I would take
steps to protect myself (as much as possible anyway)...My two cents worth!

[DanielMark]

S,

I never give advice, but I would suggest that in order to protect yourself you cut off all contact with this person. No exceptions.

In order to "protect" your parents, you may have to tell them what is true, and hope for the best. It may be painful to do, but from what you wrote I don't see that you have any other options. I hope it works out.

Daniel

[poet]

Hi S.  Thanks for posting your situation.  Here are a few comments from me which, I hope, will be useful.  First, if you are just a month into being hiv positive, try to make room for further, often emotional, adjustments.  You may need to allow yourself, in other words, to have a bad moment or a bad day in which you may not, right then, feel in control and balanced.  It's normal.  You will find it all over this forum, thankfully. 

Second, your relationship with your ex-boyfriend is a factor to work through having nothing to do with your testing hiv positive.  He cheated on you.  There had been a year of his cheating and lying on and to you.  So anyone in your situation with someone like this is going to need time to get relationship thinking back to square one, when you no longer look at someone as a potential cheater and liar.  And I don't mean, understand, that you should ever think about getting back together with him.  It's just that this piece of your history is going to factor on your future. 

Third, you have the mystery of how you got infected with hiv in the first place and, as others will post, you may never get a clear answer to this.  It may have been your ex-boyfriend.  It may have been someone else.  Condoms are not perfect and, thanks again to information on this website, it is possible to use a condom and still become infected but we would have to get into each and every sexual encounter to see if and when there might have been an opening in them.  Or something which happened which you thought didn't/couldn't transmit the virus as so didn't use a condom.  So this is a third thing to work through: perhaps never knowing who infected you and never being able to place blame except back on yourself which, as posts here will show you, isn't an answer either.

Fourth, your ex's reaction to your being out-of-contact over the weekend suggests that he is a factor you will need to deal with, unfortunately.  It's possible that he is in a panic himself and that he is trying to flip it around to being caused by you and not by him, an easy way of twisting things around.  You were his boyfriend and I am fairly sure that you may have seen this behavior in him in the past: blame others, never yourself.  (As in you made me cheat, not I cheated.) And part of me is wondering if your rejection of him, your taking control of your situation, is causing him his reaction since, in the past, I assume that he misbehaved and was allowed back?  So when it seems as though you are taking control and pushing him out, he is taking this extreme reaction. 

Fifth, you have done what you need to do, calmly and simply telling him that he is part of your past and not part of your future.  Congratulations!  But what neither you nor your therapist or even the police can control absolutely is what he will do.  Will he contact other people in your life?  A counselor for a woman in a battered women project here in MA was told, for example, to not place a restraining order on a homeless guy who was harassing her because, in her estimation, it could escalate the situation.  I thought about this at the time and came to agree with this.  In your case, I would see if you can simply play deaf.  Don't hear the phone.  Let voicemail pick up.  Don't read your email.  Don't read your mail.  Don't answer your door.  If you can afford to do so, change your phone number and make it unlisted.  Ditto your email address.  Get away each weekend if you can to take the pressure off.  Think about work.  Are you certain that he can't show up there?  Try, in short, to close the door on him without slamming it.

Ironically, he, too, perhaps for the first time in his life, has to respond to something which he can't control.  And if he has had little experience with such situations, it may take him some time to figure out how to respond.  With hope that some of this is helpful.  Win

[srmn98]

Thanks for your responses. It helps so much to have a community like this.

Win, you are absolutely correct. Thank you for your well thought out words. I'm taking it one day at a time -- luckily I have NOT heard from him today. Hopefully this will continue tomorrow and so forth.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I am a small business owner -- so long as I continue with my business, my contact information is public. On the plus side, since I am self-employed, my boss won't fire me if my crazy ex shows up.  

sara

[Oceanbeach]

Hi Sara,

I went through a couple of years in a physically abusive relationship directly following my AIDS diagnosis.  I could make up any number of excuses for having a black eye or fractured ribs.  It was so much easier to say, "I was skiing at Big Bear and fell into a tree".  No one wants to hear, "I was shoved down a flight of stairs because I wouldn't sign my disability check".  Put some distance between yourself and the former BF.  Have the best day
Michael

www.Commission-on-AIDS.org

[joemutt]

You did the right thing, all you need now is to stay the course.
I wish you luck, hiv is already hard enough
without this kind of poisonous
energy suckers.

[MSPspud]

I totally think that he’s trying to throw you off by putting the blame back on you.  If he’s been positive for awhile and has known it, he’s also probably aware of many of the lawsuits in the recent year that have gone against the infector.  I really think he’s bluffing in saying he’ll tell your parents b/c it again, throws you off.  What benefit would he have in doing such a thing?  I’d keep the silence and try not to worry about it in the mean time.  If he re-starts the communication, then make it clear to him (again) that you’re looking to move on and are not interested in placing blame. 

This of course is just my opinion…  Keep us updated!

[Eldon]

Hey Srmn98,

In this situation you will want to find out the "root" or "cause" of his behavior, identify it with him, gain an understanding with him and put "closure" on it with him.



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