Guilt

[SASA39]

Hello to you too , 
My name is Alexander.

I live in Belgrade , Serbia ,  42 yrs , university degree in civil engineering , and till 18 august this year I was a happy  man . I was on probe work in my second job .
FOR THE FIRST TIME A JOB THAT WAS WELL PAYED , WITH SOCIAL SECURITY AND A CHANCE TO MAKE MYSELF A PROJECT LICENCE FOR CIVIL ENGINEEERING.
NEW FLAT  , TWO BEAUTIFULL DAUGHTERS……………..
AND THEN , THE HELL BURST OUT……………………………AND ALL THAT CAME DOWN IN FLAMES
I HAVE HAD OCCASIONAL RISKY CONTACT BEFORE BUT I WAS THINKING STUPIDLY THAT  “ IT COUDN`T NEVER HAPPENED TO ME………”
BUT IT DOES ! ! !
It has all started with nausea , temperature about 37,5 C for a 10 days, and then I had gone for testing in a private clinic on September 19 . When I got the result on the way home I have fainted .
I went to a City Clinic for Public Health Protection for another testing and there was the same except that the W.Blot has confirmed the second test on October 2 .Result was :HIV 1 pozitive !
Then I went to a Nacional Clinic for  Tropical and Infectuos Deseases  ( Dr Djordje Jevtovic – very good  specialist – in first 50 in world ) and finally the diagnose was :
INFEKTIO HIV  CDC  Gr 3  ( ! ! ) .   CD4=58 and VL =0 ! ? !
 I was detained in hospital for a two weeks with Esophageal Candida ( Fluconasol  200 mg for a 14 days ) and has started my first therapy
ZIAGEN  2x1 = 600 mg , EPIVIR 2x1 = 300mg  and  STOCRIN ( SUSTIVA ) 1x1 = 600 mg all in 19 h and  Bactrim  2x1  (  400 + 80 mg ) three times per week > mon , wed , fri .

They had tested my wife ……….but she seems to be negative thanks God !

On 16 Oct I came back home and then I have realized that I`M IN HELL………….

I FELL FRIGHTENED TO DEATH , AND HAVE ALL SYMPTOMS OF  DEPRESSION :
- lost my habits in reading , watching TV , listening music ……………
- scared to socialize with frends……………………………..
- poor sleeping and bad dreams
- lack of concentration in any way
- lack of communication with family- wife and children-  due to a self –guilt……………………
- many woories- WORRIED WELL
-THINKING OF A QUICK SOLUTION………….BUT THERE IS ALSOA STIGMA OVER IT.

WHY IS THAT  SO :
1.I don`t wanna go back to a hospital ! ! !
 First the condition there are horrible – like a “Fly over a coockoo nest “ . Only 3 doctors with more than a 300 active-on therapy  and 1200 occasionaly paccients , lausy food ,  22 beds WITH ONLY 4 SHEETY TOILETS AND ONE BATHROOM  , lousy windows and radiators ,  50 % of patients  are a intravenous drug users , who have their fix  even in a dining room , lot of steeling , lot of criminals………………….and  medical sisters  who doesn`t care too much due to a poor wages……………………………
Trere is only ONE psychologist for a whole bunch and she is tired of her work…….During my first session I was constantly intrrrupted with a questins and suggestions as : Play some music ,cook a lunch , read a book and try to live NORMALY !Second session was 30` and she did not came to a third- she was too busy with another job to do.
I have called some community services specialized for this matter , but in there there are only young kids with no knowledge about anything ……….and if they are + they are often angry or sedated or……………with no experience……………

2.I HAVE NEARLY LOST MY NEW JOB AND A PAYCHECK WITH THAT AND I DOESN’T GET ANY MONEY TO MY HOUSE ANYMORE ! ! !
 because i was tired I
 HAVE LIED MY BOSS THAT THAT WAS DUE TO A SERIOUS HART CONDITION AND HE SAID ( AND HE IS A GOOD MAN BUT A VERY  SUSPICION ONE ) THAT I COULD WORK FROM HOME , BUT HE DOESN`T NOT KNOW IF HE IS GOING TO PAY anything  to  , ME OR TO GIVE TO ME MY SOCIAL SECURITY  CARD.
I decided to work from home because it is a small firm with a lot of workers who work outside as a central heating workers and with 6 engineers AND YOU REALLY DON`T KNOW IF SOMEONE HAS A FLU ……………..AND MY JOB IS ABOUT 10 MILES FROM HOME BUT WE DON`T HAVE A SECOND CAR SO I HAVE TO CATCH  TWO HEAVY CROWD BUSES TO JOB AND BACK , AND YOU REALLY DON`T KNOW IF SOMEONE HAS A FLU AGAIN……………………
And a working time is with trawelling from 6.45-16.45 mon – fri and  6.45-15.45 on saturday and that is too heavyfor me in my present condition !

MOST OF ALL MY FATHER IN LOW KNOWS MY BOSS AND I`M AFRAID BECAUSE he might telephone to him and ask about my status !

MY WIFE IS SUPPORTING US and now thru the day I`m in a her very little flat BECAUSE I HAVE TOLD MY KIDS THAT I HAVE GO TO A WORK , AND THEY THINK THAT I DO SO , BECAUSE  I`m scared that they would tell to my my wife parents that I do not work anymore………………..and they might ask why………………….

ALSO MY WIFE IS A LIVING BEEING TOO AND SHE DOES NOT WANNA BE WITH ME IN BED – THAT I UNDERSTAND – BUT I`M AFRRAID THAT SHE WOULD BECOME MISEABLE OVER IT AND MORE DEPRESSED .
ALSO SHE IS TIRED BECAUSE OD TWO CHILDREN AND I DON’T SEE ANY WAY TO HELP HER.

My wife has a Ph.D in technology , she works in a Institute BUT due to a poor state in our country THEY DON’T WORK AT  ALL  , AND THERE IS A LAUSY ATMOSPHERE IN THERE BETTWEN WORKERS  AND THEY WANT TO KNOW EVERY SECRET……….ABOUT OTHERS……………..SHE ALREADY HAS GOT A SECOND WARNING BECAUSE SHE WAS WISITING ME IN A HOSPITAL DURING A WORKING TIME……………


I` M SCARED THAT TRUE WOULD COME OUT(in a control in local health department,or beeing seen by a frend in a clinic ..or..)  AND
AND MAKE A 3 MORE LIVES MISERABLE
(THEY ARE NOT GUILTY FOR ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME)  !THE GREAT PROBLEM IS BECAUSE MY DESEASE IS A GREAT STIGMA IN MY COUNTRY.
ONLY MY WIFE KNOW ABOUT IT ( and she becomes depress too ,and tired)
IMPLICATIONS WOULD BE :
1.My wife would lost a state job (Ph.D),private too and she is now supporting me,and she would GOT A SOCIAL STIGMA JUST FOR STAYING WITH ME,AND NOT TELLING ANYONE.(frends,coworkers,clients)
2.My child would be expelled from school and kindergarten AND HAVE A LIFE STIGMA AND I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH…………..
3.If my father in low would know he would probably passed away at a spot due to his poor hatr condition……………so I HAVE NOONE TO TELL TO………AND A BURDEN BECOMES HEAVY EACH DAY………………………..
3.SOCIAL SECURITY
More than that from a next year there is transition to a new social card with a bar code BUT
I`m scared because I don’t  know  what kind of data would be there and who might see it.
In my COUNTRY data`s about my illness is available in a Central Social Security Office almost by anyone……………………….Now I`m in a working burreau for unemployment but ANYONE DON’T WANNA TO GIVE ME A SOCIAL CARD BECAUSE I HAVE IT THRU MY WIFE.
4.COURSE of ILNESS :
Thru the Sept 18 I was feeling perfectly well  and I have started therapy but since than I have had :

1.   Candida Eshophagitis –Th : Fluconasol tablets 200 mg  for a 14days
2.   Herpes genitalis              Th : Acyclovir   tablets               for a 10 days
3.   Human Papilloma Virus on my genitals……..

I`M SCARED  THAT I COULD CATCH ANOTHER  OPP. INF . UNTILL MY CD4 > 200 AND IT WOULD TAKE MONTHS OR YEARS TO DO SO AND THAT I WOULD GO TO HOSPITAL AGAIN.
BY THAT I MEAN SOME SERIOUS LIFE-THREATNING  INFECTION ! ! ! 
I`m sseing my ophtamoplogist once a month and for now.

 THANKS GOD THERE IS NO SIGNS OF A  CMV VIRUS IN MY EYES . I ALSO WEAR A GLASSES WITH A SOLID DIOPTHRY.
( IRIS syndrome - or ImunnoReconstitution  Syndrome – that means that your body is more sensitive to a Opp. Inf.  as a CD4 number goes up ! )

AND THEN HOW TO HIDE THAT FROM  COUSINS AND FRENDS, HOW TO TELL TO THEM WHERE ARE YOU .
AND I DON’T WANT MY WIFE TO VISITING ME BECAUSE SHE COULD BE SEEN BY SOMEONE. AND HER JOB IS VERY NEAR THE CLINIC !

AND MY SECOND CHILD DID NOT GET HER TB VACCINE ………BECAUSE SHE WAS RESISTANT TO IT………

And sometimes I have a problem with my sinuses with blood in it or the same when I shave myself AND I`M SCARED THAN TO KISS MY CHILDREN  OR TO GO NEAR THEM !

I ALSO FEEL VERY TIRED AND THAT IS THE FACT THAT YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM PEOPLE NEAR YOU …………………..AND I DON’T KNOE IF THAT FATIGUE IS GOING TO BE LEES OBVIOUS AS MY CD4 NUMBER GOES UP ?


ALSO I`M SCARED ABOUT SOME SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS DUE TO A DRUGS

DECREASE OF A BONE DENSITY – I have had a torn Achille tendone some 6 years ago and due to a 5 months in caster i had a induced osteoprosis in my right foot but it went well………..also I have a varicose veins that have to be removed in the same leg……….

LIVER PROBLEMS – as a young I have had a fatty liver just a litlle bit and a slightly raised transaminases…………………………

CANCER PROBLEMS - I`M ALSO SCARED BECAUSE I HAVE LOST MY MOM DUE TO A LUNG CANCER IN `98 , FATHER DUE TO A LUNG CANCER IN `87  UNCLE DUE TO A SKIN CANCER `83 AND SISTER OF UNCLE DUE TO A BREAST CANCER IN `03 . SO I VERY GOOD KNOW THAT CHEMOTHERAPY AND X-RAYS ARE NOT A PICNIC AND WITH A CD4 COUNT OF 58 MY CHANCES ARE………………………

ALSO I HAVE A HAMMOROIDES which have been removed in `00 but I know that one who has a  Candida , HPV , has a greater chances for a cancer “on the rear side” so to speak………

ASSOCIATED DEMENTIA – because most of the drugs cannot get thru the brain barrier.And a brain is concerned as  latent reservoir for a virus……………..
AND I DON’T WANNA BE ON MY WIFES BACK………….!

NOT TO MENTION SOME “MINOR “ PROBLEMS SUCH AS OCCASIONALY MILD RASH , OR INFECTION OF THE GLUTEUS WITH MINI ULCERS ON IT , OR……………THAT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIND A DENTIST WHO WANNA PERFORM  AN PROCEDURE ON A HIV+ PATIENT . THEY ARE ALL SCARED BECAUSE THEY WANT THEIR LICENCE FOR A LONG TIME…………and right now one of my teeth is a little bit painfull……….

Also in Serbia we have a drugs near ones in the States but just for HIV .
Other classes of drugs for a Opp. Inf or a some other illnesses are much older or doesn’t exist at all.
My dr gave me Xalol for my depression but it knocks me down or do nothing and it is not a really AD drug. In fact it could make depression worse.


02.02.07 :

Last test reports : CD4=203  VL=0
BUT : My wife has told to me that she has been unfaithfull to me ,long ago Oct `06 and in fact that in that time she had an ongoing affair that she broked up two weeks ago due to my status!
I`m FEELING VERY BAD - BECAUSE OF MY TWO DOUGHTERS
I CANNOT LOOK IN THEIR EYES ANYMORE ! (and I have a rush probably due to a Bactrim -my skin started to change , IT IS VERY SENSITIVE , EASILY BLEED AND i`m  NOT KISSING AND HUGGING MY DAUGHTERS ANYMORE - WHAT A PUNISHMENT ! )

On this site I have found a mentor - Sergio, he is a really wonderfull , but could someone could answer me how to put aside my worries for my children AND FAMILY.
I cannot sleep anymore......................


 AGAIN  I`M MOST SCARED THAT TRUE WOULD COME OUT AND
AND MAKE A 3 MORE LIVES MISERABLE
 (THEY ARE NOT GUILTY FOR ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME)

IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS OVER THOSE MATTERS PLEASE WRITE TO ME AND BE MY SUPPORT.
I`m scared , with no one to turn to and almost lost my will to live………



                                                 Thanks !

[Val]

Alexander,
If there is one thing that I could tell you after reading your post, here it is:
Take it one thing, one problem at a time.  For example, your health should be your priority.

There is no way that you'll be able to deal with all of this pressure alone!  And you should not!
There must be some kind of help in Serbia for poz folks.  And you've got to find it --- and fast!

Unfortunately, Serbia/Montenegro is still not a part of the E.U. and this, undeniably, makes matters much worse.
If there is any thing that I can do to help, let me know.  You can use the PM (private message) button if you prefer.

Good luck and keep us posted on how things are going.

Val
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[rick21007]

Alexander--- I agree with what Val has said and also extend an invitation to PM me anytime just to talk.  I have found the emotional support here to be very helpful.  The folks here on the forums really care a lot.

You have a lot to deal with.  But I want to remind you that all of us here made the same mistake as you did so we do not judge you.  I think you should not judge yourself harshly.

Take one day at a time and one issue at a time.  You cannot deal with everything at once.  Be kind to yourself and most of all be forgiving to yourself.

Take care my friend,   Rick

[Ann]

Hi Alexander, welcome to the forum.

Hug and kiss your daughters all you want - you will NOT transmit hiv to them through this kind of casual contact. The way that you may transmit hiv to another person is through unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse or sharing needles with them. Use condoms and do not share needles and you will keep your virus to yourself.

Go hug your daughters, please. They will be fine.

Please read our Welcome Thread and follow some of the links provided in the first post of that thread. If you have any problems understanding any of the English, please, please come back here and ask us to help you.

And remember, hiv is NOT transmitted through everyday, casual, household contact. I have raised my own daughter and I've been hiv positive for ten years. I hug and kiss her every chance I get and she's fine - and hiv negative. Yours will be too. Just make sure they know to use condoms when they become sexually active.

Hang in there, it does get better.

Ann

[aztecan]

Alexander,
Welcome to the forums and the eclectic family we have here.

I would echo what others have said. Try to tackle only one thing at a time.

I know this is still pretty new to you. The first year is a rollercoaster of emotions. We have all been there and, believe me, understand how you are feeling.

As Ann said, don't keep yourself from your family. Your daughters need your love, and you need theirs.

Please be a little easier on yourself.

HUGS,

Mark

[SASA39]

I would reply to you all despite the fact that I could be " banned" from this site due to my emotional status :
I`m scared TO DEATH..........WHY ?
HERE ARE SOME REASONS ...........

1.We are now living in a penthouse................
My two daughters were frightened last night because the walls are slim and they thought
that there is someone in our flat , but that was the neighbours voice.
They called my wife and that made me  very sad.
BECAUSE THE BASIC DUTY EVEN FOR AN ANIMAL IS TO PROTECT ITS
LITTLEONES UNTIL THEY ARE GROWN UP AND I WOULD NOT BE
ABLE TO DO IT !
Also it is hard to explain to them changes in my body : red patches , occasional rush , itching , BLEEDING SPOTS !!!...
..........not to mention a quietly atmosphere in a flat.......................
Yes , I know that ONE day at the time is the right way , BUT WHAT TO DO WHEN EVERY
DAY IS GETTING YOU ONE QUESTION MORE ?

2.My wife is now-and-then with her parents and her brother and his wife and she is been questioning
all the time about me...................
- am I working ?
- am I putting a money on the table ?
- am I gonna get a steady job ?
- how much money do we have ?
- how do we pay our rents , bills , etc. ?
............AND SHE MUST SAY SOMETHING.......AND SHE
IS TIRED IF LUYING TO THEM AND THEY ARE AFRAID TO ASK ME THESE
 QUESTIONS.I`m afraid that she could "crack" down and tell other story.................

.............and ONLY clinical person is a
psyhologyst who works alone with a 500 of patients , tired , and with no real wish to help us.
She is always tired , in a seminars , etc............and a look of a hospital is creepy ,
but that is the only place for us now.Furthermore a  member of the goverment who is a head of medical state issues HAS FORBBIDEN ANYONE ELSE TO TREAT US EXCEPT FOR THOSE 3 DOCTORS with a words that A STATE ALREADY HAS SPENT A LOT OF MONEY TO US ! Just a 3 years ago there was  refoundation system for this kind of drugs overhere. That mean that you have to pay for drugs beetwen 30-40.000 US dollars in a year time and after a year you will get only a 80% of that money. If you don`t have the money .................

3.A constant exposure to an O.I`s......................................and cancers
I know that everythings comes from your head first - ( we were in Egypt 2 years ago , and in a
mountain hut a year ago , and I was at a outside tent based seminar 2 years ago and nothing
went wrong but NOW THAT I KNOW A FACT THAT I`M ILL I`M PETRIFIED)
Since Oct I have learned much about this illness but the more you find out ........
Some interesting terms are :  Jon Kaiser       Nelson Vergel         Michael Mooney        naive CD4cells
                                          memory CD4 cells       CD4/cd8 ratio     Ceragenics     and some books on
                                         www.thebody.com


4.I`m socially secured thru my wife and she is working in an Institute where anybody wants to
KNOW EVERYTHING about  ENYBODY.At the top of that  from the next year all citizens
must have a social card with a bar-code so that everyone could see what kind of ilness they
have due to a fact that a information about my ilness are not restricted in my country !


5.I have almost  lost my job - A JOB THAT I HAVE BEEN EDUCATED ALMOST ALL MY
 LIFE.............boss have said to me that I could work from home but he doesn`t know if he
is going to pay me enough.And I`m not properly educated to do anything else in a right way.
( I mean proffesionally ). There is a depression in my country and it is very hard to find a job
that is not hard and does not require an outside working especially in my ages.
And because I don`t have a job I could not go anywhere else out of my country - my country
 is notorious due to a war state in a past 15 years and every country wants a visa to go in ,
 and it is hard to get it without a job.
I have lost a paycheck also { app 500$ per week and that is an ok wage in my country}
AND MY WIFE IS NOW SUPPORTING  THE WHOLE FAMILY ( AND A LITTLE
SAVINGS THAT i HAVE )
I have a university degree and that is the only kind of work that I know to do , but in my country it is a hard- transition/depression-time and a big number of my colegues are not working. ( also many people with other  university degrees ).I have had a great job  but it was heavy with a 62 week hour and due to that I have dicovered my ilness in October.

6.But the greatest change is in my mood : I speak more quietly now , noise does make me nervous , fell a lack of interest for everything - last night I have hardly forced myself to stay in front of TV for a hour to watch a movie.
It is visible and we are maybe going for a vacation for a week with a people that we know and they would SEE A DIFFERENCE FOR SHURE .When I look into my children eyes I FEEL ONLY THE BLAME AND DEEP REGRET AND FEELING THAT I HAVE BETRAYED them.
My wife told me that two major feelings in me just now are deep sorrow and guilt and THEY GONNA KILLL ME BEFORE ILNESS DOES.I DON`T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.
Everybody says : "..............play the game , cheat , joke .................be an acter ...."
but I cannot because my thoughts are only conceirning MY FAMILY SAFETY and thats is wissible clearly on my face which was only two months ago full of joy.

We were at a dinner with a group of frends when a wife of my close frend has sais to my wife : " Me and my husband were SHOCKED about Al last time , how he was "peacefull"...........and another frend said " you have lost 10 pounds for shure , mostly in your face.Are you ill ?"
( In my country man loses his pounds  in most cases only when he is ill).
 I was petrified and my wife said that I have a high cholesterole........and that was the reason why........
We are going to a mountain house for a 6 days with a people who knows us and I`m AFRAID OF THE SIMILAR SCENARIO !
 It has happened because one of my frends has told to my wife :
"Is Al on some pills now ? He is ALTERED.........SO QUIET.............why he do not see a schrink?"


I DON`T KNOW WHAT TO DO................
they say ......" you have to find a way to forget yourself ........."   but it WOULD MEAN THAT YOU IMAGINE THAT YOU HAVE NO FAMILY AND ONLY THEN YOU CANNOT HURT THEM.................BECAUSE ONLY THEN THEY DONT EXIST
So all these things are messing thru my head and WORSE THAN THAT THEY ARE IN
MY SUBCONSOUS.

IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVICES ABOUT THEESE MATTERS THANKS...........
                                                                                                                Al

[SASA39]

P.S.
Also because of my results I`m a "rare bird"
Oct 2 : CD4=58   PCR/VL=0
Dec 26 :  CD4=203 PCR/VL = 0   
 I`m scared that I turn my self into hospital too late - BUT I HAVE NEVER ANY SYMPTOMS EXCEPT SOME GENERAL ,  Candida albicans , occasionally fatigue ,......................
(I had a rush 6 years ago , doctors were thinking that it was some kind of allergy and didn`t
put me on some more tests)

 To make a things worse I have a some serious conditions even for a healthy man :
- varicose veins who could provoke an inflamed veins - pottencially very serious
   condition
- hammoroides very serious condition also .I`ve had a ligature some 6 years ago but haven`
been to a proctologist since then...........................
- gall blader stones very serious condition also and no one want to operate a HIV+ with
cd4 of 58 .
-some "miner" difficulties : chronic sinusutis , myopia - shortsight at both eyes............
On top of that I had alwaus a slightly elevated transaminases , a fatty liver , and a scar of
a Achilles tendone surgery 6 years ago.

I take some SERIOUS MEDICINE WITH toxic effects -  mytochondrial toxicity-JUST LIKE YOU DO AND have various side effects MINER , BUT A LOT OF THEM : Candida Albicans , nipples itching , FATIGUE ! , rush with bleeding spots-if I skratch them ! , occasionally night sweats , and INCREASED NECK LYMPH NODE !  ...............

Not to mention that Sustiva gives me a spaced out feeling so I`m scared that someone
could see it , or I could not be able to drive a car ............or work properly......
and a fact that my wife is lying her parents and that I must see them on my children
birthday so as my all frends too.........................
I dont wanna to visit them because I feel that I am dihonest when I kiss their children
or them and do not tell them about my status.......

SO WHEN YOU PUT ALL THIS TOGETHER YOU COULD IMAGINE WHY I`M SO
SCARED " MEDICALLY " ALSO..........................
                                                          THANKS FOR ANY ADVICES
                                                                                     ALEX.....

[Val]

Alexander,
Have you tried to get in touch with Médecins du Monde and/or Médecins sans Frontières?  I am sure they'd be able to help you immensely.
You could also try to get a hold of the representatives of some international organizations in Belgrade!

Try this one:
http://www.ngoveza.org.yu/

Peace to you,
Val
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[rick21007]

Alexander--I am so sorry you are having such a rough time of it.  It sounds like many things are not in your control and that has got to be very scarey.  You are very emotional but you are Slavic, as am I.  That is just the way we are!!  But I will share from my personal experience what has helped me get through the dark times:  I have determined to keep my focus on what is positive--no matter how small and to maintain an "attitude of gratitude" for the things I might otherwise take for granted----having a roof over my head, having enough to eat, my family and friends. Even for my breath which connects me to all living things.  You still have all of these things, Alexander, and most of all two  daughters who love their father.  None of us chose to have hiv but we can choose how we deal with it.  I was sick myself for most of last year so now I am grateful for each day I am not sick.  Do not take a day when the sun is out for granted or a day with your daughters.  Keep your focus on what you do have, not what you don't--on what _is_ and not on "what if..."   And even this forum where you can write about your fears and sadness to others who have shared much of what you are going through now and are here to encourage you.  If you are willing to take this  one day at a time you can become stronger for this, believe me.  Worrying about tomorrow will not take care of tomorrow's troubles and it will rob you of the blessings of today.

The best to you!   Rick