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Author Topic: I'm finding it hard to forgive.  (Read 4170 times)

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Offline Jose0205

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  • Posts: 16
I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« on: May 19, 2014, 07:47:23 pm »
So I found out the man who I contracted HIV from knew he was positive since 2011. Also he signed the duty to warn in April of 2012. I had sex with him July of 2013. He told me he wasn't positive. I a accepted everything and tried to move on. But this latest news that he lied to me and knew really really hurt me. What hurts even more is that he is still online lying to people saying he's negative and sleeping with them. I don't know what to do, or even if I should do anything at all.
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Offline mikeyb39

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  • Posts: 980
Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2014, 08:10:13 pm »
honestly I would just let it go.  There isn't anything you can do about your situation.  You just need to take care of yourself and let him be.  unfortunately we are only responsible for ourselves.  You can't take on the responsibility of others he may have sex with.

I asked the guy that infected me if he was negative and of course he said yes.  I found out later that he was positive from other guys I knew.  I confronted the guy and told him I tested positive and all he said was sorry.

Unfortunately guys lie or they just don't know they are positive.  I only got mad at myself for thinking that if guys say they are negative, then they must be.  Wrong!!
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Offline Joe K

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Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2014, 08:13:47 pm »
If you have not done it yet, I would worry more about forgiving yourself, for becoming poz.  It always takes two... always.

Joe
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Offline Jose0205

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  • Posts: 16
Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2014, 08:40:42 pm »
Yes it does take two and I've accepted my responsibility in the part.  I'm having troubles with the fact that he's taken no responsibility at all. For awhile I thought he didn't know because that's what he told me, and I even became friends with him. I believed and trusted him. But finding out that he has been lying this.whole time and that he indeed knew he was hiv positive pisses me off. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown
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Offline Joe K

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  • 31 Years Poz
Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2014, 09:20:43 pm »
Quote from: Jose0205 on May 19, 2014, 08:40:42 pm
Yes it does take two and I've accepted my responsibility in the part.  I'm having troubles with the fact that he's taken no responsibility at all. For awhile I thought he didn't know because that's what he told me, and I even became friends with him. I believed and trusted him. But finding out that he has been lying this.whole time and that he indeed knew he was hiv positive pisses me off. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown

Why do you need him to accept any responsibility, for you to forgive him?  Some people will never accept any responsibility and the whole point of forgiveness, is to forgive for yourself to feel better, not to change the other person.

Joe
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Offline Jose0205

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  • Posts: 16
Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2014, 09:47:32 pm »
You're right actually. I was just hurt cause I honestly considered him a friend. And once I found out he lied, my first reaction was to kill him. Seriously. And I've never had those thoughts before. I'm  obviously not going to to do it. I'm just really hurt.
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Offline Joe K

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  • 31 Years Poz
Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2014, 11:31:01 pm »
I get that you are hurt and you have every right to be.  What I hope would be your remaining issue is how do you move beyond the hurt?  The other guy is of no importance here, only you and you need to decide just how much grief you are going to cause yourself... over something that you have absolutely no control over... him.

I am really sorry this happened to you, betrayal is never easy, however, only you can decide on how much anguish you deserve.  I just don't think this guy deserves any more thought on your part.  I hope you work at healing yourself.  That's all that really matters.

Joe
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Offline 2tcells

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  • Posts: 259
Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2014, 11:43:38 pm »
If the guy knows hes poz tells people he is not and has unsafe sex with them he should be in jail imo. I know this is not a popular point of view but this guy is giving people this virus on purposes and if he was in jail It could save many peoples lives in the long run. If they didnt ask, if he told the truth, if he used a condom or if he didnt know he was poz it would be different
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Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2014, 01:10:02 am »
Jose0205 -
If you consider him a friend, then the constructive thing to do for everyone at this point is to try to convince him to start HIV treatment so he can't pass on the virus anymore.  Secondly, the lying. He should be disclosing.
He sounds like a weak soul. Obviously he has qualities. Because you consider him a friend, even though he acted cowardly and selfishly and continues to do so.
So, I would be very honest with him and tell him that he hurt you, he may be hurting others, and you think he should stop hurting people.
I wouldn't blackmail him or anything - saying he needs to do such and such or you will do such and such. 
But you should have an interior silent dialogue with yourself.  And if really he's such a lout, why do you stay friends with him? 
So, give it the college try, talk to him about having a damn spine, but don't be surprised if he's really damaged goods.
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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Buckmark

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Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2014, 09:43:05 am »
Forgiveness is a somewhat unusual thing in this day and age.  You have to realize that, ultimately, you do not have control over others, only yourself.  Once you embrace this, you realize that when you forgive someone, you are doing it for yourself, not them.
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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline YellowFever

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  • Posts: 172
Re: I'm finding it hard to forgive.
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2014, 11:20:47 am »
When I first got diagnosed, I told myself that I would never be 'one of those guys' who lie about their status. I will live my life openly and honestly. But you know what? Disclosure is hard. Its even harder when the dick is hard. And even though routinely disclose, I now have a lot more sympathy for those who don't.

So try to see the humanity in this. There are no bad people, just good people in bad situations (*t&c apply).
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