HIV & Dating

[HKHiking]

Hi everyone,

I’d like to get some advise on when is best time to disclosed your status to your significant others.

I have been dating this guy (let’s name him M) for about 2 - 3 months in Asia, things has been great and he is an introvert and Am an extrovert.  Both of us shared same passions, we get s long well and mainly, we both communicate with each other since the day we met.

I have taken this new dating scene very slow and each day my feelings for him grew closer and he gave me the butterflies feelings of excitement, scared and happiness.   Each day passing, I knew that we both need to have the “talk” about the HIV status thing but I have never find the good timing because I was still adjusting with his introverted personality which is my fault.   I waited because i wanted to see where this journey will took us so he has the opportunity to know me as myself and not as my status at the beginning of this relationship .

Then the sex happened and in the beginning we used protection during sex which was ok but my anxiety started to build up because I knew that I can’t delay the “talk” with him.  This is never an easy topic of discussion and knowing him very little about him and he has not much of experience apart of his 8 yrs bf when he was younger and couple others.  This has become more of a challenge for me since he share very little about him and his past due to his introvert personality.

Am also on top of my daily meds and i have been undetectable since 2010..  I have never miss a dose and my health is my first priority honestly.  Additions to this daily meds  that i require to take, I also took my monkey pox vaccine for protection.  As much as we’ve both committed and exclusive with each other, we have nothing to worry.

One drunken night when we had sex (He is the top and am the bottom) he told me that he wasn’t wearing condom during sex and I let it happened.  This is my fault that I didn’t stop him that night where out sex live become a habit for not using a condom. 

If I had stop him that night and we kept the condom.  I wonder if this still be a problem? Are we still together today?

Anywho, he finally asked about my status and I revealed about my status that am undetectable and can’t transmit the virus to him.  He told me that he was fine and things were ok with us.  Even, if he catches it, we will do this together since he has accepted the risk of being gay.

It turns out that he was not ok and he freaked out which i understand completely the fear that I’ve caused him and the unnecessary stress.

I have tried to have a chat with him, unfortunately he is not willing to talk to me due to this circumstance that I hadn’t been honest to him all these months.

I feel that i lose of hopes on this opportunity that started great and turned into nightmare because of one drunken night that I didn’t stop him.   I have apologized and I know this apology will not be enough and will not bring the situations to where we started.  I have owned up my mistakes by admitting that was my fault that I didn’t have the discussion sooner with him and let it this happened this far.

I just hope that he can find a small window in his heart to forgive me and give us a chance.

Living in Asia were HIV still a big stigma and not an easy topic for a discussion.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

I wish you well and hope you find someone worthy of being with you, I don't mean to sound blunt in my answer, but not going to sugarcoat it either as you are not a newbie to living with HIV.

I tell my partners upfront so it's not an issue and also so I can weed out all the people who can't cope with the idea of having a partner who has a manageable health condition, as it saves me from wasting my time on them and drama down the road.

It sounds like you didn't, and the person isn't cool with it, and you now have been hurt. Nothing you can do about it now, you have explained it and apologised, and if they can't get over it, that's the end and their loss.

Hugs, Jim.

[HKHiking]

Thanks Jim,

Yeah it was my fault that I didn’t know how to bring this up from up front.  In the past, I dated someone who has the same status with me.  While all these years, I haven’t really dating much until him 😞.

Thanks for the advise

[Jim Allen]

You're welcome.

You never know, he might just need time to process this and change his mind, but if not I would chalk this up to experience.

I didn’t know how to bring this up from up front.

I usually start by saying that I have a manageable health condition and thanks to the treatment, I am not sick and I can't pass it on, the condition is HIV. Then I sit back and wait for the questions. Sometimes they have none, and sometimes they have loads of questions.

However, everyone has a different way of starting the conversation, and you will figure out what works for you best over time. Some people just bring up the topic of HIV, like bringing up recent news topics on HIV to see how the person reacts before deciding whether to go further with the conversation of HIV or not.

Anyhow, I know you must be feeling pretty raw at the moment and I am sorry about that but learn from the experience and use it for the next time.

Take it easy.

[Jim Allen]

Besides the dating, how are you otherwise doing and feeling?

[HKHiking]

Am doing great.  Been healthy and the greatest shape at the age of 42.   No complains … apart from the shitty jobs. Lol.

What about you?

[Jim Allen]

I'm fine thanks, Glad to hear that you are feeling healthy and in good shape.

[HKHiking]

Yes .. I am.

I have been taking a good care of my health.  From my last lab test which I went every 6 months.

VL: Undetectable
CD4: always in the range of 400.

Liver, and other organs are healthy.. my bad cholesterol is fluctuate but still not to the point that doctors is concern about this.

Took my monkey pox vaccine for both doses.

Also, my bf ( not sure what to call him now) and I started to talked yesterday.  He reach out after I landed.

Meeting him tomorrow to have a chat and he agrees.

[Jim Allen]

Well, glad to hear you are talking and I hope things go well for you.

[HKHiking]

I will learned more from him tomorrow. But from what I understood briefly this morning, he freaked out from the information from the clinic that he received.

It said that there is still a small risk for him to get infected with undetected viral load bc it never be 100% not transmittable.  The only way to protect himself is to get PreP.

That was also after his HIV Test result came back neg and he is trying to get more info to get Prep from this private Clinic w a price tag 1000 USD monthly.

Now it all make sense that this person scare the living hell of him bc it’s their job to sell the product…

Sigh

[Jim Allen]

Glad you were able to talk, but sorry to hear that the clinic scared him.

Even in nations/situations where there is no money to be made, I would expect some clinics and most healthcare workers not to be up-to-date or fully comfortable regarding TaSP (U=U).

Although, in fairness, if your friend had posted here about dating someone living with HIV, I would also have explained PrEP and condoms as options for them to consider, although I first would have done a far better job explaining TaSP (U=U).