POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Ac75088 on September 09, 2011, 11:51:27 pm
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I've been talkin to this guy for a little while and we seemed to click and like each other alot..Wasn't a sexual relationship but just friends to start with..So anyways we were talking earlier and asking each other random questions about the other..And he asked if I have ever had an STD..And I truthfully told him I was HIV+ and he just completely turned into a different person..He told me that was his biggest fear and he was really freaked out and he was upset that I hadn't told him earlier...I tried to explain that it's not something I like to just throw out there right away and it wasn't even a sexual relationship..He asked and I was truthful..But I thought he was better than that or that he would understand and I've been so upset and down for the past 4 hours..I guess I just need comforting words from people who understand..I'm still crying..mainly out of frustration because even friendships are altered by this :(
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That suciks Ac-
Hopefully, you aren't just thinkin about all of the cliche sayings - you know - about not needing friends like that, etc, etc.
But, are actually practicing them to get you through the frustration...
It can be very difficult - but at least you now know where he stands - and you know that you are a better person and were honest ---- you can hold your head high.
I have had similar experiences - but I don't even get phased about it too much anymore -
Now, I will say, that the other day, when I told my mom about being selected to participate in the TAG liegislative advocacy initiative in DC - she was happy, but I could also tell that she still has issues with me being positive - and even more issues with disclosure about it..... she even asked what my cousin (who is about my mother's age - and is a nurse) had said when I told her I was positive --- and then my mother asked if my cousin had asked how I had gotten it ----- I could tell that she still has her fear and anxiety about her friends and some relatives knowing that I am positive and that I am gay ----- it gets me pissed, but at the same time, I usually shake it off pretty quick - I would rather know how someone really thinks and feels, then to have someone "fake" that they are accepting.
Just know that we are here for you and that we do understand.... keep your head up!
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Thanks Phil...that means alot..And that is sound advice..Just wish I was as strong as you and didn't let other people bother me so much
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Hey AC, this sort of thing does really suck and which is precisely why people are so fearful of disclosing. Friends turn to foes and it brings out the worst in people. But, it also will surprise you on how many friends will stick by you despite your HIV- so in a way it also sorts friends from foes.
The extremely (few) people who do know about my status, that I previsoulsy thought would disown me as friends and family, have stuck by me and nothing has changed in their behaviour for me.So disclosure does tell you who your real friends are and that they really love you, warts and all.
But yeah...the really sad part is that a lot of seemingly (and possibly genuinely) nice and clever folk also subscribe to these hysterical/fear-filled/irrational notions when they are totally unjustfied and unreasonable. What's worse is that I can sorta understand their fear cos I used to be like them prior to my diagnosis.
Hugs and take care.
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Well good on you for telling him in a civilised and conversationally natural way. It's not your business to deal with his anxiety. When this happens to me I just tell the person to go and sort their head out and get real about the presence of HIV in their peer group.
- matt
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Big hug and what everyone Else has said , the insensitivity off some humans is unspeakable .Thank the Gods you found out now.
theyer
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As I read your post, I immediately was taken back to my first instance of disclosing to someone I was really "into". He was practically living with me and constantly pressured me for sex. I used the excuse that I was still dealing with the loss of Bill and I put off telling him for quite a while.
I had the thought of not telling him and having great sex but couldn't bring myself to be like that. I finally had the courage to tell him one morning before heading to work. I came home that evening and he had taken all his belongings and left his key on the counter. I was crushed! I could have lied and had what I wanted but I know I did the right thing.
It hurt for quite a while and I now totally understand his position. He has since contacted me on FB and I'm sure he has had enough time to educate himself on this virus. Sometimes, the right decisions are the most difficult but is well worth it in the end.
We sometimes assume that all gay people understand the dynamics of this virus but I'm not so sure.
Best wishes.
Wolfie
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If people can't deal with HIV it would be simpler and more respectful, honest etc if they just said look I can't deal with the virus it frightens me, no reflection on you, rather than playing out these Sex in the City/Bridget Jones type scenarios. Guess some people are emotionally deficient and HIV-negative. >sigh<
- matt
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I think I've experienced more people that are non-dramatic about it just like you described than any hyperventilating sorts.
... but back to the OP: from you profile you state you live in a (very) major metropolitan area, so if you're not at the point with a think skin to throw yourselves to the wolves why not try running in circles where you know the other guys are HIV+? Then you don't have to deal with any of this.
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AC --
"Rejection is one thing,
But rejection by a fool is CRUEL!"
I'm so sorry. That's a very painful (and so unnecessary) thing to go through. I wish I was there to give you a {HUG}.
On the bright side, as upsetting as it is to face this, you now do know this man (<--and I use that term lightly) for what he is. His true colors were going to come out at some point and I suppose it's better that it happened now as opposed to some point down the road when you reached out to him as a friend and were slapped in the face with this BS at a more vulnerable time.
It still hurts though and I truly am so sorry. You deserve much better.
Hang in there,
Sid
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While I can empathize with what you are going through, how is being rejected for being poz, really any different? The reason doesn't matter, when the real issue is your getting rejected. You may have told him you were an Atheist let's say and what if he rejected your friendship because of that? Would it have hurt any less? I'm not discounting how you feel, however you must realize that people make choices, for all kinds of reasons and that often the true issue lies with them and not with you.
I also encourage people to stop making character calls by saying that anyone who rejects you for being poz, is somehow evil or uncaring. As Matt said, there are folks who get really freaked about HIV and if someone can't handle you being poz, there is not much you can do, or probably should do. Unless you see yourself as somehow diminished because you are poz, what most people think will not matter to you. It doesn't mean you won't face rejection, but at least you will understand the true source.
How we see ourselves influences how we perceive we are viewed by others.
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It's different because people are not hyperirrationally afraid of atheism even thou they live among undeclared athiests, but this aside I agree with all your points.
- matt
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It's different because people are not hyperirrationally afraid of atheism even thou they live among undeclared athiests, but this aside I agree with all your points.
- matt
Oh, my younger brother has been dropped like a hot potato by women when he tells them he is atheist. It can be a real deal breaker.
Nobody likes to be rejected but it stings worse when we are rejected over something we are insecure about to begin with. If someone dumped me because of HIV I wouldn't lose sleep over it but if someone dumped me because "you're boring" it would bother me.
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Nobody likes to be rejected but it stings worse when we are rejected over something we are insecure about to begin with. If someone dumped me because of HIV I wouldn't lose sleep over it but if someone dumped me because "you're boring" it would bother me.
I don't think you are boring at all ;) ;)
;D
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Nobody likes to be rejected but it stings worse when we are rejected over something we are insecure about to begin with. If someone dumped me because of HIV I wouldn't lose sleep over it but if someone dumped me because "you're boring" it would bother me.
It's not only insecurity, but the fact that you can become more interesting if necessary, however, you cannot become HIV negative. It was always harder for me, when I was rejected because of my status, because that is something I cannot change. It feels a lot like being gay, rejected by most of society and something that I can not change and I wouldn't change it if I could. I am me and I am enough and I matter. All the rest is just stuff.
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Personally I feel sorry for the guy. His own fears and prejudices have meant that he's probably missed out on a great friendship or even relationship. Now that's sad.
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Most people do not feel shame, guilt or self-loathing because of their religion, or their height, or their race, or whatever because these little things make up who they are and most-self respecting people wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't accept them as they are. Why would I even want to be friends with someone who has a problem with any personality or physical trait of mine?
With HIV it is a little different because it is a stigmatized disease that induces fear and judgment in most people (the fact that this is irrational is a different matter). The external prejudices can and often do result in self-imposed internalised stigma which can be very painful and crushing - at least this was my experience.
I do think that as long as I perceive myself as being unworthy or damaged goods (or something like that) because of my HIV, rejection due to my status will sting a lot more than being rejected on any other ground. The day that changes in my mind and I see it for what it is (i.e. just a virus) which obviously doesn't define me in anyway...rejection because of it will stop affecting me.
So in the end, when my attitude changes from 'I'm scared of disclosure consequences and what others might think of me' to 'HIV is just a virus and anyone who can't appreciate diversity in the various ailments humans are inflicted by or the various pathogens we carry, does not have any space in my life'.
I think it is a slow process which is not always clear-cut or straightforward.
At the moment, if I am rejected by anyone because of my race (for example) it wouldn't bother me one bit cos I am proud of who I am and wouldn't want to associate with such a person anyway...but being turned down because of my HIV would bother me and would hurt.
I want this to change...it's a slow process I think. I have always been comfortable with every other aspect of me, but I have only known I am HIV+ since January. The effect of passing of time is also relevant, I reckon.
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I also encourage people to stop making character calls by saying that anyone who rejects you for being poz, is somehow evil or uncaring.
Thanks for chiming in. I'll call it as I see it. You don't have to like it or agree with it.
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I stopped seeing a guy once because he wore a pair of alligator shoes on our date.
I stopped seeing another guy once because he was rude to a store clerk.
I stopped seeing a guy once because when he took off his baseball hat he was bald.
I stopped seeing a guy once because he called me too much.
People end relationships all the time for stupid reasons. It's part of life. It sucks. It doesn't make the guy evil.
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Actually Bugsy, all those guys you describe were pure evil. ;D
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Actually Bugsy, all those guys you describe were pure evil. ;D
That goes without saying, I mean alligator shoes?? Some people.
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To be honest, I was like him before my HIV Dx. He, as a person, could make a decision about whom he wants to date, that would be his choice. AC, I am sorry the situation caused you pain, but I guess that has happened in the past and that will happen to any of us in the future. It's unfortunate due to the fact that ignorance does exist. I understand (doesn't make it right) as I was as ignorant as he is now to you (may be he is not ignorant and in that case, we gotta respect personal choice/wishes).
Having said that rejection hurts especially something like our HIV status that we cannot change. We are restricted to dating (in some cases as it seems and it sucks!), though I wouldn't call him cruel for this.
I hope you will forget this soon and could do better!
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Thanks guys..I am feeling much better..I was able to give the guy an AC-style closing statement so Im not wasting anymore time being upset on the matter