Constant Battle

[Peter6836]

I have been dealing with this for so long I am getting tired of hearing myself grouse. I have been in therapy for over 20 years now. Diagnosed Bi Polar and on what I consider an inordinate amount of medication. I have retired from my job early, I am on social security and constantly trying to make ends meet. I have been going to school for the last year and a half working on a second masters degree, ironically in mental health counseling. I love the idea of doing art therapy and experiential work with people.
My problem is that I have isolated to the point that I do not leave the house for days sometimes a week or more. (I take classes online) When I do this I get so depressed and feel so alone. I sit around and read, do some painting, but refuse to get with people. If someone gets in contact with me I freak out. Then I have these lonely nights where I yearn to have someone in my life.
Since my diagnosis I have gained weight, have a bad case of eczema, I am tired all the time and eat very little. Some nights all I can think about is doing myself in. I do not see how anyone would ever see me as attractive again.  I see a psychiatrist regular, my therapist doesn't think I need therapy any more. 
I just do not know how to get out of this funk. I went out to a club last week sat there for an hour and rushed home, it was horrible. I do not know where to meet people let alone anyone to date. I work once a week as a volunteer at the local LGBT center. Every one there seems so young.
So I don't whack myself because I babysit for my grandchildren and I have to be there to do that. I WANT A LIFE!! This is just too depressing.

[Joe K]

So I don't whack myself because I babysit for my grandchildren and I have to be there to do that. I WANT A LIFE!! This is just too depressing.

Hey Peter,

I am also on disability due to depression, so I can feel your pain. That said, pardon me, while I give you a good slap upside your head, because you need to wake up and take charge of your life again. I have been where you are and what I had to do, was to essentially start over, with a new psychiatrist and therapist. Given what you describe and assuming you share these thoughts with your therapist, I cannot fathom how they think you do not need some help. I am prone to anxiety attacks and the feelings you describe when you go out, I know what they feel like and they can be helped by medication and therapy. The fact that you realize that you need change and that you actually WANT to change, suggests to me, that depression is not your issue, but anxiety may be.

That is why I hope you will consider getting a "second opinion", because you are so very wrong about nobody finding you attractive again. I've been living with HIV for 26 years, and the physical changes I have gone through, have left me looking somewhat like a barrel wearing an inner tube. Yet, even with these physical changes, I have yet to be really rejected by anyone I meet and many men have told me they find me attractive. Since the attraction surely can't be based on this walrus body of mine, I know I am being accepted for who and what I AM. I think that your funk is causing you to doubt yourself and I hope that you can work at overcoming your anxiety, so you can start to go out and meet some people.

You mentioned a LGBT center and that would be a great place to find out where the happy hours are, or bowling leagues or whatever your interests are, so you could see if you might enjoy them. My guess is, once you can overcome some of the anxiety and get out, you will find that most people share the same insecurities that you do and there is a whole world, of incredible people, just waiting to meet you. However, you will never be ready to meet them, until you feel comfortable in your own skin and environment.

I would also encourage you to stop viewing your frustration, with your mental health, as grousing, as if mental diseases were no less real than physical diseases. Expressing your frustration over mental health issues, is no different from being frustrated about any other disease. From personal experience, I caution you against viewing your vocalizing real concerns, as somehow wrong, or as a personal failing. I see your vocalizing as an appropriate response, because you know you don't feel right and you want to change.

The words I quote above, are from a man who wants to live and thrive, no matter what the challenges. I hope you take some immediate action and even if I can only listen, I will help you however I can. You can do this Peter. You will do this Peter. Best of luck.

Joe

[Andy Velez]

Hi Peter,

Say more if you will about what happens when you are with other people that makes it so difficult for you. Be specific. Maybe by talking about it you can find out more what the isolation is about and if it is fear or what? in relation to being with others.

Maybe that will help?