I couldn't have timed this better -- how I broke to news to my date

[CalvinC]

Hi all

This is a kind of follow-up to my earlier thread "Bad romance" (see https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=77742.0).

Despite what I thought I'd do -- that is, stopping seeing this guy -- I went ahead and pursued him, with pretty much the same results as before, ie, hot-and-cold and some breadcrumbing. Or maybe it isn't that, exactly, so much as it's just me having the wrong kind of expectations. And I still haven't told him my status -- until now.

Today is May 19, the day when I got my poz results, in 2006. 18 years ago. So here I am at this guy's place, having spent the night; and we're having a shower together and he tries to, uh, well, you know. And I laughed and said, Not without a condom. We got out of the shower, and he pressed the matter, saying, What's wrong with it; we're not sick. And as soon as I heard that word, I knew I had to fess up. And so I did.

He listened and was somewhat reassuring, as I gave him the potted version of "U = U", quietly yet clearly. He was getting dressed for work, and I said I'd tell him my story when we got in the car and I drove him, about a 15 minute drive.

I started with me testing positive, on 19 May 2006, about the guy I was seeing who dropped me like a hot potato, though I said that his freaking out was perhaps understandable, given his own anxieties, who knows? I said that I got my act together, and that random sex fell away (though random sex doesn't mean getting hiv, of course; not having safe sex does), that I went on meds about seven years after testing, and that I'm on a pill-a-day, that my health has been and is now excellent, no side effects. I talked about medical advances in hiv treatment. And I said that I understood that he might be worried, understandably; but that if were to trust me on one thing then it must be that I would never put him at risk and that I had/have not done so. And he nodded.

I parked the car at his work, and we were silent. He gripped my leg tight and thanked me. I said I'd send him some U=U links and that we'd talk soon. I drove off but then stopped, looked up the links, and sent them. And I added that he knows how much I care for him (and I've said just that, but not the word "love") and that I still want to see him; and that he needs to let me know, one way or another, if that holds true for him. He later texted thanks, using his pet name for me.

I came home and ended up reading the Times article on Hollywood weepies, and, in particular, "Imitation of Life," and its funeral scene. Which I watched, stupidly. And after which I somehow ended up on the bathroom floor in a flood of tears and anguish and pain.

I'm a little better now. But I'm tired, mostly at the prospect of having to go through a period of suffering (that I should have gone through earlier). Yet what is my pain, I  think, in comparison to people who have it a lot worse than I do. Access to medical care (I'm in Canada) and financial wherewithal are not issues for me, at all. I'm active and healthy. But I wasn't expecting this -- meeting this guy was out of the blue. I chide myself for not . . . oh I don't know. For not being smarter? I suppose that love, and the desire to love and be loved, isn't about being smart.

[BubbaPat]

Hang in their kiddo.  Keep us informed on what happens.

Before I was POZ, I meet a guy in Austin down there for a big party weekend.  He and I both live in Dallas and traded numbers.  We went on a date once and then he came over to talk with me.  He had just found out he was POZ and I told him I didn't care.  I liked him and I was willing to do whatever to date him more. 
He told me was stunned and thanked me.  He then ghosted me.  I didn't tell anyone about it since I didn't think it was my story to tell other than I got dumped.
I don't think he knew it... I really didn't care.  I liked him and really wanted to date him.
Who know where your story will go.  I hope you find happiness.
Bubba hugs kiddo!

Patrick

[CalvinC]

Thanks, Bubba.

Later that evening, he texts me about the NBA game, and there's some back and forth, and then he's going home and says he misses me. Okay. And then.... and then yesterday, nothing. I don't get it.

I've decided to give him space. No choice, really. And so maybe yesterday means taking space. Who knows? I'm just tired, but I'm still going with No Contact. Leave him be. If he wants me, he knows where I am.

[Tonny2]

           Ojo.          Hello Calvin, I guess now I understand why Jim prefers to tell his status when meeting a possible sex partner. Hi, like you, preferred to get to know the person first and then tell him about my status if I think that he is the one.… I think your case, you’re expecting too much from this guy, you just told him about your status and I think you have to give him some time to digest the news but, according to what you are posting, I don’t think that he wants the same kind of relationship you want. It’s either you take what he wants to keep you or start looking for somebody else… Humble opinion… Good luck and please keep us posted… Hugs.


Ps forgive my typos

[leatherman]

I don’t think that he wants the same kind of relationship you want.

And then.... and then yesterday, nothing. I don't get it..

I know this story is a little scattered in a couple of threads but let me see if I'm understanding it right. There were dates. there was disclosure. then some time passes.....

(and during this short time, he has been thinking about this health issue that he's probably never really thought about while you've had time since your diagnosis to wrap your head around it.)

next you text about the weekend and he chats back. some times passes and he texts about nba and y'all chat....

...then 1 day passes and your reaction is to think it's all over.

TBH I don't think anyone can predict what this guy is thinking or wants to do because there's not enough information.

IMHO if you want this guy, think y'all had the start/basis for a relationship, and think he'll be a good partner, you should ask him on a date, making sure there is some place you two can talk about moving forward. Make sure he understands your feelings about him. make sure he understands about your current health....and how treated HIV is not an issue for your wellbeing or his. Offer to use condoms (that's how I've always done it) even if U=U is a thing or PrEP is available.

Do all that, and you'll know whether this guy is worth the effort or not.

[CalvinC]

Thanks for the posts. Very sobering. And true. I need to get a grip.

I suppose that for me, never having had a single (physical) issue with my status, I somehow expect other people to think exactly the same, ie, No problemo. And that's naive. Yet at the same time, knowing what U=U etc means should help people with their stigma -- but I guess it doesn't.

There are a number of issues playing out here, for me, that have (I realize) nothing to do with this guy (though his hot and cold approach and his inconsistencies cuase me grief). In many ways, I've overblown all this and need to slow/calm down. After all these years of living, I should know better. But maybe it is that those old wounds -- from loving, from finding one's place in this large world -- still haven't healed.

I'll try to keep trying, and do better.

[Jim Allen]

Thanks for the posts. Very sobering. And true. I need to get a grip.

I suppose that for me, never having had a single (physical) issue with my status, I somehow expect other people to think exactly the same, ie, No problemo. And that's naive. Yet at the same time, knowing what U=U etc means should help people with their stigma -- but I guess it doesn't.

There are a number of issues playing out here, for me, that have (I realize) nothing to do with this guy (though his hot and cold approach and his inconsistencies cuase me grief). In many ways, I've overblown all this and need to slow/calm down. After all these years of living, I should know better. But maybe it is that those old wounds -- from loving, from finding one's place in this large world -- still haven't healed.

I'll try to keep trying, and do better.

U=U is an empty and ill-conceived slogan without caring about combating real improvements or stigma in a meaningful way, IMO.  There I said it, and as unpopular as this may sound (most likely does) I stand by it, U=U is about as miserable as "clean" in my books and makes me want to vomit.

Anyhow, getting back to your situation, I am sorry things haven't worked out. Reading back the multiple threads I don't think HIV was or is the key issue, and I am sorry you got hurt. 

Hugs, and we're always here for you but if you want to chat one-on-one send me a PM. My door is always open for you.

 

[leatherman]

I somehow expect other people to think exactly the same, ie, No problemo. And that's naive. Yet at the same time, knowing what U=U etc means should help people with their stigma -- but I guess it doesn't.

people only really think about a concept until it affects them.

Look over in the AII? section. All those people had "sex" (it's in quotes because some of their stories just don't even count as sex. it's sad but not the issue for now. LOL) THEN after sex they come running here to learn about PEP, PrEP, and possible risks. Now they're really thinking about HIV for the first time and freaking out.

Or consider the people in the just tested poz forum. Not to negate their issues or devalue the time we happily spend trying to support those people, but sometimes those people freak out for a long time as they get used to being +, taking meds daily, and actually thinking about their entire health status.

the blunt truth is that HIV has only affected a teeny tiny portion of the population (africa aside). Even amongst high risk groups like MSM or injection drug users, the vast majority of people just don't have HIV....and they simply rarely if ever think about HIV and the ramifications.

I must say I never think what being diagnosed with cancer might be like. I don't have it and neither has any of my family. But the day my mom, or me!!!, gets it, you can be sure I'll be thinking about it then..... and freaking out about it.

[CalvinC]

Thanks Jim, kind thoughts.

I'm interested, though, in what else you wrote:

"U=U is an empty and ill-conceived slogan without caring about combating real improvements or stigma in a meaningful way, IMO.  There I said it, and as unpopular as this may sound (most likely does) I stand by it, U=U is about as miserable as "clean" in my books and makes me want to vomit."

I get what you're saying, though I'm also thinking that you might be referring to its emptiness as non-poz people might experience understanding it. Is that right? I know that for me, when I first heard it, which was only a few months ago (believe it or not), I thought it was wonderful.

Leatherman, I like what you say about people not thinking about it until it affects them. That really helps with my perspective. As an illustration of hiv causing people to think, the guy I was seeing when I tested poz (as I've discussed in other posts here) freaked out when I told him -- BUT he was also the chair of one of the local minority (ie, non-white) gay AIDS/HIV organizations. You'd think that there couldn't have been a person more understanding. But nope. It got very personal for him, I guess, and very real.

As for the guy I'm seeing now, I'm pretty sure I'm the first guy he's dated, since before he moved to Canada he was dating women. So not only is he navigating something new, he's also now had to take into account my status. (I have to say, it's going well. And I'm calming down too.)

[Jim Allen]

I get what you're saying, though I'm also thinking that you might be referring to its emptiness as non-poz people might experience understanding it. Is that right?

Yes & No.

To keep it short, it's simply re-marketing something already known, I would not mind as much if it helped educate/change something but in the scheme of things, it doesn't, it is shallow and can also make things worse and worse yet it uses "undetectable" which is a terrible, outdated & confusing term for many to start with and this doesn't help matters. I could go more into details but feel that's a topic for a separate thread.