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Author Topic: downside to outliving people  (Read 4930 times)

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Offline leatherman

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downside to outliving people
« on: May 01, 2024, 04:10:22 pm »
Waking up today, blearily-eyed I glanced at my tablet on the nightstand. Like every year before, there was a calendar notice – the anniversary of Jim’s death. My stupid brain decided it was awake enough to do some math figuring up how long it’s been since that fateful day in 2008.

Sixteen years. OMG It was sixteen years after Randy’s death when I started dating Larry and I couldn't believe how long Randy had been gone. Now I almost couldn’t believe it's been that long since I lost Jim. Then I calculated some more and realized later this month on the 25th it’ll be 30 years since Randy passed away.

While I certainly don’t mind being a Long Term Survivor (40 yrs this December!), there’s a downside to outliving the people I love – sadness. While I handle it pretty well most of the time, I sure hate the way it can sneak up on you when you're least expecting it.

So today I looked through all the old pictures, remembered all the good times (especially all the pool parties), and then went out to drain and clean the pool up after winter, so I can start filling it up tomorrow.
leatherman (aka Michael)

We were standing all alone
You were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker
Dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
- Darren Hayes, "Chained to You"

Online Jim Allen

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2024, 04:37:06 am »
Sending you hugs.
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Offline Tonny2

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2024, 11:05:44 am »



             ojo.           I’m aorry to read you eventhough I haven’t llost partner due to complications of aids, I can feel your pain. I just have list a friend from the “vivir con vih” (Tonny) and my best friend although I think he was killed with an experimental treatment to treat his cancer, because his hiv was suppressed, but anyway, we are still here and I think your ex pattbers are happy for you having met Larry and keeping having fun filling up the swimming pool… Hugs

Offline Grasshopper

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2024, 02:08:40 pm »
Sigh....I can relate, however the sadness has transformed into resignation. Life goes on, just about 25% left to go. Peace be with you.

Offline leatherman

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2024, 06:51:19 pm »
Thanks everyone.

You know, really even with the way HIV messed up my life and health, I don't get down too often. I've even come to grips with having two deceased partners. (You know, you kinda have to. Life keeps fk-ing moving on and eventually you're dragged along with it.)

No matter how much I miss them at times, I do have my Larry with me now...and I'm still alive. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet! But every once in a while a date or an event will happen, and I'll think about either Randy or Jim (or often both) and what they have missed out on. Of course, sometimes I imagine the what-could-have-beens too. Sigh. I love what my life is now; but I think I would have also loved it if I could have lived it out with either Randy or Jim.

In remembrance of Jim I spent the last two days getting the pool cleaned up and starting to fill back up for another summer.

however the sadness has transformed into resignation
ooo, that's a very astute realization. Yes, numerous times rather than feel despondency, I've felt resignation. I'm going to keep that word in mind.

just about 25% left to go
I like to think that I'll live as long as my grandmother did (104),  so I've just passed 50%. ;)
leatherman (aka Michael)

We were standing all alone
You were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker
Dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
- Darren Hayes, "Chained to You"

Offline Mindless

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2024, 10:46:55 am »
Hugs, Mike 🙏🏻
Dx Feb. 2018, CD 320, %14

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Offline numbersguy82

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2024, 09:06:14 am »
Waking up today, blearily-eyed I glanced at my tablet on the nightstand. Like every year before, there was a calendar notice – the anniversary of Jim’s death. My stupid brain decided it was awake enough to do some math figuring up how long it’s been since that fateful day in 2008.

Sixteen years. OMG It was sixteen years after Randy’s death when I started dating Larry and I couldn't believe how long Randy had been gone. Now I almost couldn’t believe it's been that long since I lost Jim. Then I calculated some more and realized later this month on the 25th it’ll be 30 years since Randy passed away.

While I certainly don’t mind being a Long Term Survivor (40 yrs this December!), there’s a downside to outliving the people I love – sadness. While I handle it pretty well most of the time, I sure hate the way it can sneak up on you when you're least expecting it.

So today I looked through all the old pictures, remembered all the good times (especially all the pool parties), and then went out to drain and clean the pool up after winter, so I can start filling it up tomorrow.

Sorry for your loss. But I see you are keeping his memory alive with all the pool time nowadays 😅

Offline Cojo

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2024, 07:18:12 pm »
Hey Mike,
Well I am one who is really glad that you made it past the darker days and was around to be a critical part of my initial care almost 13 years ago. As a lost, frightened and bewildered newbie, you patiently answered my questions, gave me hope And made me realize life goes on. I’m glad you made it through. My life depended on it
May 2011 - Tested Positive
June 2011 - CD4 330   16%   VL182,000 no resistance
Oct 6, 2011 - CD4 300  20%  VL 60,000
Oct 7, 2011 - start Truvada / Isentress
Nov 29, 2011 CD4 280 26% VL 54
Feb 7 2012 CD4 260 25% UD!
Mar 20 2012 CD4 400 28%
June 2012 CD4 330 26% UD
Sept 2012 CD4 450 32% UD
Dec 2012 CD4 310 28% UD
May 2013 CD4 500 32% UD
Oct 2013 CD4 460 33% UD
May 2014 CD4 360 33% UD
Aug 2014 swap out Isentress for Tivicay
Oct 2014 CD4 320 33% UD
Feb 2015 CD4 420 30% UD
Jul 2015 CD4 480 32% VL51 !!
Sep 2015 UD
Feb 2016 CD4 460 35% UD
Aug 2016 CD4 378 33% UD

Offline leatherman

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2024, 05:57:44 pm »
I’m glad you made it through. My life depended on it
I'm certainly glad if I was any help to you  ;)
and I'm certainly glad that you're still around too!  :D

leatherman (aka Michael)

We were standing all alone
You were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker
Dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
- Darren Hayes, "Chained to You"

Offline Charles.M

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2024, 09:11:49 am »
Mike you were a ton of help to me when I was first diagnosed. Thank you so much, I’m sorry for your losses and life does go on for the living. Sorry you are feeling a bit down. 
05/22/23 INITIAL DX
05/26/23 CD4-72/VL-63,400/4%
06/06/23 STARTED BIKTARVY
07/05/23 CD4-NT/VL-63
08/08/23 CD4-163/VL-21/6%
09/15/23 CD4-NT/VL<20
10/17/23 CD4-162/UD/7%
12/25/23 CD4-149/UD/6%
05/28/24 CD4-162/UD/8%

Offline CalvinC

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Re: downside to outliving people
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2024, 03:15:07 pm »
Sorry for the losses, Mike.

When I was a young man and people around me were dying I made sure to make myself scarce, I'm ashamed to say. Or maybe it was that I didn't have that many close friends and so deaths from AIDS seemed oddly distant. Even now that I am poz (2006 diagnosis) I still feel distant from it, as it doesn't seem to be a threat. (And I suppose I'm fortunate in not experiencing physical health issues.)

The deaths I know are my parents'. They both died in 1999. And as much as I'd like it to be different, they fade over time. My eldest brother (in my large family) is now ill and will likely die in the next couple of years. And even though odds are that I won't be here in 25 years, I don't dwell much on my demise, save for the somewhat twisted hope that I'll die before any of my other siblings or friends so that I won't have to grieve.

There's a very moving scene in the Japanese film After Life (1998) in which the character Shiori says, "I can't bear to be forgotten by any more people." And invariably I will be, as we all will, a couple of generations down the road.

 


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