And then it happened....

[adamSAT]

Hi-

I am not sure I am even doing this right but here goes… I tested positive for the month ago. To say I was surprised is an understatement. I am 42 years old and about five years ago I was type noticed with a neurological disorder called neurofibromatosis. It's a disease that causes benign tumors to grow in different places inside the body. Mind seem to like to cluster around the nerve endings of my spine. I had three operations in five years, Which were supposed to save my life or keep me from becoming quadriplegick. The result was a graduate to duration of function with each successive operation, the last one lending me in a wheelchair.

I'm sure I don't have to tell any of the gay men reading this that ours can be a vain and superficial people. My dance card wasn't exactly full.  In fact it was mostly empty. I was weak, I walked funny and I didn't have particularly great use of my arm. As a result, I put the physical side of my life on the back burner. In fact between 2011 and 2014 I had 2 sexual encounters. 2..in 5 years.  One barely qualified as sex  and the second was basically a tweak desperate to get off, so I let him fuck me bareback. And so it happened…

The real irony is but I'm not exactly a holier than thou kind of guy. Between the time I was 17 and the time I was 35 I partied.... A lot.  All night dancing and drug fueled orgies in San Francisco in the late 90s. Enough vodka, Ecstasy, And gumbo to sinking ship in New Orleans in the years after that. And after a brief respite so I could finally finish college it was cocaine, Champagne and an equal amount or work and play.  It goes without saying that, being a red-blooded American male, I hooked up with everybody he was nailed to the floor. Condom or no (usually no if I could help it) the sex and the chase we really all I could think about.  I got tested every year and it always came back negative. I don't know if I lulled myself into a false sense of security. Or maybe I just didn't care. Truthfully maybe I even have to ask myself if I wanted to catch. Long story short this boy has issues.

I look up at the sky and shake my fist!  I didn't use a condom once during the entire Bush administration and get away scot-free.  Well, mostly scot-free, there're a couple of times I had a problem with things that itch.... But I digress. So now I'm in the wheelchair, if I wanted to get fucked someone would literally have to hold my legs up over my head… But again I digress.

So now comes the HIV diagnosis.  The condition that I had before causes me a great deal of pain. I take enough pills everyday that even Judy Garland would take pause. And now I have to take more. I started on Triumeq this week.  It makes me feel crappy. Nauseated, no appetite but if I do eat in makes me more nauseated. Does anybody have experience you think this will just go away?

In closing, And I'm sorry for rambling on, what do I do now? How can I even begin to plan for the future? What is my life going to be like? I feel like a burden to everybody. Don't get me wrong I'm not depressed. I'm a happy. person most of the time. how ever going to meet anybody.  Even if I wanted just a random hood-u, much less a relationship, guys are not exactly lining up for guy with a compromised immune system in a wheelchair. I was trying to think of a good screen name "BBB or Bearded Burden Bottom" or ROLAIDS.  Please forgive my a terrible sense of humor.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. I've appreciate caring about other peoples experiences.

Very truly yours,

Hot wheels+ "aka Adam"
San Antonio, Texas

[mecch]

I am sorry you got HIV.  Welcome here. I don't have answers for you but can tell you that most people NOWADAYS get used to being HIV+ eventually and, especially living in a country with good health care and good HIV treatment, don't see it as the primary source of difficulties in their lives. Its more of an annoying thing.  Yes more people will have a reason to refuse us as sex partners. It is what it is.

If you are asking the questions about what life will be like with HIV and how to plan life with HIV, I would answer the above, some more refusals for sex - but usually not a desert.  Planning for life - well - one makes sure that one will always have medical care and have the treatment. Such as being sure as possible that there won't be gaps in the treatment. Thats about it.  Otherwise plan for life same as before HIV - longevity, etc. 

You haven't been HIV+ very long at all and most people in your situation (mine as well) are told to expect a pretty average life span and pretty average health, meaning the HIV isn't going to be a catastrophe.

How that all combines with your other condition, I can't say, obviously.  It helps you are cheerful.  I suppose if you are cheerful and optimistic and social, there will be some opportunities for sex and romance in the future.  Don't isolate yourself.

[CaveyUK]

Hi Adam

Sorry to hear about all your troubles, although was entertained by your turn of phrase!

There is one benefit of your situation, in a twisted sort of way, in that you will find over time that HIV is very manageable and your other issues will help keep a sense of proportion over it all. It doesn't change who you are, just as your disability doesn't. You clearly have an engaging personality and that will help in future relationship-wise - disability/HIV or not.

Keeping a positive mental attitude is so important in so many ways, for folks living with any condition so thats a really good sign.

As for Triumeq, like all drugs, it can take a while to settle down but should do soon enough. If for some reason it doesn't, there are plenty of options out there.

And I should say welcome to the forum. There are a lot of knowledgable people here who have been living with HIV from anywhere between days and decades. If you have any questions to ask, feel free to ask away