Living the torture

[hopelessguy]

Hello all,

Am here to tell you my darkest life. living alone, thousands of kms far from my families(different country). Was expected to be an ambitious guy, of course i was on the way to succeed what was expected to achieve. but death is in front to stop me not to move further for success at the age of 24. Bad!.

Here is my horrific story, left my families and my girlfriend with lots of tears 3 years back and started the new life in foreign country for studying. Living by abstain from any romantic activity for more than 3 years, but did one stupid mistake in october 2011. Had unexpected sex suddenly with a lady who have been interested to do that. bad luck comes here, condom was broken during the intercourse. we stopped the act as soon as we realized the incident. Worst moment in my life, freaked out much and getting panic. Went to hospital by the next day and tested negative. the torture comae 1 and half month of the exposure. My tongue changed white, faced for sever fever and headache, extreme fatigue, and small rashes on my body. things gettin worst and worst. prescribed antibiotic, but doesn't help me. Went to HIV test 4 times in 3 months, all came out negative. However, the pain(especially fever and pain around my tonsil) persists.

My doc couldn't find out cause of my sickness. referred to other doctors for all screenings but all came out normal, also did all std tests and results are negative. I declared my self that am poz, because i never have such type of illnesses in my life time. Crying for a number of hour/day. No one is around me even a friend. Crying in my room alone. This a life we can call it HELL. Can't able to manage the sickness. 4 more tests have been done total  of 7 tests since the time of exposure. The last one was may 20(last week) which was more than 8 months of the exposure. All came back negative, but difficult to believe the results. i can believe my self more than the results. Am experiencing all symptoms and still suffering the worst pain since November. Every day, specially after noon time suffering the torture for long hours   . Did many treatments for the illness and all prescriptions are not helping me even for a day.

The mystery thing is why docs hide my result? I know am foreigner, probably they have a rule not to inform poz results for foreigners. Or less probably, am not the one who can naturally produce antibody. The realty can't be beyond these 2 reasons . Don't tell me that as it happens because of stress. It happened not because of stress, i haven't been in much stress at the first time. the other bad thing is the result of blood control came out with so low WBC count(3.4) .

Everything gets messed up at me. Would it be the right decision to commit a suicide? perhaps yes. the other thing what is disturbing me much is family case and my girlfriend. She wanted me to go back home soon, but i didn't. Now she have plane to visit me soon. I don't know what to do right now. I don't want to meet her, but i know she can be hurted easily if i keep ignorance. What shall i do? How can i tell her the reality? How can i handle everything? Here it come whther the right decision is commit a suicide or not. It could be good decision as per my self, but i don't want to cause my families' and my girlfriend's life to be miserable. But what can be the right way?

Sorry for writing this plenty of texts. I need someone who can help me right now. Please help me if there could be an option to see the world again. Thanks.

[RapidRod]

■Please do not start a new thread every time you have another question or thought - regardless if you think your questions are related to each other or not. It helps us to help you when you keep all your thoughts or questions in one thread and it helps other readers to follow the discussion. Additional threads will be merged.


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[hopelessguy]

Hi Rapidrod,

This is my first topic and question. Thanks

[jkinatl2]

NO, you are incorrect.

There are FOUR posts to your screen name. Two in "Just tested positive" and two here.

I hope a moderator will be along to merge your convoluted posting history and stories..

[Ann]

Hopeless,

I left the two post you made in a thread in Just Tested (and added an update to say you are not hiv positive). The original poster in that thread turned out to not be poz either, and the thread was locked. Don't post in Just Tested (or anywhere else other than this thread) again.

Cut the drama. You don't have hiv.

The mystery thing is why docs hide my result? I know am foreigner, probably they have a rule not to inform poz results for foreigners.

That's just insanity. There is NO country on earth who would do that. There are some countries who would kick you out for testing poz, but not a single place who would hide your positive status from you.

Doctors anywhere want their patients to know when they're hiv positive - to stop onward transmissions. If they were to tell every foreign national in the country who tested poz that they were negative, just think how many more people could be infected as a result. You need to calm down and think things through.

You need to keep working with your doctor to find out what, if anything, is actually going on with you. Whatever that may be it is NOT hiv. You have more than conclusively ruled hiv out of the picture.

You were never likely to test positive over a condom break anyway, as the insertive partner. I've yet to see the insertive partner end up positive over a condom break. You were never going to be the first.

If you're still feeling suicidal, go to the Emergency Room of your nearest hospital and tell them how you're feeling. It would be tragic to kill yourself over a virus YOU DO NOT HAVE.

I'm going to warn you right now, if you post anywhere other than this thread again, you will be banned. Also, if you read the Welcome Thread before posting like you're supposed to, you will have read the following posting guideline:

Anyone who continues to post excessively, questioning a conclusive negative result or no-risk situation, will be subject to a four week Time Out (a temporary ban from the Forums). If you continue to post excessively after one Time Out, you may be given a second Time Out which will last eight weeks. There is no third Time Out - it is a permanent ban. The purpose of a Time Out is to encourage you to seek the face-to-face help we cannot provide on this forum.

Please consider yourself warned!

Ann


edited to fix a confusing typo

[hopelessguy]

Dear Ann,

Thanks a lot for the explanation. Really sorry about the post from other thread. That one was not my topic. I joined this forum a month ago and I posted as a reply for someone who was worrying about his/her HIV status. I just tried to wish good result for his/her diagnosis. I thought that it is possible to comment on others thread. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Even i mentioned at that thread as I will post my story. But i have been waiting other tests of me before posting my story here.

Am following the docs, but they couldn't treat my sickness yet. I don't know why, am suffering pain everyday. But they are always making appointments. I need to get some medication for my pain. I can't able to resist the pain that am suffering everyday inside my throat/tonsil. it drives me crazy . I can't able to study for exams . I know am poz for sure, I let my self to accept that after struggling with myself for 2/3 months, but how can i manage the pain am suffering everyday? The family case is the other thing that increases the torture.

Anyway thanks a lot for your kind advice. I really need someone who can provide me how to go a head.

[RapidRod]

Seek professional mental help if you aren't able to accept your no risk.

[Ann]

Hopeless,

I think Rodney missed your mention of a condom break while reading your wall of text.

Regardless, it is a risk very much on the LOW end of the scale. Besides, you have CONCLUSIVELY tested hiv NEGATIVE. You do not have hiv.

Here's how you "go ahead": You are just going to have to keep working with your doctor to find out what's wrong. Infections that cause pain in the tonsils are usually bacterial in origin. Go ask your doctor to swab your throat.

Whatever is causing your pain has NOTHING to do with hiv. You have conclusively ruled hiv out as a possible cause.

YOU DO NOT HAVE HIV. End of story.

Ann

[hopelessguy]

Dear Ann,

Really thanks a lot for your kind words. Your points are so helpful. god bless you!. I am trying my best to do everything with docs. I have appointment with them for blood control. My white blood cell count is 3.4, which is so low. I will update new things. Thanks again!.

[Andy Velez]

Whatever is causing your low white blood count has nothing to do with HIV. You have reliably tested negative for HIV so that is not the issue for you.

If you have any kind of physical problem that is something to sort out with your doctor. HIV is our only focus here and that is not your problem.