Borderline, Bipolar and HIV all-in-one

[sylvester212]

HIV since 1994/95. Bipolar probably all-life, but dx in 2000. Called Borderline in 2000: and that more-or-less stuck. Insult upon insult. All that you do, thereafter that is the least bit emotional is scrutinized through the mental illness (DSM-IV-tr) lens.

I'm lucky to have a psychiatrist for 10+ years who does not buy into the labels, since they are not concluded with hard science. They're approximations. And the meds are there to treat symptoms. HAART meds get at the infection: very different approach. I take HAART, even when I feel like dying. I can stop or add a psych med, if that is the case.

A few days ago, I became sick of "morning sickness" from Wellbutrin, a common atypical antidepressant. I crave it like a street drug. So I overslept, two days on purpose now. Day 2: no Wellbutrin AND no Provigil. And while I had to get over the morning Discontinuation Syndrome, I feel pretty good. I still take a small dose, 25mg of Seroquel and 2mg Klonopin. I plan to taper off the Klonopin, too.

And I could do this: but a friend wants me to dog-sit all next week: high-energy rat terrier (whom I love). That may confound my psych drug-holiday. But just knowing that I am not completely drug-dependent (most of my life was without psych meds) in 2011 is important to me.

At 48, I can go either way. I can relish in the diagnoses, and learn a lot about the Self. Or, I can try to downplay the thing, which is incurable, and move a bit more toward center. I like that latter option.

I'll always be "a man who lives in hotels." (quote: Breakfast at Tiffany's, Capote) I may go through this life alone - as so many of us must prepare for. But I don't have to life's vicissitudes drive me truly nuts. Been there: not very interesting. peace to all who fight the good fight. sylvester, NYC