I'm poz but I some1 who's not gave me oral sex.... HELP

[resilientboy]

So I didn't know where to post.  But here is my situation.  I met a guy off a gay dating site and we met last nite went out to dinner and came back to his house.  We hit it off well and he's a really nice guy.  We talked for about 3 hours until finally we started play fighting and stuff.  Well that lead to making out and before you know it he was taking off my clothes.  I knew where we were headed but I just did not have the guts to stop myself.  He started kissing and caressing my body and then he did it... he gave me oral sex which only lasted two minutes, but, still.  So my dilemma is how I should tell him or if should just not tell him and stop talking to him.  I am on meds and therefore virals are low.  He's a great guy but I'm scared of how he will react.   HELP!!!  thanx

[Matty the Damned]

Sweetie,

Since this is more of a disclosure issue than an HIV transmission one you really could have posted this in one of the poz only Forums. Maybe one of the Goderators will move it for you.

Look the notion that HIV can be transmitted from insertive to receptive partner during in unprotected oral sex is theoretical. There are some anecdotal tales of people being infected that way, but these are hotly contested. There have been a number of scientific studies done on long-term serodiscordant couples and guess what?

Not a single negative partner became HIV positive through oral sex in those studies.

Nada.

So you really have nothing to fret about regarding having potentially infected this fellow.

Fondly,

MtD

[Central79]

Hey

Without getting into the risks of transmission from oral sex, it seems to me that the issue here is one of disclosure - and whether this guy is going to give you a hard time for not disclosing before you went anywhere sexual.

I personally think that he'd have to be a pretty hard hearted guy to cut you off over this. Personally, I would tell him rather than just cutting him out of your life. See how he reacts. What have you got to loose anyway, if the other option is just to ignore him? I think most people respond well to disclosure, at any stage if you've done your best to protect them.

Obviously this is causing you a lot of anxiety. I think it's worth you thinking how you handle this stuff in the future. I found it really difficult to disclose on dates when I was single. I tended to go on one date, think about whether I liked and trusted the guy, and would disclose before the second date if I did. Sometimes I got rejected, most times I didn't. It slowed me down, but I'm not sure that was a bad thing.

The other thing I did was put it up on my gaydar page - it really surprised me how positive people were, and it didn't really affect my dating life. The thing that changed was I ended up hooking up with more mature, caring, decent people. The sex was better!

This is a tough thing to deal with. But once you get your head around the fact that you aren't being rejected for you, but because of some random virus you have, it's easier.

Good luck,

Matt.

[Cerrid]

The other thing I did was put it up on my gaydar page - it really surprised me how positive people were, and it didn't really affect my dating life. The thing that changed was I ended up hooking up with more mature, caring, decent people. The sex was better!

I totally agree. I did the same thing and found it's a jolly good way to get rid of the burden of disclosure during or after a date. Like Matt, I did not feel that I got less dates but the ones I get are honest, mature and passionate. I also met a lot of poz guys in my area who contacted me after reading my profile but didn't dare to disclose themselves openly.

[megasept]

So I didn't know where to post.  But here is my situation.  I met a guy off a gay dating site and we met last nite went out to dinner and came back to his house.  We hit it off well and he's a really nice guy.  We talked for about 3 hours until finally we started play fighting and stuff.  Well that lead to making out and before you know it he was taking off my clothes.  I knew where we were headed but I just did not have the guts to stop myself.  He started kissing and caressing my body and then he did it... he gave me oral sex which only lasted two minutes, but, still.  So my dilemma is how I should tell him or if should just not tell him and stop talking to him.  I am on meds and therefore virals are low.  He's a great guy but I'm scared of how he will react.   HELP!!!  thanx

OK, you probably fucked up when you didn't tell him:
1) before meeting OR
2) during dinner OR
3) while your shirts and pants were still on.

Earlier is better. You're only human. Now you can tell him, possibly in person, and apologize while looking him in the eye, or you can do the easier thing, and not see him or speak with him anymore. Medically it will make no difference for him---what's done it done. Morally you were not living up to a very high standard---but that's why you decided to post here. You might even find out he's poz and you end up angry with him. Who knows? But you need to set some new disclosure rules for yourself.

I get a million hits on a dating site where the first word in my Headline is "POZ". I get it out of the way. If I meet a guy at a bar or anywhere, the disclosure conversation takes place over dinner, on a walk, in the parking lot or car before we leave together. My idea of sexual fun does not include guilt (childish emotion) or the sense that I might not be living up to what I consider my social responsibility (adult emotion). To make it more complicated, the specific sexual practice might make a difference in your need for disclosure, but then you are deciding for someone else, and maybe that is unfair. In a blow job the risk is to the guy taking the cock more than the other way around. But kissing might lead to blow job might lead to fucking. It's a slippery slope. And sliding down that slope can be lots of f u n !!!

Rejection is no fun. But I'd rather be rejected at a bar or over coffee, than treated like a pariah in my own living room! Take a deep breath and think of a better way to navigate dating, sex, whatever you want to call it. You'll do better. When you "have it down" teach others in our predicament. That might be your penance for yesterday's actions. You're not evil and you're not perfect.

Good Luck!    -megasept

[Iggy]

well if it is an consolation - he is more likely to get throat cancer from you (or anyone) than HIV for giving oral according to latest thing I read.

Honestly - disclosure is your responsibility....and his protecting himself is his.

I never felt that the burden of  talking about HIV status rests on the poz partner - it is the equal responsibility of both (or multiple) parties to ask and answer the question of are you poz?

He decided that sucking off some stranger he met online was an acceptable risk and that is his decsion - you should carry no guilt about this.  That said - i sympathize with what you are feeling and I think my issue is that I try to get the status issue out of the way before it even moves to sex....which unfortunately is a turn off iteslf to a lot of people because it freaks them out that I disclose so quickly before we even decide if we like each other.

[bimazek]

my advice is...  he did not catch anything from you, better chance of getting hit by lightening, and just tell him you wanta get to know each other before sex, then after 5 dates, you will find you maybe dont like him or he you, then you dont have to worry...
this has to do with st8t couples, but
in fact in a new study release in last month 200 sero opposite st8t couples were followed they all created babies and none wore condoms and none of the partners got HIV, this is because they were all undetectable, so the advice was st8t couples can have totally ok to have unprotected sex to concieve a child but best to have protected sex during the days women is not fertile, i think this is a HUGE HUGE HUGE event, and i dont know but i think there is still a huge bias against gay male sex as opposed to st8t sex, for example, st8ts live swim in a world of love being the glue of thier culture, a man loves a woman visa versa and even though one is poz other neg, they stick together and scientists now prove they dont transmit even if they have sex without a condom in order to create a baby, (personally if i was neg i would be afraid, but the point is love, they love and want to have baby with that person)  ,     ,   . meanwhile in st8t world they are having babies one poz undetectable one neg...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! over 200 participants and they recommended condomless sex to concieve a baby if poz partner is undetectable  being on meds definately makes you less infectious to partners,   ,     ,   look at a recent study  ,     ,   200 st8t couples  ,     ,   one sero poz other sero neg.  ,     ,   all wanted kids  ,     ,   all poz partners were undetectable  ,     ,   all had many un protected sex acts to concieve a kid  ,     ,   all 200 had one kid and none was infected and none passed the virus to neg partner  ,     ,   some had two kids this way  ,     ,   the conculsion of study was  ,     ,   it ok to have unprotected sex if one is undetectable  ,     ,   but it is best to limit it to only furtile days  ,     ,   contrast this to the anti-male male sex campaign that is creating fear and hate against gays  ,   called ask him if he is poz  ,     ,   the st8ts have relationship they want baby with that person cause they love that person  ,     ,   (personally i might want to find a neg. partner but that is the point the st8t world is in a oxygen of love and support)  the gay world is in a world of sex and usury exchange of value, muscles, youth, size, fetishes  ,     ,   i think it is all made worse by the safe sex propaganda which is very very anti male male love  ,   anti poz neg gay sex  ,     ,   anti poz person really  ,     ,   how many gays would NOT be poz if they had been in LTR with a POZ guy while they were negative  ,     ,   probably half  ,     ,   no one is telling st8ts to not love a poz person or dump a poz wife or husband and many do not  ,     ,   sex is supported in gay mags but not love  ,     ,   body worship... kind of a sex worship and anti - humanity anti love mentality pervades the gay mags  ,     ,   and gay lifestyle  ,     ,   look at the recent study of 200 st8t couples, one poz one neg, all poz were undetectable, they all wanted and had babies, they all had unprotected sex many many many times to create the babies, the study showed that not one of them transmitted to the baby and not one of them transmitted to the other partner  ,     ,   imagine if this was gays... they would be saying... find another woman you cannot do that that is wrong...  ,   there is some deep love between that poz st8t and the neg st8t married etc  ,     ,   if i would have picked on poz person to be in relationship with long term maybe i would not have got the disease  ,     ,   but i think the safe sex campaigns and the constantly shifting what is safe and what is not and the fact that nothing was really every ocmpletely safe  ,     ,   what we need is  ,     ,   focus on love  ,     ,   love is the solution  ,     ,   love between two men  ,     ,   there is a new study out 200 sero different couples all wanted kids  ,     ,   all the poz partners had undetectable vl  ,     ,   they all had normal sex to create a child  ,     ,   all had one some two kids this way  ,     ,   none transfered virus to neg partner  ,     ,   the study suggested unprotected ok but best to limit to fertile period if trying to concieve  ,     

so you are in same boat

and the study said sex ok for st8ts so i think you are ok

dont stress

there are like 5000 poz alcoholics and drug addicts in every usa europe city going to clubs parks baths
getting sucked and 50 000 who dont know they are poz

[Matty the Damned]

As Jaser would say:

O__o

MtD

[jack]

didnt hear about that study or trial. I wonder. 

[Miss Philicia]

Whatever happened to using hard returns?

[Bucko]

my advice is...  he did not catch anything from you, better chance of getting hit by lightening, and just tell him you wanta get to know each other before sex, then after 5 dates, you will find you maybe dont like him or he you, then you dont have to worry...
this has to do with st8t couples, but
in fact in a new study release in last month 200 sero opposite st8t couples were followed they all created babies and none wore condoms and none of the partners got HIV, this is because they were all undetectable, so the advice was st8t couples can have totally ok to have unprotected sex to concieve a child but best to have protected sex during the days women is not fertile, i think this is a HUGE HUGE HUGE event, and i dont know but i think there is still a huge bias against gay male sex as opposed to st8t sex, for example, st8ts live swim in a world of love being the glue of thier culture, a man loves a woman visa versa and even though one is poz other neg, they stick together and scientists now prove they dont transmit even if they have sex without a condom in order to create a baby, (personally if i was neg i would be afraid, but the point is love, they love and want to have baby with that person)  ,     ,   . meanwhile in st8t world they are having babies one poz undetectable one neg...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! over 200 participants and they recommended condomless sex to concieve a baby if poz partner is undetectable  being on meds definately makes you less infectious to partners,   ,     ,   look at a recent study  ,     ,   200 st8t couples  ,     ,   one sero poz other sero neg.  ,     ,   all wanted kids  ,     ,   all poz partners were undetectable  ,     ,   all had many un protected sex acts to concieve a kid  ,     ,   all 200 had one kid and none was infected and none passed the virus to neg partner  ,     ,   some had two kids this way  ,     ,   the conculsion of study was  ,     ,   it ok to have unprotected sex if one is undetectable  ,     ,   but it is best to limit it to only furtile days  ,     ,   contrast this to the anti-male male sex campaign that is creating fear and hate against gays  ,   called ask him if he is poz  ,     ,   the st8ts have relationship they want baby with that person cause they love that person  ,     ,   (personally i might want to find a neg. partner but that is the point the st8t world is in a oxygen of love and support)  the gay world is in a world of sex and usury exchange of value, muscles, youth, size, fetishes  ,     ,   i think it is all made worse by the safe sex propaganda which is very very anti male male love  ,   anti poz neg gay sex  ,     ,   anti poz person really  ,     ,   how many gays would NOT be poz if they had been in LTR with a POZ guy while they were negative  ,     ,   probably half  ,     ,   no one is telling st8ts to not love a poz person or dump a poz wife or husband and many do not  ,     ,   sex is supported in gay mags but not love  ,     ,   body worship... kind of a sex worship and anti - humanity anti love mentality pervades the gay mags  ,     ,   and gay lifestyle  ,     ,   look at the recent study of 200 st8t couples, one poz one neg, all poz were undetectable, they all wanted and had babies, they all had unprotected sex many many many times to create the babies, the study showed that not one of them transmitted to the baby and not one of them transmitted to the other partner  ,     ,   imagine if this was gays... they would be saying... find another woman you cannot do that that is wrong...  ,   there is some deep love between that poz st8t and the neg st8t married etc  ,     ,   if i would have picked on poz person to be in relationship with long term maybe i would not have got the disease  ,     ,   but i think the safe sex campaigns and the constantly shifting what is safe and what is not and the fact that nothing was really every ocmpletely safe  ,     ,   what we need is  ,     ,   focus on love  ,     ,   love is the solution  ,     ,   love between two men  ,     ,   there is a new study out 200 sero different couples all wanted kids  ,     ,   all the poz partners had undetectable vl  ,     ,   they all had normal sex to create a child  ,     ,   all had one some two kids this way  ,     ,   none transfered virus to neg partner  ,     ,   the study suggested unprotected ok but best to limit to fertile period if trying to concieve  ,     

so you are in same boat

and the study said sex ok for st8ts so i think you are ok

dont stress

there are like 5000 poz alcoholics and drug addicts in every usa europe city going to clubs parks baths
getting sucked and 50 000 who dont know they are poz

Hopefully no one was sniffing poppers.

Brent
(Who likes to stay on message)

[thunter34]

Hopefully no one was sniffing poppers.

Brent
(Who likes to stay on message)

The hetero love & support oxygen bubble provides fitting protection against the ravages of poppers, too.  At least, that's what I read online.

I have the paper on that somewhere.  Gotta look.

[milker]

I translated in Japanese, because it's easier to read:

私の助言はそして…心配する必要がないことをそして5日付後に、多分好まない彼または彼を見つけることをwanta性の前に互いと知り合いになることを… 彼つかまえなかったし得ること緩和によって当られるのあなた、よりよいチャンスからの何もちょうど言う彼にである、これはst8tのカップルとしなければならない実際は例えば、st8tsが水泳thier文化の接着剤である愛の世界の住んでいることを私がであり私が考えることを知らないが、ことを新しい調査に st8tのカップルの反対の先月200のseroの解放は続かれてそれらすべての作成された赤ん坊であり、どれもコンドームを身に着けていなかったし、パートナーのどれもHIVを得なかった、すべて検出不可能、従って助言はst8tのカップル持つことができる総に良く無防備性を持つために concieve子供をだったが、だった最もよく幾日の女性の間の保護された性を持つことは肥沃でないのでこれはある、巨大なバイアスがst8tの性に対して陽気な男性の性に対して今でもあることをこれが巨大で巨大で巨大なでき事、私は考える、人は女性の査証のversaを愛し、1つがpoz他のnegであるのに、それらは一緒に付き、科学者は今証明するコンドームなしで性を赤ん坊を作成するために有しても、(個人的に私私によってが恐れている、ポイントが愛ならneg送信しないことを、その人を持つ赤ん坊があるために愛し、たいと思う)。その間st8tの世界で彼らに赤ん坊があっている1つのpozの検出不可能な1のneg…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 200関係者およびそれらにpozパートナーがmedsの検出不可能なあることdefinately作れば最近の調査でパートナーにより少なく、一見、伝染性に、200のst8tのカップル、1つのseroのpoz他のseroのnegならcondomless性をconcieve赤ん坊を推薦した。、すべての望まれた子供は、すべてのpozパートナー検出不可能、多くの国連によって保護された性行為持たれていたすべてconcieve子供を、すべての200持っていた1人の子供をでありどれも感染しなかったし1が検出不可能ならどれもnegパートナーにウイルスを、いくつか持っていた2人の子供をこうすれば、調査のconculsionだった、無防備性を持つこと良いそれ、渡さなかったが、furtile日だけにそれを、限るために、ゲイに対して恐れおよび憎悪を作成している呼ばれる反男性の男性の性のキャンペーンに彼がpozであるかどうか最もよかったりこれを、尋ねる彼に対照する、st8tsに赤ん坊がとのほしいと思う関係がある その人の原因彼らはその人を、愛する、(個人的に私はnegを見つけたいと思うかもしれない。パートナーしかしそれはst8tの世界によってが愛の酸素にサポートは性の世界に)陽気な世界あり、ある価値、筋肉、青年、サイズ、fetishesの暴利交換、私は考えるポイントであり、完全に作った、否定的な間、POZの人とのリットルにあったらpozは何人ゲイでないか非常に非常に反男性の男性愛である安全な性の宣伝、反pozのnegの陽気な性によってより悪く、反実際にpoz人、おそらく、半分、誰もpoz人を愛しないか、またはpozの妻か夫を投げ出さないように言っているst8tsをあることを多数は陽気なmags性の崇拝のない愛、ボディ崇拝の…種類で、性支えられるおよび反が、-人間性反愛心的状態は陽気なmagsを、浸透し、陽気な生活様式に、200のst8tのカップルの最近の調査、1つのpoz 1のnegの一見、すべてのpoz検出不可能、すべての望まれて、赤ん坊が、すべての持たれていた無防備性赤ん坊を作成する何多くの多くの回もあった…… 発見を別のもの言っていたこれがゲイだったかどうかそれらの1が赤ん坊に送信しなかったそれらの1が他のパートナーに送信しなかったことを調査は、想像する示し、 女性間違っている…することができない 私達が必要とする何を私がpoz人で長い言葉の関係にであるために私多分選んだら、そのpoz st8t間に深い愛があり、neg st8tによって結婚されている等は、病気、私を考える安全な性のキャンペーンを持たなかったし絶えず安全であり、ものをおよび何も実際にあらゆる ocmpletely安全の事実ないものが移すことは、愛の焦点、愛である解決、2人間の愛、である、新しい調査が200のseroの異なったカップルすべて望まれた子供、すべてのpozパートナー持っていた検出不可能なvlを、ある試みていたらすべてに妊娠可能期間にnegパートナーに、調査によって提案された無防備ok最もよく限界に子供を、作成する、正常な性が完全に持っていた 1つを約2人の子供こうすれば、どれも移されたウイルスconcieveなかったが、 同じボートにそうあるそしてst8ts従って私のための調査によって言われる性のokは良いことを考える 重点を置いてはいけない行くあらゆるクラブ公園の浴室への米国ヨーロッパ都市の5000人のpozのアルコール中毒患者そして麻薬常用者のようである知らないかだれが吸われて得ることは50 000 pozであり、

Milker.

[Miss Philicia]

That was a really odd use of commas up there too.  wtf

[xyahka]

Very creative Milker, as usual...

About the question...

I agree with those saying you should establish a rule for disclosure if you want to start dating people.

I have basic rule... If it is one night stand... i don't disclose but i protect myself and protect him. If it is going to be something more .... then i disclose before having sex.


Juan Carlos
(who has never disclosed to someone before sex so far... cause he hasn't found anyone to date since seroconversion)

[milker]

Very creative Milker, as usual...

I try

I've been thinking about resilientboy's situation. I can't say for sure "don't say anything". Maybe if you know that you're going to see him again you could email him, something like "I want to tell you that I had a great time with you. Should you want to meet again, I should disclose to you that I am positive. We didn't do anything that puts you at risk, and if you're willing to go further I believe that you should know my status. I hope we meet again soon!"

Now the problem with this, is that you would disclose to someone you only met once, and the consequences could be much more than what you expect. He could tell the entire world about your status, say that you put him at risk, etc. So I am very torn about this situation. I think I would disclose if you meet again, and if the situation comes to getting risky, but I wouldn't send such a mail.

Not an easy thing.

Milker.


Milker.

[NewYorkKat]

Hey resilientboy

Not to worry. No transmisson. If that was the case EVERYBODY would have it.

I am curious though after a long talk did HIV come up? Did he ask? Did you ask him?

[xyahka]

C'mon milker... don't overreact....

I actually like what you wrote, if you would have written that to me i would have accepted another date, but i would have preferred you to tell me that in person.

It happened to me in 2006, i realised i had had sex with a poz guy two years before, and i got angry and pissed off... by that time i had tested myself several times negative so i knew i wasn't infected (in that moment) but i told him: "you should have told me so i could decide!!!".

That's it, i guess it gives you some idea...

So talk to the guy one more time, and analyze him, and see if you really really want to go further with him.... if so, disclose... if not, just have some good safe sex and say good bye.

Don't worry too much about disclosing... come on... he might know lot of poz prior to meet you, we are everywhere.... so i don't think disclosure is as risky as milker says... come on milker, put your fet on the ground.... it is about disclosing to a person, not in front of United Nations....   

[milker]

C'mon milker... don't overreact....

I actually like what you wrote, if you would have written that to me i would have accepted another date, but i would have preferred you to tell me that in person.

When? During the first encounter or another time?

so i don't think disclosure is as risky as milker says... come on milker, put your fet on the ground.... it is about disclosing to a person, not in front of United Nations....   

A person you disclose to may disclose to other people that have no business knowing your status. I did disclose to people I had sex with in the previous 6 months, and I regret doing it for the most part. It lead to nowhere, except 2 responses that were a thank you. I've been "outed" by 2 guys already. I was trying to protect them and they disclosed to other people. They may well be positive and not know it. It's a mess.

Milker.

[Miss Philicia]

I hope you read their asses.

[thirtysomething]

HIV is not really transmitted by oral sex unless someone swallows you AND has cuts / bruises in his mouth. It's a hard decision to disclose your status.. Maybe he will over-react or maybe he'll be cool with it. 

Where does Bimazek gets all this information from? I've never heard of it before. The Japanese translation by Milker is hilarious! 

[Miss Philicia]

Roy Cohn's estate faxes the information I hear.

[resilientboy]

Thanks all of you guys!  I have decided to get to know this guy first.  I saw him again last night and we started kissing I gave him a back massage and stuff cause he was tired from work.  And then we started kissing again.  I got aroused and he got aroused and he wanted to F--- me.  But I said no, I just told him let's get to know each other first.  And he was like "Are you scared?"  And I was like "Scared of what?".  So I'll just wait and get to know what kinda guy he is and then I can decide about disclosing and how I will approach it.  But thank you all for your advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[milker]

Well...

I just drove a boy back to his place after he spent the night with me. I only gave him a couple of blow job during the night (i'm tired this morning), but when I woke up, the first reaction was:

"Now HOW THE F*** do I tell him". "Is he gonna ask: "Are you clean?"". I'm clean, I showered, what am I gonna say. I'm poz? I'm poz BUT you had no risk? I'm poz hahahaha? I'm sorry I should have said I'm poz, but we didn't do anything that put you at risk? Nothing? Say nothing?

This morning was a nightmare of disclosure anxiety. He didn't ask anything, I didn't tell anything. But I really do not like this situation.

Seems, resilientboy, that I understand what you felt that morning, a lot better now. I'm glad you seem to "get the grip" on it

Milker.

[xyahka]

i guess one should be sure of what to do before doing it huh?. So we avoid the guilty feelings afterwards...

i slept with a guy last night, it was a good fuck, but i didn't disclose... cause i know i don't want anything with him... he asked me to meet again (i guess i do one or two things good in bed, huh?) and i might accept, but no... no future for any kind of relationship (outside bed) with him... so disclosure was not needed, cause i didn't put him in risk.

eventhough i almost let him fuck me bareback... but it didn't happen.. as soon as i started to fuck him (protected) he lost interest in fucking me but enjoyed the way things figured out

Milker, don't feel so anxious... nor terrified about disclosure and rejection.... remember you are too sexy to be worried

hugs,

Juan Carlos (who enjoys having sex again...)

[bear60]

OK....the bear has had a few cocktails and isnt responsivble for what he is saying.......
Hey did ya use any poppers? They are nasty and cause health problems.

[red_Dragon888]

the truth will either set you free or drive you crazy