smart guy, stupid decisions

[idontknow]

Hi.  I am a 24 year old gay male.  I probably know everything there is to know about HIV transmission and safer sex.  I get tested every six months, but each time before I go, I start to freak out and read forums like this and The Body.  My results have always been negative, but somehow I've always taken that news as a license to keep engaging in promiscuous (but safe) behavior.

By promiscuous, I mean more than 15 partners in a six-month period.  Most of these partners are new, meaning not people I knew before the sexual encounter.  I don't mean to make any generalization, but my partners are predominantly young urban black men, who are categorized as a higher risk group for having HIV.

So I know all these facts, and I always protect myself during anal sex (both ways), and I always ask them their status and when they were tested (not that that means anything). 

However, at the end of December, I had unprotected insertive and receptive anal sex (no ejaculation) with GuyX, who I did actually know.  The reason was that we had done this before and have (to the best of my knowledge) always been honest with each other about our sexual encounters, and he and I had recently been tested and not had unprotected sex since the tests.  I know that you can't trust what anyone says and that the burden to protect yourself is on you alone, but I made that judgement.

Well, at the end of January, I began to feel dizzy, the next day had diarrhea, and continued to have diarrhea and feel weak and horrible the day after that.  I then developed a fever, which was usually in the 99 range but at its highest was above 101.  After a couple days, I felt better, better enough to go out to the bar and had a lot to drink.  Of course, the next day I felt horrible, and the fever returned, and for about another four or five days I felt very tired, had muscle aches, and one or two cold sores.  I also had at least two night sweats.  I never had a sore throat, rash, or swollen lymph nodes (although I don't really know how to tell if lymph nodes are swollen).

Sorry if I'm not supposed to detail my symptoms on here.  The only other risky behaviors within six weeks of becoming ill was unprotected insertive and receptive oral sex (never with ejaculation) , which supposedly is not actually risky.  I may have had cold sores while giving oral sex, I don't remember.

Obviously I'm very worried about having contracted HIV.  GuyX told me he has tested negative since our encounter, but I also get worried about oral sex, especially with cold sores.  I know symptoms are "not a reliable indicator" of HIV, but two weeks seems such a long time to be sick if it's not ARS.  I also can't help feeling that my behavior is eventually going to lead to HIV and that if I do have it I probably deserve it.  I know that's not how it works and that's just the stress talking.  I just feel so stupid because of everything I know about HIV.

I alternate between being sure I have HIV to thinking the chances are pretty low.  I haven't gone to get tested yet because I was waiting for the 12 weeks or whatever, and also because I have a lot going on in school and didn't want to risk a positive result while I have all this work to do.  But clearly the stress of not knowing is probably close to that of a positive diagnosis.

I don't even know why I'm writing on here, I don't know what I want anyone to say to me.  I guess I just always read posts from people who clearly have had no risk and are so paranoid, but I just think that I actually had a real risk AND had symptoms that to me seem pretty consistent with ARS.

So I guess I don't know what the point of this is, just that I needed to let it out somewhere and everyone on these forums seems very nice.  Sorry if this doesn't belong on here.

[Matty the Damned]

IDK,

This is the relevant bit of your OP:

So I know all these facts, and I always protect myself during anal sex (both ways), and I always ask them their status and when they were tested (not that that means anything).

However, at the end of December, I had unprotected insertive and receptive anal sex (no ejaculation) with GuyX, who I did actually know.  The reason was that we had done this before and have (to the best of my knowledge) always been honest with each other about our sexual encounters, and he and I had recently been tested and not had unprotected sex since the tests.  I know that you can't trust what anyone says and that the burden to protect yourself is on you alone, but I made that judgement.

You had unprotected anal sex, both ways, and this means you need to be tested for HIV. You should be tested 3 months (13 weeks) from the date of that encounter. You should also ask for a full STD screen, as you may have been exposed to things other than HIV.

The likelihood of you having been infected with HIV is not high, particularly since you didn't cop a load. You simply cannot take another person's word when it comes to claims of HIV negativity.

MtD

[idontknow]

Finally got tested today.  Negative.  I hope this can be a lesson to people (like myself) who come to this forum and freak out over symptoms.  As you can see, mine clearly fit the bill.

Thanks so much to the people who answer questions here.  This forum is a great resource, and it's very refreshing to have a place where people speak realistically about HIV without all the fear-inducing that you find elsewhere.  I really appreciate it.

[Matty the Damned]

I'm glad to hear you tested negative. To ensure you stay that way, don't fuck boys or let boys fuck you without condoms.

Condoms + water based lube everytime. Ok?

MtD

[idontknow]

I know, I know. Never again!

[Andy Velez]

Along with Matty's spot on comments, keep in mind that anytime you have unprotected anal you are literally putting your life at risk. Have a great time giving or getting anal, but do it the safer way: use a condom everytime. NO EXCEPTIONS!

That's the best way to celebrate having made it through safely this time.

Cheers.