I told my family I'm Positive...

[Central79]

Last Monday I told my father my HIV+ status over the phone. It came as part of a discussion over the fact that I'd been struggling for months before failing my medical finals. During that time I was depressed and finding it really difficult to reach out, even to friends who I relate to a lot better than my parents. For all of that time, and for a month after failing my exams and informing my parents (by e-mail) that I'd failed, I didn't call them and they didn't call me, which hurt when I realised how long it had been.

Failing my exams really was a wake up call for me about how I've let HIV take over my mind, and drive a wedge between me and my family, who I find tough anyway. It reminded me of the promise I made myself when I came out that I'd never keep a secret like that again. To my credit, I hid the knowledge I was gay for about 10 years, and the knowledge I'm HIV+ for only 18 months, so I'm improving!

On Monday and Tuesday night my dad and I had some marathon conversations. He's really impressed me with his determination to be supportive and he's read up about HIV on this site and others, finding them for himself. He's told my mother for me, who is the more difficult of the two to talk to as she is emotionally quite unavailable, as I was before starting therapy. My father tends to talk for them both - which is trying in it's own way as he very rarely addresses an issue directly, tending to skirt around it with platitudes and anecdotes whilst my mother sits and listens and I have no silence or space to gather my thoughts or talk. But he is trying.

The week culminated with a visit to see my parents. It was very tough for me, as I have avoided painful emotions for a large part of my life. It was by no means ideal, as my dad did his hijacking routine, and my mum her non-communicative thing. But they were much improved - because I kept calling them on it. I guess the thing I realised most is I've changed - I allowed myself to be angry about stuff I'd been carrying around for years from being mocked and denigrated as a kid to my mother's reaction when I came out (she walked out on me and refused to communicate with me for several months). I was also able to cry and get tearful in front of them and got comforted. I was in touch with my feelings, and how my parents make me feel, in front of them - whereas before I'd carry the hurt away with me and get upset or angry in private and have constant arguments with them in my head. There was conflict as well, with my father, with us both shouting at each other at one point. And instead of backing down and avoiding anger, I let it out and made my point.

I guess the thing my parents gave that weekend wasn't necessarily understanding me. Maybe that will come. But I think I understand them a bit better and finally have a sense of my parents as being essentially good and honest, but not very good parents. And with that understanding comes some forgiveness, and more I hope in time. It also allows me to think of myself as doing pretty well, as I know where I come from, and see myself doing better through the work I'm doing on myself. It allows me to reject more convincingly my mother's negativity and my father's emotional evasiveness and to challenge them on the version of my life and events in it they have in their head.

I also told my brother, who has inherited my father's ability to talk himself away from an issue! But he was really good, and I'm sure we'll talk more about it in the future.

So, my experience of telling my family was positive. I am really tired and emotionally drained. I think in many ways it was harder than coming out, because I'm not so fucking ashamed of myself and apologetic anymore. So the emotions we all had to deal with were harder. But, regardless of my family's response it was a big step forwards for me, and one that had to happen regardless of HIV.

Matt.

[Miss Philicia]

Sounds like a difficult time but you pulled through and assuredly it will become more and more a positive experience over the next several months.  Bravo, and hopefully you'll begin to feel that cross on your shoulders become a bit lighter.

[DanielMark]

Good for you Matt! That couldn't have been easy, but anything worthwhile usually isn't.

Bravo!

Daniel

[SASA39]

An Sisiphus stone off your back !
Congrats !

[racingmind]

Wow, sounds like you learned a lot.  Congrats!  I am not quite as brave yet....one of these days.

[keyite]

It sounds like your decision to disclose was the right one. If nothing else, certainly right in terms of you coming to terms with the diagnosis. It is quite understandably a big shock to relatives but it does sounds like your family will be supportive in the end.

I recognise a lot of your parents in mine. Mine haven't been very good parents either. It took me many years, with all those conversations in my own head and me harbouring an awful lot of bitterness, before I finally realised I had to work towards forgiving them or it would simply eat me up. I did reach that stage a few years ago but unfortunately forgiveness also meant I became far more indifferent about them. What was a pretty strained relationship then also became pretty distant.

I now feel at a crossroad. If I don't disclose then HIV is bound to become yet another barrier between us, very possibly one barrier more than the relationship can bear. If I do disclose then I obviously know I will cause a lot of hurt and that seems cruel at their age (both around 70). I also wonder if it'll be a catalyst for unleashing all of the other stuff we've brushed under the carpet. Sure, it might be good to get it out from under the carpet but it might also be pressure more than the already strained relationship would be able to tolerate. It's also hard not to wonder if they'll be able to offer any kind of constructive and positive support - we live in different countries, after all.

It feels like a minefield and I have been pondering this issue ever since diagnosis. It would certainly make the process of coming out seem an absolute doddle in comparison. I will be visiting my parents next month and your story has given me a lot more food for thought...

[Longislander]

Good for you Matt! Hopefully this will culminate into a much better relationship with your parents. Drained now, but tomorrow you will feel like the world has been lifted off your shoulders, and you can back to the business of Matt, his life, and school.

I wish you the best~

Paul

[camille07]

Matt-

It's the hardest thing I know.  It will be weird for while but time will tell. It took a lot of courage from your part and it still is. 
The paradigm shift came from my mom.  I called her up and said I needed to talk to her seriously.  She thought it was because I wanted to get back with my ex husband (who she adored), but rather experienced a mind bomb. It truly is a day I will never forget.   But a year later, there has been a lot change, good change.   

Did I forget to mention my parents are both pastors.

[bocker3]

Good for you -- I've just done the same with my mother and I know how hard starting that conversation is!  I've always felt that honesty was best with family and friends, but I told myself that HIV was different.  While it may, indeed, be different for some people, at the end of the day, it wasn't for me.  I feel so much better -- and I still need to tell my father, brothers and daughter -- but one step at a time.

So -- another big salute to you -- your post showed someone who knew what he needed to do for both his family AND, more importantly (I think), himself.

Hugs,
Mike

[pozguy75]

You have taken a very brave step. Take it one day at a time and congratulations every time you "come out" it gets easier and easier.


I remember how difficult it was for me to tell my family...today, we are closer than we ever have been...i understand the emotionally unavailable issue...that was my father.

I look forward to hearing more of your success!
-Jeromy

[xyahka]

Congrats for the big achievement!! I am sure slowly your parents will get closer and closer to you ... Sometimes parents are strange... but they love us in their own way...

All the best,

Juan Carlos

[ndrew]

Hi,

It sounds like a lot to go through, but a good thing for you to do.  I am really selfish about telling people.  I will tell my parents when I need to, not before.

I guess I am a jerk, but I don't want to deal with other people's ignorance and drama.

Drew

[BT65]

Good for you Matt.  It's always better for families to communicate than to totally shut down.

[Carolann]

I admire your courage, and hope that your relationship with your parents and family will continue to improve. Are your studies going better now? I hope you will keep on with your career. It seems that you are a very compassionate chap, and that is sorely needed in the medical field, especially when it comes to treating patients in our boat. Once again, congrats and may this disclosure only bring you closer with your loved ones.

CA

[David_CA]

Something must be in the air in terms of disclosing HIV to family (I just read Bocker3's post).  It sounds like your 'discussion' was long over due... not in terms of only HIV, but in just discussing feelings.  The important thing is that you feel better.  Take care.

David

[Dragonette]

Telling the parents is probabaly the hardest thing... and you did it! Very brave of you. It is so emotional, I get all those feelings just reading it.

ps I have come to the conclusion that most parents fuck up to a certain degree. Because they only get the one practice, with us.... They nevertheless raised a son that they should be proud of!

[woodshere]

With the relationship you have described between you and your parents, what a courageous step you took. Not having to hide this "secret" from your parents can only benefit you.

Best to you,
Woods

[manchesteruk]

Well done on telling your parents Matt.  How has it gone in the few days since you told them?  I remember going through the same.  I felt totally drained afterwards as well I don't think I'd ever been so scared in my life I was physically shaking after I'd told them.  The days after I ended up comforting and reassuring them rather than the other way round really!  My overriding memory of telling my parents was the unbelievable feeling of a big weight being lifted from my shoulders.  The truth sets you free as they say.  I suspect they may have already guessed but I have to say I've found the prospect of telling my parents about being bi much much tougher!

[pozattitude]

congrats!
telling our parents is probably one of the hardest things to do.  I am happy that you had your " wake up call about how you've let HIV take over your mind, and drive a wedge between you and your family" after only 18 months.  I hid this from my family for over 7 yrs, and it was terrible because I had always been so close to them.
I am glad you are well and you have you family support, isn't' that great...I am so thankful for having such wonderful parents.

Rich
(who understands the burnden that is lifted when you "come out")

[Central79]

Hey

Thanks for all your kind words and support. The last week has been pretty tough - I feel like I've worked two weeks back to back and more, as last weekend was just one adrenaline charged emotional moment after another. It's nice to have this weekend free of people who are causing me stress at the moment - whether it's my parents, or my bf who has gone to Brighton, and who represents another emotionally charged issue not to far in the future.

I haven't spoken to my parents since last weekend. I gave them three rings when I got back to London and my dad sent me a text message early in the week asking how I was and that he was trying to send me an e-mail (but there's something wrong with his machine), but that we'd talk on the phone Sunday, as we used to every week when I first went to Uni. Surprise, surprise there's nothing from my mum, and she is letting my dad do all the heavy lifting again. I'm not too bothered by that, as I realise now it's not about me - it's just her response to any difficult thing in her life.

I still haven't got the e-mail, but it's not my preferred method of communication anyway - it's his, and that's fine for now so long as it doesn't replace phone calls. This week has been tough - I can't say there haven't been moments where I've felt really very alone. My parents knowing and trying to be supportive hasn't moved the resistance in me to being honest and open about my emotions in front of other people. I realise that this weekend moved things forward a lot, but that it's going to continue to be a long, hard process.

So I'm working over the summer, typing letters in a hospital. I get to go back for another go at my exams in December, and have to go on a special placement in Basildon for the few months running up to that. So I go back on the 3rd September, and hope that I will be in a better place to get these exams. I still feel like it's what I want to do, and have more confidence in sorting out the issues that get in my way now - and there are still plenty of them!

Thanks again for all your support,

Matt x.