Tacitly observed rules

[Strayboy74]

The following is an essay I wrote in college.  I found it on my hard drive and thought some of the AM people may enjoy it.

-joseph

I guess I could have peed my whole life without realizing it: and maybe if I was normal, I would never have noticed at all.  But whether it is a mindless universal action, an unwritten rule of etiquette or my need to create logic out of nothing at all, I am thoroughly convinced that the bathroom behavior of males will remain Sanctuary and without spoken word.

I think the first time I realized such sanctuary was during a night out at the famed "Limelight" nightclub in New York.  With swirling disco lights overhead, the pounding bass and synchopated rhythms of the latest Junior Vasquez mix I began a trek to the bathroom parting my way through the crowds of people who in idle prattle just occupying space; a parting difficult even by the divine standards of Moses.

After waiting in line for an eternity, I noticed that although everyone in the women's bathroom line, considerably longer, had more conversation than those waiting in the Men's line.  Maybe it was the need for relief that prompted the men in line to not speak... could it be that the intimate act of relief is kept between one's self and one's member.  I was surprised at myself.  How could I have been a man urinating my whole life and not have noticed?  I needed more information.  But before I began, I had to do some soul searching.

I began my search for truth with my childhood.  "When I was being potty trained, did I ever talk while sitting on the toilet?"  The telephone silence spoke volumes for my grandmother, who although shocked by the question, is the only living relative who could possibly remember such trivial things of my development. "Why do you ask?" she quizzed.  I could almost hear her remembering the time I called her to find out, for my own developmental purposes, when my father - who who refused to tell me - began to develop pubic hair.  "This isn't like that last time you called to find out that stuff about your dad, is it?" 

After assuring her that it was a quest of a different kind, she told me that my bathroom practices had always been conducted in silence.  After thanking her, I hung up the phone and began to think about my childhood and other possibilities.  Could it be some universal trauma under which all men suffer? 

I could only remember one trauma, which shall be referred to for the rest of my life as the "Toilet Lid Incident".  I was probably four, maybe three, and I could barely reach the toilet to pee standing up. With the toilet lid up, I would stand, tip-toed, at the edge where I would lie my penis on the cold porcelain of the stool to relieve myself.  Suddenly, and without warning, the toilet lid fell from it's full upright and locked position onto the sacrificial porcelain alter on which my small virgin penis lay, unsuspecting.  Not wanting to conjure any more memories of that situation, or the burning salve which my mother had to apply religiously morning and night, I decided that this could not be the reason either, as this doesn't happen to everyone.

Maybe there is someone I could consult.  Maybe one of my peers knows more.  In a non-scientific cross-study, I found that all men acknowledge the existence of no speech in the restroom, but none of them had reasons for why this was so.  Although there was some speculation, after the careful prodding of myself, I found that, again, I was no closer to the truth than when I began.

Suddenly, as if by the help of God, it occurred to me.  Of course!  What was I thinking!  I have been working too close to the situation all along.  In order to place my question in it's proper perspective I should remove myself from the case in study and find out if it's just a men thing or do women do it too?

Penetrating the inner sanctum of the women's lavatory was no easy task.  Donning my most realistic wig, a pair of platform shoes, a vinyl trench-coat, my book bag and full makeup, I entered the restroom.  After dodging several weird looks, I found a suitable stall in the farthest corner of the room.  I quickly opened the door, stepped inside and shut it. 

I removed my coat, dropped my underwear and sat on the toilet, trying to absorb the full female bathroom experience.  It was obvious from the moment I entered, the women's restroom isn't like the men's restroom at all.  There are no sports pages strewn across the floor with suspicious water spots smearing the words into unintelligible script.  It even smelled different.  The wafting perfumes clashed and collided, rendering me into an almost transcendental state.  Nirvana.

Before I lost all of my faculties, I reached into my bag, fumbling with my notebook...  How long must I wait until they begin to speak.... if they begin to speak.

In almost no time, I hit pay dirt.

     Girl #1: "So anyway, I'm like, 'You whore!'  And she's just
                  lying there, and she's not even wearing her underwear."
     Girl #2: "She's naked?"
     Girl #1: "No, she wasn't wearing her underwear.  I don't know
                  whose underwear it was, but it wasn't hers."
     Girl #2: "How could you tell?"
     Girl #1: "Like, how many girls' underwear has a little peep hole in
                  the front for a penis to poke out of?"
     Girl#2: "She had a penis poking out of her panties?"
     Girl #1: "No!  She had a hole for a penis.  She didn't have a
                  penis.  Why would she have a penis?  Duh."
     Girl #2: "Why would she have a hole for a penis if she didn't have a
                  penis? ....Oh..."
     Girl #1: "She didn't have a penis hole!  The underwear had a penis
                  hole!  It wasn't her underwear!  It was some guy's underwear! Like,
                  that's why I was calling her a whore in the first place!"
     Girl #2: "But then, like, whose underwear was the guy wearing?"
     Girl #1: "How the hell should I know!  The guy wasn't there  just
                  his underwear!  I don't know  maybe he was wearing hers."
     Girl #2: "No way.  He couldn't be wearing her underwear if it didn't
                  have a penis hole.  What would he do with his penis?"
     Girl #1: "I don't know.  I mean, do guys need that penis hole?"
                  Like, what's it there for anyway?"
     Girl #2: "I don't know.  Maybe penises  need room to breathe
                 or something?
     Girl #1: "Well, I don't know.  So his penis, like, suffocated or
                  something without it's little hole...  Anyway...  So I'm like, 'You
                  whore!'  And she's just lying there..."

Giddy with excitement at my discovery... that women talk in the bathroom, I became so excited that I dropped my notebook.

Silence.

Damn it!  I messed it all up.  I finally understood what it must be like to be a nature show host, deep within the bowels of Africa studying the double breasted three toed tree sloth, something I had wanted to do ever since I was little.  But I messed it up.  The animals I had been studying were frightened by my presence...  I must be more quiet.

I knew then, that women do hold entire conversations in the bathroom.  Although sometimes not the most intelligent of conversations, they nevertheless have them.  After waiting for a break in the bathroom I quickly exited.

Upon leaving the bathroom and gathering my data, I began to wonder what it would be like, in a bathroom where men spoke for more than utilitarian reasons.  What would the conversations consist of, would they perhaps sound like:

    Guy 1: "So I saw him, huh, huh... when he took off his pants to shower.
               He wasn't even wearing his underwear."
    Guy 2: "You mean he was free-balling?"
    Guy 1: "No, shit-head, he wasn't wearing his underwear, I didn't know
               whose underwear it was, but it wasn't his."
    Guy 2: "How could you tell?"
    Guy 1: "It didn't have a dick hole in the front."

I pondered the scenario a bit longer before I realized, maybe the unwritten rule of not speaking in the men's bathroom isn't such a bad thing after all.

[ACinKC]

LOVE IT.