Author Topic: That Friday feeling (Read 6047 times)

jckent · « **on:** July 15, 2016, 08:02:39 am »

I've been struggling emotionally & mentally since Diagnosis last year.

Very few ups and a great many downs.
Loosing my job due to this, marriage is slowly going down. illness etc....

Lately I've planned the end of my life. I've had enough and I'm tired ( physically and mentally)
Planned when, where , how and even calling the police to collect my corpse so no passer by should see it. yep considerate. ah hmm

Even cuddles from my one year old granddaughter hasn't stopped the feeling.

I'm happy to die and release this feeling.
I know I'm depressed, no, very depressed and why.
We are all programmed for most things in life.
Death of pets & relatives.
Relationship break ups,
Even our own demise
etc
Maybe even most illnesses.
But being diagnosed with HIV has really knocked me. I just don't have the tools to deal with these feelings, they are totally foreign to me.

Today i woke thinking I'm not to give up, i do need to fight, i don't care actually if i die, I'm not afraid to die. I've seen a lot of death ( past work).
but, i don't want to hurt family. so i accept to live in this purgatory - life.

I know that I'm on a knife edge feeling this ( mildly positive ), so thought i will call my doctor. to she her and actually ask for help.

I'm not a great fan of drugs ( yes i take one everyday for my HIV), but maybe it is the way to see the sunny side again.

i got through to the receptionist & explained I'm suicidal , struggling today and would like my GP to call me back if possible.

To which i was told. " She is very busy today. if i can wait until Monday or maybe Tuesday she may try then."

I just thought Ironic. I try to turn a corner but told NO.

" The Friday Feeling"

Ptrk3 · « **Reply #1 on:** July 15, 2016, 08:09:26 am »

If you feel suicidal, please go to the nearest hospital's emergency room. Depression, like HIV, can be successfully treated but untreated, like HIV, can be fatal. Get help today. Don't wait until next week.

Wade · « **Reply #2 on:** July 15, 2016, 08:35:22 am »

Quote from: Ptrk3 on July 15, 2016, 08:09:26 am

If you feel suicidal, please go to the nearest hospital's emergency room. Depression, like HIV, can be successfully treated but untreated, like HIV, can be fatal. Get help today. Don't wait until next week.

Go to the ER now

initforlife · « **Reply #3 on:** July 15, 2016, 09:48:37 am »

Please do as the others have said. go to nearest ER and get help... A lot of us on here have felt this way after dx and trust me I was one. but I'm here to tell you things will get better hiv is not the end . it's been a little over two years since my dx and I thought my life was over. but it's wasn't my dx has lead me on a path that I never thought I would be on now.. You are loved you matter please go get help today .

mecch · « **Reply #4 on:** July 15, 2016, 09:50:43 am »

Quote from: jckent on July 15, 2016, 08:02:39 am

i got through to the receptionist & explained I'm suicidal , struggling today and would like my GP to call me back if possible.

To which i was told. " She is very busy today. if i can wait until Monday or maybe Tuesday she may try then."

I just thought Ironic. I try to turn a corner but told NO.

Yes please go to an ER. Simply explain what you have spoken about here.

You could certainly benefit from some SSRI. That kind of drug really pulled me through a bad stretch. Remember the brain is an organ too and its not a shame when its overloaded and mis-functions and can't perform.

What that office receptionist said is adding insult to injury. I encourage you to put this exchange onto PAPER and to show it to or send it to your GP. Ask for a response from the GP. If you do not get a compassionate apology and appropriate response, you must switch GPs.

Jim Allen · « **Reply #5 on:** July 15, 2016, 12:30:41 pm »

Hi

Its the weekend and you should not be alone with this going on.
Let someone know, and go to A&E at a hospital if you can't see a doctor sooner.
Also tht offer support and can be called on 0808 802 1221

A number of other support options are listed here as well.
http://www.tht.org.uk/myhiv/Staying-healthy/Mental-health/Depression

Take care.

Jim

BT65 · « **Reply #6 on:** July 16, 2016, 06:34:23 am »

Yes go to the ER no if's and's or but's. I totally agree that you need to let your doctor know about the response from the receptionist. That is totally unacceptable.

I have attempted suicide and cannot even tell you the hurt it caused my daughter when she was younger. Plus the damage it does to the body. Dealing with HIV is difficult especially at first but there is much more to it than just your initial feelings. See a counselor and take an antidepressant. I have been on a couple for years and still take one.

Myself, I've been HIV+ for almost 30 years and the first few years were definitely the most difficult. There's many stories in those 30 years but you don't really need to hear that right now. What you do need to hear is get to the ER, get some treatment even if you have to go somewhere for a little while, get a good antidepressant and please see a therapist who is experienced in helping people with HIV. Don't give up, feelings do pass, trust that!

Betty

CaveyUK · « **Reply #7 on:** July 16, 2016, 09:37:30 am »

To simply add my voice to the others.

HIV isn't the problem here. Depression is.

If you haven't already - go straight to your local A&E and get urgent treatment. No If's or But's

Whatever you do, don't wait.

OneTampa · « **Reply #8 on:** July 16, 2016, 10:01:09 am »

Joining the Caring Choir. PLEASE get help now.

At 32 years HIV+ I understand.

Take care.

initforlife · « **Reply #9 on:** July 16, 2016, 12:32:02 pm »

Even though I don't know your name. prayers went up for you last night. I hope you got some help. and I just wanted to let you know we are here for you!

RP61181 · « **Reply #10 on:** July 21, 2016, 09:23:10 pm »

It's sad to say, but I know how you are feeling. I was born positive, and 35 years old. My medications stopped working, my health is declining, and the person I am in love with doesn't want anything to do with me. I was there. I actually wrote a letter to him telling him goodbye and had a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of pain meds in my hand. I tried it, but ended up throwing up. It's not easy, but it will get better (at least that's what I'm told). You need to get help immediately. Get something for your depression, get a therapist to talk to. My attempt was only two days ago, and I am taking antidepressants, but I'm in search of a good therapist. Don't forget that you have people that care about you and you can get out of the darkness.

em · « **Reply #11 on:** July 21, 2016, 10:35:29 pm »

RP61181

I just read some of your posts and am very much in aw you are a true survivor and the world needs people with the strength to over come this kind of adversity

please stick around there is always something in life worth appreciating even sometimes when it is hard to find it can still be found and when it is found hope grows

At least I hope it does. and I hope you all the best in this journey we are living

sorry that this is all I can write I wish I could think of something more uplifting cause your story is very uplifting and should continue to be so for a very long time

all my best to you keep up the good fight and live on

this goes for all of us including me lets not give up.

jckent · « **Reply #12 on:** July 22, 2016, 05:10:05 am »

I would like to say a large thank you for all your kind words.
After writing my post last Friday I phoned my wife and asked her to come home.
I told her everything, about how I'm feeling, my struggles and how I felt it was declining between us.
I even asked my daughter over in the Saturday and told her. Plus seeing my 14 month old granddaughter always brings altitude joy.
Monday my wife and I went to the doctors.
It took a lot to describe how I was feeling etc. She was sympathetic and helpful.
I was prescribed some anti depressant medication. Something I hadn't wanted to do,
But having tried everything to bring myself out of this feeling it is the final option.
It is now day 5 of them.
I feel brighter. I'm not going to stress test myself ( purposely think gloomy thoughts). I'm sure many of you know what I mean.
I will do soon, just to see if they are working. But at present I'm going to go with feeling, hmmmmmm, actually I don't feel as I have any worries at present .
Wednesday night - this morning I couldn't sleep much and had a stinking headache.
Now I don't know if it's the tablets settling in, or the heatwave we've been having.

Anyway it's Friday morning and I only have a slight buzzy head.
I even made a point at coming back to the gym.
I'm sitting here having second breakfast ( at the gym) typing this.I'm tempted to test myself, but resisting it.
I've never taken antidepressant before so wasn't sure what to expect.
But for me even after 5 days, it does feel as though a cloud has lifted.

So I think there is hope for all of us.
Whilst the receptionist at the doctors was unhelpful. It did give me the push to open up fully and know I wasn't alone.
Being a man, I I'm used to keeping the world troubles to myself. Something I had to overcome. I'm sure my troubles are not over, I do know that I'm not alone, and people are there.
So again thank you people, for your kind words and support.

If any of this has rung true for any of you, and you think as I have. just know, there is hope, even a short space of time can change things.

CaveyUK · « **Reply #13 on:** July 22, 2016, 06:20:18 am »

Great news. So pleased you are feeling more normal.

I've always been 'anti' the idea of taking anti-depressants too, but that said, if I ever felt they were absolutely necessary I would go that route, as you have done.

Wade · « **Reply #14 on:** July 22, 2016, 09:10:57 am »

That is good news !
Haha ...second breakfast at the gym good for you !

daisychainz1969 · « **Reply #15 on:** July 22, 2016, 09:34:23 am »

Look how far you have come, dont give up. With our status it can force the darkenss to squezze out all light in our lives but we cannot give up on ourselves. im glad you are staring to fight back keep up the good work!!!!!

initforlife · « **Reply #16 on:** July 22, 2016, 01:13:09 pm »

Glad you are doing better.. I had to go on anti depression meds too after my dx .. it's not the end of the world doing that.. Just a new beginning !

jckent · « **Reply #17 on:** December 06, 2016, 11:48:49 am »

Having given up with stupid depression medication and even worse useless CBT. I have decided i have truly had enough.
A wife that asks how am i doing, and when I tell her ( open up), moans at me for making her feel guilty. bla bra bla.

I have come to the sensible choice of finishing my life early. Now options are hanging myself in a woodland, and calling the police just before i do. I would hate for a civilian walker to find me. The police are trained for such things.

An overdose isn't for m, the wrong people would find me.

Or, I have also just sent of for membership with Dignitas.

http://www.dignitas.ch/?lang=en

This isn't going to be instant. My wife has reminded me that she has supported me for the last few months, financially . I have already given her all my savings towards it.
So am about to look for a new job, to catch up on the debt and then carry out the plan..
I haven't worked for 6 months as i have suffered hard coming to terms with having HIV and my previous employer made my life hell.

This isn't a woe is me topic or a cry for help. i don't need any. My sensible- fully grounded mind is made up.

Im curious if anyone has become a member of Dignitas.

I hope this makes sense?

Please no advise on finding help. Ive made sensible choice and am past that.

Its very much like leaving a job you don't enjoy, or leaving a relationship you've had enough off.
To me i feel life is exactly the same.

Jim Allen · « **Reply #18 on:** December 06, 2016, 12:56:23 pm »

First I hope you know that both myself and this forum will be here for you should you need us as a source of support. My own family has seen its share of suicides including hangings, 1 in a classroom in a London school room and found by the cleaners the next day and another in Richmond park near the pay area found by children and one in front of the kids aged 4-6 in the kitchen. The list goes on 5 suicides in total.

.... anyhow that is not the way to go man! Don't do that to someone else.

I am not going to tell you I understand, but I have been were you are now.
I do not talk about it. Perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed so come here and talk about it . I am also here and you can PM me .

Now will urge you to also tell your doctor about how you are feeling because your HIV meds could also be making the situation worse, in the mean time remember suicide is fatal but you can survive HIV or financial problems .

I will also urge you to at least talk about this as once its done its done so take the time now to talk and not just to us .

Now this is a support forum so don't surprised when people post supportive messages to you here urging you to seek help .

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you?gclid=CMnl5rGR4NACFY-BaQodMZoGew

Any time, from any phone on 116 123.
Around the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Jim

jckent · « **Reply #19 on:** December 06, 2016, 01:15:09 pm »

I will delete this.
I would actually hate to upset anyone, or even worse tempt someone to match my own choice.
we all lead different lives, thus have different paths.

jckent · « **Reply #20 on:** December 06, 2016, 01:16:09 pm »

Ok.

How do i delete it. Doh! $:-\$ $:-\$ $:-\$

Ptrk3 · « **Reply #21 on:** December 06, 2016, 01:56:24 pm »

Go immediately to the nearest hospital in Birmingham, England, presuming that's where you are from, and tell the hospital staff that you have suicidal ideation and need immediate assistance, even if that means admission. Do not do anything rash. Please seek the help you need. It's your depression talking and your mind is not right now, but you can get help if you seek it.

If you need to call your local police, do so. Get help now. Please keep us informed of your situation. This forum is full of people who have been where you now are (I was). Things do get better, but you need to be alive to achieve the serenity and peace of mind that you need to carry on.

CaveyUK · « **Reply #22 on:** December 06, 2016, 03:15:39 pm »

What they said ^^^^^

This plan is absolutely NOT 'sensible' and is not a rational thought-through one made by a stable mind.

You say it isn't a cry for help and you don't want to be told to get help, and yet you posted on a public forum where you know that is exactly the advice you will be given.

This isn't an HIV issue, it is a Depression issue - and that is something you can and absolutely get help for.

Call that number Jim gave or do as Ptrk3 said. It is the only true 'sensible' thing you can do right now.

Seriously....you can get over this hump so don't give up.

paintedroom · « **Reply #23 on:** December 06, 2016, 03:28:03 pm »

As Ptrk3 has so rightly said, it is the depression talking.Depression is not just feeling low or very low,it is a seriously deceptive illness.I am just better after 2 years of it and looking back, it still amazes me the places it took me.You are not a good witness to your own problems while suffering from depression,you may think you are being rational and fully in control of the facts but you are not.You must,as a mature adult,do the smart and mature thing..that means accepting that you are not a good witness and asking for help.I promise you this,that if you ask for help, even a single session can help enormously..you will be surprised by what you have left in reserve.It is the move a mature man will take,it will show you that by asking for help,you have the humility and compassion we all must have for ourselves.Life is an uphill struggle,life with Hiv more so.Come join the brotherhood and sisterhood here,we will help you.. but first its time to ask for help,life still has many more simple charms to offer.
We will be here for you..

mecch · « **Reply #24 on:** December 06, 2016, 04:14:45 pm »

jckent
I am bumping this because you wrote almost exactly the same thing in July, as you just did in a new thread.

From other posts we know you are healthy and have no side effects from HIV medicine.

However, mental health needs attention and treatment, too!

You mentioned zoloft. SSRI - antidepressants, can in rare cases - CAUSE suicide ideation.

You need some mental health attention NOW. Maybe its a combination of the zoloft, the hard time you had with diagnosis, and your natural mindset.

Doesn't have to be so dark. Get a shrink to figure something out for you.

mecch · « **Reply #25 on:** December 06, 2016, 04:18:05 pm »

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=63558.0

You wrote in a similar state of mind last summer.

Please go see a mental health doctor. Maybe its the zoloft.

Jim Allen · « **Reply #26 on:** December 06, 2016, 06:01:12 pm »

I've merged the two threads, as Mecch pointed out they had the same theme.

I hope that you do engage with support on this, many of us have been at the same point you are now and with help and support found a way forward. Its not easy but know that you are not alone.

In the meantime its worth repeating that you should let someone know, if needed go to A&E but don't be alone.

A number of other support options are listed here as well.
http://www.tht.org.uk/myhiv/Staying-healthy/Mental-health/Depression

Jim

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Author Topic: That Friday feeling (Read 6047 times)