devastated, hopeless & alone

[CancerFreeButNowHIV]

The nurse called my name and said the Dr. will see you now... I started to follow her back to the room, when she abruptly stopped and pointed to a small room with only a desk and 3 chairs and asked me to wait here. My heart sank... I sat down, and found it hard to breath, I began shaking. The Dr. was taking to long, I got up and opened the door and told the nurse "I'm sorry I don't have time to wait, I will reschedule." She asked me to wait just a moment, she will get the Dr. to come in immediately. I saw her speaking to the Dr. and they both looked my way. I noticed the Dr. had a paper in her hand as she came down the hall towards me.

I stepped back into the room, she asked me to sit down so we could talk for a minute. I sat back down and I said I'm sorry, I don't have time to talk, I will come back at a later date. Then I heard "Your results are HIV positive."

I stood up again and said I must go... she tried to stop me by blocking the door. I yelled let me out, I have to go... I was shaking uncontrollably. Next thing I knew I had run out of the office to the elevator.... It would not open, I turned searching for the stairs... finally I was outside and there was air.

I don't remember getting back to the house.

How can this be? I am a 5 year cancer survivor and now HIV...

I've only been home a few weeks, I've been in Thailand for almost 3 years. I went there to heal and find peace within from the horrible cancer inside me.

I have lost all hope, I can not tell anyone. I am alone, ashamed, angry and I don't want to live with this. I'm tired of fighting...

[absopozilutely]

This one rings home for me a bit so I'm glad to reply. You don't deserve this, it's not fair, hell it even makes me mad. But I will tell you, this isn't like cancer, this isn't like chemo, radiation, etc. you will be ok with this. 1 pill once a day, it's easy peasy and will compared to cancer this will be like a walk in the park. You will be ok, give yourself a day or two to process, then read some more from people on here, understand that there's people on here who have been in your exact situation, have had your same emotions and their still standing you will too. I pray you find the will to keep fighting, you can do this. The nice part is that you can have some time to process this. You will be ok.

[CancerFreeButNowHIV]

The fear and guilt is the only thing keeping me here... fear of how it will effect my 2 new grand-babies. My daughter will for sure keep them from me. They are one of the reasons I came home, also in hopes to rekindle a nine year relationship that has been on and off for the past 5 years (due to my cancer diagnosis) I broke it off and did not purse it.... then while in Thailand for 3 years we became close.... as I heald and came to gribs with it.... now home we are distant. I am confused. Then to add this HIV Shit on top of it is to much for even me to handle!!!!! I can't live with this!

[Irish Eyes]

Fortunately you are not obliged to disclose your status to anyone.
Last Dec. I went to doc due to self-diagnosed overactive thyroid.
I have a large close family and operate a family business and are in constant daily contact.
Absolutely nobody is aware of my status.
I go to get blood draws apparently due to my overactive thyroid.
Nothing in my daily routine or mindset has been affected since dx.
Life goes on, pop a pill each day and visit the doc now and again.
Take care.

[mecch]

Medical science takes HIV pretty much in stride. There is no health-based reason for the diagnosis to = hopelessness.

Being HIV+ does not automatically make you isolated. You can keep your diagnosis to yourself, or share it with some people. Get support. Its up to you.

Its a pity you think your children will shun you and cut off contact with grandchildren.
In this day and age, I would think most people can come around to their senses, about such nonsense, but of course Im not saying stigma doesn't exist.  You don't have to tell them.  And if you do, and they shun, well that will have to be dealt with...

Lots of people feel shame when they get a diagnosis.  Then usually there comes a click and the shame is gone.  Its just a stupid virus.

I personally don't believe in this fair/not fair way of looking at things.  I don't think it helps -- only delays the arrival of the click that makes life normal again.

[Jeff G]

Welcome to the Forums . I hope you can find the strength and support here so that you can go back to your medical provider ASAP . You didn't mention if your test had been confirmed with a western blot ? . I know you are in shock and hurting so I am happy you found us .   

[tryingtostay]

You are not alone.  There is hope though.  Alot of fascinating research is being done and moving forward aside from the great medication they have now-a-days.  It will only get better.  Believe

[CancerFreeButNowHIV]

 Got my test results today... CD4 400 VL 8000 Doc said he believes I was infected about 2 years ago, May or June 2012. I was in Thailand and had started a relationship with another Teacher, he is from Africa. We used condoms, but I can't honestly say it was 100% of the time. I went to Thailand to regroup, heal and find self love again after my double mastectomy. Looking back and finding posts about my journey in Thailand, I found a period of time in July through August that I was VERY sick. Numerous visits to the clinic and hospital, TONS of antibiotics and 8 penicillin injections in a 10 day period. The doctors were puzzled and could not figure out why I was not responding to the meds... eventually I was feeling better and I chalked it all up to being in a foreign country that has very poor sanitation, our school didn't even have running water and the kids were all sick all the time too...

I haven't talked to my former boyfriend in over a year, now knowing he is most likely how I was infected. I need to try to contact him and tell him, but I don't know what to say or how to tell him... I am so scared. I had been a regular blood donor and was definitely negative when I went to Thailand. The only 2 options for infection would be from him or from a tattoo I got around the same time in June 2012. But the likely hood of it being from the tattoo is very remote.

I can't seem to get my emotions in check... I cry uncontrollably, I am so angry, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I feel hopeless, and very alone. I think that is what scares me most... being alone for the rest of my life because I can't imagine having to tell someone that I am HIV+

I've only been home a few weeks and I am desperately searching for a new job... but I find myself distracted during interviews... what if they find out? Who would hire or keep a HIV Teacher? My mind is going a million miles a min, I am exhausted but can't sleep. I am scared to shave my legs, I went and bought extra soft toothbrushes for fear of brushing my teeth to hard and causing my gums to bleed. If I have an itch I think about this virus running through my body... I KNOW THIS IS ALL SILLY, BUT IT IS ALL CONSUMING AND I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

I've looked for support groups for straight HIV+ women in my area, but can not find anything... I asked my church what type of health support groups do they offer, nothing. I have no one to relate to and  all the info seems to only be geared for gay men... 

I don't know what to do, where to go, or how to deal with all this... If I don't get a job ASAP then what? How will I get the meds I need?

I am overwhelmed, lost and alone.

[JosephP]

"I can't seem to get my emotions in check... I cry uncontrollably, I am so angry, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I feel hopeless, and very alone. I think that is what scares me most... being alone for the rest of my life because I can't imagine having to tell someone that I am HIV+"

Dear Devastated... It will get better!!! A year ago I was dxd and, believe me, I fainted when I was told!!! The next few weeks were nothing but a blur, I went thru the motions but I was numb...Numb...Numb...Eventually I have began to emerge from it but still besides my doctors, no one knows!How did I get infected? It is immaterial now, the fact is that I am and I have to deal with it...So far I have and although life is not the same, I am coping... I wasn't, nor am I, angry. Whose fault is it? I doesn't matter at this point...
Hang on...Latch onto something (me it has been prayer and this forum!) It will get, at least, bearable!