I need help he's pushing me away.

[AMWLIFE]

Hello everyone.  This will be a long post, but would really appreciate insight by those who are HIV+ and can offer personal insight.  I need help in my relationship … here's a little background.  Names have been changed.

I am HIV- and a gay male, 27 years old.  Back in January, I got a message from a boy on Grindr; we will call him Stephen.  Stephen was incredibly attractive, sweet, sincere.  We went on a date a few nights later and hit it off.  Incredibly genuine, very into me, good person.  He would send incredibly sweet text messages and just made me feel good. 

About two weeks after meeting, I went out of the country for a week on vacation.  I returned, we went on a few dates, and we fooled around a bit (no sex, as I said we needed to be tested before we did so), and then he went out of the country as well for a week.  He made plans for us to go out of town together a few weekends down the road and it was there that I felt we would have the official declaration of a relationship.

When he returned to the USA, he learned that he was HIV+.  He told me the same day.  I went over straight away and we spent a hour or two just talking.  He wanted to cancel going out of town that weekend with me.  The next day, he went to a job interview and called me crying about the diagnosis.  He did however agree we should go out of town, and we did.  We had an amazing time, all things considered.  He did declare how he never wanted to hurt me, literally cried in my arms, it was heartbreaking.

Stephen believes he contracted the disease from his ex; Stephen was negative before dating his ex, and positive after dating and not having slept with anybody else.  No reason not to believe him.

He did see on my phone that I had Grindr still, although I had not been seeing anybody else.  He didn't mention it at the time.  When we returned back home, I sent him a text message that I was deleting my apps and I wanted to be exclusive with him.  He replied saying that he's very grateful at my support, but he can only have me as a friend in this.  I said that was nonsense, that I was going to be with him through this and I'm not going to let this diagnosis interfere with the great thing we have going.

I began writing a journal documenting our dates, how we met, my feelings for him, etc. to present as a one-year anniversary gift at this time, but I didn't tell him about it.

We went on more dates and I accompanied him to his first clinic appointment.  I sat in while he spoke with his caseworker, met his nurse, discussed Truvada, etc.  I created a picture frame with pictures of us and gave it to him as a gift; I would constantly kiss him, touch him, do everything I could to make him feel wanted/desired.  In mid-March we drove to Florida to visit a friend of his, and this is where things started really going south.

In my profession, there is a group on Facebook for gay males in that profession as a networking tool.  I have made friends on there, many of which I haven't met.  I suggested to Stephen that maybe we could meet one of them while we were there for lunch.  That didn't go over well, but no big deal.  We ended up having a big fight over typical relationship stuff the next day …. and I learned from Stephen that he had seen Grindr while we were on vacation back in February post-diagnosis and that he didn't like the idea of meeting this friend from Facebook.  He specifically cited that "look what happened last time I trusted someone," and that he's concerned with not getting hurt.

We made up, so I thought, and subsequently had sex for the first time.  Naturally, the condom ended up breaking (I was top) … Stephen said the look on my face when I realized it was terrified.  We played it cool, I wasn't in long and there was no sign of blood, etc.  We had a good rest of the day that day.  We left the next day and drove back as Stephen was getting sick.

Upon our return, I was doing my best to take care of him.  He had a roommate move out of his house and he needed the room cleaned to show to another potential roommate, so I came and did that for him, got him medicine, got him out of jury duty that week, brought him chicken noodle soup, lunch, etc …. just doing everything I could to be a good, validating boyfriend … wanting him to feel wanted.

I began feeling like he was pulling away more and more though … and when I confronted him about it, he got very aggressive …. he began saying that he knows that I changed the passcode on my phone, that I text all these "guys" all the time, that I'm going to see my "friends" all over the world (I'm going on a pre-planned trip to Europe next week for 2.5 weeks, and seeing some people that I did meet in that group), and that he knows what it all really means.  He got very confrontational and believed that I am talking to other guys, etc.

We didn't talk for two days and then I reached back out to him … he said he needed to clear some thoughts out of his head.  The next day he texted me and said "I made a decision and I think it's best we go our own way."  We haven't spoken since.

I've made this a very condensed version of what's going on, but I don't know what to do.  I'm heartbroken.  I went to the clinic yesterday where he's a patient and got prescribed Truvada as I already had the appointment made … they asked about us and I told them what was going on.  They are all of the belief that he is pushing me away and building up walls …. and that the phone thing is an out for him. 

I don't know what to do.  He said that I was the best thing he had going for him before the diagnosis and would say the sweetest things …. even just a few weeks ago he texted me randomly that I meant the world to him.  Now, he has shut me out.  Do I give it a few weeks?  I don't know what to do.  I think he's absolutely beautiful inside and out, but I feel hopeless.

I'm happy to answer any clarifying questions.  Any help is appreciated.

[AMWLIFE]

Additional I didn't think to add ... He has virtually no support network. He has one friend here that knows but otherwise nobody else. I genuinely feel like I was the most important and closest person to him .... Hell, he even listed me as his emergency contact 😔

[zach]

i don't want you feel like you're being ignored... twice last night i started to respond, but not entirely sure i'm the best one to listen to.

no easy answer here, only opinions.

it may be, that in the short term, he needs time. tell him you're there for him, give him the space and room he needs, but be there if/when he needs.

i'm not sure that's the best advice though. the fact is, you two are still very new in a relationship.

edited to add.. what i mean by that, right now may not be a good time for him to enter into a relationship.

[mecch]

It's 2015. From a distance I would say you are too wrapped up in HIV being a drama.

Also, why was it necessary to for YOU to tell someone you are dating that you have to have HIV tests before having some sex? There are SSR.  Im 50 - we had sex for decades following safe sex rules, with pick ups, bf material, etc., without some big drama about having to have some HIV test first.  Is this your MO? Every person you have sex with must go for mutual HIV tests beforehand? I find this a bit odd, but OK.

And why were you going to his doctor's appointments with him? You should back away from so much intimate involvement with someone's health. In my opinion.

Is he sick because of HIV. Or does he have the flu.  Weird that you sort of avoid this.

By his recent actions and words, its possible that he's just not that into you.

My take is you should learn to put HIV in perspective, and if you can't, you probably shouldn't date HIV+ guys. Some people aren't cut out for it.

That sounds a bit cruel or cold but it's just a feeling I get, reading between the lines.
 

[Joe K]

AMWLIFE,

I have received your moderator report asking that I delete your thread.  According to our TOS, we do not delete any posts/threads, unless they are found to be in violation of the TOS.  If you do not wish your thread to receive any more responses, stop responding and the thread will simply become inactive.

Joe