Okay, this is going to be a long drawn out post, so please try to bear with me and ask me for any clarification on any issues.
I just found out that I was HIV+ last Monday, not this one that just passed but the one before that. I am absolutely devestated. Not only did I find out that I am HIV+, but also that I have progressed to "AIDS". My CD4 count was 68, and my Viral Load was 93,000. I know for a fact the longest I could have been infected was 2 years and maybe a few months. I tested negative in December of 2004, February of 2005, and March of 2005, and I also gave blood in April of 2005. So I had to have contracted it sometime between December of 2004 and June of 2007. How did I progress to "AIDS" so quickly? I know that I naturally had CD4 cells hovering around 400, because my one physician used to monitor all of those things on me as if though I was already positive. Over the course of an entire year, before I was positive I had CD4 cells in the 400-425 range and he said that that was perfectly normal for some people. Anywho, so fast forward to June 2007. I haven't been sexually active in almost 2 years, hence not getting an HIV test for so long. The only reason I got it was because I have felt extremely fatigued for about 4 months now, and there was no other reasonable explanation for my fatigue. My doctor has been extremely sympathetic and understanding and I thank him so much for all that he has done, but it's still not enough. I feel like I am having a constant panick attack. I feel restless inside, compelled to move, with a constant sense of impending doom. That's the worst part, I feel like all of a sudden something terrible is going to fall out of the sky. I just don't know what to do. My boyfriend has dumped me, because he believed me to be unfaithful, even though we weren't having sex together and I hadn't had sex with anyone in a few years. He says even if I was being faithful that he is still afraid of me, and doesn't know if he could ever touch me again. He told me some sob story about how 3 people he has known have told him recently about being infected, and I am not quite sure what he was trying to prove by saying that to me. Probably trying to make me agree that we shouldn't be together since he would be at risk too (except for the fact that we weren't having sex together.... DUH!!!!). But anywho, so on top of finding out that I am HIV+ and also progressed to AIDS I get dumped by someone during the most vulnerable time of my life. My doctor's seem to think the prognosis is really good for me, for some reason or another. I am not as enthusiastic as they are. I hate to say this, because they'll seem like bad doctors when they're actually really good ones, but my doctor actually didn't even think HAART was entirely necessary at this point in time. He definetly wanted me on prophylaxis, but seemed otherwise not concerned with what is going on. He said for someone who has a CD4 count of 68 that I am remarkably healthy, possibly even healthier then other patients he has who are not HIV+. I opted for HAART though anyway, just incase. I am really hoping that it does something for this fatigue, because it is gawdaweful. Since about February I have been so sleepy during the day. Anywho, sorry I get off topic, so I am feeling extremely suicidal. This is not the first, or the last time I attempt suicide in my life. I recently got out of a psychiatric hospitalisation because of being suicidal, in which I had a very real plan to commit suicide. I don't know what to do. I really feel like suicide is the only way out of this. I have too much on my plate to deal with. I know the whole "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" shabang and I really don't want to hear it. Everyone thought that putting me in a mental institution was going to help, and it didn't. Just as I said it wouldn't. The problem the entire time I was there is that I am so restless and in a constant state of panic, and locking me in a confined space does not help that AT ALL. Not even a teeny tiny bit. I felt like I had a motor attached to me, and was about to go over the side of a building for about 4 days. It was aweful. I feel miserable. I am trying to have a positive outlook on life, and try to make this a positive thing, but its hard. Its hard when your boyfriend dumps you cause he thinks you're a freak now. I am afraid I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Or I will be doomed to finding men in the DC club scene, and never have a relationship with any substance.
Sorry for the rant, be back later.
Jamie
Matty the Damned:
Anywho, sorry I get off topic, so I am feeling extremely suicidal. This is not the first, or the last time I attempt suicide in my life. I recently got out of a psychiatric hospitalisation because of being suicidal, in which I had a very real plan to commit suicide. I don't know what to do. I really feel like suicide is the only way out of this. I have too much on my plate to deal with. I know the whole "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" shabang and I really don't want to hear it. Everyone thought that putting me in a mental institution was going to help, and it didn't. Just as I said it wouldn't. The problem the entire time I was there is that I am so restless and in a constant state of panic, and locking me in a confined space does not help that AT ALL. Not even a teeny tiny bit. I felt like I had a motor attached to me, and was about to go over the side of a building for about 4 days. It was aweful.
Hey Jamie,
Matty the Damned is hearing you babe. It's clear you're carrying an awfully heavy burden, and whilst I respect your feelings about suicide, I'm guessing that your mind is far from made up. It's pretty clear that you wanna talk.
Which is good. Talking is something we're pretty good at around here. :)
And therein lies a kernel of hope. The fact that you're still reaching out for help means that this party is far from over.
I'm not going to chuck a whole lot of platitudes on you at this point. I'm just posting to welcome you to our Forums and to say we're here to listen.
Fondly,
MtD
Ann:
Jamie,
If you are seriously contemplating suicide, please take yourself to the nearest hospital emergency room and let them know how you're feeling.
Normally, when a patient is discharged from a mental health facility, they are given follow-up appointments with a counselor or therapist. If you haven't been attending these appointments, then maybe you could reconsider. If the therapist you were assigned to isn't someone you feel comfortable with, you do have the right to ask for someone different.
Life with hiv isn't a bed of roses, but it is possible to have a good quality of life and it is also possible to have intimate long term relationships. I'm in one myself and so are many other members here. I'm also content with my life, despite being hiv positive for over ten years.
Hang in there Jamie, it does get better.
Ann
anniebc:
Hi Jamie
Welcome, I'm glad you found your way to us, you will find a lot of support from the guys here..they really are a great bunch.
If the views you have expressed here about your future have seriously got you thinking about suicide then please you really have to talk to someone, and keep talking until someone gets it and understands how you are feeling.
You have already taken a huge step by coming here and talking about it, as Matty said, if you are reaching out then it not over..even though it may not sound like it right now, the future has a lot to offer, but you need to stay around and be ready to grab hold of all the good things that will eventually come your way.
Call in tomorrow and let us know how your day/night went.
I live in New Zealand so I have no idea what time difference we have between us...but I will be looking out for you as soon as I log on tomorrow.
Please take care until then
Hugs Jan :-*
Andy Velez:
Jamie, as others have already said well, you're dealing with some tough stuff.
You know that. The thing about some of the darker feelings you have expressed is that even though they (really!) won't last forever, when you are having them they are so intense that it seems as if nothing will ever get better. But the truth is emotions that seem forever change all the time. Including the happier ones. That's just how we're wired and how life goes.
Ann has it right. If you're considering acting on your suicidal impulses, (and it may or may not matter to you but those thoughts are ones which you share with many others here), then you need to get to your nearest emergency room and tell them what's up. Right now!
If you are able to control your impulses then I suggest you seek out a therapist to get support with dealing with the issues and challenges you are talking about. I'm a big believer in the value of putting thoughts and feelings into words. It's not a magical cure, but then you I suggest solid and real support and talking work, not magic, is an effective tool.
I'm also concerned about what you have said about your doctors. One of the most essential tools for dealing with HIV effectively is to have a good working alliance with your doctor. If you feel you can't have that with your current doctor then I suggest that you be looking around to find someone you feel good about and whom you feel is really listening when you have something to say or to ask.
Or am I making a new problem for you by bringing that up?
In the final analysis I don't see there's anything anyone can do to prevent suicide if someone is determined about it. What I do know for sure is there is support here and elsewhere if you will seek it out. That requires your making an effort to getting through this difficult time.
Some of what you described such as the situation with your boyfriend implies there were issues going on before HIV came into the picture. Again, a professional maybe helpful in sorting some of that out. That "sorting out" will require some work on your part. Which may not be what you want to hear at this moment. I do agree with you that what he said about others in his life being newly infected is some kind of cop out that I'm not buying either.
Granted, I come from the prejudiced viewpoint that at its best life is way too short and I am committed to staying around in this mess as long as possible.
Keep us posted on how things are going. And let me know if what I have said is dumb and not helpful.