How to answer the "How" questions if they may not have an answer?

[mr redd]

My boyfriend and best friend of 2 years tested positive for HIV two weeks ago. Immediately we both thought it had come from me. I used to work in the adult film business and although I had been tested a few times while we dated I also used to use some pretty heavy drugs and I guess I just seemed the obvious source.

Anyway. Since then I've been tested three times, once by swab and twice by the county and all have come back negative. We haven't had sex for about a month because he was out of town so we're pretty sure I'm clean. It's made things hard, harder than when we thought we knew what had happened. I'm the older one, he was a virgin when I met him but I don't feel like I can relate to what he's going through. He recently admitted to cheating once, only oral. I trusted him a ton before this all happened and I still do somewhat but it's hard for me to believe the only other guy he's ever done anything with gave him HIV through oral.

I guess my reason for delving into this forums collective wisdom is to ask how you get past not being able to answer these questions? I mean, maybe he did cheat more but it doesn't seem like it. Maybe he did get HIV through oral although I've been told it's almost impossible. If we can't answer these questions and start to build our trust up again, is there any chance we can move past this? Does it end up mattering where it came from?

[Ptrk3]

I'm sorry that your best friend and boyfriend has tested positive for HIV antibodies and wish him the best of medical treatment and a long and healthy life.

It's good that so far you have tested negative for HIV antibodies, but current testing guidelines recommend testing at six weeks after exposure and then 13 weeks after exposure for confirmation, so you may wish to consider further time-appropriate testing for assurance of your own status.

As for your other questions, those related to how your boyfriend was infected by the HIV, the science speaks for itself:  oral sex is an extremely unlikely mode of contraction.

"Trust" is another matter, and the answer to those questions can be made only by you and your boyfriend.  If you can work through those questions, then, yes, you can build your trust up again and continue in a worthy and rewarding relationship and it does not matter how the HIV infection occurred. 

Presuming that you are HIV negative and you do wish to continue your relationship with your boyfriend, you should consider abandoning the term "clean" in reference to your own status since, by inference, that means you consider your boyfriend as
"dirty," which hardly provides the support he needs at this difficult time of his life.

[Jim Allen]

Hi

To be honest if you get stuck on the "who, when, how" the relationship will be under strain and this doubt will eat away at the relationship. You may never have an accurate answer to this and so my advise is if you want the relationship to work let it go.

Instead focus on the real problems that lead to the cheating, or issues in the relationship perhaps talk to a couples therapist if needed to work through it.

All the best.

Jim