My feelings the only way I can express them

[thewriteheart]

The Reaper beckons unto me with such feverish insistence that I take his hand and allow him to guide me to his quarters. Oh, how I ache in my decision as to whether or not I should go along with this dark escort. I suppose I always assumed that the decision would prove much easier.
I fear now more than ever that some sort of madness has settled its foul seed at the base of my brain. The blooming of psychosis surely must be more torturous than the madness itself. The progression towards diminished sanity has been insidiously slow, like a serpent's sickening slither around my spine, and upwards to my fragile mind. Soon it will have its prey clutched within its fangs, injecting me mercilessly with its toxin.
Each night I go to bed with the mind and manners of one man, and awaken the next morning with those of another. Frequently the differences are quite subtle, but I can sense them nonetheless.
What demon toys with me? What wicked act of puppetry has my soul been drawn into?
I dare say there exist no infection of the body that could ever be nearly as destructive or as venomous as an infection of the mind.
How tragic to think now that I so senselessly must suffer with both.
Glimmers of freedom from this inner-chaos dance round my head like magical fairies, whispering unto me promises of paradise. However, it seems they do not offer their graces so easily.
I haven't a penny to pay for my freedom from this lonely purgatory, and I decided long ago that my soul is a part of no bargain I am willing to make.
Indeed, I fear my soul may already belong to the will of someone, or something else. Whatever that is, I am quite certain it does not make deals in fairness or balance...

[Ptrk3]

"Journaling" is a good way to keep in touch with your feelings during an emotional crisis.  Keep doing this, in addition to cognitive and pharmaceutical therapy, and things will get better for you.

"Journal," too, on some of the positives in your life; i.e., things that you are grateful for (your dog, the fact that great retrovirals exist today, etc.).

Practice "mindfulness," keeping your thoughts in the present and not worrying about the past or future. 

Techniques like "journaling," being "grateful," and "mindfulness" are important tools that will improve your mental health and effectively combat depression.

[paintedroom]

I want to throw something at this and it`s complex.It will not be clear by it`s end.

I was dx`d two and a bit months ago and i have aids.It was a very bad time..but it was not as bad as the two years that preceded it.
Two years ago for no apparent reason i started twitching lightly.It became a regular if passing thing.It was an early subconscious symptom of the depression/anxiety i was about to experience.It was a total hell.I was almost catatonic,i could not make myself disappear.The pain was  so great the only choice was to make myself disappear.The causes of this depression related to an extremely complex family matter which completely destroyed 30 years of my life.I spent 30 years of my life crashing around destroying everything that i touched - relationships,jobs and friendships.I travelled a lot.I was displaced a lot.But i continued forward, maintained by youth and rationalisation. but i did not know why all this was happening.
Two years ago i discovered the reasons why my life was so destructive to those around me and of course me.It was under my nose all that time but i hadn`t seen it.I was living in a different world.I could see the arc of my story and the utter waste of 30 years.The solution to this problem was simple for those that could have done something about it.It had been done for my siblings but for some reason i had been left to rot.It was compounded by the fact that i have habits of mind that are not conducive to learning certain things.I ended up a total mess -shaking uncontrollably and sitting across from a psychiatrist.I thought i was going insane or that at least it was solipsism.It turns out, according to them i`m gifted.I don`t feel gifted and gifted is not a good thing in this context.
    30 years of preventable chaos and wreckage has me now living a schizophrenic life with my family.I love them but 30 years of betrayal means all is deeply tainted..not just the now and the future but all those formerly held precious memories too.So it is all a disaster and i had just got to my feet and was off the anti-depressants after 2 years and then.. aids.
I have a lot of feeling for your situation.Of course i cannot capture it but i ask you to make an effort,to be braver than you have ever been,to think of other members here who have been to hell and back..and are still here with warmth and encouragement.I hate to lapse into cliche but you can do it..quietly,steadily and you will find you surprise yourself.

There is plenty to live for.There is a charm to every age..and for you,there is much to write.

Onward..

[mecch]

I dare say there exist no infection of the body that could ever be nearly as destructive or as venomous as an infection of the mind.
How tragic to think now that I so senselessly must suffer with both.

I suppose you are referring to your deep depression and your HIV diagnosis - so mental illness and physical illness.

As some of us have taken pains to discuss in your other thread, you do not need to "senselessly suffer" from HIV sickness and death. Go to an AIDS or HIV Organisation or any social worker and figure out your access to medical care and drugs to treat HIV.
When that is in place, one takes the medicine 1x a day usually.  Some are 2x a day (insentress for example).  Many people have very few side effects if any, nowadays.
The combinations recommended by your doctor will FIGHT the HIV infection and soon enough permanently shut it down into being undetectable.  You will not have to "senselessly" suffer the HIV infection.

[Tonny2]

The Reaper beckons unto me with such feverish insistence that I take his hand and allow him to guide me to his quarters. Oh, how I ache in my decision as to whether or not I should go along with this dark escort. I suppose I always assumed that the decision would prove much easier.
I fear now more than ever that some sort of madness has settled its foul seed at the base of my brain. The blooming of psychosis surely must be more torturous than the madness itself. The progression towards diminished sanity has been insidiously slow, like a serpent's sickening slither around my spine, and upwards to my fragile mind. Soon it will have its prey clutched within its fangs, injecting me mercilessly with its toxin.
Each night I go to bed with the mind and manners of one man, and awaken the next morning with those of another. Frequently the differences are quite subtle, but I can sense them nonetheless.
What demon toys with me? What wicked act of puppetry has my soul been drawn into?
I dare say there exist no infection of the body that could ever be nearly as destructive or as venomous as an infection of the mind.
How tragic to think now that I so senselessly must suffer with both.
Glimmers of freedom from this inner-chaos dance round my head like magical fairies, whispering unto me promises of paradise. However, it seems they do not offer their graces so easily.
I haven't a penny to pay for my freedom from this lonely purgatory, and I decided long ago that my soul is a part of no bargain I am willing to make.
Indeed, I fear my soul may already belong to the will of someone, or something else. Whatever that is, I am quite certain it does not make deals in fairness or balance...

         OJO       HELLO AGAIN

 "I dare say there exist no infection of the body that could ever be nearly as destructive or as venomous as an infection of the mind."...MY FRIEND, I THINK YOU SHOULD START HIV TREATMENT A SOON AS POSSIBLE, SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS (DEPRESSION)...IF YOU WERE NOT TO GET TREATMENT YOU MIGHT EVEN GET TOXOPLASMOSIS, THEN, YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR MIND, IT WILL BE GONE FOR SURE...LOOK FOR AN ASO (AIDS SERVICES ORGANIZATION)IN YOUR AREA, SEEK HELP, TREAT YOUR HIV AND THEN, TREAT YOUR DEPRESSION SEEING A PSYCHIASTRIST, TO FIND THE ROOTS OF YOUR DEPRESSION, I'M NOT SURE WHO GAVE YOU THE ANTIDEPRESSANT YOU MENTIONED BEFORE, ONLY PSYCHIASTIST CAN GIVE YOU THE RIGHT MED...WISHING YOU THE BEST...HUGS                              OJO

PS, NO A DOCTOR, JUST SHARING EXPERIENCIES               

[CaveyUK]

Take it we are the fairies floating around you whispering about paradise...well I'm not sure anyone will promise that, but the ARV treatment will nail the HIV virus but you'll have to figure out the snakes around your spine and fangs in your brain and stuff separately I'm afraid. Am sure there are pills to help with that too.

As for making deals with the devil? I think the only deal you need to strike is with your insurance provider and doctor to get you back to normal.

You will be fine, from an HIV perspective. Seriously.

I do like the style of writing though, if I were you I would keep these thoughts and ultimately you could publish them as a collection showing the despair and leading to hope...