Hopeless and Depressed

[newbieguy]

  I am going through a really dark time right now. My life is just in tatters. I am 29 years old and I just spent four years of my life going to a technical college where I earned a Bachelor's degree but I cannot find work now. I have only had 3 interviews since June, and none of them panned out. Now I am in huge student loan debt and I cant find a job anywhere. I want to work more than anything, and have a normal life, but I just dont know where to start I have tried everything. I dont have any work experience much. I would love to try doing makeup or cosmetology work someday, but if I did my family would completely disown me and since I am broke right now, I cant do that. My life is just pathetic. I have never really worked much my whole life, as I have had a very bizarre co-dependent relationship with my elderly mother who I now live with and take care of. I never built up my confidence because I never felt worthy enough to get a job, and my weird relationship with my mother was always there to bail me out. I know, its so pathetic right. I love her, but she does not and never would accept my sexuality let alone if she knew my HIV status. Because I grew up feeling so excluded by my family, I did many things I now regret like using drugs, and sleeping around. I used to cut myself because I hate the way I looked so much. I was told I am too skinny, too feminine. I tried so hard and I finally put a little weight on but its just not enough I don't think Im attractive to anyone. I just started to shut people out of my life.  I don't regret having HIV, whats done is done, I cant change that. I just dont like myself at all. I don't have a cent to my name, even after the all the hard work I put in earning my degree I don't have anything to show for it. I know what my strengths are I just can't find anywhere to use them. Sometimes I think about cutting myself again. I don't have any friends and noone really cares about me, so whats the point? Im not attractive and I don't have any money and I drive an 11 year old car because I can't find a job. To top all of that off, I fell a few days ago on a wet patch of road and knocked my front teeth out so now I have to wait several weeks for my gums to heal so I can get crowns put in, so I am stuck hiding at home so noone will have to see me in public. My mother says I will never amount to anything and I think she is right. And my one family member that has always been there for me no matter what is now in the hospital dying and so I cant talk to her. I just want to find a job and to become independent for once in my life and not have my past mistakes define me. I want my own place and to move out of this hellhole with my mother. I want to have friends but I dont feel confident in anyone liking me. I just don't know where to turn or who to talk to so I figured I would post on here, since I remembered there was a forum for mental health/depression. Its just hopeless. I guess my sad story is pretty pathetic huh 

[Buckmark]

Newbie,

I am glad you posted here.  It sounds like you are really going through a difficult time.  When I read what you've written below, I see someone who recognizes many of the problems in their life, and the things they would like to change.  What you seem stuck on is how to change them.  From what I've seen, you are actually much further along than many people.  I don't know if you have ever seen a therapist or a counselor, but in my experience they can you sort through this so you can find the right way to proceed.  You could start by just printing out what you have posted, and taking it to them.

That said, it sounds like you have some decisions to make.  You want to be independent.  Yet you recognize and perpetuate your co-dependent relationship with your mother.  You are not only keeping yourself financially dependent on her, but you are also surrounded by someone who is putting you down.  The longer you hear that message, the more you will believe it to be true, and the more you may subconsciously sabotage your own efforts to change.

So you are going to have to dig deep insider yourself to find a lot of strength to put aside some of your feelings with your mother, and possibly your relationship with her, if you want to become more independent and do the kind of work you want.  It won't be easy, but once you do, I suspect you'll eventually find your self-confidence boosted, and along with that your happiness.

The next steps are up to you. 

As far as the job goes, in this economy, 4 months is just the start of a job search.  You can't let yourself get discouraged; you must hold yourself accountable and continue to be aggressive with your job search.  If you're not getting jobs, ask for feedback from your interviewers on why they did not select you, and use that to change your approach next time.

As far as your relationship with your mother, again, I think a therapist / counselor could really help you here.  If you've tried before, you may not have found the right one.  You have to tell them what you want and need.  And what you've written here is a darn good start on that.

Best Regards,

Henry

I am going through a really dark time right now. My life is just in tatters. I am 29 years old and I just spent four years of my life going to a technical college where I earned a Bachelor's degree but I cannot find work now. I have only had 3 interviews since June, and none of them panned out. Now I am in huge student loan debt and I cant find a job anywhere. I want to work more than anything, and have a normal life, but I just dont know where to start I have tried everything. I dont have any work experience much. I would love to try doing makeup or cosmetology work someday, but if I did my family would completely disown me and since I am broke right now, I cant do that. My life is just pathetic. I have never really worked much my whole life, as I have had a very bizarre co-dependent relationship with my elderly mother who I now live with and take care of. I never built up my confidence because I never felt worthy enough to get a job, and my weird relationship with my mother was always there to bail me out. I know, its so pathetic right. I love her, but she does not and never would accept my sexuality let alone if she knew my HIV status. Because I grew up feeling so excluded by my family, I did many things I now regret like using drugs, and sleeping around. I used to cut myself because I hate the way I looked so much. I was told I am too skinny, too feminine. I tried so hard and I finally put a little weight on but its just not enough I don't think Im attractive to anyone. I just started to shut people out of my life.  I don't regret having HIV, whats done is done, I cant change that. I just dont like myself at all. I don't have a cent to my name, even after the all the hard work I put in earning my degree I don't have anything to show for it. I know what my strengths are I just can't find anywhere to use them. Sometimes I think about cutting myself again. I don't have any friends and noone really cares about me, so whats the point? Im not attractive and I don't have any money and I drive an 11 year old car because I can't find a job. To top all of that off, I fell a few days ago on a wet patch of road and knocked my front teeth out so now I have to wait several weeks for my gums to heal so I can get crowns put in, so I am stuck hiding at home so noone will have to see me in public. My mother says I will never amount to anything and I think she is right. And my one family member that has always been there for me no matter what is now in the hospital dying and so I cant talk to her. I just want to find a job and to become independent for once in my life and not have my past mistakes define me. I want my own place and to move out of this hellhole with my mother. I want to have friends but I dont feel confident in anyone liking me. I just don't know where to turn or who to talk to so I figured I would post on here, since I remembered there was a forum for mental health/depression. Its just hopeless. I guess my sad story is pretty pathetic huh 

[OneTampa]

Newbie,

First, congratulations on obtaining your college degree.  That alone took a lot of focus and dedication.

You gave a very clear account of your challenging circumstances.  This tells me that you have a great ability to recognize and define a situation--a valuable transferable asset that will serve you well in your professional career. And, you WILL get a job and have a professional career.

Second, Henry gives solid advice.  Please take it.

And finally, take care of yourself and let us know how things go.

Best.

[mecch]

The job market sucks, millions or recent grads are facing the same crappy situation as you. So don't get down on yourself for the degree and not having a job yet.  That said, a job DOES sound like one route to your indepedence. 
Is there ANYTHING good in your relationship with your mom?
Is it just because of the shelter and food you stay on, and to "take care of her" (fulfilling a duty)?

Do you want to confront your mom:

1) NOW

2) After you have  job, but while still living with her

3) After you have moved out, but still need her money

4) When you don't need her money

Is there anyway you can move out NOW before having found a job?

You mother is evil to say you will never amount to anything.  I think you could stategically stay with her until you are on your feel with a job and some cash, but I'm hedging really, because if you DO really believe your mom's SICKFUCK estimation of you, you are going to have  hard time making a success of yourself.  Also, you say youself you wonder if you are worthy of a life, in effect. Job, lover, being considered attractive. etc etc. 

So the best thing might be to GET OUT, now, by any means possible.  If you are tempted to do that.  Pack some bags,  Then sit your mom down, adult to adult and tell her exactly why her attitude is IMPOSSIBLE and hurtful and how you can not have anything to do with such life wasting joy draining person.  At that point, I would also tell her you are gay, HIV+ and like to do hair, fuck it all.  Just make sure you have a place to carry that luggage to. 
Is there no one?  Cousin? Old friend? College buddy?

Or, without the theatrics of moving out, just dump it all on her, (the old bat).  And tell her you love her cause she is your mother but she is behaving like a TWIT, has got to join the 21st C and you'lll be happy to be around to help her and she can continue to help you.  But enough of the charades, pretending, and enough of the meanness and smallness.   

Mothers don't call their children lifelong losers.  jeez!  Don't let her get away with that.
And certainly don't believe it.

[newbieguy]

Thanks for the feeback. I want to be independent, but I just don't know what else to do. I spend every day applying and looking for work, sending out applications and my resume. I mean I could work at Walmart but geez, I didnt spend 4 years of my life and $40,000 in student loans to work a minumum wage job. $10 an hour won't pay the bills, make car payments, rent, and living expenses! I don't fucking know why they pay Career Services at my school because they don't do a goddamned thing for me as far as placement, other than trying to get me to take jobs at Walmart. I am like, HELLO, if I wanted to work at Walmart, why the fuck did I spend 4 years going to school earning a degree? I want to work in social work, help give gay/lesbian people legal advice, since my background is criminal justice, that is what I went to school for. I know the job market sucks, but geez. Believe me as soon as I can find a damn job, I am going to get my own place and move out. I just hate my life right now and sometimes I just don't see the point in going on. My favorite aunt is very sick in the hospital, and if something happens to her I will be crushed. It just seems like life is passing me by and I wasted 4 years of my life at school. I know I could contribute something to an employer, I have great writing skills and verbal skills, and empathy for others, but the jobs just aren't there. I can't get any therapy because that costs too much and I already have enough medical debt. On the outside I manage to look halfway decent and polished as best I can but on the inside its very hard, I have a lot of anger issues and I am resenting a lot of things. What kind of country is this if you can't get a decent job after you fucking bust your ass after four years in college?

[mecch]

It must be a terribly frustrating situation.
Oh, and did I understand you correctly?  Your college's career services actually pushed you to work at Walmart? That is pretty dire! 
Stick to your career goals. Why not take a part-time job, any job, for the moment, and get an internship in some legal services capacity??
Also, what about temping?  Not possible where you are?  I temped sometimes when I was doing art work instead  of career jobs, and even got offered great jobs that way.  You are correct, when people see what you have to offer, the doors will open.  Sometimes they open from the inside - you go to already be in the field or in the company.  Anyone capable and hard working is seen, valued, and sometimes hired.

Also, one thing career services can do is provide you a list of alumni working in your field.  Then you need to learn how to "information interview".  Do you know that that is?

[newbieguy]

Meech, I've never heard of information interviews. I do think I am a good interviewer, but the job market is so awful that I just farely have the chance to even have a job interview..I think there is alot of anti-gay bias too out there, people just can't seem to look and see what you have beneath and can bring to the table. People are so shallow. Yes you heard me right my career services at my school keep forwarding dead end minimum wage jobs at places like Amazon or Walmart, where they would only pay like 10 bucks an hour. Well, I have washed my hands of areer services at this school because I told them HELLO but could you fucking pay your bills on a goddamned 10 dollar an hour job? Sorry but I worked my ass off for four years to better myself and get a decent job that will pay the bills not working at Walmart. Sheesh. But they act like it's a good opportunity, what a fucking laugh. How the fuck can anyone pay the bills and pay back student loans on minimum wage? I went to school to get a good job where I could work with gay and lesbian people with legal problems, or with domestic violence victims. That's what I wantedto do with my life. But that seems like a fucking pipedream at this point. I just don't know what to do, I have tried everywhere and everything. Because I spent the last 4 years so heavily focused on school, I didn't get much work exerience so I really don't have a big resume, just the skills I know I can bring to the table and my degree, which is obviously nothing more than a piece of paper at this point. It's just hopeless.

[mecch]

An information interview is where you make an interview with someone in the field you are interested in, but it is not for a job. It is to get information about working in that field.  This is a standard thing that people graduating from 4 year colleges with bachelor's can do, using the alumni network.  
In other words, the person meeting you is not under pressure to give you a job.  You are not permitted to ask for a job.  

I pretty shocked a college would send its B.A. students to interview for standard retail jobs.  Does you college have a career services web site I can look at?  If you don't want to put the name in public, PM me.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Informational_interview
http://www.jobsetc.gc.ca/eng/pieces.jsp?category_id=420
http://jobsearch.about.com/cs/infointerviews/a/infointerview.htm

I used information interviews during two different job searches.  For example one time I wanted to work in a certain field in ny.  I got a list from my college of everyone working in that field in the area. A few of these thought they might have information that could help me understand.  Then during one of the interviews, the guy, who was in business side of things, introduced me to people in his company who were in the side I was interested.  And then one of those people gave me a list of small companies in the city who did that work, and then I called all them and ended up getting a job.  (Oh, but i only stayed a few months, I didn't really like that field.)

Look man, if you think it is hopeless, it is.  RULE NUMBER ONE.

Secondly, you will NOT be wearing your sexuality on your sleeve in your job search, so why are you worrying about anti-gay bias?  If you feel you are noticeably, stereotypically gay in appearance or mannerisms - (what do you mean "people just can't seem to look and see what you have beneath") - then you just work with that.  In a big city this is hardly important, so where do you live, where you think being gay is an issue in your job search??

Also, please respond.  Are there temporary agencies your area, and what kind of jobs do they offer.

PS - any office skills - typing, word processing, etc?

Try to lighten up a bit, though I know it must be frustrating.  You can't be pessimistic so early in life, so soon after earning your BA.  It may sound polly-anna, but you create your life, and you have to believe that something is possible.  

I garantee you this - cold applications and letters are the least efficient way of finding a job, though they occassionally work.  You will get a job if you have a positive attitude and meet the right people, but you don't know where this will be.  

You should also consider ANY job in legal services, esp big or small law firms.  You will need SKILLS when you eventually work for a small social services organisation that does legal assistance.  They dont hired inexperienced newbies!!!  The big places are where you learn skills.  You have to stop this belly aching about wanting to help gay and lesbian people exclusively.  You don't get to pick and chose your occupation, least of all since you have no work experience whatsoever, and no special skills in legal work yet.  You would do well to be hired in a law firm and learn your way around such matters.  If you have any talent, trust me, they will dump responsibility on you and you will learn alot.  In a small non-profit, there may be nobody to mentor you.  Generally, small non-profits need skilled workers who hit the ground running, if it is paid employment, that is.  You might be able to intern, however.

[Theyer]

HI,
Most people working in Law and Social Worker, started by doing Volunteer work. This benefits there C.V. and expands there professional network.

It would also have the added benefit for you in getting out off your home and demonstrating to the field you choose, commitment.

Good luck
t

[Andy Velez]

Newbie, you're obviously dealing with some "challenging" things. Even if you take a low-paying job right now like at Wal-Mart, that would be for now. It's not forever. And it will get you out of the house and bring you into contact with other people which would be good. Otherwise it's too easy when you are isolated and discouraged to feel overwhelmed.

What you are coping with is a very big and very shared problem. So solutions are going to be found to deal with things student loans. We're not there yet about that but it's clearly something that is being discussed widely.

So rather than focusing on big and overwhelming subjects, see what you can do today to move on.

You're always welcome to discuss things here. As you can see other members are quick to respond. Just take what you can use and leave the rest. There will come a time when you'll wonder "how did I ever get through all of that," but you will. Just don't try to do it alone.

Cheers.

[james3000]

Hi, I was in the same situation as you years ago in one of the bad recessions I took a minimum wage job at the local movie theater after six months I got a raise for good work and managed to save quite a bit doing overtime also most of the people were nice it was fun even though low paid. When I had saved up some money I moved away and started life in a new way.
These are very uncertain times you are not alone.
many so called beautiful rich people are very unhappy it is the inner self that people will see shine through.
I have been under treatment for  depression and it took a while to find the right people to trust.

[mecch]

Hi, I was in the same situation as you years ago in one of the bad recessions I took a minimum wage job at the local movie theater after six months I got a raise for good work and managed to save quite a bit doing overtime also most of the people were nice it was fun even though low paid. When I had saved up some money I moved away and started life in a new way.
These are very uncertain times you are not alone.
many so called beautiful rich people are very unhappy it is the inner self that people will see shine through.
I have been under treatment for  depression and it took a while to find the right people to trust.

Congrats on all that.  And its very good wisdom for the OP.