Hi! I need advice, please!

[echo11]

I had unprotected virginal intercourse with a man I met on the Internet I am female, stupid I know.

Before we met we had discussed protection he was against it and I had two oraquick home testing kits which we agreed we would use before engaging in sex.

So, there I am swept off my feet by the things this stranger promised, one of which was a monogamous relationship, we get to the locus inquo lol and before we have the time to say more than three words to each other, we are having sex! Every which way, will spare you the details.

After the first time he came, we discussed stds etc and he said he was clean I even laughingly said at one point whatever you have I have now (extremely foolish and naive I know) then we went on to engage in insertive virginal sex a total of three times that night and twice the next morning. Oh one of which ended with semen in my mouth and me swallowing.

I got home the next day and promptly got a sore throat, have had headaches, migranes, numbness in my big toe on my left foot and sharp shooting pains all over my body and now an itch in my lady bits. I know you will not diagnose from my symptoms but I'm worried that this stranger willfully gave me hiv, because after all the promises as soon as we parted I never heard from him again, my thought being if he lied about one thing he must have about a lot more. Until I sent him a text begging him to tell me whether or not he was sure he is clean yesterday. He replied my text confirming again that he is - but took that with a pinch of salt.

I took the "taken a risk" test on the tht website and it says my risk was minimal as living in the uk and man was not from sub Sahara Africa, I take that test every day just to keep me going.


I am going to test on Thursday at a GUM clinic 10 days post exposure. So my questions really are if I have been willfully infected seeing steps I took not to be, I know should have insisted on gloves before love, would Internet man be held accountable? Do you reckon?

Most importantly, are tests taken 10 days post exposure conclusive, I know fh do RNA pcr but I frankly don't want to pay so much to do the tests as I might need a lot of money to fight the hiv. Does anyone know whether tests given at gum clinics are conclusive 10 days post exposure.

Apologies for my lengthy post. Thanks in advance for your replies.

[echo11]

Oh I've also had intense ear ache that has persisted despite taking full dose of septrin

[jkinatl2]

I am going to test on Thursday at a GUM clinic 10 days post exposure. So my questions really are if I have been willfully infected seeing steps I took not to be, I know should have insisted on gloves before love, would Internet man be held accountable? Do you reckon?

Well, you certainly have managed to triple-team the risk factors for HIV. But you know that. In the future, you can go NUTS but please use a condom for anal and vaginal intercourse. Please?

Now here's the deal. An antibody test at the six week period past your last exposure is what you really need. Though a 12 week test is still considered to be the "gold Standard" you can pretty much bet that the test at 6 weeks will not likely change.

As for you being "willfully infected," um. Well. You seemed pretty willful there, so why sully the event by giving away the rather large amount of power you held over that, dare I say, life-affirming weekend? Why change your unbridled act of empowerment and passion into an act of victimization and viral rape?

For better or worse, richer or poorer, you dove into this event with no life jacket and no initial remorse. I beg you not to let your monday-morning quarterback take it's patriarchal control over your magnificence.

Browbeat yourself for not using condoms for anal/vaginal sex? Sure, do that if it means that in future voyages into the effervescent ether of pleasure, you take the thirty damned seconds to wrap it up. Because if you do that little (not little, but you know) thing, nothing else can present a real danger for HIV.

HPV? Yup. Syphilis, Chlamydia, gonorrhea. check. But if you are being liberated, I assume you are also getting tested for all that AND HIV every six months. And I hope you are being liberated

But this is HIV. And you have a few weeks before an antibody test is even on the table. Luckily, the vast majority of people will test positive by the 22nd day past exposure. A Six week negative is almost certain, and a three month test is the gold standard.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and hope that you learn how to embrace your hedonism (which is magnificent) while taking responsibility for your sexual health.

Enjoy!

[echo11]

Lol, wish I couldn't lol at some parts of your post but I have a sense of humour. Well, did not triple team, didn't engage in anal sex as I have had piles since I was in my 20's, so never have. Exposure was via *vaginal and oral sex only.

Before now, I had tests done almost every year for one reason or the other. Plus my partner has them yearly for work...so been fine until now. You are right, I have no one to blame but myself!

So what are the chances that I could walk away from this unscathed? I know risk is astronomical in my case but, would I have a 1% chance? I'll take anything pmsl. Sorry for going on at 7 in the a.m

[echo11]

And took one of said oraquick tests two days post exposure, at home, it came back neg. I know doesn't mean anything just FYI.

The second one I'm saving.

[jkinatl2]

Well the Oraquick tests will be worthless until week 6. Try to hold off until then.

And I am glad you have a sense of humor! I was hoping. You sounded like a person with a head on her shoulders, but in this forum, it's a roll of the dice.

Still, please don't "blame" yourself.  Hell, haven't we ALL turned left when we should've turned right a time or four? Being human is not a fault. It's who we are. Learning experiences. Let's go with that. Because hopefully we will all be alive and well long enough to fly into these same circumstances again (and again).

Your risk was high, there is no batting that about. But on a one-off event with a single person of unknown status, the odds are in your favor. I would not advocate playing those odds in Vegas, but you stand a great chance of coming through this HIV negative. And you DO know what it takes (condom) to avoid becoming positive, so this really is just an event - not a circumstance.

I thoroughly despise sex-negative HIV information sites, in case that hadn't been made clear. There's no reason why you cannot be a fully realised human being on this planet and still remain uninfected. Well, no logical reason, which is the pickle we parse tonight.

Save your second Oraquick until week 6.

Take a third on week 12.

And you will be OK


*modified for spelling.

[echo11]

Ok! Thanks for your answers. Will still have tests at clinic in course of the week. Have you heard anything about an ear infection being part of ars by chance. Don't have anyone to talk to about this, so will try not to bend your errr ear too much lol.

[Ann]

Echo,

First off, when you ask a person questions about their sexual health, do NOT use the word "clean". I'm clean - I shower daily - but I'm also hiv positive. To ask if someone is "clean" implies that those of us who are hiv positive are dirty - or "unclean", a word which carries all sorts of social and biblical baggage. It's insulting language so please do not use it here - or anywhere - again.

Second, while the THT website is good in many ways, they let themselves - and the nation - down with that risk assessment test of theirs. ANYONE who has unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse with someone of unknown or hiv positive status is putting themselves at risk for hiv - full stop. I fear some people may think they don't need to test after taking that risk assessment quiz. The THT should be encouraging EVERYONE to test regularly, not just people who can tick certain boxes.

I know plenty of women in the UK who ended up poz - and the men from whom they acquired their infection weren't drug users, men who have sex with men, or from Africa. Hiv does not discriminate and neither should the THT (they should know better) and neither should you. Hopefully you know better now.

Hiv can and does affect people from all areas of the world and all echelons of society. Hell, I'm on the Isle of Man and I didn't go to Africa to get my hiv, I got it from a local man who doesn't have sex with men and isn't a drug user.

OK, rant/lecture out of the way....

The only thing your recent hiv test will show you is that you were not infected before this encounter. As Jonathan has told you, you need to wait until at least six weeks to use the second test. However, there are NO tests that are approved for home use in the UK. I don't know why you wasted your money on home tests when you can be tested for free at your local GUM.

Keep your appointment at the GUM - because you need to be checked out for all the other, MUCH more easily transmitted STIs. They can be tested for ten days to two weeks after a risky encounter - or sooner if symptoms appear such as your vaginal itching.

They will likely also test you for hiv again at this point (with a rapid test) to establish a base-line (ie find out if you were already poz before this encounter). They will likely brush aside your home test results because as I said, there are no approved home tests in the UK.

Provided your rapid result is negative, they will advise you to come back in six weeks post-incident. Depending on where your clinic is located, the six week test may be considered conclusive. Clinics in some areas of high prevalence (Soho, for example) are using the most up-to-date tests that are conclusive at six weeks, but if they tell you that you need a test at three months for a conclusive result, pay attention and attend again at three months. (although a six week negative is unlikely to change regardless of what test is used.)

If they tell you that you need to test out to six months, find another GUM clinic to go to because one that trots out the outdated six month window period isn't up to date, so goodness knows what else they may be getting wrong.

As for your earache or other symptoms, not one of them is hiv specific. Earache isn't a symptom of primary hiv infection at all. You MUST keep in mind that neither symptoms, nor even the lack of symptoms will ever tell you a single thing about your hiv status. ONLY testing at the appropriate time will.

In future, you can have all the sex you want with as many men as you wish, but insist they wrap it up first. A man who refuses to use condoms raises red flags - not because I'd think they were trying to infect anyone with hiv, but because it shows they simply do not give a damn about their own health or the health of the women they use for sexual gratification (and I use that terminology because men who refuse condoms ARE most often users - and discarders - of women).

If he refuses to use condoms with you, then he's refusing to use condoms with other women too and who knows what STIs he may be passing around. There are antibiotic resistant strains of gonorrhea out there, so it's not just about hiv. Up to 80% of men do not show any obvious symptoms of STIs they may be carrying, so they think their refusal of condoms isn't doing them any harm.

Anyway, good luck with your testing. Forget about your home test kits - the GUM clinic is your (free-of-charge) friend.

Ann

[echo11]

Hi Ann, a million apologies for offensive language used. I picked it up from dating websites, but take responsibility. I'll go back and edit previous post as really did not intend to offend.

Thanks for your advice I will keep GUM appointments. And thanks for allaying my fears about the ear ache/pain lol.

Agree with what you said about red flags, the funny thing is I'm from Sub Saharan Africa originally and he isn't...now isn't that ironic! Using my sense of humour to hold things together at the moment else I'd be drowning, so sorry if coming across as offensive in anyway.

Well, I'll get tested as planned this week, and at 6 weeks and whenever else required. Again thanks Ann and Jonathan for taking time out to answer my questions!

Can't modify previous posts, sorry everyone!

[Ann]

You're welcome, Echo, that's what we're here for.

Humour is the best way to deal with a stressful situation, so keep lolling as much as possible.

Don't worry about not being able to edit your earlier posts. Other people will read them and hopefully also learn to stop and think about what sort of language they're using when talking about sexual health, and also hopefully pass that knowledge on to others. It's a teachable moment, so thanks for providing it.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Ann