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Loosing a Partner?

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 I lost my partner David last august to AIDS. He and I had 12 years 24/7 together. We were rarely apart from each other. Well 10 months has past now
and I'm still crying and hurting over the loss and yes, I still feel very guilty. I was one those people telling him he was going to be OK too. I could not admit to myself that he was dying. I could not imagine my life without him. I'm feeling like I let him down by not insisting on him going to the doctor and taking his meds. If I had, maybe he would still be here. There are so many other reasons as well. I think it's just part of being human. We all feel guilt for those we loose it is a part of grieving. My question is, how do you move on with your own life when you've lost the only constant in your life? At this point months later, I have become a prisoner of my own home. I don't leave the house unless I just have to. The few friends that I have call and try to get me out of the house but I cant seem to bring myself to do it. My grief is why I'm on here right now.
It's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do. I feel as though I died right along with him. I listen to the radio and I will hear a song and it triggers this deep emotional outbust and it's the same thing watching TV. There are so many triggers that unleash this overwhelming grief in me. I think that's part of my problem with getting out, I'm afraid I will loose it in the middle of the store or where ever I might be at the time one of those triggers is pulled. My heart  goes out to all that has lost a lover or friend. You are not alone!!!!
Have a blessed day to all that read this, Rick

Dear Rick:

Three weeks ago, I lost an incredible friend whom I had only know for four years but who had become such a strong influence in my life. I was not his partner; just a close friend.  Over the past nearly year and a half since he was diagnosed with lymphoma (he was HIV+ for 23 yrs), we maintained contact several times a week. And, as he began to decline, I called he and his partner (also a dear and wonderful friend) daily. In fact, we had lunch together yesterday.

There is a point to all of this rambling.  First of all, I don't know that you ever recover.  I don't know that you could, or would want to, fill the gap that his passing has left you with.  I think that, somehow, we move through this. We look to God, begin to contact friends, walk on the beach, get a dog, or just begin to remember him in those special ways that were shared with no one but the two of you.  Now, his partner is going through all the things he's helped other go through.  All the stages of grief are right there in front of him. 

Getting rid of his clothes was a big deal but my friend was very explicit in his directions for all the elements of grief he knew his partner would go through.

I ache because everything that comes out of my mouth sound insipid, like a Hallmark card.

I think that being here and exploring your present situation with those at this site may begin to ease your pain.  I can only pray for you and let you know that we are all your brothers and sisters. We are your family.  We love you and grieve over the love you have lost.  chris

Two of my ex partners during the 1990s –  John, who more or less killed himself by destroying his health through alcohol abuse and unchanged promiscuous behaviours, and Steve who developed AIDS-Related Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (NHL). Even to the end, Steve’s family denied their son had AIDS, let alone that he was even Gay. It was a very sad time to be at his funeral and see his partner sitting alone at the back of the gathering. I tried to get him to sit with my friend Paula and me, but he declined.

Both of these I consider tragic deaths, due to the senselessness of the conditions surrounding both. Today I remember them as troubled souls, but nonetheless can remember the good times I shared with each through it all.

I don’t let any lingering feelings of grief or guilt keep me from going forward and enjoying the parts of life that I do. Apart from the bad times I know they each loved me in their own way and wouldn’t want me to live a miserable existence.

To you Rick, I would say give this time. You haven’t had long yet to adjust to your loss. That you are missing your partner is hard, and you will need to grieve as long as it takes. By posting about him here, you've taken a step forward.

Thank you for trusting us with that.


Andy Velez:
Hey Rick,

Man, take a breath and go easy on yourself is what I say. Last August is not very long ago so it's not surprising you are grieving and that tears come very easily. Might have beens, if onlys and maybe if I hads just keep cropping up as we learn to live with a great loss.

I'm glad you have found your way here. You've already gotten some thoughtful responses. And here you don't have to pretend or be any other way than you actually feel. Life is going to go on. I'm guessing that your partner would join me in encouraging you to be gentle with yourself as you learn about getting on with life.


Oh Rick, I am so sorry for your loss and sorry you are hurting so badly.   I pray that you can find the strength to try to move on with your life, as difficult as it may seem.

So your partner was not taking his meds?  That's very sad.  I hope that perhaps by you posting about your pain and despair over losing him, that others on this site might see the effect that not taking their meds may some day have on their loved ones. 

I hope you can release some of the guilt, and do something good for yourself.
Accept the offer of your friends to go out and become an active participant in life can start with baby steps.   I don't think your partner would want you to remain in the state you are in now, so think about that.

We're here for you



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