POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: RobbyR on April 04, 2014, 12:40:58 pm
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I don't even know what's the point anymore. I've gone on dozens of interviews in the last two years & I never get a job. I am struggling with anxiety, depression, & bipolar. Now I am on my last few meds & in like two days I run out. And my psychiatrist won't even return my calls. I went on another interview today & it seemed like the guy was just going through the motions & that he already had his mind made up before it even started. So why even waste my time & get my hopes up? I hate how I look & don't like myself at all I wish I was hot then maybe I could get a job & nobody cares sometimes I feel like just killing myself.
Nobody cares I've gone to staffing agencies, & other job interviews & it's always the same lame excuses either lack of work experience or something else. I am openly gay so maybe that's it but it's not like I'm very feminine or flamy. I am having suicidal thoughts over this my whole family has already pretty much abandoned me they are super religious & don't accept me being gay so I have no support system.
I'm 32 years old & have never had a real job. In the past I had major manic episodes which caused me to be hospitalized but then the meds helped somewhat but now I'm almost out of my meds & this interview today was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I don't get it I am pleasant, nice, disarming, & conversational during interviews. It's ruining my life I don't know what I'll do when I run out of meds this weekend or don't get a job soon. I'm really feeling a complete wreck
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Robby ... have you considered Atripla may be in part fueling your feelings of hopelessness ?
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Robby, instead of waiting for a call back from your psychiatrist I would advise just going in as a walk in if your situation is this critical. You're bipolar and you don't want to mess around with things if for some reason whatever meds you are currently prescribed are not working. I've seen this happen to friends and it rarely ends well if they wait around.
If you are not working this afternoon and have the time then that's my advice -- either that or an ER visit.
What meds are you on, and aside from getting prescriptions with what frequency are you having one-on-one for these other non-bipolar type social/mental health issues?
edit: agree with Jeff -- it's negligent of your HIV doctor IMO to have you on Atripla
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Job market has always been tough.
You can always get a new psychiatrist.
Preparing for a job interview takes a lot of time and effort.
What type of job are you looking for?
Most employers in the everyday job market aren't looking to discuss sexual orientation.
They want to know why they should pay you all this money?
You are the one taking up their time for the opportunity to possibly work for them...So you really need to sell yourself in the few minutes you have in the interview you were able to land.
It's not about being "hot" ...but your personal attitude and reflection of yourself might play a negative role in your interviews.
Headhunters just suck most of the time. If you are interviewing at a place where they just try to find you a job...those almost never pan out unless you have tons of experience.
You need to psch yourself up, prepare as much as you can, and go into the interview saying...I'm going to nail this. I'm going to sell myself and be the best. I'm worth a lot and reflect that you are hard worker with time and ability to really add to someones business in a positive way.
Preparation and attitude is everything for job interviews.
Keep your head up, its just a job.....work sucks.
Mental and Physical health first.
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I just don't even feel like bothering I think I'm going to the liquor store maybe I'll just pass out so I won't feel this pain anymore. I don't know what the hell Atripla has to do with anything it's the only med I've been on & it's not even a psych med.
It's easy for people who have jobs to pass judgment on those who don't I'm not lazy & I am willing to work so I hate when my psychiatrist acts like I shouldn't be on the Affordable Care Act well excuse me what am I supposed to do pay 300 dollars for private insurance which I don't have? I wish I was some strapping hot guy instead of an ugly tall slim dude maybe then I'd get a job. I'm just sick of going to interviews & trying my best & then feeling like I'm just there as a waste of time I wish someone would just give me a chance & hire me all I want is a regular job so I can prove myself.
And I can't go anywhere as a walk in my psychiatrist is not in the office all weekend. So I may just get some bourbon & maybe I'll pass out. I don't want to be in pain anymore I'm tired of fake ass people who say they'll help you out & then never show up or care when I'm going through a rough time.
I've been taking Paxil Latuda & Xanax but I hate Paxil & the Latuda samples are almost out & my psychiatrist won't return my calls so yeah I don't know what there is to do.
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Robby ... have you considered Atripla may be in part fueling your feelings of hopelessness ?
This too.
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I don't know what the hell Atripla has to do with anything it's the only med I've been on & it's not even a psych med.
Then you've not spent much time on this forum reading the innumerable threads about the interaction of the Sustiva component in that medication and how it effects patients with mental health issues -- it's well documented and physicians are supposed to screen for this when prescribing the medication. Do some research instead of going to the liquor store.
And you should still be going to your psychiatrists office right now. You are the patient, sometimes you have to do the work you know. Why continue to write about him/her not returning your calls?
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I just don't even feel like bothering I think I'm going to the liquor store maybe I'll just pass out so I won't feel this pain anymore. I don't know what the hell Atripla has to do with anything it's the only med I've been on & it's not even a psych med.
It's easy for people who have jobs to pass judgment on those who don't I'm not lazy & I am willing to work so I hate when my psychiatrist acts like I shouldn't be on the Affordable Care Act well excuse me what am I supposed to do pay 300 dollars for private insurance which I don't have? I wish I was some strapping hot guy instead of an ugly tall slim dude maybe then I'd get a job. I'm just sick of going to interviews & trying my best & then feeling like I'm just there as a waste of time I wish someone would just give me a chance & hire me all I want is a regular job so I can prove myself.
And I can't go anywhere as a walk in my psychiatrist is not in the office all weekend. So I may just get some bourbon & maybe I'll pass out. I don't want to be in pain anymore I'm tired of fake ass people who say they'll help you out & then never show up or care when I'm going through a rough time.
I've been taking Paxil Latuda & Xanax but I hate Paxil & the Latuda samples are almost out & my psychiatrist won't return my calls so yeah I don't know what there is to do.
Xanax just calms you down instantly and makes you tired.
Atripla contains Sustiva which has recently proven to have negative mental effects including depression and suicidal thoughts.
Atripla might be contributing to your over-all negative attitude at everything.
Liqor is a downer and won't really help...probably make you more depressed or more tired.
Exercise helps to get rid of these crappy feelings too. Not drinking tho.
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Robby ... I have talked to you about Atripla many a time before so I do not see why its a surprise its come up again . People with mental health issues should not be on Atripla
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I don't know what the hell Atripla has to do with anything it's the only med I've been on & it's not even a psych med.
Of course it's not a psych med - but it CAN cause people to need psych meds!
We have told you time and time again that the Sustiva portion of Atripla is a bad, bad
BAD
fit for someone with mental health issues like bi-polar.
We DO care. I just wish you cared back enough to listen to what people have been telling you for quite some time now.
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I just don't want to feel this pain anymore & I'm tired of being a loser. Anyone who says the economy I good is full of crap I've been trying to get a job for 3 years with no luck & I'm just sick of it. I don't feel like living anymore what's the point if I can't be self sufficient.
As far as meds I really don't know what your talking about because my doctor hasn't ever asked me to stop Atripla & what if some other med has tons of bad side effects.
And my psychiatrist is gone for the weekend & I'll be out of my mood stabilizer in 2 days I don't think it's even workin anyway. So I don't know what to do all I want to do now is die & not feel like a total loser anymore. I have no job no friends (real ones anyway) & no prospects. So tell me what's the point?
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Robby, I understand you're feeling helpless and hopeless, but just the fact that you're reaching out here some says you really do want to live. So that's a start. If your psychiatrist is not in now, you need to go to the ER and tell them the whole story....the bipolar, not having meds, suicidal feelings. They will be able to help you.
BTW, I was on Sustiva, which is in Atripla, and had to get off because of it being detrimental to my mental health. Of course that's up to you to discuss with your doctor.
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This is a warning on the website who makes this drug . http://www.atripla.com/Index.aspx
ATRIPLA may cause the following additional serious side effects:
Serious psychiatric problems. Severe depression, strange thoughts, or angry behavior have been reported by a small number of patients. Some patients have had thoughts of suicide, and a few have actually committed suicide. These problems may occur more often in patients who have had mental illness
From drugs,com quoting the FDA
http://www.drugs.com/pro/atripla.html
There have also been occasional postmarketing reports of death by suicide, delusions, and psychosis-like behavior, although a causal relationship to the use of efavirenz cannot be determined from these reports. Patients with serious psychiatric adverse experiences should seek immediate medical evaluation to assess the possibility that the symptoms may be related to the use of efavirenz, and if so, to determine whether the risks of continued therapy outweigh the benefits .
From our own site . http://aidsmeds.com/archive/Atripla_1577.shtml
A small number of patients have had severe depression, strange thoughts, or angry behavior while taking Sustiva, one of the drugs in Atripla. Some patients have had thoughts of suicide and a few patients have actually committed suicide. These problems tend to occur more often in patients with a history of mental illness. You should contact your doctor immediately if you think you are having these symptoms, so your doctor can decide whether you should continue to take Sustiva.
We are trying to help you so please talk to your doctor about this .
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Robby, Betty is right -- at this point (meaning late on a Friday) you need to go to the ER and get them to sort out at the very least enough meds to control your bipolar situation until you get to your psychiatrist.
After that, obviously the consensus here is that YOU need to assert yourself with your doctor and insist on changing from Atripla to another HIV regimen. You need to assume responsibility with the situation. Nobody else is going to do it for you.
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RobbyR,
We care about you!
I think many people here can relate to how you are feeling....and that sometimes everything becomes too much.I really hope that you can go to the ER today.You will definetly get some help and be able to talk .
Please try not to worry re jobs , because right now, you and your health are way , more important.
You need to take baby steps and have the ER staff help you out with sorting out meds and getting some rest tonight.
You have already started the baby steps, just by coming online today..., so thats really good.
britchickxxx
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I'm just scared to go to the ER I mean what would I tell them? I'm afraid they'd try & commit me somewhere if I told them I had suicidal thoughts? What would they do? My psychiatrist hasn't called me back I think he doesn't like me because I am on the affordable care act & because I am not paying for my visits to him out of pocket at least he always seems very aloof with me. I don't know. I'm just scared to go & what do I tell them in the ER, hello I'm a total basket case because I can't find work? I even used my state's vocational rehab office & they basically didn't do shit to help place me in a job either.
I'm almost out of money & meds & I am really depressed & not sure how I am going to eat if I can't find work soon I just feel everyone is against me & there is a big conspiracy.
I'll think about going to the ER if I don't feel better but I'm just scared they'll label me as crazy & if people find out they'd love to use that as an excuse against me & I'm afraid they'll try & commit me somewhere so I don't know.
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You get help for this. Get off atripla and on something else. Get a new doc if current one won't cooperate.
No matter what, get help. Baker act, 5150, whatever they call a mental health hold in your state, usually are 72 hours. Thats nothing man, and well worth it to save life.
I haven't followed your posts enough to know. But I think everything you've been feeling, is part of the process. For you (and me) made harder because of preexisting mental issues
You go into the ER. Tell them you are on a med that is contraindicated for mental illnesses. Tell them you're having suicidal thoughts
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What is a 72 hour hold? Would they hold me against my will if I said I was suicidal in the ER? I don't have anyone to watch my dog & cat if I wasn't home so I worry about that too I'm just scared to go to the ER because I'm scared they'll try & commit me & then I'll be screwed. I'm just majorly depressed & pissed off at everyone but you know what this has taught me that your on your own in this world so called friends dnt do shit when you reach out to them & ask for help they just don't care so it's all good I see how it is. I have a bottle of Xanax I'm thinking of taking the whole bottle. I just don't trust people like I said I have nobody it's all gone I have nothing left my best friend moved away someone took him awy & I'm estranged from my family & so called friends I reached out to lied to me they won't respond when I asked them for help. Not sure what I'll do but I am at the end of my rope.
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Robby . Can I ask you what you want people to do to help you ?
I have noticed that no matter what is offered to you in the way of advice or suggestions is anything you will consider, so its hard to help a person when they will not let you .
Do you think maybe your friends may be at a loss as to how to help you ?
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Put your big boy pants on, buck up, it's three days man.
Who's gonna feed your pets if you opt out?
Take the bottle, it won't kill you. Trust me on that. Been there. I woke up on that hold, and had to get just a little lower before I started trying to pull it together
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First of all I have my "big boy" pants on I'm going through right now. I've had the year from hell & it's only gotten worse since my best friend & the only person I trusted my aunt passed away. I'm just really scared & I don't feel good about myself at all I feel ugly & like a loser.
To Jeff I feel you genuinely do want to help unlike some others on here I appreciate that. I won't post anymore I guessall I can do is just try & block all of this pain out & stay strong because I don't want people thinking I'm some ridiculous crazy person they would never shut up gossipping about that. So thanks for your suggestions I will weigh them & maybe get some type of discreet help.
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I've had experience going to the ER when I was going through a very difficult time, twice actually. Saved my life both times. Robby, I hope you make the decision to get the help you need.
I also have experience with Atripla. I remember when I started it I convinced myself that none of those CNS issues would affect me. Boy was I wrong. The changes were so subtle, yet mounting... After two years of use, I knew something was definitely wrong, yet somehow convinced myself it was me and not the medicine. That was a shitty cycle I was in.
Robby, I won't attempt to rub you wrong by telling you that you desperately need to make some changes. However, would you agree that what you're doing right now is not really working out well for you? It only goes on for as long as you let it.
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I've had experience going to the ER when I was going through a very difficult time, twice actually. Saved my life both times. Robby, I hope you make the decision to get the help you need.
I also have experience with Atripla. I remember when I started it I convinced myself that none of those CNS issues would affect me. Boy was I wrong. The changes were so subtle, yet mounting... After two years of use, I knew something was definitely wrong, yet somehow convinced myself it was me and not the medicine. That was a shitty cycle I was in.
Robby, I won't attempt to rub you wrong by telling you that you desperately need to make some changes. However, would you agree that what you're doing right now is not really working out well for you? It only goes on for as long as you let it.
I can relate well to this . When I was on Atripla I had no idea it was the drug causing my problems . I wanted to die and would have surely acted on it if not for the love of my dog, she kept me going but just barely .
I used to sit and cry and wish I was dead, I thought I had lost my mind and couldn't fathom ever feeling like truly living again . I no longer feel that way since I got the help I needed and ditched the Atripla .
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Don't run off just because I'm an ass. I've been where you are, exactly where you are. I don't judge you for what you're going through. I held my 7yr old son while they disconnected life support. Then I was diagnosed, then I planned it out and waited for script refill. Full bottle of vicadin, full bottle lorazepam, then started in on dad's heart meds. It's really hard to pill out, your body always wants life. No matter what your mind says. You'll just puke it out, maybe wake up in hospital getting pumped with charcoal, and yeah dude, maybe held for three days. You'll get a psych referral out of the ordeal.
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RobbyR,
I've been thinking about you today.I hope you can post back here when you feel ready.You have a lot of people here who care about you and want to help , just letti g you
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Apologies....my comp not working great and cut me off halfway through my email.Just letting you know we want to know how you are doing.
britchickxxx
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Hi everyone thanks for your sentiments I appreciate them I'm still here. I guess I feel a small bit better today but I'm still really scared & struggling with this depression. I slept for 10 hours & I could barely get out of bed. It doesn't help being a Pisces on top of it all, we are so sensitive & feel things so much more intensely at least I always have. This guy I had been talking to did make me fee better this morning when he texted me & talked a bit, but then he suddenly told me "his daughter was calling, she's autistic, & very chatty so lets continue this another time"..Maybe I misread it but it felt like he was saying I was autistic or something because I was chatty. I dunno I just felt brushed off.
It seems like guys always only want sex from me & are not interested in me as a person and it makes me feel very sad & lonely. Even on facebook when I meet a new guy & it seems we hit it off it always seems to turn sexual don't get me wrong I don't mind that but it'd be nice to meet
someone some day who cares about me as a person &
doesn't mind my eccentricities and such.
Eh..I don't know..Im still feeling a complete mess, confused, & sad I was on the verge of tears earlier, but not quite as bad as last night. I'm just so not motivated I guess I feel like what's the point.
Two weeks ago I guess I was in a major manic period because I was the total opposite I was bouncing off the walls feeling happy & very seductive & I was out having
risky sex. I hate this cycle & now I'm in the worst depressed episode I've ever had.
I'm going to be taking my last Latuda tablets tomorrow they haven't seemed to help too much anyways. Maybe a different medication? I just don't know what to do maybe I
should go to the ER but I feel so depressed I'm scared to & I don't have anyone to go with me.
And my psychiatrist is totally unavailable until next week
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Hey Robby,
I am so sorry to hear how difficult life is right now for you. I have lived with mental illness my entire life and I know, from personal experience, just how hard it can be to live with a mental illness. I also suffer from depression and I know how it can alter our perceptions of reality and actually affect our thought processes. Both depression and bi-polarity are caused by a chemical imbalance within the brain that can often be treated successfully with the proper medication and cognitive therapy (talk therapy).
Without the proper treatment you feel as you do, because your mind and emotions are simply not able to process information correctly. This does not mean there is anything wrong with you, or that you are any less of a decent human being, it means you have an illness that you need to treat. These diseases manifest themselves in the very feelings, both physically and mentally, that you are experiencing and are a sign that you need some help.
As others have mentioned, the Sustiva component in Atripla is known to cause serious issues in those of us who suffer from mental illness and there are many other HIV drugs that will work for you, without you suffering any horrible side effects. Knowing what I know about Sustiva, I am pretty much begging you to talk with your HIV doctor and to choose a new drug regime that does not include Sustiva. I cannot stress this enough Robby, Sustiva can be deadly for folks like us and there is no reason for you to risk your mental well being when there are other drugs that will control your HIV just as well.
I also hope you realize that what you are experiencing right now, is a combination of many things, like lack of a job, friends and feelings of utter despair and hopelessness. The issue here Robby, is your mental illness and not any defect in you as a person. You are not experiencing your world as you could, because your mind is not perceiving things as they really are and you are experiencing these intense emotions, because of your illness and not because you are somehow lacking as a human being.
I also realize that all of this can be overwhelming and I want you to know that I will be here for you, if you need me, because one can never have too many friends. I also know a cry for help when I hear one and right now, my friend, you are screaming for help and we are here for you.
What I would ask of you is for you to talk with your HIV doctor, like Monday and change your Atripla to some other drug regime. You have no idea how damaging Sustiva can be to folks like us and it may also be the cause of your psych meds not working as well as they could. My point here is to encourage you to remove a drug that we know can cause major issues and which may be the source of many of the issues you now face.
It would also be very helpful, for you to share with your HIV doctor whatever other meds you are taking, just to be sure that you are not taking ANY meds that can cause interactions with the other drugs. I would encourage you to do the same with your psychiatrist, again to be sure that whatever psych meds you may take do not interfere with your HIV meds. I have done this for years with my doctors and by doing so, I have been able to effectively treat both my HIV and depression/anxiety/PTSD issues.
The real issue here is that you do not like how you feel and you want to change that and you will need help to do so. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, rather it is a sign of great strength, when we realize that some problems in life are simply too large for us to overcome alone. What you are doing here is acknowledging that you do not like your life and that you are willing to try new avenues to get the old Robby back.
Everyone who has posted here, wants nothing more than for you to be happy and to live the life that you choose. You know you cannot do this alone and you do not have to go it alone, unless you push those who want to help you away.
Please do not push us away and do not wait to help yourself. As much as I sympathize with how you feel, at some point, you need to stop the self-pity and decide that you no longer wish to live like this and you will move mountains, if need be to change your life for the better.
You can do this Robby. I will not lie and say it will be easy, but what choice do you really have? You know you don't like living like this, so stop being a victim and become a survivor. Reach out to those who can help you... I promise that you are worth it.
Joe
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Joe posted just as I was and as unseal said it much better than I ever could but I will post any way .
We will always do what we can in the way of support but please know that we must tell you what we think is the best and sometime that is not easy to hear, but we mean the best I promise you .
We can be here to hear you and support you but there is two key things that I personally can identify that might could help . I encourage you to go to the emergency room when you are having a tough time . If you do this, you stand a much better chance at getting your doctors attention or finding one that is right for you, also you can get the immediate care that you may need .
The other issue is the Atripla, I only bring it up again because I am certain that this is not the right combo for you and I find it beyond reasonable that your doctors let you continue on with it . I'm not suggesting you make any changes to your combo or other meds until a doctor is consulted about it . If your doctors want you to continue to take Atripla I urge you to go get a second opinion because I really do believe that this drug is adding to your struggles as it did to me and countless others .
We will continue to support you in your time of need Robby but in return we ask that you be patient with us and take it to heart and seriously consider our advice . All of us forum members are not shy about stepping in when bad advice is offered so if you hear the same advice from many of us at the same time its well worth listening to in my experience .
I hope today is a better day for you .... you will be on my mind . Jeff .
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RobbyR,
Im so relieved to read that you got some sleep and could come back online today.Jeff, Betty, Ann and Joe have all spoken from the heart and given great advice.
Please keep coming back online, thats what we are all here for...to support each other.....and to listen
britchickxxx
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I will ask my doc about the Atripla I dunno if that's entirely to blame for my issues or not I've had bipolar & issues for many years prior to ever starting Atripla.Maybe it makes it worse sometimes I dunno..Maybe sometime I can try Lithium I heard it works well for bipolar & depression. People have told me Latuda a better first line treatment for bipolar but they said if that fails Lithium could be helpful. My psych told me this too.
I'm pretty worried because I'm going to run out of my Latuda pills tomorrow & my psychiatrist hasn't returned my calls so I feel he doesn't care. I wonder if he even knows I exist.
But I'll def ask about the Atripla contributing to my depression but I'm skeptical.
I've discovered one thing..I do NOT do well with SSRIs at all Paxil is the only one I've been able to take & even it makes me feel really out of it & sometimes depressed worse. I get nauseated a lot. I've tried Zoloft too & it was awful it sent me to the ER.
The only things that have helped myanxiety have been Xanax & Propranolol, & the Xanax wears off too quickly.
I'd like to try Klonopin. But if I can't get my Latuda refilled I'm not sure what I'll do. I wish there was one pill to treat bipolar & anxiety all in one :(
I guess if I don't hear from my psychiatrist by Monda & I'm still really depressed, I'll have to go to the ER.
I'm also struggling with some eating issues I've been purging & binging some because I've hurt so bad I just want to sleep or eat & purge what I can.
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Robby,
I don't even know where to begin. You need help my friend and I am asking you to go to the nearest ER and explain what is happening with you. You do not have to mention thoughts of suicide to get treated, and I am begging you to talk with someone today. What you are experiencing is not normal or healthy and I fear that you are unable to see how much damage you are causing yourself.
If nothing else, please call a suicide hotline and talk with someone. You are spiraling downward and I fear that you cannot see what is happening. I empathize with what you are experiencing and I think we both know that you cannot do this alone.
I want you to live and regain what it is you have lost. I wish I was there to be with you, to reassure you that you can change these feelings, but you cannot do this alone, nor should you have to do so.
Please talk with someone today. Please do not wait. I am begging you, because I remember the feelings that allowed me to put a loaded gun into my mouth and to contemplate pulling the trigger.
Robby... please do not give up on you.
Joe
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You really need to get off Atripla. A lot of doctors are ignorant of its effects.
You really need to feel there is a doctor who cares and will follow through. Everyone deserves that including you. Rather than suffering in isolation, you need to put yourself into the medical system and tell people whats going on and ask for attention.
Its possible you are a number to your therapist, but its up to you to plug through the system to get another.
You may need someone to coach you, advocate, toward getting the treatments you need, and that person might not be a doctor - but getting in to medial and social services - face to face - for attention -- is the way you will meet up with the ones who really will help.
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RobbyR,
((The hospital will always have an oncall consultant, another pair of ears and eyes and a different perspective and its your right to have that help.))
britchickxxx
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I made it another night tho how I don't know. I'm a bit drunk today & xanax put me to sleep but I'm still in so much pain I appreciate again the comments & people wanting to help I have given up trying to reach my psychiatrist he just must not care about me that I'm in total meltdown. I hate feeling so alone & sad ever since my aunt died I have noone & nothing left it's all gone. I'm so scared, but I might try & go to the ER & ask for help. It's just so hard for me to even go out in public sometimes because I'm scared people are judging me or will make fun of me & the slightest critical look or comment can hurt me so bad. I just hate how I look & that people think I'm a flamboyant ugly looking gay guy instead of a buff masculine guy but I can't help how I'm built. I just feel unwanted, unloved.
Awhile back I was at a gay bar and this guy I thought was liking me was chatting with me and another guy & he went back inside the bar & I followed. He said, "oh, you came in here too, I meant for the other one to" Well this just devastated me I thought he liked me & he was just using
me to buddy up to the one he really liked. And another guy met me at a bar and within 5 minutes apparently he found me so ugly he left me to go pal with other dudes he couldn't even give me the courtesy of saying excuse me. He left me alone sitting at the bar. I'm just over guys there aren't any good ones left unless your buff & masculine looking apparently.
And there's the fact I can't even get a job. I have a visual impairment which requires me to wear dark glasses & I
feel people don't like it. It's just one thing after another I don't ask for much I just want to have a job & be independent like others & have friends who care about me & feel wanted by guys. I wish I had a muscularbody instead of this one.
I may try to go the the ER tomorrow but I'm still scared. Abilify & Latuda haven't helped me I had a terrible manic episode recently & now I'm more depressed than ever.
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What about going to the ER today? Nobody is going to judge you in transit to the ER. You got to pay attention now to this imbalance.
(Really you can tackle the nasty gay dating scene when you are less fragile, feeling more secure. For what its worth, you aren't seeing that so clearly right now. Really, there are all kinds of flavours of people in this world, and everybody likes something different. Plenty of people are NOT looking for buff masculine dudes....)
For the moment you need some people taking care of you.
Sounds like you could use some social contacts, eventually, that are not especially gay or cruisy like bars.
How are you supporting yourself in these times?
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I got my letter of rejection for the last job I interviewed for. This makes like the 100th time I haven't gotten the job. I'm sure it's because I have little work history, or because I'm ugly, or gay (and not super butch), or a combination of them. I really hate myself.
The worst part is being alone, not having anyone to talk to who I trust or who cares. I have nobody. The so called therapist I used to see didn't seem interested & never asked me to call him if I needed anything..I just don't know what to do.
I guess I'll go to the ER & tell them I'm really depressed. My car is acting up so I hope I cam even get there.
I'm really wanting to take all my pills & hope I just go to sleep & not wake up. I got this letter of rejection this morning & I just can't take anymore I'm willing to work & I try to say all the right things in interviews so it must be ME.
Meanwhile I'm in debt up to my eyeballs with zero way of paying any of it back for the student loans, & I am having to binge & purge because I can't stop & don't know how. I just can't take much more of this I am so lonely & I'm sick of being a loser & don't know where to get help. I'm scared.
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Robby, seriously, you're locked into a circular line of thinking that is extremely unhealthy. You need to be under medical care, like yesterday, not when it's convenient, now
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I got my letter of rejection for the last job I interviewed for. This makes like the 100th time I haven't gotten the job. I'm sure it's because I have little work history, or because I'm ugly, or gay (and not super butch), or a combination of them. I really hate myself.
The worst part is being alone, not having anyone to talk to who I trust or who cares. I have nobody. The so called therapist I used to see didn't seem interested & never asked me to call him if I needed anything..I just don't know what to do.
I guess I'll go to the ER & tell them I'm really depressed. My car is acting up so I hope I cam even get there.
I'm really wanting to take all my pills & hope I just go to sleep & not wake up. I got this letter of rejection this morning & I just can't take anymore I'm willing to work & I try to say all the right things in interviews so it must be ME.
Meanwhile I'm in debt up to my eyeballs with zero way of paying any of it back for the student loans, & I am having to binge & purge because I can't stop & don't know how. I just can't take much more of this I am so lonely & I'm sick of being a loser & don't know where to get help. I'm scared.
Robby,
We talked about this and you know that you need help, so stop making excuses. Please believe me when I tell you that your ability to think clearly right now is severely compromised and if you want to get better, you need some help.
Stop making excuses and get to a doctor NOW.
Joe
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Robby, I'm sure you can offer something of value. For the moment not much is possible for a job because you are not figuring out a workable solution for the mood swings. Ditto, bf.
You can trust people here - we see that you are NOT seeing things correctly. Your body build and looks have ZERO to do with getting a job, for example. ZERO. Trust that is true.
You got to go talk to doctors who are going to figure out how to deal immediately with the crisis of mood swings and depression. Its a priority.
Explain to the people you meet in ER everything you have said here, the binge/purging, depression, manic periods, suicidal thoughts, the body dysmophia, everything.
If you can't bear to go outside, please make one call yourself, call this:
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
This will automatically connect you to a crisis centre in your area. You will get a trained ear AND you will get a concrete referral to getting to mental health assistance directly.
Do this now, please don't wait any longer.
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RobbyR,
Just to let you know that your friends here care for you and want the best for you.
britchickxxx
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Robby, check in, please. We are thinking about you.
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Robby,
Please let us know how you are doing. You know we care and we are here for you.
Joe
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I managed to come out of my little down episode. I resisted the urge to self harm & all that jazz. Basically thanks to Xanax for getting me through it. I stopped taking Paxil it's nasty & has made me sick & I think has made me worse. Those anti depressants are poison & that's the last time I'll ever take them, ew. Still haven't gone back on Latuda but at this point I don't even care because it didn't do shit for me either. And this foolish woman at the clinic had the gall to tell ne over the phone the other day when I was in total crisis that "you need to get your meds asap
because you need to stay medicated" her words not mine.
Can you even believe that? I'm not an animal lady, I'm a
human being. So yeah I'm still majorly pissed at her over
that comment. Seriously some people in health care have no business being in it.
I saw my primary care doc yesterday, she reassured me
some, she is one of the few who treats me like a human
being. She suggested I go into therapy again. I didn't like
my last therapist he just sat there & stared at me like some lab rat, & did this fake nodding & shit well I wasn't born yesterday & I could tell he'd have rather been somewhere else. So I have realized that I feel way more comfortable with female doctors than male ones so my primary care doc agreed to set me up with a female therapist. She said this was actually a common request for gay men, to prefer woman docs over men. I've typically felt this way. So we'll see how it goes.
I dunno how I'm feeling now. Basically numb. And pissed off. lVERY pissed off. I am starting to think I may not have bipolar after all but Borderline Personality Disorder because my mood shifts are so rapid & intense. But who knows.
I'm seeing my psych again Tuesday, maybe I'll tell him some of thi shit. I'm just not into spilling my feelings out to people in person, I feel that makes me weak & I have to keep this all in check.
My hiv doc told me I should try Isentress instead of Atripla due to my last little depressed period if you wanna call it that. But we shall see.
I still need to do a lot before I'll be ready to live a normal life. I've been offered to go to a gay man's group therapy but no way jose am I close to ready for that, to sit there & be judged. I happen to be a gay man who isn't muscular & into sports at all, & I don't strut around pretending to be straight I am what I am. I'm gay & I like shopping, old movies, fashion, & I hate sports but apparently that maes me "femmy". To hell with that this is why I'd rather be by myself.
We shall see what my psych says this week when I see him. At this point I'm wanting to ditch all meds except for my hiv meds & for xanax. Ha.
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hey robby, good to hear from ya man, seriously
keep it up, and give your doctors advice on a med switch off atripla some real consideration
and do be careful coming off some of those meds without supervision. some meds you have to drop cold, but some (many antidepressants) you have to wean the dosage down on. just take everything slow
but glad you're getting some clear heading perspective on this, big progress
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RobbyR,
Glad to see you posting back here today.
Good luck on tuesday re your apointment.I had my Psych appt on wednesday and I took my diary
with me, I write my feelings, sleep pattern etc down , just to remind me of whats been happenning.
Also re your meds, be careful , I agree with Zach, you have to taper down the dose gradually, ok.
britchickxx
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I dunno how I'm feeling now. Basically numb. And pissed off. lVERY pissed off. I am starting to think I may not have bipolar after all but Borderline Personality Disorder because my mood shifts are so rapid & intense. But who knows.
I'm seeing my psych again Tuesday, maybe I'll tell him some of thi shit. I'm just not into spilling my feelings out to people in person, I feel that makes me weak & I have to keep this all in check.
My hiv doc told me I should try Isentress instead of Atripla due to my last little depressed period if you wanna call it that. But we shall see.
I still need to do a lot before I'll be ready to live a normal life. I've been offered to go to a gay man's group therapy but no way jose am I close to ready for that, to sit there & be judged. I happen to be a gay man who isn't muscular & into sports at all, & I don't strut around pretending to be straight I am what I am. I'm gay & I like shopping, old movies, fashion, & I hate sports but apparently that maes me "femmy". To hell with that this is why I'd rather be by myself.
We shall see what my psych says this week when I see him. At this point I'm wanting to ditch all meds except for my hiv meds & for xanax. Ha.
Hey glad to hear you made it through. ;D
From a distance, it does seem like therapy is a necessity. I am sorry your therapist doesn't suit you but, again, from a distance, you don't have the best appreciation for what others are thinking and their motivations. You are pretty clouded by your own paranoia and pre-conceptions. I highly doubt that most therapists "would rather be elsewhere" when they are doing their jobs. Cause if so, they would change jobs. I highly doubt that you would be judged in "gay group therapy" by other gays, there for therapy as well - as to your body type and interests.
This is a recurring theme in your statements. I am not a psychologist, but it does sound like something called "body dysmorphic disorder" - one's self perception of one's body is out of whack AND one believes that society is perceiving the same thing AND limiting/punishing/rejecting the person because of his/her flawed body.
So you are limiting yourself, and you also feel that society is limiting you.
This doesn't mean we all don't get judged a bit, but you give it far too much weight and its hurting your ability to function.
I am posting again because I want to encourage you to tell EVERYTHING to the therapist. You say you are holding back and frankly, in my opinion, its counterproductive. In my opinion, you aren't protecting your sanity and dignity, although you think you are. You are probably protecting your misperceptions. Its possible that it is going to be very difficult, well at the same time freeing, to see that your body type, and interests in life, what you call "femmy", are NOT the reasons you are having social and professional difficulty.
I say this as someone who has followed therapy a few times in life and there are often resistances to knocking down one's own misconceptions about the world.
Please talk frankly to people you meet in any therapeutic setting.
Also if you could feel safer if the gay group therapy is structured and overseen by a professional. No professional is going to let a people bully you within the group.
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Also wanted to say, you have some feisty and independent attitude, sometimes. So try to bring this to your therapeutic and medical settings. Don't be a shrinking violet - tell people how you are feeling and what your expectations and needs are. Cause the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Just be open to this idea - the "I am what I am" declaration is great but it needs to be founded on an accurate perception of who you and others are. IMO its possible that chemical imbalances or synapses or whatever, do often prevent you from an accurate perception. Thats what needs to be tweaked.
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Meech you make some interesting points. Not sure if I agree with all of them but I do think my body image is off sometimes. Thanks in large part to constantly being picked on bullied & ridiculed in school even though that was 15-20 years ago it's still raw. I'm not 100% sure I need therapy, but maybe my new therapist will be a better fit. The last one sucked. He was one of those granola eating vacuous bike-riding types who just sat there & stared at me & nodded like I was some lab rat. Plus I don't trust men in that setting it's just awkward I feel better with women doctors. My new therapist is from Argentina I met her once in the hall she seemed pretty neat. And yeah I'm fiesty, so I can hold my own.
I'm still wondering about Borderline Personality Disorder. I really think I have it. I get strong emotions & impulses I can't control & I feel people are constantly hostile & judging me. And in the span of a single day someone's look or remark can send me into deep depression to the point of strongly wanting to self harm. And sometimes I just feel the need to self harm because it just comes up in me.
Other times I fly into rages & little things set me off real easy. I'm very sensitive & if people cross me I will lay into them. It's exhausting but just the way it is. I thought bipolar was much more cyclical, & lasted longer...I do have "up" or manic periods, but mostly my emotions can run from super depressed to super angry within hours or even minutes. Isn't that more borderline? If so, what the hell do I do?
Anyways I'm going to mention some of this to my psych. He mostly likes just throwing meds out so much of this will have to wait until I see my new therapist. Sucks to have noone who can understand this but ah well.
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stop self diagnosing, that is the wrong way. you'll have yourself convinced you're a mass murderer in a week with thinking like that. you're way off on borderline personality disorder, barking up the wrong tree, in the wrong forest. get yourself to a doctor, both mental and ID, get them talking to each other. be brutally honest with each. let them do their job. you job is to get well.
i am bipolar, go long periods without issues, but when i do struggle with it, i am a rapid cycling
i was thrilled to see you posting again. that says alot about your desire to work this out, without such final and drastic measures. but i think i and others here are very quickly going to start banging that same drum again.
get to a doctor robby. get to a doctor. no matter the inconvenience, stop looking for excuses. its good to have a doctor you like, but you sound like you're friend shopping. they are professionals, they keep their nose in the notebook because they are taking notes as part of their job. let them do their job. give them all the information they can use to do that job better, thats for your benefit man. why only mention some of it to the doctor?! thats counter productive and self defeating.
get to a doctor.
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I'm not "friend-shopping" as you call it I don't like that comment. I just saw my primary doc the other day & I agreed to stick with my current psych. However I'm not going to therapy with someone I don't like so that's why myself & my doc agreed to set me up with a new therapist whos a woman. It's hard enough for me to even state some of this stuff in person let alone to a therapist so I'm damn sure going to make sure I have one I'm comfortable with..I don't think that's friend shopping I all that finding a therapist I'm comfortable with. I don't trust people so it needs to be someone I feel I can trust.
I'm not going to try & self diagnose anymore I don't know what's wrong with me at this point. In the past my psych hasn't really listened to to me so I don't feel I can a.) have the time to articulate things & b.) he pretty much throws meds out & boom...visit's over. Hopefully my new therapist can help with some of this crap.
It's so hard for me to talk about this stuff I'm just not comfortable with talking about inner stuff with doctors it makes me cringe & I don't want to crack. I'm going to be as honest as I possibly can with my psych like I have been up to now, and my new therapist. And if I feel the urge to self harm again I'll go to ER.
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ok, i apologize if i offended. my only point is, the dr patient relationship is a professional working relationship. you seem to need it to be a personal one, they avoid that as standard procedure.
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I feel constantly devalued & degraded like whatever I say doesn't matter & I'm sick of it. People judging, I heard about it & I know. And I don't like it anymore.
Why do I talk to someone and make intelligent relevant points but yet someone muscular and hot comes along and says something stupid and those people act like it's the smartest thing ever. That's foolish.
And how exactly will drugs help. People won't change. They still act like ignorant stupid people who happen to look good to them are the greatest thing ever, when nerdy guys like me don't matter.
I hope this therapist has some ideas because at this point I am dealing with a lot and don't trust anyone & I'm very pissed off.
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robby, i apologized for something i really didn't mean much by. thats all you're gonna get from me. i'm not judging you. but you need help, on a level that cannot be provided here.
i really do wish you well man.
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Went on another interview today, only to be told I did not pass the qualification test. I'm sick of this I'm always failing at everything I do all I want is a job I can do & try to be productive I'm sick of living with my parents for once in my life I'd like to be independent.
I'm trying to remain strong but it's very hard. I wonder is it me? Is it the way I look. At this point I am ready to just give up nobody will hire me even with a clean criminal record. I say all the fake happy shit employers want to hear, & try to be affable & friendly, and I am reasonably articulate. Maybe it's my poor work history. But how the hell does one get work history if nobody will give you a chance?
I am really in a dark place I may have to go to the ER today or tomorrow because I am feeling seriously suicidal again. I cut myself the other day many times it passed but now I feel the need to do it again. I hope I won't be hospitalized but at this point I don't even care anymore. I'm sick of being a failure. And nobody cares.
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I'm going to try & muster the energy to go the the ER tonight because I am feeling at my wits end.
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Robby its good to hear that you live with someone. Do your parents get involved at all in your mental and physical health?
I got the impression you lived alone. Last week you were worried how you could even get to the ER, transport issues, not to mention being in public.
Would you mind clarifying the living situation and who is aware of your mental state?
With your current level of distress, its not surprising you are coming off badly in interviews. I am a bit surprised you manage to go to interviews, in fact.
The same circular and irrational thoughts keep resurfacing about this unemployment "Is it the way I look." Once again, I can assure you, this is not the issue.
It probably does have to do with your experience to date, however. You are sort of holding out "getting a job" as the solution to your distress, but it might be worth considering that you are in fact, at this time, in no condition to have a job. Yeah, employment is VERY important to personal integrity, sanity, self-worth self-esteem. But at the same time, working isn't always possible if one is mentally ill.
I encourage you to go the ER. Listen, anyway you can get the medical system to take action to deal with your current emotional distress, do it. You need to be in therapy and yes, indeed, you may need to spend some time in hospital but so what. Its your right to find a solid way out of this hole.
Also, again, I am now wondering - are you living alone, or not? Who is aware of your current state?
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Meech I'm lucky I guess to be able to live with relatives although they aren't necessarily involved in my personal life. We don't talk about that. I have nobody to talk to regarding my being gay, let alone the hiv & bipolar. It's just all my secrets. Other than my doctors of course. Due to my inability to find work, I am ashamed to have any friends & because I live at home I know people would make fun of me.
It's not even that I come off bad in interviews I don't think. It's more they wonder about my lack of work experience or the gaps in my resume & maybe because of how I look. I just feel so ugly.
I did reach out to my state's vocational rehab program awhile back I thought about maybe going to barber school. I even toured both the schools in my area today..Because of my bipolar disorder the voc rehab would pay for most of my tuition if I went that route..
But I've never been told by anyone in my life that someone is proud of me or achieved anything. I've always been put down, held to an impossible standard, so now I basically am told "you made your bed lie in it". Of course they don't know about my bipolar I have to keep it a secret because in my family that would not be accepted.
So I'm stuck. I just tell myself I would fail at anything I do so what's the point because I never can get a break. At this point I've pretty much ruled out barber school or cosmetology school too because I'm scared I'd fail at that too or that I'd be made fun of like I have been all my life.
It's just hopeless. I've tried & tried but nothings worked so I'm clearly meant to be a failure. I wish I had some hope. But I have none nor any encouragement or support or confidence in myself. I feel like an ugly loser.
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Bipolar, binge and purge, cutting, and body dysmorphia are a matrix of disorders that need to be investigated and treated by a professional. You simply cannot keep this all a secret from care givers and hope to get better. If your family are not care givers, ok work with that, but you cannot keep the entire set of challenges secret from a therapist and from doctors. The little I know, I do think you are aware of whats necessary because its important to eventually find a function that returns a sense of self-worth. So obviously yeah the vocational therapy is the right track.
I am wondering why there isn't mental health therapy combined with pills, when and where necessary. Overseen by a MD doctor and therapist, and/or an MD doctor and a psychiatrist (therapist who is an MD as well). Or, you need a brilliant case manager who will pursue some kind of global attention to the challenge.
It seems you hold back information from caregivers, for whatever reasons, at the end of the day its not constructive. You suffer more and worse in your cycles. There might have been traumatic past experiences fuelling the whole storm, you might have to discover what they were. It might be mostly chemical. I do think you need a professional to help figure out the whole she-bang and find some relief from the distress.
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I couldn't agree with Mecch more Robby . Its clear that part of the problem is that your condition compels you to erect barriers and roadblocks that keep you from moving forward in life .
You know that going it alone and doing it your way has not been working for you so please make it a priority to find the right doctor that you can live with and let go with, someone that you can trust to make the right decisions for you and then follow through on what he or she advises with even if it does not feel right at the time . I was in a dark place once and I eventually found a doctor who carried the load and believed in me when I couldn't do it for myself anymore . I got better when I let go and trusted enough to let someone else call the shots until I could do it for myself .
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Well my psychiatrist is very qualified & I trust him..But he is not a therapist. My hiv clinic has two therapists. One guy, one lady. The guy I saw way back. Didn't seem to click with him. My case manager seems like she doesn't really care she's just very blase when I told her how depressed I was & that I was cutting myself. She just said "hang in there" and take your meds. I'm taking my meds, but when I'm depressed I'm REALLY unstable & depressed a nobody seems to care or hear me when I say this.
The case manager said I can try the female therapist, and my psychiatrist agreed. But apparently she's really busy they said she would call me & set an appointment up.
I may not last until then though. I am totally hopeless & in crisis & nobody seems to care. I'm so ashamed that my mental state is like this, I don't want to be a burden either I hate that. I'll probably have to go to the ER somehow if I don't feel better.
Sometimes I wish I had a life coach to help me..But those probably don't exist nor could I afford one. I'm just at a loss. The only way out seems for me to just not hurt anymore.
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RobbyR
Please try to reach out for help.I know its so very difficult but all of these issues can be resolved but you need to think about the most important issue...you and your health.
I had phone couselling from THT , also the back up from the Psychiatrist.If you really dont feel comfortable with face to face counselling, phone counselling is a start.
Keep checking back here, A lot of people here care about you.
britchickxxx
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Well contact that psychiatrist and tell him you are in dire straights. Does HE know you binge and purge, cut, and are suicidal? He had you on meds but If I got it correctly, you stopped them? I'm sure if you could find acceptable meds, not too terrible, its clearly not enough -- you need a therapist who is either a shrink or is working with a shrink. I don't understand the family situation. They know nothing of this distress? Remind me again, do they know you are HIV+?
Since you are suicidal every other time you check in here its clear something has to give. You must feel terrible. If you announce you are suicidal to any other these people - case worker, therapist, shrink, treating md? - what happens? You could get better help if you could manage to advocate for yourself but it doesn't seem like you can manage that. Plus your family - you've excluded them from the list of possible caregivers? OR they excluded you? I think if you announce you are suicidal you can check into the hospital... Start talking to health professionals... Wouldn't that be a good thing?
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He knows I've had depressed episodes in the past & that I've cut but not recently. You don't know what it's like. Nobody seems to..I took some Xanax & I feel a little better but I'm still feeling really sad & angry. I'm going to try & be strong & hope I can come out of this.
I'm scared if I tell people I'm suicidal they'll try & commit me & put me in a closed room I don't think I could stand that I'm just scared of what they'd do to me.
I'm on meds but I am still suicidal, & I was recently manic when I ran out of them but this is the worst depression I've ever had. My family doesn't really know how bad things are they suspect I have problems they don't know I'm poz, nor that I have bipolar. I guess they just think I'm really moody or unpredictable.
Problem is I don't trust anyone to help me. Like at all. I've been doubke crossed & bullshitted by so many people I have yet to have anyone tell me I matter or that I can depend on anyone & I have to keep strong I just have to because there's people that are looking to double cross you at the drop of a hat.
If I am depressed again tomorrow I will try & drag myself to the ER the xanax does help the depression a bit but I'm still very pissed off & I am scaredif I go to hospital they'll lock me away.
It's just exhausting & I feel alone in this but I'll try & manage somehow..
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Robby, I really do not think you will be locked in a room or mistreated in any way if you seek help . You have significant problems so you may want to consider it may be best if you do get some inpatient care at a facility that can concentrate on you with the goal getting you back stable again .
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Robby Im not going to tell you to ask your family to help you but I am curious why you can't ask them. Did they double cross you?
About friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc, yes, people can be shitty, its true. But one of the things we all have to do is find ways so that people's shitty acts don't destroy us. Personally, I am a realist verging on a cautious optimist. I know many people do some shitty things sometimes, to others. But that's life. And people can also be very nice and generous. As for professionals - same thing. I would say I've had a few doctors who really patched me up when I needed it, but listen here - I asked them to and I let them do it.
Since you are not letting your family step in, its really going to be up to health/medical professionals. And you can't hide your current distress because they need to know, in order to apply their expertise to the entire situation. Really, its their job. Its your right to be treated entirely.... I suppose I can empathise only, I never feared being committed and I understand you really fear being "locked up".
Since you say you trust your psychiatrist, why don't you tell him everything, how you are suffering, what your are doing to yourself, and also discuss with him your fear of being "locked up". The only way forward is forward. If you are angry, express your anger a cogently as possible. Seems you have a right to be angry that you feel like you have fallen through the cracks. But there are also some "cracks" in your perception of things so somehow you need to trust someone who can have a cool outside overview.
I suppose if someone tells the police or health care workers he is suicidal, he will get screened for mental health and yes I do think a suicidal person can be put on a forced watch but I don't think its all that long and anyway, its the rational thing to happen, because it might prevent a suicide. And this gives a moment to hook up the person to necessary support to ease the crisis.
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you wont be locked in a room. it is not jail, it is not a padded room. it is a treatment facility, to provide needed care. it is what you need. and if its against your will, it will only last three days, 72 hours. you can do that robby. i know you can. if you check yourself in, you can check yourself out. you are free to leave if you refuse medical treatment. but please don't do that. let them help you. your fears are much worse than the reality is. you need treatment, we can only give moral support. you are in a position where only medical professionals can help you resolve this now. please give them the chance, and every bit of honest and open information they can use. you don't have to hide anything, to keep anything from them. nothing will be used against you
you've said many times here you don't have any friends. i'm your friend robby. i hope you feel the same way. we're here for you buddy, but we can only do so much. we'll still be here for you when you get out. every step man. i've gone through it. so many of your posts do echo with me.
i do know what its like. even the cutting, the scars up my arm remind me when i look at myself. the first ones, hesitant, cautious. the lasts one. deep, ripping angry scars, that still sting in the sun or when i'm dehydrated. i can't hide them, if i wear short sleeves, they are there for the world to see. its obvious what they are. i've been baker acted, i've committed violent acts in a blind rage, i've been in jail, and prison. i have been in solitary confinement. my manic episodes, were dangerous to myself, to anyone near me, to the world i wanted to burn down. there is a vicious monster in me, it is a wounded animal backed into a corner, slashing out at anything that moves near. but it took a long time to understand i am not the monster. your experience is individual, but please don't think you're alone. others have been in the same terrifying place you are now.
i want you to get through this. i want you to reach the day where life feels good again. i know when that happens, the job will naturally fall into place. and so many things, will just get in line. be willing to do what it takes to reach that place.
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I managed to get out of bed today. I'm still feeling sad, but I haven't cut myself since the other day. I wanted to yesterday but I didn't. I'm more numb today. My relative who I live with noticed my pierced ears & made a usual degrading remark, "why did you have to pierce your ears, haven't you disgraced us enough"? So that really hurt my feelings & I lashed out & slammed my door but at this point I'm used to being treated this way. I'm trapped, I'm lucky to have a roof over my head, but I don't think I can stand being around these people any more, but they are all I have until I can become self sufficient if that ever happens.
I have no self esteem left I'm always told, "your beard is so ugly", "you look scary with that beard", or "why would you wear a tie with a denim jacket, you don't know how to dress", or "why aren't you married, are you queer"?
I'm sick of it but like I said nowhere else to go. I'm just used to it & pissed off & numb to it all. And I hate being around people, I get very panicky and think everyones judging me & looking at me..
I think about suicide constantly except when I'm up or manic or whatever you want to call it, and then I'm out sleeping with pretty much anyone. Which I hate myself for.
I just want to be self sufficient on my own & live my own life but it doesn't look like it will ever happen. I can't get a job. I'm sick of having to live to other people's standards I am my own person & I am gay & I don't WANT a woman or children hell I don't even want a man I just want to be self sufficient & on my own & do what I want without constantly being berated & put down I can't take it anymore.
I did get a call from the therapist at my clinic today asking to meet with me so I guess my case worker gave her my number. She sounded nice enough I guess. I just have to get the courage up to call her back.
I'm scared I don't want to look back only forward I just want to be normal. I'm scared. People have really done me wrong in past & I don't trust anyone. Ever since my aunt died I don't know what to believe or who to trust she was my rock. I feel like if I disappeared nobody would care & that's the truth but I beginning to be ok with that. I hope these meds kick in because I don't want to feel anything I just want to either be self sufficient & on my own or not at all.
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RobbyR,
Im glad to see you posting again today.Please call back the therapist and try to write down how yoi are feeling.it might help you with going forward.You got up today, signed on here , thats a good sign and have all of us supporting you.
britchickxx
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I guess the meds are kicking in I've had a somewhat better couple of days. The deep depression has subsied a bit, I had 2 or 3 pretty intense rages today but that's not unusual for me & they pass pretty quick. Going to try & take this day by day. I'm on a low dose anti psychotic to see how I do with it. My psychiatrisy came through for me giving me some supplies & wrote me a note for my primary care doc so from now on she can write my meds he prescribes since she is under my insurance plan & agreed to do that. My psychiatrist is continuing to give me xanax as I seem to do well with it. I secretly ditched Paxil way back because it didn't do crap for me except make me I'll.
I'm going to see how I do day by day & hope I can somehow find a job that isn't total crap so I can begin to build a life for myself, but I won't be optimistic ntil it actually happens.
I'm just going to try & remain strong at all costs in the meantime I must do that.
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i'm glad you feel better right now, and have had a good day. hang onto this moment, if you begin to despair, remember that you CAN feel good. the highs and lows of bipolar, sometimes the highs can feel so good, the sun seems shine so much brighter. but its lurking man, don't lie to yourself. you are going to have to deal with this in life. in one sentence you say the meds are kicking in, you feel better. in the same breath you secretly quit paxil because it didn't do anything for you. what gives robby? you're feeling better, that means its working. you stopped taking them. this wont last, the cycle will continue.
NO robby, don't ditch the depression meds. paxil takes time for maximum onset. you're only just starting to feel it, don't give up now. its not a narcotic like effect, it doesn't happen in 45 minutes of absorption. it takes weeks, it builds its levels in the system until it reaches therapeutic effectiveness. paxil didn't make you ill robby, not in any way shape or form. don't give up just because its not a panacea magic bullet
take your xanax, it is immediately effective for the anxiety, and thats needed. but lets be honest, the high is nice too isn't it, so you didn't secretly stop that did you? i hear it in you man. you are going to have to face that monster in the mirror. you're just napping out your troubles, sleeping them away. they are still there.
you need to do a serious reality check on yourself robby. some hard tough love. self love if thats what it needs. or be willing to listen to someone that tells you some things that are going to hurt to hear. you're not well, and not able to see this whole thing clearly.
bottom line. and you need to believe someone that is saying this. its not just me robby, look back through the posts at what all of us are saying.
you were bipolar long before you were positive. that is a serious risk factor with atripla. a simple honest exploration of an ARV med change in this instance would almost certainly help with alot of your mental state. it will get you to a point where you see all this more clearly, and have more control. whether or not you can understand it, or believe it, or admit it. sustiva is dangerous for us. honest therapy, counseling and proper medication. take your damn paxil meds robby, just shut up and take them. don't stop. give them the time they need to help you. it really can turn around man
you need to get through this acute episode, and cycle center balance. put together a management plan, and follow it.
edited to ask.. you mention anti psychotic, may i pry and ask if it is seroquel? that is a wonderful med, if so, please give it a chance. that is the one that really helped me reconnect. i'm so appreciative of it.
and your last sentence. that is the best thing i've read from you in a long time. hold that man. remain strong. fight to get through this. you words. at all costs
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@zach I'm trying to hold on day to day as best I can. What you describe is exactly how I feel my higs are really high & amazing but my lows are the darkest ever. Like I took the Paxil for a few days & I felt so sick & nauseous on it I just had to stop it. Does that get better? I mean it seemed to me that any medication that makes you feel that sick to the point that your feverish & bedridden isn't worth it but I hear ssri's take awhile to kick in so maybe that's why, but that's the worst side effects I've eeer had & I tend to tolerate most medications well.
Xanax is a lifesaver it has literally saved my life up to now and helped my anxiety so much. I just take it as needed,
maybe 2-3 times a week & it really works well for me. I honestly don't see myself taking Paxil again, but I'll
definitely stay with Xanax.
My doc & I talked about Atripla & depression she said if I feel depressed again really bad we will ditch the Atripla for
something else but I told her for now I want to stay with Atripla a bit longer.
If I do cange ARV meds I'll probably try Isentress my doc told me it's very good as far as no mental side effects.
To your last question..As far as the anti-psychotic meds the one I'm currently taking is Latuda it's a newer one. I am on 20mg & working up to a higher dose. I had tried Abilify but it didn't work for me. I did take Seroquel a few months ago & I loved it other than the drowsiness. In fact I may end up asking my psychiatrist if I can try it again if Latuda doesn't work but so far Latuda seems to help my depression. Not sure if it helps mania though.
I'm going to remain strong that's all I can do & take this day by day.
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My doc & I talked about Atripla & depression she said if I feel depressed again really bad we will ditch the Atripla for
something else but I told her for now I want to stay with Atripla a bit longer.
Did you tell her you were suicidal? Obviously not or she would have taken you off this medication immediately. I don't understand why you are so insistent on staying on a medication that you are the picture image of a patient that should not be on this medication according to the drug company insert warnings for this mediation:
http://www.atripla.com/side_effects.aspx
ATRIPLA may cause the following additional serious side effects:
Serious psychiatric problems. Severe depression, strange thoughts, or angry behavior have been reported by a small number of patients. Some patients have had thoughts of suicide, and a few have actually committed suicide. These problems may occur more often in patients who have had mental illness.
Frankly you are being negligent as a patient for withholding this information from your prescribing physician.
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I'm being negligent? You don't know me or what I've been going through I told my doctor I was depressed. Don't presume to pass judgment on me you don't know me at all or what I am dealing with in my life. I have told my doctors everything I could. I guess you don't know what it's like to be really up for a long time then be so down you want to kill yourself. I posted here in good faith & I get more judgment & negativity you need to check yourself before you call someone negligent I have made progress in my life I have been clean for 5 years & trying to day by day live with this damn bipolar & make a life for myself. It's really easy isn't it to criticize someone unless you've been there.
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How deep does your doctor think the depression needs to become before addressing a med change? Talk of suicide is pretty deep and dark!
Quite frankly, the great people here have continually offered sound advice and support and it appears to fall on deaf ears.
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Did you or did you not tell your prescribing HIV doctor that you were feeling suicidal and cutting yourself repeatedly? Yes, or no?
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You need to be off atripla. Depression or suicide, at this point the doctor should take you off. You need to tell your doctors EVERYTHING that is going on. You dance around questions here, protecting your coping mechanisms which are not working. You withhold information from your caregivers.
Even without you saying "i'm suicidal" this doc should switch your meds because you are bipolar. I am guessing you didn't tell the doc you are suicidal, anyway. Say it. Get a med switch. If you can't get a med switch, you need a new doctor.
You are playing games with life and death here. I guess it sounds like judgement, but what people here are giving is an outside perspective, one you are unable to see, Its not judging your character. I realise you take things very personally and are easily hurt, but you are protecting yourself from caregivers giving you the appropriate care. Its frustrating to watch, because you create more suffering and distress for yourself by "protecting"...
You need to be off Atripla and your caregiver needs to know that you are manic, depressive, have an eating disorder, are cutting, and probably have a sort of body dysmorphia. Over time you have made this clear with brave honesty in this forum. Now its time to tell your caregivers who have a lot of power to make things go better for you.
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They are right Robby ... its tough love buddy . If you are serious about getting better you need to start listening to someone else besides Robby R .
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this is that hard love i mentioned in an earlier post, it hurts. you're starting to feel some of it now.
not giving the doctors all the information they need. only everything you could tell them. thats the dancing around questions mecch mentions, coping mechanisms, self defense. we know what that is robby. we know code words when we hear it. we've ALL been there, that is why we're HERE. no one is judging you. but what do you really want? this thread is a broken record, only you can break that skip. you keep writing the same thing, wallowing in your emotions. we keep writing long gentle posts to try the soft approach to convince you. all the responses are banging the same drum, why can't you hear the beat?!?
now for the brutal one. xanax hasn't saved your life. its the drug that keeps you high. you're willing and quick to give up the meds that do help you. and then lie to your doctor about your adherence. thats reckless at its highest. but you keep on eating those xanax don't you. they are great aren't they. you haven't cleaned up. you've just stopped abusing illegal substances, congrats for that, it shows you do have inner strength. but now you're hiding behind a script coattail.
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I spent years wishing I was dead ... and that ended 3 days after I stopped Atripla .
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I'm being negligent? You don't know me or what I've been going through I told my doctor I was depressed. Don't presume to pass judgment on me you don't know me at all or what I am dealing with in my life. I have told my doctors everything I could. I guess you don't know what it's like to be really up for a long time then be so down you want to kill yourself. I posted here in good faith & I get more judgment & negativity you need to check yourself before you call someone negligent I have made progress in my life I have been clean for 5 years & trying to day by day live with this damn bipolar & make a life for myself. It's really easy isn't it to criticize someone unless you've been there.
Hello Robby,
Nobody is passing judgment on you. Instead, many of us see parts of our lives, reflected in your challenges. As we began to share your issues and offer our experiences, we could have turned away from you, because at first look, you seem to be someone who likes to complain, but who is unwilling to do much to make your own life better. Yet, we did not turn away from you, because so many of us see parts of ourselves within you and we know, from experience, there are ways to better our lives.
You are not the first person here, to face insurmountable obstacles and be unwilling to admit that you may be part of the problem. We have all been where you are. Maybe not the same issues, but living the same type of life that is not the way we wish to live. The difference, however, is that most of us were able to accept the opinions and guidance of others, to find ways to better our lives and to overcome those issues that were important to us.
I wish there was more I could do for you. I know we all share that view, because if we did not, we would leave you to your own misery. But here we are, pleading for you to be more open with your medical providers, because our experience has shown us that there are many ways to approach such issues. When we suggest ideas, it is because we know there are answers to some of your issues, however, you refuse to admit that some ideas may have merit.
As I said Robby, nobody here is judging you. While our suggestions might give you pause, none of it is offered with anything more than a desire to help you, overcome some of the same issues that many of us have overcome. No judgment here, only unlimited compassion and caring for one of our own.
For you Robby, because you matter.
Joe
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I hear your points. Like I've said earlier it's very hard for me to trust people but I am working on it. My primary doc is seeing me back in a couple weeks so I will bring up the Atripla thing with her then. The jury's still out on this Latuda, it's an atypical anti-psychotic, & a new one. My psychiatrist gave me a months supply of it & I am being totally adherent to it. I ONLY take Xanax as needed for anxiety which is only 2-3 times a week if that.
And NO I am NOT "hiding behind a script" nor am I eating Xanax, that's a very mean thing to say & totally inaccurate. I have been clean from cocaine for 5 years this June & I am proud of myself for that. Even at my most depressed I've never once been tempted to use again.
I am taking a big step in the next few days I am calling to make an appointment with my new therapist.
I heard what some of you are saying I'm just in a very fragile state of mind now. Thanks Joe for the kind words & sentiments. I am trying to listen.
I will keep you posted on what happens. I am following my psychiatrist's dosages exactly right now & just going with it.
I still have a ton of anger & confusion but I am trying to stay strong & deal with it.
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My primary doc is seeing me back in a couple weeks so I will bring up the Atripla thing with her then....
I am taking a big step in the next few days I am calling to make an appointment with my new therapist.
Why are you waiting a couple of weeks. And does the primary doc know you are cutting, suicidal, binging and purging? Please try to answer this question. If she knows, she will change your Atripla immediately.
When you call your new therapist tomorrow, tell the therapist that you are feeling suicidal every week, that you are cutting yourself, binging and purging, that you are suffering a lot, and that you would also like a change in your COUNTERINDICATED HIV medicine and can the therapist talk to the doctor to get this done quickly. Will you do that?
Please stop beating around the bush with these people.
Print out this thread and email it to the therapist, perhaps. And good luck and be brave. :)
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Robby,
Please let us know how you are doing. I think of you often and I hope you are doing well and getting some help.
Just wanted you to know that we really do care about you.
Joe
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I'm doing so-so. Not great but better than I was I suppose. I went on another job interview today, it seemed to go reasonably well. I'm not sure I will be able to handle the actual job, if I ge an offer, it seemed a bit overwhelming, but a job's a job I suppose. I've been wrong before but it semed like the people who interviewed me seemed interested.
Later in the day I was called a "queer" again, but that's par for the course I'm used to be called that at this point. It almost doesn't even hurt anymore I just block it out.
I am not nor will I ever be a jeans and t-shirt person I like to wear shirts ties or bow ties & khakis with fedoras it's just my own style I suppose. So if that makes me queer I guess so be it. I've been called so many names in my life because of my clothes, my style, but like I said I'm used to i.t. Actually if a day went by where I wasn't called a quer or faggot I'd be shocked. I think on some level maybe I deserve that name calling & I have pretty much blocked it out because I'm so used to it. But I am trying to stay focues on finding a job & getting away.
That's all for now. I am alright again.
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But you haven't answered the question several of us have asked. Does your doctor and or your therapist know that you are suicidal, cutting, binging and purging?
On another note, I am sorry you get insulted everyday. Where do you live, if you mind me asking? Sounds like a hostile location, for sure. What do you mean you deserve the name calling? Nonsense, of course not. People can be jerks. Try not to let them take your energy.
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My doctor knows I've been suicidal in the past. My psychiatrist knows too not sure he knows of the extent of it thogh. Frankly I'm ashamed to tell people about that. It's hard I know I should but well you don't know how it is unlless you've been there, I feel such shame about it.
As far as the binging & purging noone knows because I've
only become aware of it recently myself.
I don't live in some remote area I live in a red state but in a fairly progressive city within my state.
Problem is, due to my issues of not finding a job & my major insecurities I haven't gone on more interviews because I tell msyelf what's the point I'm worthless & will mess up so I just don't bother..So I'm stuck with family. It's not all bad but I want to get better so I can leave.
I am told nearly every day that I am a failure & that I am queer or a faggot or "youd better get married or people will whisper & talk".
Today was a typical day I got into an argument at home & was called "long-nose", "queer", & worthless in the span of a few minutes. Then later I was apologized to, until a few hours later when I will be called names again.
I don't like living this way. But I have nowhere else to go until I can get a job & be on my own. I am also told constantly, "if you don't get a wife I won't leave any of my stuff to you because I don't like queers".
I get this everyday almost & have for years. But I am also told I am loved 50% of the time. I am angry, confused, have zero self worth & zero confidence.
I haven't yet met my new therapist she called me & left a message to introduce herself I haven't been able to reach her since but I'll keep trying.
My mood has been so-so, a little down but not suicidal. I'm trying to stay strong no matter what.
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By all means learn to protect yourself from your hostile family. You don't need to tell them all your challenges.
Yes of course you might feel shame. Yes of course society shames mental illness. But you still have to lay it all out to the therapist and I think the HIV doc or generalist, as well. A therapist is trained to take it all in and come up with ways to treat the mental illness. A therapist has heard every thing under the sun, every kind of mental illness imaginable, and is NOT going to shame you. You may feel shame, but the therapist will work with that, with anything, to treat the illness. That's the profession. You need to lay it on the line with care givers... The mental illnesses you have are not uncommon and the therapist and doctors will be very professional and knowledgeable. They need to know, to treat.
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As far as the binging & purging noone knows because I've
only become aware of it recently myself.
I don't live in some remote area I live in a red state but in a fairly progressive city within my state.
Can you clarify that statement a bit? How did you not know you were purging? Or are you just now accepting and owning it?
wolfie
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I was always aware of it but I always told myself it wasn't an issue so I continue doing it but I know it isn't normal. And I tend to do it so often that I know I have a problem with it. Look, I'm a mess, to be honest. And just trying to hold it together. I struggle with all this the bipolar my moods & being constantly ridiculed at home. I don't go in public because I'm ashamed I have no job & that something is wrong with me.
I'm taking this day by day. I feel really dirty & I feel like I want to purge my entire body because I feel so dirty.
Do you know when your head feels like it's going to explode. That's how I often feel. Just overwhelmed but I am trying to stay strong.
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Robby, I mean this in the most meaningful way possible; your self loathing is so intense that I seriously doubt we can assist you much more. You have to start addressing these issues. I doubt you can accomplish this without the assistance of trained professionals.
I started to address specific aspects of your delicate issues and then it dawned me that this would be a piece meal approach. Treating symptoms of a greater problem only treats the symptoms and leaves the underlying problem unaddressed.
We truly care, or we wouldn't take the time to reach out to you.
best wishes and hoping your heed some of the great advice you've been given.
greg
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Thanks for the comments. I'll post again when I have an update. I called the new therapist lady again & left a message since she still hasn't returned my calls. Hopefully this new one will help me. The last one I had was rather blase & never called in between visits to check on me. Nor did heever ask me to all him if I needed anything.
My social worker case worker at my clinic is also well aware of my issues & has helped me on other thins bt again she never once has ever offered for me to call her if I needed someone to talk to or offered to call me..Granted she's not a therapist, but one would think my social worker would want to check up on me now & then. But she never does.
And my last therapist, I saw him for a couple months. He wasn't a bad guy. He always listened to me. But he never gave me any advice or reached out to me. He never once offered to call me to check on me or asked me to call him if I needed to talk..Do therapists just not do that?
Anyways, my primary doc said she thought I'd like my new therapist. I've called her twice leaving messages t try & meet with her but no response. I'll keep trying.
Anyways, like I said this whole thing is REALLY hard the only way I can explain it is that sometimes I feel my head is going to explode. I am staying strong though or trying to.
I'll post again in future when I have something new to report. Thanks again.
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I was always aware of it but I always told myself it wasn't an issue so I continue doing it but I know it isn't normal. And I tend to do it so often that I know I have a problem with it. Look, I'm a mess, to be honest. And just trying to hold it together. I struggle with all this the bipolar my moods & being constantly ridiculed at home. I don't go in public because I'm ashamed I have no job & that something is wrong with me.
I'm taking this day by day. I feel really dirty & I feel like I want to purge my entire body because I feel so dirty.
Do you know when your head feels like it's going to explode. That's how I often feel. Just overwhelmed but I am trying to stay strong.
Hey Robby,
I am going to ask you to do something for me and that is to stop using words that do not accurately reflect what you are experiencing. When you say that purging is not normal, I would ask that you say that purging is not healthy, because normal is just too broad of a term and besides, normal as compared to what?
You say you are ashamed because you don't have a job, but there is no shame, in this economy, with having a hard time finding a job. The shame would be if you DID NOT try to find a job, but you do, so rather than being ashamed, you might say you are frustrated or discouraged, but not ashamed for doing what millions of other Americans are doing as well. There is nothing wrong with anyone trying to find a job, especially when jobs are in such short supply.
Lastly, I know you feel overwhelmed, but just plodding on, is not a sign of strength, rather it is a sign of being resolved to your fate. A true sign of strength is to know when we are unable to handle our own issues and we turn to others for help. It is realizing that there is no shame in asking for help as there are some things that we are simply unable to handle ourselves. Real strength involves being honest with ourselves and being determined to change our lives, by enlisting the help of those who can help us. It means being honest in how you see yourself and being brutally honest when dealing with health professionals.
Robby, your thought process is not clear, nor working as it should and that does not make you "not normal", it makes you sick. You are ill Robby, which has nothing to do with being "normal." I want you to stop your pity party and start doing things to help yourself. Stop waiting to see your doctors and when you do, TELL THEM THE TRUTH about what is happening. If you remain so concerned about how you think the world sees you, nothing will ever change.
The only thing that matters here, is getting you well. What others think of you, does not matter, because they do not know you and you are not thinking clearly right now. Please work with your doctors, one step at a time, because it can get better and it will, if you stop feeling so sorry for yourself and start taking some action. I know this works, as I have been where you are. I know how it can feel, but feelings are not always reality.
The reality is you do not like how you feel, so do something about it. Please do something about it now.
Joe
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Therapists generally do not call and check on patients. But a patient can call a therapist anytime and especially in a crisis. Patients don't generally call their therapists at anytime, however, out of courtesy, and because they can save it for the scheduled session. But certainly in a crisis.
I don't know about social workers.
I haven't seen clearly that you have laid it all out for any of these caregivers. Reading between the various inconsistent things you say, I'm guessing nobody really knows the the crisis you are in. A week or two ago you were suicidal and everyone recommended you needed professional care.
A lot about what you just posted today, seems to be saying that you feel that caregivers are not supporting you. Definitely family is not. If you are unemployed, you aren't getting any positive energy and feedback from colleagues.
The message that I get is that you feel alone and nobody cares what happens to you and nobody is following through for you.
It does seem like you could really benefit from positive, caring energy coming your way, and a fair amount of regular contact at this moment, contact that is not negative and stressful - like job interviews, and time with your hot/cold bewildering family.
Which is why the possibility of entering a clinic sounds like a good fit.
I really don't know the options for in-patient treatment. But you have been pretty honest with us about the crisis. Really heavy cycling in mood. Binging and purging. Cutting. And Suicidal thoughts. In my ignorance, I am imagining that if a caregiver is aware of all this, you could get more structured and constant treatment Very fast.
It seems to me that you are holding on to the job search and the idea of a job - that working is going to be your saviour - but you are mixing issues, in my opinion.
Your mental health must be addressed before a job is going to happen AND be sustainable. Thats just my gut call, completely unprofessional because I am not at all in mental health. I am just responding to the feelings I am getting in your posts.
I know you don't want structured inpatient treatment. OK But at the very least, you simply must lay it all out there, to the caregivers who are presently involved, and to the new therapist. No holding back.... You gotta do that because its a way that you can live with less pain soon, and eventually manage all these mental health challenges.
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Meech I am going to try & focus on getting better I realize I have been in total crisis & I am going to try & keep my goals simple & take small steps to getting my life together. The last few days I've been feeling a bit better, I've had a couple minor outbursts & racing thoughts but no full mania and I am not currently depressed either. I haven't cut myself for a couple of weeks I thought about it briefly but the thought passed a I didn't feel at all tempted to do it. I know I need ongoing major help but I'm just unsure how to go aout getting it. I have so much rage & anger & I don't know why. I think your idea of inpatient treatment might work for me I'm also open to outpatient but if I had someone to help check up on me a feel like they cared, just that would really help. But I don't have that. And my family doesn't know I have HIV or am bipolar. I feel I have to hide it.
I have another appointment with my GP next week. I'm going to tell him all of this. I haven't ever told anyone not evem my psychiatrist every thing but I know I need to or I won't get better.
My psychiatrist was nice enough to write a script note for me to give to my GP so he can write my meds for me since he is on my insurance (and that way I can get my meds & hopefully not have to worry about running out again).
I still don't feel great physically I feel like the meds are giving me some side effects I'll mention that to my GP..Not sure if he will tweak my meds or not but we'll see.
In the last few days I've realized something major about myself..I know that at least for the forseable future, when I do end up getting a job, it will need to be something with minimal human interaction. My anxiety is so severe & my self doubt so strong in unfamilar situations & around unfamiliar people that those types of jobs would cause me to be in really scary territory. So I'll have to find something where I can ease myself back into the work force, with little social interaction and few high pressure situations.
I hope I'll be able to find such a job, without being a damn janitor, but first things first I have to work throug my immense mental issues first. I am trying. Will keep you posted. Hopefully will be seeing the therapist soon.
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And I've also realized a lot about myself regarding what types of jobs would & would not be a good fit for me when I do get well..Ive realized that due to my anxiety and total discomfort in high intensity high pressure situations with lots of people, I need to not waste my time applying for customer service and retail jobs..at least ones that involve lots of people.
My anxiety tends to be unpredictable & I've found that I like to work at a measured, steady pace, where I can pace myself & not feel constantly bombarded. But my main problem is feeling judged by people, & worrying I'll screw up, so when the day comes that I look for employment when I get well, hopefully soon, I want to ease into the work force and focus on jobs where I can get used to working again & not having to worry about my anxiety getting the better of me or having some irate person ruin my day..
Not sure what types of attainable jobs are out there that don't require having to deal with people constantly or that are lower pressure, but I hope my therapist can help me with this when it comes to that when I get better.
Thanks again for the helpful comments I will check in soon again.
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You may should mention to your your doctor that you need inpatient care and also check into if there are any vocational training programs in your area that can consider your needs .
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I know I need ongoing major help but I'm just unsure how to go aout getting it.
Well your two posts, sounds like you are in better spirits. Thats good to hear. About the quote above. You don't know how it will be accomplished. We don't know how. Its the therapists and doctors who have to figure out how to help you. How to get the help? You have to ask for it and tell them what the issues are. Put the basic major challenges on a small piece of paper as a little list. Just show it to each doctor and ask for help. So: bipolar out of control mood swings, suicidal thoughts, cutting, binging and purging, anger, social anxiety, and also feeling that people are judging you, and particularly about your body.
But those are my words. Make your own list and keep it simple and direct and please show it to the next doctor you see. You are still hedging a bit, saying you don't know how, or next time, next time, or the crisis is less for the moment, etc etc.
I wish you all the luck in the world. And check in here more often please. Cause we all care what happens at least I do and some others too. I want you to feel less pain and frustration everyday and find more good energy coming into your soul.
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Consider this. One of the worst critics is yourself. Most people in the world are not judging you. Health workers want to improve your health, bottom line. This includes mental health. Leaving aside you family - who do put you down. But thats something you'll have to solve in therapy, find a new approach. Eventually of course, get independent when it is possible.
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Meech & Jeff thanks for your advice I appreciate it. I am trying to take it slow & day by day so I don't get overwhelmed. I have actually (awhile back) signed up with the vocational rehab office in my town. They do help people with various disabilities, problem is, when it comes to actual placement in a tangible job, they haven't helped much. Part of that is me, I've been way too messed up to hold a job anyway the last few months..I did entertain the idea of going to barber or cosmetology school (which voc rehab would have paid for) but after thinking it over & touring a couple, I kind of doubt I'd be happy in that type of job, where there's constant scrutiny & interaction with people.
I consider myself reasonably bright, I'd be ok with a library job or fiing, or mailroom job to start, problem is those jobs are few & far between. I don't have much to offer on paper either. There is a local flower shop here that I'd love to work at & learn the busines & let some of my creative juices flow, but haven't had the courage to check it out yet.
I def don't want to do manual labor, or customer service. I'm not sure what type of job is for me..with not much work history. Maybe my therapist can help me with this. But I have to get mentally better first before I can think about getting independent.
Good news is I haven't hurt myself lately. I have been trying to focus on wanting to get better & stay strong.
I literally take things day by day. The last few have been so-so & I haven't been manic in awhile & I am not depressed right now.
I will keep you all posted on how it goes with my GP & my new therapist when I finally get to meet her.
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Meech & Jeff thanks for your advice I appreciate it. I am trying to take it slow & day by day so I don't get overwhelmed. I have actually (awhile back) signed up with the vocational rehab office in my town. They do help people with various disabilities, problem is, when it comes to actual placement in a tangible job, they haven't helped much. Part of that is me, I've been way too messed up to hold a job anyway the last few months..I did entertain the idea of going to barber or cosmetology school (which voc rehab would have paid for) but after thinking it over & touring a couple, I kind of doubt I'd be happy in that type of job, where there's constant scrutiny & interaction with people.
I consider myself reasonably bright, I'd be ok with a library job or fiing, or mailroom job to start, problem is those jobs are few & far between. I don't have much to offer on paper either. There is a local flower shop here that I'd love to work at & learn the busines & let some of my creative juices flow, but haven't had the courage to check it out yet.
I def don't want to do manual labor, or customer service. I'm not sure what type of job is for me..with not much work history. Maybe my therapist can help me with this. But I have to get mentally better first before I can think about getting independent.
Good news is I haven't hurt myself lately. I have been trying to focus on wanting to get better & stay strong.
I literally take things day by day. The last few have been so-so & I haven't been manic in awhile & I am not depressed right now.
I will keep you all posted on how it goes with my GP & my new therapist when I finally get to meet her.
Robby that is all well and good. Its good to have long range plans. But that entire post avoids the topic which is you must march into a doctor's office and explain the entire situation and ask for help and treatment.
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anyone heard from robby? been two weeks. last week i sent a pm, but no response. just worried man, drop around say hi or we send ann and joe by to come knocking on your door.
everyone take a moment to imagine ann and joe, smiling, at your door, coming in and stuff
alarming isn't it
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Thanks for the message Zach I replied. I'm hanging in there. I got a job supposedly I start in two weeks. Hopefully it will work out. I'm going to see my psychiatrist next week again to talk about meds adjustments. I haven't been depressed any more lately but depression was never a huge deal for me anyway. I'm dealing with some family stuff now that's bullshit but I'm staying strong. I am keeping myself focused on starting my new job and hoping nobody says anything that will set me off. I am realizing that I am my happiest when I am alone, or with very close friends. It's literally a chore for me to have to be around other people or unfamiliar situations and I have a low tolerance for bullshit.
Haven't cut myself lately, had some anxiety recently but I kept it under control. Who are Ann & Joe?
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Who are Ann & Joe?
Moderators of this board who even replied to you in this thread...check the first page.
Congrats on the job. That was pretty quick to score a job.
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RobbyR,
Good to hear your news.Congratulations on your new job and take it one day at a time.
britchickxx
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Congrats on the job, Robby. :D
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I'm looking forward to my job just for the ke of having my own money & moving to my own. Hopefully I'll be able to just do my job & leave & no fake gossipy people will try and get up in my face or talk shit about me behind my back. In my experience often it the ones who smile the biggest & act like they're your friend then when your back's tirned the stab you n the back & talk shit about you. So yea I'm going to do this job for the simple reaon of earning a living for myself & that's it, and not dealing with any of those fake two-faced people who try and stir up drama.
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Ugh well the new job fell through because they said my skills didn't meet their requirements so here I am back to being a loser without a job again. I'm so sick of this. How do people expect you to develop skils if they ont give you more of a chance? I get that time is money and I dd the best I could and as never late or missed a day but after only two weeks they let me go. I'm being told I'm a loser and a failure again and they're right. I am. I don't even know what to do anymore. The meds work but only somewhat and I still have terrible anxiety and am scared of people. I just want a stable job I an do where the pace I easy and they give me a chance to learn. I'm not stupid. I'm so ashamed of failing again I don't know what to do now. I wish I could ask for a second chance but they said
we won't be needing you anymore. I guess I just didn't have the skils they needed.
So what do I do now? I don't want to start cutting myself again but I can't take anymore heartache and failure. All I want is a job I can do and that I'm given a chance to do and not screw up. I'm such an idiot. My life is crap. I called my therapist but she never answers her phone, and the career services place at my school never helped me. I mean how do you tell people I want to work I'm just petrified due to my anxiety.
I'm tired of the disappointment and of being one to others. I can't do manual labor due to a hernia so I'm limited to desk top or light labor stuff. But there's just none around.and I drive an old piece of shit car so I'm scared to drive too far for fear of breaking down. Sometimes I really just want to die. I know you're going to tell me to be strong but it's hard when you have no hope. Nobody cares or understands this anxiety and mood problems. It's awful. I get sick when I eepeople around me working and suporting themselves. But I can't. I might as well be retarded.
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Hey Robby; I really hear the despair in your post - I also notice that you are on Atripla. It is well documented that Atripla can exacerbate depression and anxiety issues for people. Have you spoken with your doc about switching meds? I know that switching meds isn't going to get you a job...but it could be a start that would make getting a job more comfortable.
JM
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Robby,
Just wanted to give you an interwebs hug. I'm not great with words, but wanted you to know people listen and care. I saw this yesterday and didn't post, because I didn't think I could say anything of value or offer some great advice. Then, I thought I don't need to. I should let ya know I care about what you're going through and hope for better days ahead.
Ted
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RobbyR,
I'm so sorry that this happened, as tednlou2 said we care about you and in Scotland we have a saying" What's for you will no go by you".It means something else will come up and will be right for you.
britchickxx
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Robby
I echo Ted and Britchick's comments.
Please hang in there.
If you can envision doing this, sometimes it's helpful and re-opens doors if you go back to the manager who let you go.
Ask if you could have fifteen minutes of his/her time to meet and get some feedback about what you might have done better. And that becomes a time to shine again on a couple of levels. You take a bit of control back. They liked you once right? It is also a time to ask if there is any other position coming open or if they have suggestions as to where you might go next.
I suggest this because something similar happened to me. I was hiring and had two fantastic candidates. Finally, had to just eenie meanie my decision.
The young woman I didn't select was encouraged at a family dinner by her father to inquire of me face to face why she did not get the job. We met, I explained the equal talents of both candidates and my difficult choice.
I was so impressed by her bravery, her family support, her pluck--that I took her to a colleague whom I knew was looking for someone. And, she hired her!!!
All that to advise--be brave, creative, and spread the word of your desire to work. The more people know, the more agents you have out there talking on your behalf.
Em
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I love the advice Em gave you ... its a great way to move past this with valuable information in tow . Best of luck Robby .
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Thanks for the nice words. I asked my doctor about the Atripla but she say it's rhe bets medicine for me. She said give it 6 more months and then see. I asked but that's what she said. I don't think I'd bother asking the supervisor why he let me go basically I can't handle any more pain right now and it wold just make this hurt worse. I tried my best and obviously it wasn't good enough so oh well. I think it was because I just couldn't do the job fat enoug but that's not how I work I like to take my time when I work so I don't make mistakes how are you supposed to do 10 different things at once and do them accurately and make no mistakes I mean damn I'm not a robot. I feel like my skills which are creative and outside the box aren't well suited to cookie cutter jobs but those awful jobs are the only ones available. So I really don't have much hope. My anxiety isn't getting any better either I avoid most situations and I'm so scared of mesing up or making a fool of myself. The Paxil hasn't helped it just makes me feel sick all the time and the Xanax is the only thing that help a little but I don't want to take it too much.
I've never reallly held a job so I'm petrified of failing and of being judged or made fun of because I grew up being bulied constantly and laughed at and beat up so my anxiety is worse. I'm scared someone will mock me or call me queer or something.
How do you overcome terrible anxiety and fear? Will I ever be normal? And I am getting really pissed off at everyone I think they are out to get me and hold me back and I'm tired of it. I don't know what to do but I am supposed to see the new therapist this week she finally answered her phone. So we'll see how it goes I guess. In the meantime my pathetic life continues. It's not fair. And the so called fake friends I used to have totally disappeared when I needed someone so I see how that is. People are full of shit and don't give a shit.
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Robby how old are you?
If you have never held job it might be a possibility that you will not get one, at least not a "regular" 9-5 one that you envision. My observation is that you really find it hard to deal with how you feel about yourself, how you fit in society, and the mood swings, and you put high hopes in the job as some sort of delivery, but your holding a job seems iffy - as you said, you haven't managed to yet.
Sometimes, its not the job that is going to be the cure. You have also been on jags about the quest for love and affection. Its only human, after all. But then you experience this as more kicking down, more rejection, misery.
These ways to deliver you from misery are not working.
Just my opinion but I think you need quite close and continuous mental health treatment and therapy to get some control over your
social paranoia and phobias,
self destructive behaviours,
and if possible, your mood swings.
Rather than latching onto another plan that is, in some sense, a kind of far-fetched "delivery" from the misery...
The mental health treatment is probably going to be difficult. I think you should consider in-patient treatment.
I get the distinct impression that you are quite underserved for mental health, and also, unfortunately, that your mental illness is the kind that further obstructs what mental health treatment is available. Because you play hide and seek with the different therapists, never really laying it all on the table AND pursuing treatment for the long term. Instead, you are pushed around through different cycles, plans, self-destructive periods, etc.
Also, there is NO way in hell you should be on Atripla. Again, you are getting some crappy medical opinion there. And yeah, I'm not a doctor. But there is something really wrong with that...
I think you need to be sitting in front of mental health professionals and making some concrete plans for ways you can feel better on a daily basis. It might not be through a job.
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I live in Switzerland. I have two friends, and additionally a few acquaintances, who can not work because of their mental conditions. I wouldn't say its exactly mental illness because they have taken the steps to treat the cognitive and social challenges as best as possible. But one reality is they simply can not work. Employers don't want them, and they can't manage the work either. They will probably never work.
Of course this is disappointing but on the other hand, we are all dealt a certain hand of cards and we just have to play with what we have got. My two friends are not miserable. They can't hold jobs.
So, one could say, they are living lives that is different from "the norm". There are many other things in life besides a job.
You should figure out what really is possible and start taking some expert advice about what is possible and not, for you. What is realistic. Put your energy into setting up a daily life that is as enjoyable and rewarding, as possible, for your time on this earth. That is what we are all doing. The losers, the winners, everyone. Try not to think in such dramatic binaries... winner. loser. normal. etc etc etc We are ALL captive by our mindsets, and you must be wise enough, at this point, to know that you can have a negative, defeatist mindset, and that is the experience such a mindset delivers. A realistic mindset, which looks for the little things that one CAN enjoy, the little social interactions that ARE pleasant. The delicious fresh fruit of the season. A walk in a pretty park. Having a pet, perhaps. Doing some volunteer work. Helping out someone. Being generous to a neighbour, or someone in your family. Books. TV. Music. Jerking off. Sleeping in the sun. Whatever. We take our little pleasures like this and try to keep the negative shit of life a bit compartmentalised, not let it run over into everything...
You can easily "be a loser" if you set your mind to it, but you could just decide in your mind, spirit, that you are a life like any other human, who can have a nice day, a nice hour, a nice moment. You can decide to have positive and calm, nurturing experiences in the world.
You don't need a job, money, you don't need a lover, you do this with your own mind and your own will. Everybody can do it, and if you can get some distance and perspective and professional guidance on your mental illness, you will find a way to do it too.
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To answer your question I'm 32. I've never had a 9 to 5 job. Partly because I've lived with family all this time partly by choice and partly because I never know any other way. I scared of trying to have a regulr job but I do want one. And btw this will only be the second therapist I've ever seen so I wouldn't say I'm "hopping" therapists. So how the hell am I supposed to earn a living? It's not so much getting a job that worries me, I'm not so bad on interviews believe it or not, it's the actual daily routine of going to work and dealing with unknown people that terrifies me. I think once I got used to it I'd be ok maybe but it's the initial adjustment that scares me.
I'm considering getting a nose job soon hopefully that will help my confidence more. I hate my nose and I ant wait to get a new one. But in the shorter term I know I can't live with family forever nor do I want to. I want to be able to work without anxiety so how do I do it. Am I just supposed to be a loser and live on welfare I don't want to do that. Mabe my new therapist can help me.
I don't have the luxury of just living in the moment I have to get a job because I have to learn how to do for myself.
As far as getting ongoing mental health treatment what do you mean by that I mean I see my psychiatrist every few weeks and he jus gives me more meds and the therapists just sit there and listen and don't offer any advice. I don't know what to do but if I can't get a job and keep it I'll really be hopeless.
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You may need to address your mental health and find ways to deal with your various mental health challenges, in order to be be employable. I am not a mental health expert as I said. So maybe after some of the challenges are addressed, you could get a job, keep it, and like it. But in your present state of reality, it seems you cannot.
Anyone of us can wish for things that would make our lives better, but they are, at the end of the day, wishes...
A nose job has NOTHING to do with your inability to get work, or the social miseries you feel. You go fishing among these explanations and causes and cures, but they are false leads. Its not about your body. Its not about your looks. Its not about your cruel family, though it doesn't help. Its not about everyone in the world not liking you, or not wanting to date you or be friends with you, or whatever.
Its basically about your own mindset.
No matter what the financial situation is, and what access you have to mental health treatment, in you state, in your country, that is the challenge you must put your time and effort and hopes toward: getting complete mental health treatment, using what is available to you.
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And yes, about my two friends, they live on disability income from the government. And that does NOT make them losers. They can't work. Its a social reality, its not a personal failing. That is the reason governments have such programs.
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Robby;
Does your doctor fully understand your social/mental health situation? The more I read here the more I think it is worth considering switching off Atripla. Please note that I am not expert on Atripla, but here is a thread that I would recommend reading through:
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=47901.0;all
If there are other members here that have more experience with Atripla and want to chime in either way please do. I just get the sense that it could be a relatively easy change that could have a fairly significant impact for you.
with compassion,
JM
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....ok, I am a little behind here, I just saw the OP's other thread regarding Atripla. The consensus is pretty loud and clear...
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Hi Robby ... I merged this thread into your old one so that its easier to keep what your dealing with in context .
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a nosejob robby?!?! c'mon man, seriously
you need to be really honest to your medical team, each doctor needs to understand the full picture. your ID and whatever form of mental health care you're getting, they need to be on the same page.
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Meeting my new therapist this week..we'll see how that goes. I think what's pissing me of lately is fake people that act like they care but talk total shit about other people behind their backs which of coure means the do the same about you if you give them half the chance..Ive realized people either really care about you and what your going through, or they don't. People try and get in your face and act like they care but when things get tough they're nowhere to be found. I can't stand twofaced fake backstabbing people. The ones who act like they care basicallly are just fishing for ammunition. Basically only a small handful of people genuinely care about you if that many..If you don't like me fine don't deal with me but don't insult my intelligence and be fake and try and fish for information and then use it against me. This has happened.
So if I get this new job I recently interviewed for, I'm definitely not going to bother with all the fake bullshit..Im just going to work do my thing and leave. People suck.
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Robby nobody likes fakes and backstabbers.
Life is about dealing with all the different people.
Work is VERY much about dealing with people. Most jobs.
It is what it is Robby, you can't wish it away or hide in cave if you want a life and if you want a job.
The key is learning how to successfully deal with all kinds of people. And get what you want and or need.
Some of the obstacles you mention to you having the life you want seem to be false. I mentioned this few times. Really it is about your mindset.
It is not the awful people in he world or in the workplace.
Not our looks or style.
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As for people caring for each other and the willingness to help.
Well I think you have some good observations there.
My experience personally and looking around me at others, in these 50 years, is that some people enjoy a pretty caring surrounding, others Ok, others not very much at all.
Its one of the cruelties of humanity.
There have been times in my life I was kicked down and needed more support and care, and sometimes I got a lot, and sometimes not.
Also remember we have personal responsibility and therefore need to care for and help others than ourselves.
I think I learned pretty early I have to care for myself, bottom line. Its not always easy because precisely the moments when we need the most loving care, our energy is low, so we don't have the energy to love ourselves. This is the worst of the worst - no tender loving care from our immediates and not enough self love.
Ask you shrink how you can learn to love and care for yourself some more. And also tell the shrink you want help to successfully manage people so they don't block you getting what you want. So you can enjoy social company a bit more and not have it be such a negative overall experience.
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I was a mess and hopeless, not very functional, one summer a number of years ago, and I found a shrink and said - please, keep me employed while we fix me. We did it! I didn't know how to fix myself, didn't have the energy, and i didnt have enough support in my life. So it is what it is. My shrink doesn't really "care" about me but she professional cares about me because that is her profession. People do take pride in their jobs. Including mental health professionals. Just like doctors and nurses, they are proud to give good care. Make people better and/or reduce suffering.
Thats why I keep mentioning that it sounds like you need more mental health care then you are getting. Those are the ones who can give us the knowledge and techniques to manage again. Also shrinks are especially the ones when there is pharmacology involved.
It would be great if you could have a psychiatrist who also does therapy, not just a prescribing psychiatrist and a different psychologist or therapist for the therapy. But, take what you can get, dear, and tell everyone of them EVERYTHING..... Don't hold back.
I dunno, but I think.... it might help if you ask them to help you do something specific... First of all, if what you ask for is unrealistic, they will tell you. Second, these people do like to be flattered, like everyone, that they can be useful. Third, it is getting at behavioural therapy and thats always useful... So you might ask them to help you to never cut again, or live without suicide ideation. Or how to accept your body. whatever.
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Meech thanks again for your sweet words I feel you do seem to care. I got a bit of good news today I got the new job I intervieed for after I was let go from the last one..Its local so it I'll be less stresful in that ay for me. I really hope it works out I'm going to try my best. I like my psychiatrist he and I seem to have developed a rapport since I started seeing him. I told him a lot of my concerns toda during our session and he assured me I can call him anytime I feel I need t. It s ver reassuring I felt he realaly took the time to hear me out.
But one thing really startled me. During our session today I was telling him about my ongoing issues with anxiety and he point blnk asked me out of the blue, "have you ever been assaulted"? I was shocked. Why the hell would he ask such an awful thing? He said something about people ho are assaulted who have similar issues as me, but I was really shocked and pissed that he asked such a terrible thing. I told him of course not but why would he ask such a terrible thing? I couldn't listen to that so I told him I'd see him next time. We then made small talk until I left. He wants me to see the new therapist lady. I plan on it. But still confused why he asked that. That's awful.
Again I'm glad I got my new job and look forward to giving it my best and I still like my pschiatrist but he better now ask me such personal ridiculous questions again. It was really weird. Anyway, my week is looking up I got my new job so excited about that.
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Robby that is a perfectly routine and legitimate question for a psychiatrist to ask a patient.
I am sorry you were shocked. What is so shocking to you about a mental health professional asking a patient about their private, personal experiences in life? That is what it is all about!
You could really use an adjustment to your understanding about what is involved in mental health care. These professionals want to, and need to, know everything! If someone has never been assaulted or attacked, the answer is straight forward no, and move on. If one has been victimised, the shrink should know.
You got to tell your shrink everything. EVERYTHING. Why am I worried that you are holding back, protecting your "idea" of your reputation or whatever.
Your shrinek (psychiatrist), and your therapist, must know about 1) the cutting 2) the multiple suicidal periods, 3) the extreme discontent with your body. Don't just present yourself as "bi-polar" or whatever. Lay out the full shebang.
Congrats on the new job!!! ;D
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Thanks I'm looking forward to my new job and trying my best that's all I can do..I just felt my psychiatrist overtepped by asking me such a question. That's too personal and the answer was no so there..Im meeting the new lady therapist this comingweek I had to postpone it a few days due to a flat tire..I guess we'll see how it goes with her. I often tend to do better with women than men, though not always. Time will tell. My last therapist was a joke he just sat there like a fool and asked me condescending questions and didn't even seem interested..He was one of those annoying granola types who seemed more interested in promoting his meditation down my throat than hearing me out.
I've met my new therapist before she helped me once when my care coordinator was absent. She's from Argentina and has a lovely accent and seemed really sweet when I met her before. I'm hoping it works out with her.
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Robby ... Mecch point was spot on . If you cant open up about your personal life then there is little to no point in therapy . You might want to consider what Mecch had to say and realize that the question that doctor asked you was exactly the kind of questions a good doctor would ask .
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I can so open up I just don't want to be asked such terrible question again especially out of the blue like that. Of course I've never been assaulted I've had a loving home who are wonderful and treat me like royalty. I'll give therapy a try to talk about anxiety issuesI have but I won't discuss such awful other things they don't even pertain to me anyway.
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I can so open up I just don't want to be asked such terrible question again especially out of the blue like that. Of course I've never been assaulted I've had a loving home who are wonderful and treat me like royalty. I'll give therapy a try to talk about anxiety issuesI have but I won't discuss such awful other things they don't even pertain to me anyway.
Sometimes you have told us that your family is cruel and cold, ridiculing you frequently.
There is no reason to discuss "awful things that don't pertain to you" so if you were not assaulted there is no reason to discuss it. You simple respond no, and move on.
However your discourse is very inconsistent, Robby.
Robby it is possible that you don't realise that your perception of your situation is not whole, at any one time. Its only human.
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So I've been doing some self reflection and decided to post my story as of now and how it relates to my ongoing mental health issues. I'm 32, only child. I have parents who always provided for me and did the best they could. I've always had a turbulent relationship with my mother. We're very close yet we aren't at all. She had me late at age 38 and ever since infancy she's been highly overprotective. I was never allowed to go to parties or social gatherings in high school because "bad things happen there". When I hit puberty I realized I preferred playing with dolls and jewelry to boy stuff and when she caught me it was bad. She would beat me violently and fly into rages. She spit on me and called me slurs. She would accuse me of stealing her jewelry at age 10. If she got the slightest inkling I wa being effeminite, she would berate and tease me. Yet then things would be ok again. And we'd be back to being close.
In my 20s when I knew I was gay and would stay out late and come home late she'd get very violent locking me out of the house, spitting on me, hitting me with brooms, punching me, scratching me, and saying "you queer, only queers are out at night", things like that..or "dont you know where to put your dick"? She would shame me horribly. Yet then things would be okay again as long as I didn't tay out late or do anything to mke her think I was "queer".
I don't get it and never have. She's not overly religious.in fact she makes fun of people like that but she has a violent homophobia like no other. I'm now 32 and getting ready to start a new full time job and she still tries to plan out my life according to what she wants which basically in her mind includes me getting married with a woman of course and moving back to a small hick town where I was born. Well if I have anthing to say about it that won't happen. I've never been truly independent I've always depended on her and my dad due to my anxiety problems and other mental issues. But I'm hoping I can finally start making on my own soon.
She always tells me "if you don't get a wife you won't get any of my stuff" things like that..its always been that way..yet I do love her she's my mother. We're still close.
But recently I'm starting to get these strange fekings around her, like feeling uneasy, repulsed, distant..I don't understand why but I am..I remember as a child she'd sleep with me in the bed until age 6..my dad worked away a lot then and so we were alone together a TON. I don't remember anything bad happening at that early age but could I just be repressing something? I'm confused.
I'm also torn I feel immense loyalty to her still. In spite of everything I know she'd have my back unless god forbid I came out to her.
I'm really confused and don't know what to think.
Just thought I'd share my story at last.
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It just doesn't add up to me..my dad overall pretty cool. I've never told him any of this nor have I come out to him but I suspect he wouldn't disown me or berate me if I did in secret..and he was never violent with me but he was gone a lot working so he could suport the family. I love my mom but why is she so violently obsessively homophobic towards me and why is she so obsessed with controlling my sex life? I don't get it. Am I missing something. It's always been this way since puberty with her. She's the youngest of 9 kids and I'm the only child. She is a nice lady in many ways and has always been there for me except in the ways I mentioned. And why am I now beginning to get these strange feelings of repulsion and unease around her? Those just started recently.
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Robby,
I don't pretend to be a psychologist but it seems to me that your feelings of repulsion and unease toward your mother are only natural given the fact that she has abused you your entire life and hates your true sexuality.
Hopefully you have discussed this with your therapist.
Best of luck with your new job!
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Thanks..I love my mother but yet I'm in turmoil. The whole thing doesn't make sense to me. I had a wonderful childhood but yet I didn't. Am I missing somethingn I mean besides her being repulsed by my sexuality? It seems like ever since I hit puberty there's been a resentful violent side to her towards me. I don't get it. Yet we get along great most times
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I guess I had hoped I would have gotten more resoonses/advice but I guess m story seems so awful that nobody has any for me. I have alot of anger and resentment I've been told my whole life I'm loved yet I'm not allowed to be loved for being gay which is just as much a part of who I am. I think this is partly the reason I spent my 20s out having random sex with hundreds of random guys looking for some type of validation that I never could get otherise because I never could go and date and have a normal boyfriend to bring home because of my homophobic family. So I went out and met guys secretly and demeaned myself and caught HIV that way. I hate it. And until I can get on my on I'll never meet someone who will love me for me and not just want sex. I've never had a boyfriend who brought me flowers or candy or justhed m hnd and told me he loved me. Never. Part of that is me being scared of that intimacy and part of it is the reality of my situation it's either I keep my sexulity a secret and live a lie but have some security or come out, and be on the street.
Don't get me wrong I love my family and they are always there when I need help and I am grateful I just wish they could love me for ME. Is that so much to ask? Why have I had to spend my life hiding myself because? It's ruined my life.
I have no friends no support. I'm supposed to start the ne job oon so that will give me some measure of freedom but ubtil I can learn the life skills which I've never been taught to live on my own I don't think I'll ever be free.
What should I do? I'm starting therapy again this week that's hard for me too I don't trust anyone especially women. I see all these guys my age who are out living free and accepted, why can't I have that? Why does it have to be a choice between being disowned or being who I am?
Ever since I became an adult all I wanted was to be normal, have a job, keep it, and be able to date and maybe find boyfriendwho loves me and treats me good and not have to sneak around in dark alleys and online hookup sites in secret because m family won't accept me for me. That's not me. I hope someda my turn will come.
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Hi Robby . I'm sure you will get some more responses to your post ... Sundays and Mondays are always a bit slow .
You are making progress when you talk about your issues and see your therapist . Its clear you are very guarded and have a problem hearing or accepting what you do not want to confront or change . If I could give you one piece of advise it would be to open your mind and give extra weight to whatever your doctor tells you are wants to discuss . It may also help if you find yourself hearing the same advice for many people to not be so quick to dismiss it and change the subject . I think its great how you have opened up on the forum and began to discuss other things that interest you ... so good for you .
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Robby, you reacted violently when the shrink asked you about sexual abuse. You really should tell this story about a lifelong of emotional abuse to your therapist to have some good discussions, about where to go from here.
First you said a few posts ago, that your up-bringing was quite ideal. In defense of the question about abuse.
"Of course I've never been assaulted I've had a loving home who are wonderful and treat me like royalty."
From what you tell now, it was not very nurturing, at all!! You got very very very mixed messages and parenting from your mom.
We can't sugar coat it. You were emotionally abused! I am very sorry to hear it.
Its natural that you want to protect your family, your childhood, your mother, from people who you think might judge, or even misjudge. Its the shrink and therapist who will help you put all that experience into manageable thoughts and feelings, for yourself. For now, and going forward. Its pretty essential that you hash this all out with yourself - which is what you can do with a therapist. Please don't hesitate to share what you bravely shared here, with your therapist(s).
Everyone deserves respect and affirmation - for example its perfectly "normal" and human to bi, gay, lesbian, but unfortunately many people grow up in environments/families/cultures, that are extremely hostile and toxic. Now that you are an adult you will have to address the mess, pain, and anger that created and find ways to reclaim your dignity for whom you are.
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I'm just trying to work through this it's so hard. My home life has been good yet it's been very abusive and how can people say and act like they love ou but yet will NOT accept you for who you are? It wouldn't be as much of an issue if I wasn't still at home. I've never learned the life skills of learning how to live on my own ever. And my family thinks if someone is on their own and not married to a woman then that means they are queer and therefore should be shunned.
How do I work through this and hash this out? I love my family yet I deserve to be happy too. I can't help being gay.Oh and there's ZERO chance they'd ever accept it that's ben made clear. At least not my immediate family. Not sure about my extended family. We aren't a close family at all. I've grown up being told bad things about most of my extended family..so I've never had the chance to know them..
as long as I'm living at home it's going to be this way. I don't have the slightest idea how to be independent either. I've never been taught those basic life skills. It's like I've been kept isolated.
Now I'm 32 and I know this can't continue because my family is getting older. I love my mother a lot yet I resent her deeply for being so clinging and demanding and dogmatic. I want to be loyal to her. Yet I'm torn up. Just torn up. I feel like I'm on the brink of a breakdown. My whole life is collapsing around me. The prospect of my job coming up is the one thing I feel I can look forward to..Maybe once I start earning income I can get some measure of independence and begin to learn who I am. Because I don't know that right now.
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head space shift
smoke a joint, or light some incense or something
listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz-sSZ2Gx2w&list=PL5EC3D9D61817C387&index=8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz-sSZ2Gx2w&list=PL5EC3D9D61817C387&index=8)
for a few minutes, engage all your senses in something pleasant. create your own reality, make it happy.
ey robby, we love ya buddy. its ok, noboy ever bought me candy and flowers either.
saw your posts, slightly racist jokes (no harm no foul, i don't think any feelings were hurt) saw your other posts, simply didn't or have yet to respond, same with many of the others around here. good stuff on cohen, used to listen to him often. and then sometimes, mecch said it, so why say it again?
thought all that was great progress toward killing this downer of a subject header, you're seeing some humor in life. light
you have any buddhist leanings? dukkha, westerners translate it as all life is suffering, and that is sort of true. thats the simple part to communicate, but what it doesn't get is the happiness that is there too
keep doing everything you're doing. take your meds, you're UD, THATS HOPE! go to work and keep your head down. trust women, their worth it.
and talk to your therapist!!!! so what if he asked if you'd been assaulted. its a standard sort of question, nothing meant by it, no judgement. its obvious that you have some wounds. help the pros help you. tell them about it.
i had a similar issue with a shrink for awhile. kept wanting me to tell him about the monster in my life. finally, i told him, the monster is me, always was. lot worse when i was a kid. took a long time before i came to terms with that. blaming drug addicted parents didn't fly, especially once i had my own monkey. thats me though, when i was in the dark.
do you have any buddhist leanings? the dalai lama wrote a book, the art of happiness. great book man, really helped me. this was before i knew i was positive. this virus, one of the least of my worries. being happy takes a little work, takes being deadicated to changing the way your reaction and view of the world.
i don't really know you, so hesitate to judge. but the read i get, whatever troubles you, it always has man. virus just added to it, and maybe gave you a scapegoat to redirect some of your negative energy onto.
no one, not here, not at work, not at your therapists office, no one has an easy answer to life.
get up tomorrow, go live loud. there will be some happy moments. remember those. but some of the day is always going to suck. let that wash off you
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Thanks for the advice. I'm having a hard time. I wish it was as simple as lighting incense but it's not. I'm struggling with immense rage and resentment. I'm going to try and trust my therapist that's so hard for me. I don't know what's going on with me but I feel my head is going to explode..I don't know anything about Buddhism..The last therapist I saw mentioned that but we didn't click at all he seemed more intersted in talking about his own philosophies than helping me.
Is it normal that I don't want to go to a therapist again? I resent having to. I just want to be normal.
I'm lucky regarding the HIV and being able to be on meds and being undetectable. I'm grateful for that. But I resent having to live my life in secret because people won't accept me for who I am. I mean that's the most basic thing.
The thing is my life pretty much always sucks. Because every day I live knowing noone accepts me for me, a gay male. As if I can help that. And my family who I live with always tell me, get married, get a woman, etc etc...Yea like that's ever going to happen. I mean are they just deluding themselves? I mean I'm 32 it looks like they'd know I'm not straight at this point nor will I ever be. And I can't help it.
I feel immense loyalty to my family but also resentment because of knowing they'll never accept me for me truly.
I'm torn.
As a result of always being criticized growing up, at home, being called faggot, sissie, cocksucker, and then being horribly bullied in school, I don trust people and I don't like myself at all. I am self conscious and I am very paranoid. I refuse to wear shorts or short sleeves because I think people are going to judge me for being skinny.
I know I need help. The meds, well they are only working so much. I'm still in major turmoil and pain. I hope this ends for me someday and I can be normal.
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I suppose you will have to make peace with contradictory feelings. Its normal to love you mother and yet its also normal to be angry and resentful because she has not nurtured her son and provided more or less unconditional love....
What it is going to take is learning to build your own life on your own terms and basically, you will have to tell her who you are, how you will live, and she cannot change you or influence you with her wishes. She's deluded. You don't have to be. Its going to be a balancing act because it very well may be, that she is incapable of helping you become independent because she likes where you are - under her power. Balancing because it might mean you will need to remove yourself from her power to come into your own.
Don't give up hope about the good that may be possible from your family meaning your mom, but especially maybe you dad, will make their compromises with themselves when you put your foot down and declare who you are, and the ask for the peace and respect you deserve. On the other hand, be realistic and prepare yourself that they may be unable to support and love you.
This is why for example, therapy is going to be essential. Because the therapy will help you to independently construct your life, and RECONSTRUCT it from the abuse you suffered... I bet you will find the power and strategy to do so but you'll have to protect your integrity, build your positive core, and remove the negative people. Even if that is your mom. Sh doesn't get to do what she has done forever, the buck stops here, buddy. Don't let her cray-cray and limitations become your own. You have the option to build your own life now. Live in reality, the way things are.
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Well I don't want to force the issue until I can become somewhat self sufficient otherwise I'd be on thestreet with nowhere to go. And I know she needs me but I need to be happy too. But sadly that's the choice. Maybe I can work through some of this with the therapist..But If I told my mom I wa gay she would get very violent and disown me and probably come after me or do something bad. But as long as I continue living the illusion that I'm "normal" she's fine. Maybe when I become self sufficient I can find some middle ground where I can live as myself and for me without rejecting her because I do love her very much. It's just hard for me to figure this out.
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There was a time when I sought my parents approval in all things I did and thought but the day I learned how to stop needing that I began to get better in how I felt about our relationship .
I had to develop trust in how I see myself and stop guessing or trying to see myself as I imagined other people were seeing me . Its liberating when you can let go of what your perceive as other peoples expectation of who you should be and get on being happy with who you are .
Robby ... I think you would be surprised at how many people can see bits and pieces of ourselves in what you deal with .
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Well my goal is to become self sufficient as best I an and then I won't have to answer to anyone else..thats going to be hard for me because I've never learned how to do hat part of that I think was intentional due to wanting me home al the time so I'm going to have to learn those life skills and it's very scary. I'm thinking about attending a support group in the meantime..thats not reall my thing but I guess it couldn't hurt..Its so hard for me to talk about myself like that in a personal way that's not how I was raised. But I'm thinking about giving it a try..How do I learn and begin how to learn how to be on my own though and support myself? What is the logical progression of that for someone like me who's never had to do that before? How do I begin? Do you think I've made some progress here stating clearly some of my issues?
I still don't want to sever ties with my family because we're close in man ways and they need me but at the same time if they can't accept me as a whole person, then that's really hard for me to wrap my head around. I've tried to avoid forcing the issue for a long time because I know the pain and conflict it would cause and I'm scared of it but I need to work through this step by step I guess.
do you think I've made some progress, being true about what my issues are though? I hope I've helped someone else along the way or that someone else can relate.
I know in 10 years I'll probably be on my own anyway but I've lived my life for others so long I think it's time I learned how for myself.
If I can get a therapist I can trust that will help..but I'm so scared about this!
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Yes you become more and more frank with yourself and with us.
I hope you can be more frank with your therapists.
You asked what would be a first step and that is something you can do and soon - tell everything you told us to a therapist.
Also be true to yourself no matter what people say and think around you.
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I do see progress Robby . I think if you want to learn to live on your on and are thinking about how to make that happen the best way is to set relistic goals so that you have a solid foundation to go forward from . Working with and commiting to stick with a good therapist you can trust may be an excellent place to start and you have been working on that already .
I think you will find there is no need to sever ties with your family . I have any friends and family ... lots of family that I do not see eye to eye with on most issues but we still love each other . I call it healthy boundaries when you can agree to disagree and still get along with people .
Its not acceptable to be verbally abused by anyone so I don't blame you for wanting to build a life of your own and remove yourself from that living arrangment .
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Well I have learned to shut my emotions and feelings down. Because almost every conversation seems to end up with her telling me "I hate queers" or "I wish they'd to do queers what they did to the Jews" or "why don't you get married cause people will think your queer". Of course I don't dare come out to her because it would get very violent and I'd get beaten or worse. So usually I just try and change the subject. But it's like she always baits me..aking me "dont YOU hate queers"? What am I going to say? Usually I just mumble, "that ha nothing to do with me so why bring it up all the time"? But she says always, well I'm just telling you what everyone else won't say to our face. She thinks because I'm young and unmarried people will obsess over me being queer. I ask, "who's they, these people your so worried about"? And she says everyone.
this is the way it's always been. I tell her I'm planning on supporting myself and getting a job and she says "fine but why don't you get a wife to support you"? "people will think you're a queer if you don't"..
This is what I've heard since I've hit puberty. Constantly. And yet I love her and we get along so long as she thinks I'm "normal". If I ever came out to her oh my god it would be awful she'd probably beat me to death or kill me. So that's not an option uness and until I become self reliant.
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And she constantly asks, "have you heard from your girlfriend lately"? "How come she never calls you"? Of course I don't dare ever speak to a man for too long in any situation becaue she'll get suspicious and think I'm being too friendly with another man. Of course she doesn't know I've already slept with men many men in fact but of course she can never know that.
I have this fake imaginary girlfriend who's name I throw out to mollify her and make her stop calling me queer all the time. Again this is the way it's been sibce I've hit puberty. And yet I love her how twisted is that.
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Stop labelling your feelings as twisted.
Its 2014, LGBTQ people have managed to live full lives, more or less publicly for many many years. You can too with sufficient strength and resolve - which you can probably build with the help of therapy.
Your mom is living in her own world.
You might find eventually that she is not as deluded as she acts. Again, don't let her contradictions and delusions cloud the way you live your life. You have to take control of your life and future for your own sake, and let "the chips fall" where they will.
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Robby did you meet that new therapist this week? How about that job lead? Keep us posted?
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The new job is still on hoping for the best! My new therapist was nice she was obviously qualified. She didn't patronize me she listened and she was very nice. I liked her. I am still dealing with a lot she thinks I had an alternate personality due to many periods of blackouts and major gaps in my memory that happened in my 20s. Those emotional problems and me havingthis personality are what she thinks caused me to have an alter. I guess it makes sense because friends would tell me in those times I dressed different talked different and wrote different. Like a different person. But I couldn't remember any of it. My therapist told me she thinks I Disassociated I think that was her word. That hasn't happened for a few years.
She said her opinion is that I disassociated for years. Well I'm not sure why and am still confused and concerned over this but I liked my therapist and will probably be seeing her again.
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You are a rare pearl as they say. How did that theory sound to you?
Robby i highly suggest you mention to your shrink that you have a hard time accepting a shrink! Also I encourage you to accept this one shrink and start working on all the issues. ;D :D
Really the things you discuss might be uncomfortable but Im guessing that VERY few shrinks are patronising or condescending or inappropriately inquisitive. If you get that feeling, it might be your own warped perception of the relation....
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I guess her opinion that I dissassociated was plausible because people told me they recognized me being a totally different person and dressing different and acting different but I ant remember an of that just faint glimers here and there and what people told me about my behavior. I think it was because a relative did some really terible things to my mom as far as talking total shit and lies about her and I had trouble with that and plus I was terribly bulied in school. That's what my therapist thougt so this "Rob" person was just a disassociation and another person my mind invented. Well that's what she said anyway.
It makes me nauseous and vey pissed off to think that I had periods where I did things I cant remember. I'm still very confused about it. I'm having major anger issues so I may not comment on this thread again for awhile because talking about it is pissing me off. But thank you for listening.
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Yes I understand it must be confusing, surprising and anger making.
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I must have a curse on me. I was supposed to start m new ocal job at Amazon Monda and the recruiter calls me today and tells me that they can't hire me because "I was a no show" when applied there months previously? Excuse me but I couldn't help having to take care of a sick family member back then..why the hell would this affect me starting Monda? And why didn't they bring this up in my interview instead of going through the charade of offering me a job and waiting this long and this lose to my start day to tell me this? This job was only 10 minutes from me and I aced the interview and the recruiter claims just because I interviewed and got an offer but didn't show up almost a year ago NOW they can't hire me because of that? I mean geez it's not like I'm some sick sex offender or criminal or something. I have a clean background but nothing I ould say would hange her mind so now I feel like a fool and loser again and once again have zero job prospects and it's looking like I never will. I'm ready to just give up. :'( :'( >:( All I can say is I hope these people an sleep at night knowing they don't have to worry about buying basic things and food and they play me for a fool offer me a job then at the last minute cancel on me.
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And just to clarify, employers in the US are not allowed to go sniffing around in an applicant's medical records, correct? Because someone tonight had the audacity to ask me if maybe the reason this latest emploer rejected me at the last minute before even giving me a chance was because they checked my records and discovered I am HIV positive...but that's strictly prohibited by privacy laws right? And they did a background check on me and said it came back fine..
I just don't get why they'd wait until the last week before my training date to tell me I won't be hired especially after I got an offer and everything was arranged.
I'm back to being hopeless again. No job, no propectsm and no hope. I'm going to try and get the nosejob with the money I've got left maybe that will make people like me more. And maybe if I dressed differently or acted a different way I'm not sure but I just want to get to where I can be accepted and to work.
This sucks and it's not my fault I had to turn the job down last year I was caring for a sick relative and I was going through major emotional problems. But why the hell would me not showing up 8 months ago still cause them not to hire me now after a second interview which I aced?
People all suck and what goes around comes around I hope these people can sleep at night knowing how awful they treat people. It's got to stop. I'm sick of it.
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Robby I think you can believe the explanation Amazon gave you, as to why they didn't hire you...
I read an article about hiring practices at Amazon. They are very very fickle, picky, difficult, and unfair about how they cull people before they actually get hired. I read they give multiple offers and several people show up thinking they have been hired, and they take the first 2 or so who arrive the earliest and tell the others, sorry, you were late, there's not job.
If Amazon offered you a job a few months ago, and you didn't show up, you probably went onto a black list. Unfortunately, they probably caught it quite late, and thats not very nice... Also, 3 months ago, did you contact them and explain and apologise for your no-show...? If you said nothing, that would NOT make a good impression.
I don't think it matters however... Even with a great exuse, it could very well be that you burned your 1 chance 3 months ago.
Try not to take it personally or to get into a conspiracy theory about what really happened. Really, from what I read, they are not good or pleasant jobs and there is amazing turnover.....
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You make valid points, this job was going to e a t a call enter 10 monutes from my residence, so it would have been so convenient but of course I know Amazon is a less than ideal place to work but now I'm back to square One yet again. I don't know where to turn.Most temp agencies seem to offer onl light industrial or highly trained secretarial. I can type good but I've tries tons of temp agencies in the past and they never helped me or placed me and just wasted m time...again I say how the hell am I supposed to get a job with no experience or nobody will give me a chance? I actually usually interview well but it seems like the universe is consipiring to keep me down. When is it going to be MY turn? I'm 32 years old have never had a full time job and all I want is a chance. And no I don't think I could do amything like retail or serving because thoe jobs are around people so much and are so high preure I would probabl have panic attacks.
I thought about going to Cosmetology school but that woud take forever and I just have no confidence.
Back to the Amazon job, what you say may be true about them putting me on a black list months ago, but why didn't they tell me when I went for my recent interview? Why would they have hired me again and then wasted my time?
It's not fair.
I don't see how people can be so cavalier and just not care when I am in total crisis. I feel I am about to totally snap or lose it. Nobody is helping me.
Sometimes I think about just ending it all. This just isn't working.
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It may not seem like it but people are trying to help you . I have to be honest with you Robby ... Until you get your mental health care needs sorted out finding and keeping employment will be problematic .
It may seem like you are not getting anywhere but you are . In this there is opportunity to address the underlying cause of your struggles and if you make that your number one job the other things may fall in place for you in time . I believe you can do this with the proper help and support .
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Well like I took my social worker's advice and reached out to vocational rehab in my town but they basically did nothing for me as far as placement. I went to a for-profit college and graduated with a bachelor's degree a few years ago, but of course the career services people there never did shit for me either. I tried and tried with them but they just didnt care. Its fine to say these things but that still leaves me with no job and no hope. What am I supposed to do? I'm completely and totally overwhelmed and I've applied for so many damn jobs I just can't stand it anymore. I am doubting this "fall into place thing" will ever work for me. And meanwhile everyone else struts around like they're kings of the castle and don't even care about helping someone out. I've never broken the law or done anything wrong. So why can't I get a break?
But it's all good because I'm about to the point where I just don't even care anymore and am giving up. Nothing's happening anyway and I'm just invisible. If I disappeared tomorrow nobody would notice or care.
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Robby what about the therapist who says you can disassociate. Are you going to have therapy with her?
I was wondering if you care to say what kind of therapy you follow these days. Exactly who do you see, and how often? Do you have someone you see every week?
Did you tell that new therapist the list of challenges? If you feel hopeless and another suicidal phase coming on, why not consider any solution where you will be in regular therapy. Preferably more than once a week? What about in-patient treatment?
Really there's no reason to be hopeless about life, I dunno, maybe great pain or hideous diseases. I know your mental challenges are daunting. And yet you have a good head on your shoulders and you certainly have determination and stamina.
You are a good person and I don't think society - strangers - are singling you out for some reason and trying to punish you. You'll just need to find where you can fit in if you want to work or contribute to society. And be a bit more steady on your feet.
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I'm supposed to see her tomorrow. I saw her two weeks ago. I liked her and I am a tough critic. She obviously had the credentials so thats not in question, and she actually listened to me. At our last meeting, I was getting to know her and telling her about being excited to start my new job. But of course I didn't know that Amazon would turn around and pull a dirty filthy trick and tell me a week before my training date that they no longer want to hire me. I see the therapist lady every two weeks but it's as often as I want I suppose. Our last meeting I told her about having huge gaps in time and memory over the years, and what others have told me about my behavior and she said I was dissosiating or something. She thinks I have some other personality.
But I haven't had this for awhile, but I never know when I will black out. In my 20s it happened a lot, but hasn't for awhile. Maybe I should see her weekly. All I want in life is to have a semi-full life holding a job, where people respect me regardless of my looks and sexual orientation, and being self sufficient. I feel totally overwhelmed as of now.
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I just don't feel I fit into any neat job boxes as far as skill sets. I'm creative, articulate, love clothes, fashion, makeup, etc, but all those job openings require tons of high pressure situations like retail, which I think I'd hate unless it was some quiet place. If I feel overwhelmed, I will shut down or have a panic attack. And I can write really well, but all those jobs seem to require massive education that I don't have. I also am excellent over the phone and with typing, but again, most of these jobs are customer service and that's iffy. The Amazon job was going to be a call center. I mostly wanted it because it was close to home. And I can't see myself doing any major manual labor at all, not because I'm afraid of it, but because due to a hernia I can't lift too much. If it was something manually that didn't require much heavy lifting I wouldn't mind.
And lastly, I want to make sure I work somewhere that is open minded and friendly to gay people the last thing I need is more teasing and bullying after high school. In high school was constantly teased, spit at, called names, punched, and beaten and nobody did anything about it. So I do NOT want to work somewhere that is not gay friendly.
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CBT = cognitive behavioral therapy = cock and ball torture. Little difference, I can promise you. Nothing about mental health treatment is a bed of roses. It hurts.
The best therapist I've ever had, and the only one I've returned to over the years, was a really confrontational beech. She challenged me at every step. Offended me, pissed me off, I wouldn't show, she'd pester me, I'd crawl back only to be dressed down again.
Eventually, her methods worked.
Eventually, I understood she was calling me out on any bullshit.
One of the things you're going to have to eventually face, like it or not. You have an unreal expectation of how others should act towards you. Most likely caused by either a traumatic event, or ongoing mental and/or physical abuse. What began as a normal rational expectation has been twisted into something else.
Air that out.
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It's certainly not been fun. I need a break the last few months have been awful and I'm just not dealing with this very well. So far I like my new therapist she seems very qualified and maybe I'll have to see her more often. I just hope I don't start having blackouts again that terrifies me.
As of now, I don't think I'd do well with anyone coming at me confrontational, as I have a short fuse and will probably bite their head off, so I think a more conciliatory manner is better as of now. We'll see how it goes with her.
I don't know what you mean by traumatic event I don't see that at all. But I will see how it goes with her.
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1x every other week is not enough.
If you have the option for real therapy, take it.
In my opinion you need much more contact with a professional who will help you figure things out. More than once a week.
It would be great if you could have professionals helping you everyday, in my opinion. At least for a moment so you and they can take stock of it all and start to make a plan.
You can't do it yourself Robby you must learn to trust professionals - to have a dialogue and to follow a bit their suggestions how to get life more manageable.
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you still haven't done inpatient, you haven't had a consistent therapist that knows the full picture, and you bullshit all of your doctors telling each only as much as you want that particular doctor to know.
until you are ready to fight, and take a beating, and hurt
this continues ad nauseum
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So do you mean see my therapist twice a week? Not sure if her schedule would permit that but I'd be open to it for now. And when you sa professionals helping me ever day what exactly do you mean? How would that come about and who would facilitate that? I feel what I really need is some kind of life coach to help motivate me give me encoruagement and help me devise a plan but not sure where to get one. I was as honest with my new therapist as I know how..that was before I had this latest job rejection. I'm being as open as I can which is hard for me.
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Robby the regular suggestion you are getting here is that you lay it ALL out to a therapist and ask for some serious help.
Zach was talking about inpatient mental health treatment, and that is my take on the situation as well.
I am in no way a mental health expert, I don't know how you would go about that. Maybe there are inpatient programs for cutting , for example. Or for body dysmorphia.
When one is suicidal one is forcibly kept in hospital, but I think its basically care taking for a few days and then they put the person out again.
Seems to me you need a pretty consistent contact to get it all on the table and start hearing what the experts have to say to you.
Just life is blowing you hither thither non stop and I think professionals might offer a better strategy for you.
Zach was expressing his frustration but I think inelegantly. Its frustrating to listen to you but also wonder why you are hiding bits and pieces from people in your real life there. Yeah, you have been opening up more here online. I'm impressed by that! Sadly nobody here can offer you the real help of course. You have to lay it all on the line with the mental health people in your life. If they knew the extent of your suffering, you would't be seen 1x every 2 weeks. It seems to me, a non expert, that you have mental illnesses and need real treatment. It is your right to have treatment, Robby.
If you ask for attention by being suicidal, all you will get is the couple day watch.
The doctors need to know the full spectrum and really at the end of the day, YOU have to ask for help about it ALL.
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zach is inelegant at best, there are much more colorful words though
i'm pushing at you intentionally robby, get pissed at me if you need, its just an honest emotional reaction. in this instance, at least it would be the appropriate reaction. thats a little of what i'm trying to agitate out of you, a response, not just rehashing over and over the same anxieties
you're showing a little more strength, and i think you're able to hear some tougher love
edit to add... robby, bottom line. at some point or another, they are going to lock the door behind you for 72 hours. you are going to have to accept that. you will be stabilized, monitored, and tracked into the appropriate ongoing care. the longer you keep playing with the doctors, whether you like them or not, its only hurting you man. i am willing to bet that some of the most alarming things you've said here, you've never said to a doctor. WHY NOT ROBBY?!?!
i was beaten hard, most of my childhood. thats what i mean by traumatic. be it physical, sexual, emotional, mental... whatever the abuse was, something happened, pretending it didn't gets you nowhere.
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Yes Robby, let the pros help you out. You're not figuring out what to do, on your own. You've been at it for a good long time, really trying...
It may come as a surprise to you. But most of us have moments when we are overwhelmed and need help getting out of mess. You seem to think everyone is living the life of peaches and cream, while you suffer in dejection and isolation. But, its really a matter of learning how to make the best of what you got, and exchanging it all in ways that fit into the system.
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I can tell you that the world doesn't have it out for you personally. I can imagine from what you said here that you have been pushed around in your family, and thats one thing. People can be awful to their friends and family.
As far as work goes, employers basically just want a good worker, who does WHAT the employer pays him to do, and well. Doesn't want complications, excuses, difficulties, etc etc. Doesn't really at the end of the day give a shit what the worker wants, though this can be better in some employers and depending on the manager. Its not about my wishes, my limits, my plans and hopes - not really at the bottom line. Its about doing what the big money needs and well, with a smile.
If your brain is in such turmoil and you are so fixated on your own limits and desires and aptitudes, its not a realistic outlook for the job market.
Also, besides mental illness, you are part of a cohort of people who have had a pretty rough job market. If your degree is from a for-profit school with little reputation, its not going to be much help, especially if you are not filled with self-confidence and can-do, which would compensate for lack of good educational credentials.
I think you have to get a grasp on your place in society and you self-perception before you are going to get much in the way of fulfilling employment.
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I had another huge fight with my mom sometimes she makes my life totally miserable. She was totally flipping out into a rage, telling me that because I collect porcelain items that I'm "a sissy" and constantly berating me for not being married or living up to her illusion of me being straight. She has done this for years, bullying me, raging at me, asking why I don't have a girlfriend, what's wrong with me, telling me I'm a degenerate..she always says, why can't you at least be seen with a girl so people won't "talk". I just can't take much more of this. Most of the time we get along, well, so-so, but at least 3-4 times a day she always asks why I can't get married or have a girlfriend. I don't dare come out as gay to her because she'd get very violent. She has beaten me many time before when I'd stay out late, she'd hit me and say "only queers stay out late". As a result, I've grown up feeling lost, confused, and deeply wounded. Nobody has ever told me they love and accept me for me. I've never come out to my dad (hes a bit more rational) because I'm afraid to until I can get semi-independent.
Why does my mom continue this obsession over wanting me to be straight? Soething I'll never be. I don't know if she knows deep down I'm gay and just can't deal with it or what. But I'm lost. I feel like I'm going to split into a thousand pieces at times.
She has had 2 brothers who never married so I'm not sure if they're gay or not but she has pretty much kept me isolated over the years. I don't know any of my extended family. She tells me constantly that "shell never accept anyone queer" or that "she will kill them all". She has it, spit, grabbed, beaten, & thrown stuff at me over the years. Yet I've stayed home to help care for her and she flips out over the tiniest things thinking I'm "queer".
Well, I'm never going to change. I can't fucking help being gay. Yet due to my mental issues I haven't been able to leave home or be on my own before. And I feel I'd be betraing her if I tell anyone..how twisted is that.
So what do I do? I love her but yet I despie her too for making me hide who I am. I have major issues. And she's never going to hange. She told me if I don't get married to a woman soon that she ants me gone for good, because "people will talk".
I'm sick of this. I guess I could always just leave home ut I'd have nowhere to go. I'd have to live on the street and I wouldn't want that. I'm 32. I guess all I can hope for is that I secure some type of employment soon and I can learn how to live on my own so I can live by my own terms..Thats all I want. To not be bullied anymore and tormented and mocked for how I talk and walk. I feel like an abused animal.
What do I do?
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Tell all this to your therapists AND social worker.
If someone physically abuses you, call the police. Including if its your family.
My opinion is you should tell your family you are gay and HIV+ and mentally ill. Ask them to help you and to stop hurting you.
Before you tell your family, please ask your social worker what the options for you are, if your family throws you out of the house. Also ask your social worker what happens if you walk out of your house, with no money for an apartment.
Also, since you feel threatened by violence, you should tell your social worker.
I think you are living in a dream and delusion if you continue to believe that you are going to find away out of this mess by a job that will NOT happen given your current state of mind. And please stop lying and hiding to everyone in your life about the hell you are living in. You told us and the sky didn't fall. Seems to be the only way forward. I say that with great concern for you, Robby. Not to be mean.
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But in spite of it all, I still feel loyal to my mom and love her in spite of everything. I'm so torn. But yet I know things won't get an better as they are. I'll never be able to live out and proud as myself around her domineering influence. If it was just me and my dad, it wouldn't matter as much because he doesn't care so long as I am trying to find work and do for myself. He doesn't abuse me. But as long as I'm at home I don't know what to do because I don't even know anyone in my extended family well enough to know who to reach out to or to confide in. I mean how would I go about that. Again, I have nowhere else to go so I'm stuck for now. I don't think dad would kick me out but if I came out or took a stand my mom wuld get very violent and I'm scared of her. Yet I'm 32 and she's 70..but she's very cunning and manipulative.
IF I decide to tell my social worker or therapist, what will happen? I love my mom in spite of the horrible things yet I don't want to see her hurt, but I don't want to continue living a total lie and fantasy. It's like I'm living HER deluded fantasy instead of my own life.
I have a lot of cousins and such but they have their own lives, and not sure who to trust amongt hem. And I have a few aunts and uncles but again I wouldn't know who to trust because I've been so isolated from my family. My mom constantly tells me that's my fault because of me not being married to a woman she's ashamed to even talk about me. I know this isn't normal...and she is getting old so it won't last forever but my whole life I've been petrified to come out to her due to not being independent and being abued so how do I do it now. She hates all gay people and says that I'd be disowned instantly if I was gay (which I am). I just don't want to end up on the street and am clueless how to approach this. I love my mom yet I'm sick of being miserale.
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IF I decide to tell my social worker or therapist, what will happen? I love my mom in spite of the horrible things yet I don't want to see her hurt, but I don't want to continue living a total lie and fantasy. It's like I'm living HER deluded fantasy instead of my own life.
Just tell your social worker and therapist all of this. Print out this thread and give it to the both of them. Their job is to help you.
You are NOT living your mother's deluded fantasy. Robby its your life and you are living it your way. Sure, your mom sounds like a horrible part of your life. But we can't be worried about her. We can't do anything about her. Also neither will your social worker, or therapist. They will help you.
Call the police if she hits you.
In the meantime, you have a right to a peaceful home and life, and you have to claim that life. Like now. No matter how nuts your mom is, its your matter to handle. Your life.
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I agree with Mecch Robby . I honestly think one of the best things you can do for your self is print this thread and give to your psychiatrist .
Your mother is not going to change to its up to you to get to a better and safer place. I promise you that if your social worker and doctors see this thread in its entirety they will be in a much better position to help you get what you need . (((Hugs for Robby)))
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Well another summer is about gone, and still no job. Not sure where to turn at this point. I am on meds, but social anxiety is still there. I was supposed to start at Amazon this summer I got an offer but 4 days prior the lady called me and told me sorry but since I applied previously and didnt show up they couldnt hire me this time. WTF. Its not like I missed a bunch of days or something they didnt even give me a chance to start. So now back to square one, broke, jobless, and hopeless. Where the hell is a guy supposed to find work where one doesn't have to interact and deal with a ton of people. Anxiety disorder is very real and very debililtating. Seeing my therapist this week again, but I don't think she gets it. Last week I had a severe panic attack that sent me to the ER. Paxil doesnt do shit but make me groggy, Olanzipine makes me a zombie, and Xanax helps but not enough.
All I want is to be a part of the work force and earn a living.Even a part time one would be ok. But I don't know where to start or where to turn. I am decent at interviews providing the interviewer isnt a homophobe, so I usually do okay with those, it's just getting interviews is the issue, and some of them don't ever pan out. Really feeling lost.
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You need to get off efavirenz (ie Atripla) and get the bipolar treatment sorted. Unhelpful docs should be fired or castigated (or both). The efavirenz is not helping the mental health issues. This is not a debating point (as others have already said). Efavirenz doubles your suicide risk. Get off it. There are loads of alternatives.
- matt
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You need to get off efavirenz
^ this has been said ad nauseam in this thread but bears repeating nevertheless
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Yes yes and yes .
You need to get off efavirenz (ie Atripla) and get the bipolar treatment sorted. Unhelpful docs should be fired or castigated (or both). The efavirenz is not helping the mental health issues. This is not a debating point (as others have already said). Efavirenz doubles your suicide risk. Get off it. There are loads of alternatives.
- matt
^ this has been said ad nauseam in this thread but bears repeating nevertheless
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kicking a dead horse here robby
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Robby - you told us about the Amazon deadend a few months ago.
How is it going with that new therapist?
Have you discussed your frustration about not getting a job with him/her? What is the professional opinion - what can doctors and what can you do, to make employment possible. Its clearly not possible at the moment - so what is the plan? Wishing and hoping and feeling depressed about whats presently impossible, is not a plan. It's human, but it's not a plan and not connected to the reality of the situation.
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I just don't know anymore. None of the doctors seem to think Atripla is a problem for me they never mention it. I'd be open to changing HIV meds but my anxiety and avoidance problems have been bad LONG before I ever started HIV treatment. The only thing that helps my severe anxiety is xanax and it's only temporary. I feel sick and nauseous constantly probably due to the Paxil but I don't know. And I'm still getting panic attacks. I'll ask my doctor this month when I see her about the Atripla but she never seems to think it's a big deal. So you keep saying Atripla is bad so what would you all suggest as an alternative? Like with the good parts of Atripla but without the sustiva part? The quad pill? Whatever regimen t is, I already have issue sleeping so I don't need some regimen that will make mt insomnia worse.
The doctors just always tell me take my meds and don't seem to listen when I tell them I'm in crisis. So what else can I do? I take the meds but I still am consantly anxious and scared of being judged.
Oh and as far as me "beating a dead horse" if you don't like what I write don't fucking read this thread. I'm not forcing you so take your judgmental bullshit somewhere else. I'm just stating what I'm going through sorry if that bothers you sheesh.
Like I've mentioned before, I only see my psychatrist about 4 times a year. He's a nice man tries a lot of meds and the xanax does help but it doesn't last long and the paxil makes me so tired I can't even move half the time. I just fee sick and nauseous.
My new therapist is nice enough I've told her what I'm going through but when it comes to my concerns over finding employment she does nothing or offfers no practical solutions. I just don't know where to go or to turn to fnd it. I see her about once a month. She gives moral support and listens but offers no suggestions as far as how to buld a life for myself.
I have no laptop so I have to drive 45 minutes to a school to even get internet access to apply for jobs and due to the gs expenses I can't afford to do that but like once a week. Yea Im pathetic.
About to just give up looking for work because I've been unemployed for 3 years and it's not looking good. Maybe I can apply to be a homeless person I'm sure that'd be easy to get. I'm broke, drive a 15 year old car, and don't have a dime to my name.
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I guess going in circles is the same as beating a dead horse ... If you are just here to vent and do not want our opinion just say so . Your situation is not going to get any better while you are on Atripla period and as long as you are taking it and still asking us for help we will remind you every-time that if you seriously want to help your self then ditch the Atripla .
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I am aways sad and angry when i hear how under-treated you are for mental health. Neither the therapist at 1x a month nor the shrink at 4x a year is anywhere in the range of what you need.
We have asked you over and over if your mental health caregivers are aware of your challenges and over time you seem to tell them more, but there is NO uptick in the frequency of your care. I have no idea why not. You seem to be warehoused of sorts.
And yet despite the bipolar moods and acting out, and your warped perceptions, which I pick up on in your posts, you also seem intellectually cogent and clever and willing and wanting to have a better life than your current state of mind permits.
If professionals have decided you are handicapped, why aren't they pushing you toward disability - where you might have a liveable income and some independence?
If professionals have NOT diagnosed you somehow as unemployable, why are you being underserved and warehoused, for lack of a better word?
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Well I mean what can I do? How often are you suggesting I meet with the therapist/psychiatrist? I'll raise the Atripla thing with my I'd doc for the milliont time when I see her in 2 weeks but don't know what she'll say. What I feel I need are coping skills and life skipps or like a life coach of sorts to help me sort through my bad times which is pretty much all the time and to help me find a steady job for myself. The therapist meets with me for an hour once a month and just asks about my feelings and stuff.
I do want a better life. Maybe there's some medication combo I havet tried yet that will help I don't know..
They don't ever tell me I'm handicapped. In fact, one of my doctors told me recently he thinks I'm quite high functioning. I think I am in ways but these awful self doubting thoughts just shatter me.
My moods vary wildly in the span of a day I can be happy, deluded, sad, depressed, and raging in one day. Lately I'm in a terrible anxious state of mind that borders on panic.
I went to the ER last week having a panic attack nd was crying sobbing in fact and they just told me, take your meds. And sent me home.
I'm fucking taking my meds. What else can I do? I dd double my xanax dose and that helped a bit with the terror, but it only lasts like 4 hours. Oh and I'm not dependent on it I only take it like twice a week if that.
I'll tell my psychiatrist all of this maybe he'll try me on something else. But what I want is to just be normal and find some routine and a job where I can start to support myself somewhat even if just part time to ease into it.
I can try a temp agency I guess but I'm afraid of workng around other people who might belttle or criticize me for being gay. I'm so sensitive due to the awful bullying Got n school that any negative comment sends me into deep depression.
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Robby ... look your doctor in the eye and tell them I am changing my combo today so help me find one . And for gods sake don't go to complera ... it can cause the same issues .
There was a time I didn't believe or appreciate how Atripla was effecting me and I was so very very wrong and this was not that long ago either.
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you mad bro? :-*
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Maybe you need point blank questions, answers, and conversations about these basic life questions. "High functioning" jeez, thanks a lot doc, but in what context? Maybe that means you are "high functioning bi-polar seriously handicapped". Your daily life as described, and your life reported over the months I have really started paying attention - sounds like you can't work. But as I said you are very much aware of whats going on and jeez it makes you suffer all the more.
No way is your frequency of therapy adequate. Is this about finances? What kind of insurance do you have? Surely you qualify for once weekly sessions, if not more than that. I personally think you need a stay in hospital BEFORE it is because you are all cut up or barely surviving a suicide attempt.
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Robby what about discussing this with us here?
Do you think you get enough mental health care/treatment/attention ?
If you don't think you get enough, how do you explain that you can't have more? Where is this blocked?
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Robby....
You are not alone. I'm right there with ya. Broke. Not employed. And on meds that aren't doing what they're supposed to do.
Like Jeff said, and a few others, do what I myself have to do. Go to your doctor and simply say that THESE MEDS AREN"T WORKING. Let the doc know that from where you sit, the meds are making things worse.
Kiddo...you are valuable in this life. Everyone here wants to see that value shine like the sun. Sometimes... we have to remind our doctors that it is their job to help make this happen.
As for the job... tell potential employers you love challenges. Love figuring out obstacles. Try to tell them of ones you've done at old jobs. As for the time in between... tell them you've been self employed but that isn't really working for you at the moment and you're wanting something stable. HECK... tell them you've been writing...trying to get a few things published...by your posts....you look pretty good at it. :)
Hope you check in soon and let us all know how it's going.
Bubba hugs!
Patrick
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Hi Robbie ,
I have just spent over an hour and a half entranced in your
conundrum .
I am more than surprised that no one suggested you quit the booze ?
It most certainly is a major depression trigger .
Speaking from my life . It started out much like yours , I was beaten
nearly every night until I was about 14 years old , sometime in that time period between 13 and 14 I explained to my father that I would KILL HIM if he ever knocked me on my ass again . Beatings then stopped . I was called every name in the book , I had a very nice mother , as yours is a wild witch :o
My father was one of the most abusive creatures GOD has ever put on earth !
Both of my parents wanted me to stay home , they offered to will me the house .
You know what I did ? I turned 16 and got a job ! When I got out of school I joined the Navy . I returned home for three months , same old same old . I moved across the country and never looked back !
Robbie dear what are you going to do if mommy dearest lives to be 100 ?
I read into your story that mom is 70 , well 70 aint old anymore . Unless mommy is very ill she may live a very long time .
Moving on to Atripla ! GET OFF OF IT ! How many people need to tell you that your mind is screwed up big time ;no fault of yours , bad drugs are bad drugs !
I see a lot of me in you , many of the people on this site more than likely do also .
You are kidding yourself to even wonder IF both parents know you are gay ! The best thing I did was to tell mine , it made the queer talk moot ;)
I really hope you switch meds, stop drinking , at least until you get in a better sate of mind . You may be living at home forever , many people do with much less drama .
I truly hope you seek help , I've been in the very dark place , only GOD knows why I never really did kill myself ? But I did not ! Life goes on if you make it .
I wish you well , Carl
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Thanks for the kind words bubba, meech, & weasel. It's a constant battle for me. I was starting to get a good rapport with my therapist. She seemed to care about me & I came to like meeting with her. And she was a behavioral therapist as opposed to a mindfulness one, & showed me some things I could do to help with my anxiety, anger, & mood issues. However last week in our sesion she told me she is leaving to open her own private practice. So I won't get to see her anymore. It was hard enough for me to see a therapist because I hate opening up to someone I don't
know. But she and I were getting along good. So now I'm without a therapist yet again. I guess I'll have to find
another one. Hopefully I'll find one I get along with like her.
Saw my psychiatrist again today he did give me some
number for therapists I can try so going to call about them and hopefully get set up with one. Although having to see
a new therapist is like starting from square one so that
really sucks. Ugh.
I told my psychiatrist about my continuing anxiety and panic & unstable moods. I've noticed my depressive states have gotten worse over this past year when in past it was mostly intense mania with major sexual promiscuity racing thoughts & angry outbursts. Lately though my downs are much worse. I'm on Paxil 20mg and have been for awhile. It's ok I guess but I have issues with ejaculation & feeling
foggy like in a sleepy haze all the time. It helps my anxiety qute a bit I guess so the side effects are worth it for that.
My dr said Paxil is very good for anxiety but he said I could
try a different med if the sexual side effects don't get
better. I do like that it's sedating instead of activating
because I tend to be hyper anyway and don't do well with
"up" meds.
I'm also on .5mg Xanax which has been a godsend for my severe panic attacks & also helping me sleep.
Dr also has me on 5mg Zyprexa to take at night. I took Seroquel way back and liked it it kept me more stable than any other med but it was so sedating that I just couldn't
function on it or I'd still be taking it.
I asked my psychiatrist today that if I'm bipolar I like he says why can't I just try Lithium or Lamictal. He said the Zyprexa is basically the same as Lamictal and Zypexa
helps me sleep but I'm concerned that I'm still having manic thoughts on it. So maybe I'll need a larger dose. I
see him again in October so we'll see. He did say that he'd be open to trying Lithium but as a last resortbecause the
side effects are pretty intense and I'd have to have regular blood tests on it.
Bipolar disorder sucks I never know when I'm going to be depressed or manic again. Luckily I haven't had a major manic episode for almost a year but the depression getting worse worries me some. For now my psychiatrist wants to keep me on Paxil Xanax and Zyprexa. I'll see how that goes I guess. He said I need the Paxil because my anxiety is a separate problem from the bipolar and has to be treated as such. I had asked him if there was a medication that could treat anxiety and bipolar all in one but he said no. So hopefully the Zyprexa helps. 5mg seems like a low dose but I hope it keeps me stable.
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That sucks royally about losing your therapist.
I asked you before and you didnt answer so obviously don't if its too private but why can't you follow her to private practice. What insurance do you have? If you had permanent disability, could you then have more choice of doctor/therapist, and more frequent meetings?
My observation is that you are under-treated and that your treatment is slow because of frequency of access. So is there a way to get more comprehensive treatment?
If you had disability, would you qualify for subsidised housing for yourself. Get a check every month. That sort of thing... ?
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Meech, to answer your questions..I had Anthem but they dropped me without explanation a year ago which was fine with me because they had raised my premium by like 50 dollars in just a few months, to about 280 dollar a month. So I don't miss them at all. Since the first of this year, I've been on a state-funded insurance plan through my state. Basically it's Medicaid. Costs are very low and reasonable, and I have adequate primary care and hiv treatment thankfully. However when it comes to psychiatric care that's more dificult.
Heres the deal. My gp was treating me for anxiety for awhle but when I kept getting worse and having major mood swings, she wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist. She recommended one that she herself had viited and recommended to me. So I've been going to him since 2013 uually I ee him every month or sometimes every 3 months.
He doesn't accept Medicaid, but luckily my gp arranged it o that Ryan White pays for me to see him so I don't pay anything. Which is lucky I guess because the only other psychiatrists in my town that accept my insurance are booked out months in advance, and I'm overall pretty happy with my psychiatrist.
However I do wish I could see him more often sometime, but that's up to me. His staff is always very accomodating when I call the office to request an earlier appointment or something. Right now, he's basically my only option as far as seeing an actual certified psychiatrist, and since he know my gp and sees other hiv patients of hers, I do feel lucky to have acces to him.
Now I just need to find another therapist I'll ask my gp about it ths week when I see her. I'm wanting to get off Atripla as soon as possible it's really messing me up I think.
As far as disability, I'm not sure, I haven't ever worked anywhere steady for long I wasn't aware I could qualify for it. But I'll def ask my social worker this week about it. If I could qualify for it, maybe I could get a check and a small place of my own to live, while I keep working on my issues and looking for some kind of work. Not sure wha the criteria for disability are. Cause even if I got it, I'd still want to try and work at least part time when I'm stable.
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Hmm well it sounds like you are doing well getting some access even though the insurance isn't very generous. I guess this means that the psychiatrist can not be the therapist - just the prescribing psychiatrist.
I really don't know anything about the actual disability benefits, but I'm sure a social worker will help tell you what is possible and isn't. When I was asking about disability I didn't just mean the technical benefit program, but also - whatever it is called when one is unable to work... I don't know what happens for a person in your case who can't work and has never worked due to a disability... I don't even know if you are disabled. I was searching for possibilities based on the facts so far related - that you don't have a job, find it very difficult to be offered a job, and never had one, so it seems after a certain number of years, this must be considered that you are unable to work, for whatever reason. So what happens then?
What does the US social safety net offer someone in your shoes? I get that you want to work. But without real intensive therapy to completely investigate and control the psychological illnesses as best as possible, is that realistic? Saying, well, I'm going to get better, and then I'll finally be able to work, and then I'll be able to move out, and so on.
And yet it would be great if you could leave your house and have some independence.. So when is it time to cut losses?
The quasi-public supported health insurance isn't generous enough to treat your mental illness adequately. Is there another source of income that can give you independent living while you continue to be unable to work, and to be under treated for mental illness?
Where do adults in your shoes go, if there is no family to live with? How do those people pay rent, eat, etc?
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Robby here is some info on what income sources might be available if you were disabled. Perhaps you can discuss these with a social worker?
http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/page10-10.html
http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/ssi-disability-benefit-claim.html
In addition to switching your HIV combo, and trying to get more comprehensive control over the bipolarity, it would be such a relief if you could permanently get away from the horrid relationship with your mom.
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Thanks for the helpful links meech they were helpful. I'm having a crazy week no pun intended, anxiety through the roof, panic, and total euphoria I've spent tons of money and other than the anxiety I'm feeling amazing today but the last few days I was having suicidal thoughts and was thinking about jumping off a building. Luckily I took the initiative and caled my psychiatrist who I really like and he was able to see me today. He wrote me a prescrption for Lithium, and so I'll be starting on it for the first time this weekend. I'm actually not dreading it either. I've never been on any type of mood stabilizer before, and anti depressants and anti psychotics haven't worked well for me. And I know Lithium has been around forever and many tolerate it well. So I'm actually looking forward to taking it and hoping to feel sane for once. He's seeing me back Monday to check on me. I really like my psychiatrist he really cares about me I feel and that in itself helps a lot. And I'm being honest with him now too which is a big step for me. I start Lithium Friday so I can have the weekend to deal with any side effects. I think I'll be fine. I just want to feel in control again.
My doc said he wants to get me stable not sure if I'll have to be on it the rest of my life but if I do and it works then so be it I know I have to be responsible for my own health and I'm glad I was honest with him about how bad I was feeling and now I'm relieved and looking forward to feeling better.
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OK I hope you see some good results for that.
And bravo for the honesty with medical team. Its the minimum.
When do you go about the HIV med change?
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Update. So today I started Lithium, 300mg three times a day. First time I've ever been on a mood stabilizer. Nothing else has helped me. Anti depressants make me feel crazy and physically I. So far it seems my good instincts about Lithium were correct, I feel great so far! No major side effects yet. And I already don't feel the urge to kill myelf anymore! It's like I am able to think learly for once, and the pain is much better, still there, but I don't feel the need to cut myself or kill myself anymore. I'm starting on Stribild too, saw my I.d. Doc yesterday and my cd4 is best ever, over 700!
I see my psychiatrist again Monday morning to see how the Lithium is working. And I presume he'll want to do labs soon to check my levels. So far the lithium seems to be agreeing with me, no bad groggy or weird side effects like I've gotten from atypical anti-psychotics. Maybe this is the medication I needed all along. Anyways, hope it goes ok. I feel good now. And not drugged and still in ontrol of myself. And a few days ago I wanted to kill myself, and now I want to live!
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;D
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So far so good on Lithium. Taking 300mg three times a day. Zero side effects so far! A bit of tiredness and a little increased urination, nothing else. Actually this is probably the easiest medication I've ever tried. Wish I'd been given it sooner! Atypical antipsychotics made me feel hungover, groggy, sick, and like a zombie and anti-depressants messed me up badly and made me physically sick. I see my psychiatrist again Monday to see how the Lithium is working out. Looks like I'm going to give him a glowing review. I'll probably have to have blood dran soon to check my levels so my dosage is ok. But I can't say enough about this medication so far, it's been great! And I'm not wanting to hurt and kill myself anymore. Im not even having those thoughts. Plus I don't feel drugged or zonked out which I love. Guess this is why lithium is such an old medication, it doesn't have the nasty side effects a lot of these others have. I'm still having anxiety, but my doc said he may take me off Xanax and add Klonopin since it's longer lasting. And I tolerate benzos very well.
I plan on ditching Paxil and NEVER taking an anti-depressant again, they're just awful for me. Guess I needed a mood stabilizer all along.
Now if I can stay stable, maybe I can start building a life for myself slowly one step and one day at a time. I already notice a difference from just a few days ago, before lithium,, I was unstable and very impulsive & thought about suicide al the time, now I'm calmer and able to totally dismiss those thoughts!
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7up the soda had lithium salts in it for the first decade or so of its existence. ;D