friends?

[CalvinC]

Another personal post -- until I get a new therapist! (See earlier post about this.)

I ran into a former/old friend a month ago. We were very close when we were teens living in a small city, both feeling alienated but ready to dream big. We both moved to the same big city, and after a few years even worked for the same company. Eventually, I went back to school, and our lives took different paths, and we drifted, and.... that was about 30 years ago.

We spoke for a good half hour at the grocery store and set up a dinner date for a couple of weeks later (which was a couple of weeks ago now). And it was pleasant enough 2.5 hours, and we certainly had lots to talk about -- she's almost like family. Yet I found that she was even more herself, the self that I had drifted away from because . . .  well, because we had both grown up and changed. Most of the discussion, I realized afterward, was about her, and intensely so; and that the dinner had been like a therapy session for her. I hardly said much about what I had been up to over the past 30 years, aside from commiserating about a lost love that paralled her situation.

Oddly enough, I found/find that despite my myriad problems and issues, my life seems to be much more open and hopeful and outward-looking than hers. I don't say this to put her down; but rather, I am left wondering how I might be a friend to her. There were, after all, reasons why we drifted apart. To be her friend again would take a lot of work, and I can't help but feel it would be a step backward. I dunno.

Strangely enough -- or perhaps not -- when I tested poz 15 years ago and the guy I was dating left me pronto and I was in a good deal of pain (despite having a wonderful support system in place), I looked her phone number up and called her. And she wasn't home / no answering machine. And i realized later that I was/am glad she didn't answer. I don't think that my searching for answers to my pain should have involved her; I hadn't at that time seen her in 15 years.

At the end of our dinner date I said that we should get together in a couple of weeks, and she was quite amenable. Now the two weeks are up. We didn't say who should call who; but in any case, I haven't called her and vice-versa. I feel frozen. I don't think I want to see her again but I'm not sure what to say to her. "Hey, it was good to see you again; but I'm thinking that maybe we should continue on our separate ways." Do I owe her an explanation, especially when that explanation might be insulting to her, ie, that I don't find her company particularly welcoming?

Cal

[Jim Allen]

I don't think I want to see her again but I'm not sure what to say to her. "Hey, it was good to see you again; but I'm thinking that maybe we should continue on our separate ways." Do I owe her an explanation, especially when that explanation might be insulting to her, ie, that I don't find her company particularly welcoming?

It had been 30 years without saying anything, and if it was me and I didn't want further contact, I would leave it and say nothing.

You both have pleasant memories of each other from when you were kids, no point in spoiling that.

[CalvinC]

I agree, Jim.

A simple explanation does the trick.

No, I don't have to do anything now, and I'm pretty sure I won't. Just let it be.

Cal

[em]

I do not know if this story might help . I found a friend I knew thirty years ago. She was the first person I told about my HIV. She walked up to me and said why are you so down ?   I said I just found out I have HIV . She asked when was my birthday? I said in about a month . She had asked if I wanted to go out for dinner I said I did not have much money she said her treat.  Thirty years later I found her on face book. We are friends on Facebook. She now lives on the west coast and I live on the east coast . I see nothing wrong with having friends. But it is up to you  how you feel and if having this person in your life .

this is just one story I am sure others might have some thing to offer about friends ?

you just do what you think is right for you .

all the best to you . 

[CalvinC]

Follow up:

As it turned out, she ended up contacting me, and we went out for a long walk, with a destination, and then a drink. It was, I have to say, better than the first meeting. But I'm still not pushing things along. I figure that any friendship we have has to be built from where we are now, not from friendly feelings of the past and who we were then.

[leatherman]

I figure that any friendship we have has to be built from where we are now, not from friendly feelings of the past and who we were then.

Thirty years is a long time and people can really change in that time. god knows I'm nothing like the person I was at 30 (that was 30 yrs ago for me). Anybody I would meet now from that time would be a complete stranger to me with only memories of who we used to be together. With that kind of distance in time, this (if this "friendship" of your turns out to be anything) would really be like starting a new friendship when you're just learning about who this person is now.

[Loa111]

I think the likes of Facebook is great for your unsure situation, assuming your friend is on there. It’s a great low maintenance, low friction way of saying in touch with old friends whom you haven’t the energy or time or even desire to meet. A Like of their new pic, a kind comment on pic now and then, & a personal message at birthday or Christmas does the trick.  

[CalvinC]

I'd agree, Loa -- save for the fact that we live in the same town and have met. But yes, FB is a fine way to reconnect but maintain a perhaps necessary distance.