POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: RyanFL on November 21, 2006, 09:20:48 pm
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My boyfriend got paid and hasn't been home since Sunday evening. He is off on a meth binge. he has no car so who he is off with I do not know. Last time this happened I had to drag him home from a bathhouse. I just do not get it. Why doesn't he care enough about himself to stay away from all that. Meth and sex is not what life is all about. My heart is broken. I just don't know what to do. I just want to lay in this bed and die. I cant live like this. I make myself sick worrying if he is ok.He is 18 and i am sick inside just thinking of the situations he could get himself into. I give him everything he needs pay all the bills my only rule is no cheating and no meth. I swear to myself this is it. But I love him with my whole heart. I would give my life to save his. but part of me wants him to call so I can beg him to come home, but I did turn off my phone that way I don't feel like I am just sitting here waiting for it to ring. Its times like this I ask my self what is the point of it all. Why keep on going its pointless. My friend Kim said its just the drugs and he isn't thinking straight. I don't buy it. I have done my fair share of drugs in the past but have NEVER cheated never ran from the one I loved. Never put drugs or an addiction ahead of someone I LOVE.. I am happy with him I don't want drugs. he is my drug. I just wish he felt the same. I feel so stupid for the time and money I have spent on him. I feel stupid for putting myself in this situation to be hurt like this. As I lay here my heart hurts so bad I just almost wish I would fall asleep and never wake up. Just a few days ago I was so happy. Sitting on the couch with him laughing watching TV. My life was so perfect right at that moment. And today I feel like someone has died. The pain in my heart is so great its almost to much to handle. I gave up so much for him. And here I sit. Alone in my room on the bed feeling as if I am going to die from a broken heart. I just had to get all this out. I am beyond devastated. I just do not know what to do. I am at a crossroad right now.Try to go on or just give up on life.
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(http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l153/aycm8620/snoopywoodstock.jpg)
keep us posted honey. be strong. we're with you
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What you need to do is let him go. People that are meth users have one thing on there mind, METH. You won't be able to help him no matter how much you try. He has to help himself first. I've been in his shoes and I know where he is headed.
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Ryan, addiction is so hard on the ones that have to watch it. Do yourself a favor. Realize you are powerless over him. You can no more change him than you can change night into day. With that comes a responsibility not to be an enabler. i.e. subsidizing his lifestyle. There are allot of support groups for such people as you like Al-Anon etc. Its going to take a brickwall for him to come to the conclusion that his addiction will kill him faster than hiv/aids and all the other things that are going to start piling up for him.. Sometimes, you have to practice some very tuff love here...
Keep talking, we are here and alot of us have been down that road and back...
Love
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Hello RyanFl,
A soft clear tear rolled from my right eye as I read this about your situation with your Boyfriend. I can certainly understand what you are going through as far as his behaviors and his actions that he has made the "choice" to take. It is unfortunate that no one can change a person. The person must want to change themselves first before getting any help. Meth does not help the situation either.
Its effects are similar to those of cocaine but longer lasting. Crystal Meth can cause erratic, violent behavior among its users. Effects include suppressed appetite, interference with sleeping behavior, mood swings and unpredictability, tremors and convulsions, increased blood pressure, irregular heart rate. - http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/drug_guide/Crystal_Meth (http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/drug_guide/Crystal_Meth).
The BEST thing that you can DO in this situation is to make every attempt to sit down with him and try to get him to understand the damage that is being done emotionally as well as physically to his body. You may even want to consider getting him into some sort of program for treatment.
I back up or second what your friend Kim has mentioned; "It is the effects of the drug that is making him do this", it is not his normal way of thinking. You have stuck your neck out there for him in the past as well as the present. By this, there has to be some sort of appreciation from him within. The main thing is that you want to get him to some sort of counseling in order for
him to address this habit.
I am sending some positive thoughts your way that some sort of realization takes place within your Boyfriend and that he seeks from within some sort of resolution in order to break this habit that has been developed.
In the interim, it is very important that YOU take care of YOU as well.
Make the BEST of each Day!
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So sorry you are going thru this. I went thru coke addiction with my ex. It is up to them to want to quit and get help. My ex went thru rehab and was clean for about 6 yrs. Then he started again. I had always told hiim that i went thru that once and I wouldnt do it again. We were married for 20 yrs. He has had nothing to do with our kids ( they are 23 and 21) for over 4 yrs. He didnt even go to our sons graduation.
I cant tell ya what to do...but I know what you are going thru...been there....and never again!
Your in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Teresa
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I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have to agree with Rod and say you need to leave him alone. It seems to me that he is using you as a crutch because I assume this is not the first time this has happened. Remember that promise you made to yourself? I'm sure you have a lot of time invested in your relationship but like you said, you're making yourself sick worrying about him. My advice is if you choose to stay with him then compromise on the situation. What I mean by this is go on with your daily life til he comes home. Once he does, demand that he goes into rehab and explain to him that the relationship is at stake. If he chooses not to do then tell him he has to go. You have to remember what is important here and that is YOU. I hope you make the right choice but the final decision is yours and yours alone. Honey, that one heavy cross to bear. I will be praying for you.
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Hey Ryan, shadows of my past...
"I give him everything he needs pay all the bills my only rule is no cheating and no meth."
Unless you give him equal / fair responsibility for the ins and outs of daily living, why does he need to be responsible? Are you a boarding house or a boyfriend?
I am happy to say my ex (hmm...) is now in a monogamous, drug-free relationship, but not with me. There came a point where I was not prepared to tear my soul apart, however much I loved him, and gave him his two feet back to stand on. Well he stood, and then walked. But, love him as I did, and boy did I love him, 7-10 days out on drugs, 1-2 weeks "don't break the eggshells" recovery and if I was lucky a few days before next paycheck became not the relationship I signed up for. I was kidding myself the good bits betwen the bad bits were good enough.
This is a situation with great risk, cos there has to be a crunch point where boyf decides to change track, whatever way he does it, and there is a chance he will go for meth / sex over you eh? But if you let it run it'll be two people's blood on the carpet.
Soz, kinda hard post.
Do yourself a favour n take your heart out the food processor.
- matt
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Ryan,
Unless you want to waste your life in this funk, you are going to have to make a decision. Your boyfriend will not stop using meth just because it's hurting you both. Meth has him in its ugly grip and will never let go without a fight. Addicts are selfish to extremes and will rob, cheat, steal and yes, even kill to feed their monkey. Believe me, I've been there. On both sides of this.
Hard as it may be to hear, there are times you have to take a stand, and this is one of those. Otherwise, he will go on and on and on using until he kills himself. If you want to try and help him, you are going to need to change. By supporting him, you are only helping him to destroy himself. Surely that's not what you intend, but that's what you're doing.
Please seek counselling from your nearest addiction support services. This isn't something you should be facing without professional help.
Daniel
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Ryan, from the great age of 51, having been where you are when I was your age:
1) You got the first part, he has to care enough about himself, not you about him, to make a change and until he cares enough about himself, there is nothing that you, not being him, can do.
2) You can't live like this. You, at twenty-something, get it. He, at 18 doesn't. But it's your health, mental and physical, that we in the forums are concerned about.
3) 'I give him everything he needs pay all the bills....' Remember the old phrase, you can't buy love? I, too, thought that I could make things different, could, at a time that I had it, insert money and change things. It didn't and still doesn't work. Essentially my and now your money facilitates things staying the way they are.
4) 'Why keep on going its pointless.' ONLY when applied to him or to you and your relationship with him. We get the importance of you which is why we are taking the time to post things here for you. And we all need you to do something for yourself: disconnect yourself from him before it gets any worse. Use the pain in your heart to get the strength to act from self-protection. Win
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Ryan,
I would first agree with what others have said. You are enabling your boyfriend. Things won't improve as long as you are shouldering all the responsibility and he is able to play when he has the cash.
He has two feet and must learn to stand on them. Right now, he is using you as a crutch. Why should he take responsibility when you are giving him a place to live, you are paying the bills, you are giving him everything he needs?
I would also add that things will not continue as they are now. They will get worse. Meth is a devil.
I cannot decide what to do for you. You must do this for yourself. But I would ask myself where I want to be in five years, or 10 years.
Are you willing to continue with this lifestyle for the foreseeable future?
The decision is yours.
HUGS,
Mark
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Ryan.,
Your boyfriend is 18 years old and full of cum. He's going to do what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. Your best bet is to back out of it now and come back in 10 years and see if he's changed yet. It will be awhile. Believe me, he has a long way to go before he hits bottom.
robert
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I know it's hard to hear, but from my own personal experience (of being a druggy), I have to agree w/ Robert. Give him 10 years and see where he's at then. A 10 year difference in your 3rd decade is night and day. You're a young guy and don't need to be held back while he goes through adolescence. There is better out there and you're only holding back his and your development by continuing to enable.
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Thank each and every one of you. I can not express enough how much it means to hear from others at this time in my life. I have thought about what everyone said and when he finally called at 9:30 this morning here is what happened.
He called and said he wanted some clean clothes and didn't want to come back yet. I told him he has 2 choices. his first choice was to come home get some rest and promise to go to get some help. I offered to pay for therapy or rehab... what ever he needed to help get though this. His replay was "fuck you if you don't let me come in and get some clean clothes I will fuck your life over." I told him he has made his choice I wish him the best I hope maybe one day he will clean up and get his life straight. And if that day comes I will be here for him but until that time I won't have him in my life in anyway. His reply was that I will get what is coming to me.
Of course I was very upset after this call. I could tell by his voice he has yet to get any sleep and was probably out of drug money. After a good long cry I called my apartment complex to have my locks changed. If I can get it together later I am going to take my phone to sprint to get my number changed. This is going to be very hard on me. I am still going to worry about him and miss him all the time. But he is not coming back here to steal from me or use my apartment or me anymore. I know he is young I know he has a lot of growing yet to do. I just wish he would have made the choice to come home and clean up and grow here with me, but he didn't. From the bottom of my heart I thank each and every one of you. We shall see what the future holds.
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You're making a very brave but the correct move. As cruel as it sounds, this is what he needs. I wish you the best and hope you can find it in yourself to try to enjoy this Thanksgiving holiday.
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protect your bank accounts & all things financial etc! >:(
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That was obviously very hard to do. I'm glad you recognized the situation for what it is and decided that you have to take care of YOU at this point.
David
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Changing your locks may have been he hardest thing to do, as it really cuts your BF out of your life.
Yet it is the only way to deal with a drugaddict, as painful as it may sound.
Make sure you come over here for support. You need some caring and true friendship.
And sadly , yes, everyone is responsable for his own choices.
Sending you hugs.
Hermie
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One more voice for the choir: You did what you had to do, and it was the right thing. As hard as it feels, you are showing more love for him by doing this than if you opened the door yet again. As long as he knows he can waltz in at any time for a shower, some food and some clean clothes...why make any change? "I can have a meth binge, mess around and, when the money and the body truly give out, run back to Ryan's for some R&R til next time."
As much as you clearly love him, it is obvious by his "do it or I will fuck you over" reply that he is just not able to love you back in the way that you deserve...not right now. It's nothing against you personally, but you had about a 0% chance of getting the response you wished for...if for no other reason than he is too exhausted, disoriented and- quite literally- chemically imbalanced right now to make any type of wise decision. He would need to get some rest and recuperate some before he could even begin to think on that level....but NOT at your place.
One word of caution: You mentioned above that you "have done your share of drugs" in the past. If you- or he- has stashed anything chemical or paraphenalia in your place, get it out NOW. Although he may not do so, I have seen this happen before: Your doorbell rings. You open it to find a police officer there because the "bf" has called in to report that you are a some big meth head and you have highjacked his belongings and won't let him in to get them. If you open up the door to that situation- and the BF then says just the right thing, like: "Why don't you check in that left drawer" or whatever...
You get the idea. Not a good place to be. People who are in his position will do irrational and damaging things. Don't mean to scare you too much, but I stand by this as a caution.
~+
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I am so proud of what you have done today and also proud to be associated with this group of forum posters who seem to be able to handle whatever they confront with such an amazing outflow of support and advice. I thank Tim for bringing up the police angle (as well as others with related comments) and would extend this: think of anything you have on your person, in your apartment, in your car, anything which may have been in any of these areas to allow traces as well as figuring out how to get whatever things he may have with you to someone so that can't be claimed, thinking of anything he may 'have' on you, such as your credit card number, your place of employment, your employer and if you do find him at your door or someone sent on his behalf, think of at least filing something with the police to cover yourself. It is going to be very, very hard to keep this up, but until he finds the next person to impose on, he is going to see if he can't insinuate himself again on you and, let's face it, the right look from him or words could make you blink which, to put this behind you, you don't want to chance. My Thanksgiving thoughts will be for your continued strength. Win
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Ryan~~
I have to agree with the other and say you did the right thing to walk away from him. I know it may be painful but he made his choice when he said "fuck you". I have been where you are, believe me. I also agree with what Thunter has said too. I have had that happen to me before but not in the case of a mad bf but a gf who got into it with my ex. Luckily when she tried to snitch, she was told they were called for a domestic despute not a drug call. It also didn't hurt that I knew the cop. ;)
Not trying to sound like the voice of doom but you must protect yourself. When druggies can't get that fix, they tend to become violent. I hope it doesn't come to that, so you watch your back. I know you're hurting but try to remember time heals all wounds. Now it is time to concentrate on you....((((hugs))))))
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Well I totally lost it but am getting myself together. I caved in and begged him to come home. I emailed him and gave him my new number. I felt guilty....I felt lonely. He called me from a private number and said he was turning over a new leaf and even went to church and he said when he got his life straight he would come home one day and hung up. well then I find out he is out in Clearwater on meth staying up 3 days + in at a time.. having unprotected sex with MULTIPLE people from a gay website and bathhouses saying he is neg. I went ballistic..I demanded he come home.. begged.. threatened every single thing possible...nope...I hate to see anyone do this more less him. he is a good kid and I feel guilty cause the hiv. And god I have so much love for him I wish I was coldhearted sometimes.... anyway I couldn't take it so I tried to kill myself with pills..my neighbors found me and I woke up getting my stomach pumped...Then they held me for mental evaluation. I just hate in on so many levels...he is just gone to meth and its to late he is just to in it..I feel like I should have got him back home before this much time has passed. I am trying to figure out why I am freaking out like this but its complex on so many levels. This is the first relation ship since I have been pos. I feel worthless like who would want me I am tainted. I feel angry. betrayed. guilt. just so many things. I think I have hit rock bottom so it can only get better I am hoping..I am trying to not get back into drinking but last night I got shit faced ..so 16 days ago I was happy and had a good outlook on life. and now my whole world has crumbled..
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Ryan, first, keep in close contact with the forum group? We have a wide range of experience here and we will see you through this. Second, I hope you see that you have reached bottom and need all the attention on yourself and not sidetracked by trying to sort out his life and your life. Attempting suicide is a clear statement. Saying that you have hit rock bottom is a clear statement. So having reached this point, let' start to climb back up the hill. Third, I hope that whoever did the evaluation gave you contact info. so that you can use what you have locally to help with this? Win
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((((Ryan))))
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. You now have your answer on where he stands, I'm sorry it is not what you expected. I know it is hard to be + and try to have a decent relationship but look where this has took you to. I am glad that the attempt on your life did not work, that shows that you are meant to be here with us. I know you are hurting right now and I wish I could take the pain away but things will get better. You just wait and see.
If he did come home to you, look what you would've had to deal with. Since you know he has been so active sexually, there is no telling what he might have brought home to you which would've/could've caused more serious health problems. Sure, things would've been better for awhile but then you would be right back at where you are now. That's a vicious circle that you do not need to involve yourself in.
I can see getting trashed when you first got the news but don't get lost in that bottle. It will not have the answers you seek and the pain will still be there after you sober up. What you have to realize is that he made his choice and you can't live his life for him. Sadly, he is on a path of destruction and indirectly he took you with him even though he doesn't know it (assuming he didn't know you took the pills). Time heals all wounds.
Lean on us, Ryan, we are here for you. Vent to us we don't mind. Cry, scream at the top of your lungs, just get it out, don't bottle it up inside. Once you get this out your system, then focus on you and getting things back in order. All you can do is pray that he gets his life straight. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk to someone, feel free to im me.
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Ryan,
Sorry to hear you had to reach "rock bottom" to get the complete picture, but now is your opportunity to make a better life ... for YOU. Pain serves a purpose. It calls attention to what we need to face.
Letting go is never easy, but in this case it is literally life or death. I'm with Akasha. Keep away from the bottle. It will only swallow you up.
(((HUG)))
You say you feel worthless and wonder who would want you now. Well luckily you cannot predict the future. Who knows what life will bring your way. You may not think so right now, but you are still a valuable and loveable human being. Like the old song says, Love comes from the most unexpected places. I know it does because it’s happened to me different ways many times in life. Why not give yourself a chance to move forward and find out?
Daniel
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Hey Ryan,
Just checking on you....How are you holding up? I'm hoping things are looking a little better for you. Have you talked to anyone yet? I'm worried about you....Please let us know how you are doing, ok?
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I dont think 'you're totally lost'as you say, I think you made very wise (and painful) decisions;
I wish you lots of strength, be strong and be well.
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Ryan fl, you have made a difficult choice here but it was the right one. Meth is a bitch. That is all that is important to him. I commend your decision. you simply can't deal with a meth head. Now it's time to protect YOU and move on with your life. I know it's hard, but you have done the right thing. Good for you.
I hope things work out for you. Hang in there and be strong!
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Ryan,
I understand your despair. You want to help him, at all expense.
I was once told "sometimes people don't want to be helped". How about that?
It gave me a nuclear shock, but afterwards it was the best thing ever said to me.
Maybe the boy doesn't want to be helped. Well, that is his Karma.
You have done the right thing. Come to the Forum and call on your numerous friends and family here.
It must have looked as if killing yourself was the only answer to this all.
You kill all the pain then, but also the chance to learn from this experience.
You have showed yourself as a passionate, altruistic, caring person. Now talking about being a wonderfull companion for somebody out there, that you have not yet met? Energies Ryan... just ask for connections.
Now, I send you warm hugs and I thank the neighbours for having found you...
Hug
Hermie
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As for Meth addiction (well any addiction really) I once heard someone say something that I found wise and profound:
Never love something that can't love you back.
Helps put many things in perspective for me.
Daniel
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Hey Ryan,
Tough times I know. You've been on a roller coaster, now it's heading up.
A few things to note:
1) It's better to be alone (and yes sometimes lonely), than to be with someone who is bad to you and for you.
2) Keep writing us and talk to whomever the health services may have referred you to - you have a lot to talk about.
3)You're not tainted or damaged, you're a valuable person who is loved. HIV is a challenge that makes us stronger.
I think you're doing what you need to do and accept a big hug from me in support.
Razorbill
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I just gotta give this a bump because Ryan really needs us. Ryan, I hope you are reading this and see how much we love you and care about you.... :-*
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hi Ryan,
Just checking to see how you are doing today?
Just be yourself. Even if that means that you miss your boyfriend after all what you have read on here.
You will make it. Give it time and love yourself in the meantime.
hug
Hermie
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Ryan, mand...We are with you, this is painful, this is sad, but we are with you ok?
Loving is a pain....I know it first hand... But keep on it. You did the right thing....
Alex
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Daniel Mark: "Never love something that can't love you back."
This is deep!!!!! Ryan....if he is a meth addict he cannot love you. The space in his mind where loving you should be, is taken up by his need to get high.
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Well actually, I take that to mean don't love things that can't love you back (money, drugs, alcohol, material possessions, and so on), more than a person. Of course a person may not be able to either, but I don't think that was the original intention.
Daniel
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Ryan, maybe you should take a good, long hard look at why you feel the need to abuse yourself like this. People self destruct in a myriad of ways. Your boyfriends is clearly drugs. Some people use food, others cut themselves. You seem to self destruct by putting yourself in situations with people you know are going to destroy you. Stop thinking about him, start thinking about you and why you're doing this. Is your life's past filled with wounded birds that you tried to fix? your refusal to leave him sounds like you've probably had problems with people like him before, be it emotional vampires or others who have taken advantage of you in other ways.
What he does is his decision and it is his responsibility alone to deal with the consequences. It is also the responsibility of the people he has sex with to protect themselves and if they don't, well they are making beds that they will have to lie in. Not really fair but the neither is life.
What you do is also your decision and you need to take responsibility for your actions. You said it yourself, he is like your drug, maybe it's time to check into rehab. No one puts themself through what you are putting yourself through unless they too, have issues that need to be addressed. Letting someone else drive you to the brink of suicide is not the hallmark of a stable mind. No one who truly thinks they are worth anything puts themself into the position that you have put yourself in. Perhaps it's time to stop concentrating on finding him help and start getting some for yourself. You are what matters. It's time you realize that.
You said he was a good kid. Well, from what you've described I would disagree. Maybe he was, maybe he will be again but at the moment he is far from good - putting others at risk for HIV, stealing, generally being as selfish as he possibly could. The only thing in life that counts are your actions. He sounds like a bastard. You are not his parent, therefore you are free to cut him loose and walk away.
Perhaps you should also look at reporting him to whatever health agency is responsible for your area. I know that doing what he's doing in bath houses is illegal in Canada and I'm pretty sure it is in the states as well. In the very least it takes some of the responsibility off your shoulders and makes the appropriate agencies aware that he is a serious public health risk.
I know you will find the strength to do what you need to do.
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Has anyone heard from Ryan? He has not been on since Tuesday :-\
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You can only love them. If they don't love themselves you have to be strong and let them go. I understand your pain. My ex is an alcoholic. I love him very much, but I've got enough to deal with right now. I've been there for him, took him to rehab three times. He is still drinking. I have to worry about me right now. I'll be there for him when he is ready.
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Pain is good. It means that you are alive. Heart pain, well, I am glad you feel for him but he has a problem. Kim may be right. You must remember that not everyone is the same. He may not be strong enough spiritally, or mentally to fight the addiction. He may need alot of strenght for all sort of sources to help him fight this incerdible battle of sex and drug addiction. First off, help yourself first. You must be healthy mentally and physical. Then if you are in good mind than you can decide to help him. Remember, he may love you but the addiction has it ways around you. He does not think of you while in his trance so it is not an in your face thing. If it were me I would have a heart to heart and help step by step to overcome his problem. That is if he wishes to overcome it. And remember this is not a quick fix or and overnight thing. Think days, weeks, months and years. Life never was easy, but if you think he is worth your love, than finds ways to help him. Otherwise, leave him. Life is also full of hard choices.
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Hello Ryan,
There is a REASON that you made this initial post on this topic. That very REASON was for you to obtain some sort of guidance to get through this current situation that you are in. You took the first step by reaching out to the members here on the forum and we responded back to you with suggestive support in order to HELP you.
It is clearly understood that this is quite an emotional battle that you are in the midst of right now. It is unfortunate that one of the emotions that are involved here is pain. It is a very tough position to be in when you care so much for someone else and they do not even give you the reflection back of caring just as well. When you initially turned him away and had the locks changed, and changed your cell number, that sent a very clear message out to him.
Based on your response back to him, he then took the route in order to play mind games with you. In this emotional state-of-mind, your mind will tend to also play games with you. Based on his responses concerning church and such, somewhere along the lines he had sat down even if it was just for a moment to think about it. His main motive was to get you back into his world, or to get his crutch back underneath him. It is a very uncomfortable feeling when the rug is pulled from underneath you. In fact, with some, it makes them think. Long and hard.
As the others have mentioned, the BEST thing that YOU can do right now is to focus on YOU. It is clear that this entire experience has affected your life in one way or the other. Please do keep this in mind, in this very situation, you are not dealing with an ordinary human being's processes of thought. Your BF's thoughts have been chemically altered and you are dealing with an entity which is entirely different. He has to want to HELP himself. Until he does this, there is nothing that you can do.
It is tough, you DO have that inner strength within you and this very forum to HELP you through this experience in this life. Do what you can in order to get past the pain. Once you are past it, then it is a completely different ballgame. Talk to your counselor, talk with us, reach out and get as much support as you can in order to HELP you. Forget about your BF and focus your thoughts on YOU.
We are here to HELP you and to assist YOU. This is one of our purposes here on the forums.
I am sending positive thoughts your way as well as prayers for the BEST outcome of your situation.
Happy Holidays!
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Well actually, I take that to mean don't love things that can't love you back (money, drugs, alcohol, material possessions, and so on), more than a person. Of course a person may not be able to either, but I don't think that was the original intention.
Daniel
I knew ;D :) :D
teehee - but thanks for clarifying ;D