Social Anxiety

[Cpt.Mauzer]

I just tested poz earlier this month (won't find out my numbers/start meds till next week).  All things considered, I feel like I'm doing a pretty damn good job at holding things together with the exception of interacting with others in a casual environment.

To make a very long and over-personal story much shorter:
I was bullied in junior high, went through a years of depression/social anxiety.  I suffered in silence and over the past 5 years and have slowly rebuilt myself (I'm 21 btw...probably a good thing to note  ).  Anyways, I've become quite well at fending off negativity and generally I have been keeping a positive mindset.  However, I went out to a gay bar this past weekend and I was just instantly overwhelmed with this depressive wave.

On top of me generally being shy and not wanting to talk to new people, I felt like I was below everyone else at this bar...like I shouldn't have been there at all.  I wasn't looking to meet anyone, as was just spending the night with a friend who was visiting from out of state, but I couldn't help to feel this way regardless.  Ultimately we left the bar some hours later and I had not talked to a single person the entire time. 

I guess what i'm asking is...if any of you have felt this way, any tips for getting over it?  I know a lot of it will come with time, but at the moment I feel as though the label "damaged goods" is printed on my forehead for any potential romantic interest to see.

[Jeff G]

Hi Cpt . You are not alone in feeling the way you do , believe it or not I can still remember what I felt when I first diagnosed , I'm 51 and have been HIV positive for 30 years .

Simply put , I felt like damaged goods for sometime after I was diagnosed . I was concerned that no one would want to be with me on many different levels but I was wrong .

Its understandable that you feel conflicted because you haven't had time to completely process what has happened to you ... I would recommend counseling or therapy , its also a good thing you joined us here so that you can give and get support anytime you feel you want or need it , we will always be here , that's a promise .

Cut yourself a break buddy and know that Rome wasn't built in a day and its going to get better for you in time . I will move this thread out of the mental health forum if you ask me too , what you are going through is something most all of us have been through and that comes with living with HIV .   

[Cpt.Mauzer]

Hey Jeff, thanks for the response, I just kind of dropped this thread here since it seemed most applicable (sorry if it isn't?).  I've actually been wanting to go to therapy for a number of years, but it just hasn't been possible (my parents belong to that group of people that think depression is some made up...thing and therapy is a scam).

On a positive note, however, in two months I'm moving out of my house and going to a university that offers extensive therapy for their students (and fully intend to utilize it). 

[Jeff G]

Hey Jeff, thanks for the response, I just kind of dropped this thread here since it seemed most applicable (sorry if it isn't?).  I've actually been wanting to go to therapy for a number of years, but it just hasn't been possible (my parents belong to that group of people that think depression is some made up...thing and therapy is a scam).

On a positive note, however, in two months I'm moving out of my house and going to a university that offers extensive therapy for their students (and fully intend to utilize it). 

Your thread is fine right here , I should have been more clear about what I was thinking and that's how you are feeling is very much in line with something most all of us deal with that live with HIV .

Kudos for you wanting to address depression issues and get into therapy , it sometimes takes a person a lifetime to get help for mental health issues . I did what many people do and that's live far too long with unaddressed mental health issues , sure wish I had handled it when I was your age .

Any way , welcome to the forums and cant wait to hear more from you .

[mitch777]

Hey Cpt.,

Couldn't have said it better than Jeff.
Just wanted to welcome you here!

m.