I had mixed feelings: when it happened I hated him and I blamed myself.
Hated him because before we started dating we had the HIV/AIDS discussion. I had just had my tests and I was negative. He told me he was negative too ...turns out he lied, because he infected someone else he dated before me...and I only found out too late.
Blamed myself for believing and trusting him...and for getting infected. I fully accept my responsibility here. Takes two to tangle. I should have still used protection all the times we had sex, but I got comfortable and blinded after a while...and here I am today, 8 years pos.
Almost 8 years down the road, I have no idea where he is...and I don't even want to know. Wherever he is, I hope he is able to forgive himself for what he did. I hope he has not infected others. When I confronted him he claimed he was negative....Guess he thinks I infected myself!
I have forgiven myself for being stupid, I have picked up my life and I have moved on.
Karry
tanp:
I totally forgive the person that infected me with HIV. I believe that it is so easy to forgive him because I made the decision to be with him. I knew he was an addict and married and continued to sleep with him. I made a choice at 19 years old, not to value my life as I should. So yes, I forgive him and at times am very disappointed with myself. I could understand why others, who did not have the knowledge that I had, could have trouble with forgiving.
Daffodil:
Hi, I rarely come here as mostly I deal with hiv on my own and it causes me few problems, although I find great comfort here when I need to feel how others are coping with this and am really grateful that it exists. Only 2 friends know about my situation, but it's not really discussed because it doesn't really affect my daily life. It seems that I may be a controller and therefore will hopefully not have to take meds, so other than the twice a year bloods followed by the twice a year doctor (free as I'm in the UK) I largely ignore it, and count myself one of the lucky ones (if you have to have this virus...) I got it from my husband, now ex, who seemed to think that working away for long periods of time allowed him to have sex outside of what I had thought was a happy marriage. I have a great team at the hospital and normally everything goes to plan. Today however there was a mix up over days and the specialist nurse, my rock, bordering on friend, who I have known from Day 1 (6 years ago) wasn't there. I decided to wait for someone else but there is an issue with timing for bloods to leave with the van, finding someone who could look at my notes, and not wanting to speak to the staff about my problem in front of the other people there, who were largely young people, (I am in my 50s), possibly friends of my children, there for the "drop in" session, some who were laughing together about the sexual antics that had caused them to be there in the first place. Which leads to how I feel about how the person who gave it to me. Normally I am ambivilent about him. I don't hate him, the hiv wasn't the only reason we separated in the end, and I feel that being angry all the time won't change anything and is wasted energy. As I said, being a controller and in the UK, and having found a neg and lovely partner, I know I am much luckier than many people in the world. Today though the anger came through from nowhere and with a vengeance. I spent 45 minutes in the waiting room with a lot of people who by their own admission were there because of their own actions (and I'm not judging) and I feel so angry that because he had no self control I now have to walk down the long corridor with the signs marked "Sexual Health" and in through that door. I feel humiliated, I live in constant fear that I will bump into people I know (the hospital is local), I can't even bring myself to speak to the reception staff about my situation. I hate it. I hate it so much. I have to lie to my friends at work about where I'm going, and I hate that too. If he had to had sex why couldn't he have done the responsible thing and used a condom? In the end I couldn't wait any longer, I made my excuses and made it back to my car before dissolving into huge, gasping tears until I could barely breathe, just thinking how much I hate, hate, hate what he's done to me. I went between hating him and just hating what he's done, and I sat in that car park and howled. I wanted to call him right then and just say, this is what you've reduced me to. I have to make excuses to friends in my life, I have to wear long sleeves in the summer which looks wierd, to cover the bruises if bloods have been difficult, I have to make sure I have removed the little round plaster in case my inquisitive children ask what that was for and then have to lie again. I am not a liar, and he has turned me into one. While I don't think it effects me I do think that it is in the background. I have to hide the condoms that my partner and I use in case my children spot them - why would a post menapausal women in a steady relationsihip use condoms? And then there is the condoms themselves - a necessary evil but I hate them too. We never used them during our marriage, but I have been condemned to using them now, as has my very understanding partner, but my husband took away the spontiniety of sex. I feel that he has caused some of my vibrancy to be hidden by the constant subconciousness of watching what I say and do. So I don't hate him as such, even while I was howling in my car, but I absolutely, totally hate what he has done to me through selfishness. So actually, maybe today I do hate a bit of him.
Daffodil:
Sorry, that was a bit long! I was feeling really desperate, sad and very low. Better now... I realise I only answered half of the question. I don't forgive him for not using protection when he was having sex with the other woman/women. That was completely irresponsible, thoughtless and selfish. But I suppose that I do forgive him for passing it to me as he didn't know that he had it until he became very ill. And he is still so much in denial that he still has no idea why I divorced him! Difficult to hold anger at someone who can't even see why you're angry with them!
Amber34:
I don't forgive the person who infected me because they have nothing to be forgiven for. That may sound crazy, but I chose to sleep with them repeatedly without protection and without any kind of testing. I did this with the knowledge that they had performed risky behavior in their past and he was totally honest about that with me. I also did this without being in an exclusive relationship with him. He did not know he was infected and told me immediately when he found out. I have to take responsibility for the decisions I made and the results that they bore. Any anger I dealt with was directed toward myself. As far as how I feel about the man that infected me, I wish him health and happiness, the same things I want for myself. Sorry if this sounds preachy, that was not what I was going for.