How long?

[CcksInMyMth]

I'm thinking about visiting a guy I met on Adam 4 Adam tomorrow. He's told me he's undetectable. That's pretty much the sole purpose for my wanting to visit and have sex with him. I want to be infected. I'm depressed and anxious, I've been conditioned over the last ten years to believe I never have to work. Due to my collecting SSD. I've reached a point in my life where I truly don't believe that I can ever work. I think about suicide every day. I want to commit suicide before the end of winter next year. But I can't do it the way I want to do it. With 90 secobarbitals. And Metoclopramide. I have no money and absolutely no knowledge of how to obtain either of the two. I'm poor, I live on about $7,800 a year. All entitlements. Medicare, medicaid. I'm useless. For a year and a half, I've had unrelenting runaway anxiety just about every day. I'm psychologically dependent on sedatives and I have no social outlets at all. Besides my mother. Whose living room I live and sleep in. I want to die. I suppose my question is - if I do become infected from bareback sex with an undetectable guy tomorrow, how long until I get sick? Three? Four weeks? Then what? I already have PVC from being under unrelenting psychological stress all the time. Is it possible that my immune system could just give in to the virus a month after I first get sick?

[Ptrk3]

You need to seek immediate face-to-face assistance for your suicidal ideation. 

Since your IP address indicates that you may live in the New York area, there are numerous resources at your disposal, regardless of your economic status.

Here is a link to one in New York City:

http://samaritansnyc.org/24-hour-crisis-hotline/

As for your question, suicide by HIV/AIDS is hardly quick (could take decades) or painless, and getting HIV/AIDS today is not longer a "death sentence," so your idea is not realistic or feasible. 

Rather, you should focus on getting the psychological and emotional support you need to build your self-esteem and to build yourself a viable life.  Your depression and anxiety can be treated through taking appropriate medication consistently and through cognitive therapy.

Since this is an HIV/AIDS forum for support of those with or affected by HIV/AIDS, there really is not much more that can be done for you here.

Please seek the appropriate help you need immediately. 

In order to encourage you to do this, I have banned you from this site.