Re: Very Confused and maybe Im at fault. Please any advice would be helpful

[Janeblazey]

Im new here so please bare with me or feel free to private message me. I too am negative with a boyfriend whom is positive. He was my first bf in my past and as my ex husband and i were separating, we reunited. It was very bitter sweet. He did not tell me for a year and 4mths that he was positive. Naturally i was very upset because it had always been my biggest fear AND i straight out asked him when we began a sexual relationship again. Thankfully he was on treatment because we started to have unprotected sex and then i found out. I got on truvada and we faithfully use condoms but the anger & anxiety gets to me. I have 1 child from my marriage so naturally i worry about that. I have known for a year now. 

[Janeblazey]

Looking for like couples with success in one partner remaining hiv negative. I tend to feel a lot of anger, disappointment and anxiety as a result of our situation. Would love to talk to someone in my situation that maybe can offer some helpful or positive feedback. I was married for many years and when that went south I ended up reuniting with my FIRST bf after 20years. I had no idea he was positive until a year ago. He does not know how he contracted it but i'm assuming unprotected sex. He hid it from me well into our sexual relationship in fear I would not want him or I would repeat the information. I choose to stay with him, as he & I have always loved each other but i have increasingly become more & more bitter. He is on medication & now I take Truvada and we faithfully use condoms. I feel like I have noone I can talk to about this.

[Jeff G]

Welcome to the forum Jane. I spilt and merged your topics into the same thread, there is no need to post the same thing in multiple forums so I merged you into one thread so you can get the replies you need. I realize you are new and learning how to use the forum, so all is good.

Please note that as a person who is not living with HIV you are only allowed to post in the someone I care about forum and in the off topic forum where we discuss anything other than HIV .

[Janeblazey]

Im having a hard time finding anyone to have discussions with & most forums or blogs are gay males, I want to hear everyone's story but at this time would love to find a straight male or female in a + - relationship that I can vent with.

[Jim Allen]

Hi Jane.

I was not going to comment but i will.

Overall reading you 3 posts & email it seems the bigger issues you have is not HIV related but simply a relationship issue.

In this case the trust between you has been brought into question and perhaps also finding out that the person is not what you expected and in a roundabout way has been deceptive by not being honest.

Could be your bf is still working though his own feelings and fears of rejection in relation to HIV and dating.This in my own opinion still would not excuse his behaviour.

If it was me I would see it that if someone truly loved me & trusted me i would expect the truth and would be pis&%d off if that someone was not.
But that's just me and how I would feel and react.

It sounds like he still has issue ms to work though and it not something you can directly help him with. He probably needs to still come to terms with being hiv positive.
.if he was he would not have hidden the issue in the first place.

If you think he is a keeper and you want to fix this you need to work on rebuilding the trust in the relationship and that takes time & effort unfortunately and no quick fixes on that as far as I know. Consider perhaps counselling session if you feel it would help you guys get the issue dealt with.

But all of that is just what I think and would do so  don't take too much notice as I know nothing about the subject . Going though my own divorce at the moment.

Do wish you both all the best and hope it works out for you.

Jim

[Jeff G]

Jane …. You are only allowed to post in someone I care about so I merged the new thread you posted in the wrong forum into this one . You can find the posting guidelines in the welcome thread.

[terrymoore]

Hi Jane,
I am HIV+ and my wife is HIV-. We have been living this way for almost 6 months. Our stories have some similarities - mainly the living together part and how we deal with it as a serodiscordant couple. I can tell you that for me, being the positive one, there are a lot of feelings of guilt. I have now brought this giant burden onto our lives and it affects many aspects - sexual aspects, financial aspects, social (my wife is always in fear that someone will discover and we - our kids included - will be ostracised). So you can imagine the guilt. Yet, i have been blessed with a partner who has stood by me from the beginning, and through research (lots from this website!!) and a bit of counselling, she has managed to come to terms with OUR situation and decided to look forward in a positive way. She has told me on a number of occasions that from her point of view, it is as if i was diagnosed with any other medical condition which we would fight TOGETHER. She really is incredible!
Of course, this doesn't mean that everything is smooth - sex is a challenge, as you can imagine. There are other challenges as well - but this is always the case in ANY long-term relationship, don't you think? My point is, that today, couples CAN live together in normal healthy relationships. Some precautions need to be taken, and some adjustments need to be made, but this is true in any relationship whether they have HIV in their lives or not.
In your case, as JimDublin wrote, there is also a trust issue - i see this as your biggest challenge now and for good reasons. IMHO, if you can overcome the trust issue, the rest will be easier to cope with - after all, you will be making sacrifices and you want to make sure you are making those sacrifices for someone whom you feel is of merit! You obviously feel close to this person. Perhaps you should try an understand why he hid this from you for so long and you should explain to him why you are hurt and how you feel. I do not like the fact that he hid his status from you for so long and, if he had unprotected sex with you, i like him even less. If you are living in the USA, i believe it can even be considered a crime!

[Janeblazey]

Thanku for ur response Terry as i almost gave up on finding any1 to talk to here. I understand WHY he hid from me but some of the circumstances around it leave me baffled like I straight up askd him almost immediately. It is definitely a constant fear that i may become infected despite the precautions we take. Our doc said because my BF has stayed medicated & undetectable & with me taking truvada & using condoms, he is not worried about me. That is reassuring.

[terrymoore]

From what i have read - and there seems to be more posts and news supporting this - UD + condom seems to be very safe. With you on PreP, i think you really have nothing to worry about.
I have a question for you - do you have any side affects from the Truvada? How much of a burden is it for u? Also, do you hve to take it every single day?

[Janeblazey]

Truvada was costing me a 35 copay with ins but i went through the pharm. compny and JUST got my co-assist card so last month it was free & should b going forward. The medicine tends to caus some feeling of like heart burn. Feels like i swolled something whole, but it doesnt happen all the time. Only side affect. but Thanku so much for replying. I kinda need some1 i can bounce my thoughts & concerns off of. Plus I've been very conflicted about it all. And i know i have allowed it to make me act very ugly toward him and despite it all, i dont want to make him feel worse.

[Janeblazey]

And yes i have to take every day

[harleymc]

Jane, what is it about the remote possibility of sero-converting, that you are afraid of?