POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Blixer on June 25, 2006, 09:47:33 pm
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I've been pretty quiet on the boards for a while and it's been a few weeks since I've shed any tears or had any significant anxiety over my diagnosis/condition but today was one of those difficult days. Nothing like some of the earlier ones, but I have felt somewhat overwhelmed by it all. Maybe it's that feeling of lonliness and not having someone. Maybe it was going to the Pride events in St. Louis, being among those 80,000 people and knowing I was different this year. Maybe it was seeing the Missouri Health Initiative slogan "Prevention is the Cure" and knowing that isn't the cure for me. Maybe it was seeing the van offering the free HIV tests. Maybe it was seeing all of those other seemingly carefree individuals. Maybe it was just the fact that I have this virus in me that hides itself so well. Maybe it was looking at my pill box this morning and knowing I would have to take these things for the rest of my life. Maybe it was the realization that right now I'm not able to do all of what I want to because of the meds side effects. Maybe it's the problems I've had with the meds that just won't seem to totally go away. Maybe it's a fear of the future and what it really does hold. Maybe it's knowing that whenever (and if) I meet someone I'm interested in I have this disclosure I have to make that may cause them to walk away. Maybe it was a combination of all of it or any number of other things. Maybe you need one of these days now and then just as a reality check. But it did bring on the tears during my drive back from St. Louis and it has significantly heightened my anxiety level. Will I cycle though this every now and then? Is there a trick to get my mind focused away from this? Or is it something I just need to learn to deal with?
Just pondering and trying to work through this. Any thoughts or solutions?
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Hey guy. We all do have "those" days. Even before hiv I had "those" days. Wondering if I was getting anywhere. If I was getting ahead. If I would really be happy. Then hiv came into the picture. I actually have fewer of "those" days now than before. I guess I know it could be much worse. I cant imagine being hiv before meds were available.
Now, having an illness, you pay more attention of others with illnesses. Not so much hiv, but diabetes, and other health problems. And I see others having a much harder time than me, hiv or not. I just don’t like the "those days" when I just feel icky for no reason. Maybe its the meds, or the weather or just working for a living and never feeling you are getting anywhere.
But "those days" do pass and after a while you expect "those days" from time to time. And now I more so just poo poo them. I may be having one of "those days", but I know it will pass and can I really blame it on hiv or the meds? Maybe its just me???
So I muddle thru it and try not to pout so much. I'd bet getting a job working in a nursing home or with sick children, and seeing others fighting to get thru each day, would make my problems seem so much smaller. But... a good subject you brought up.
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David, I understand what your going through also and many many others on here probably feel the same as you and I. We just got to try and live every day as though their was no tomorrow. Today with all the meds we all take and too those that don't take it is not like it was back in the 80's. Today we are living and we come on here to talk too one another it is like our home away from home. Don't ever feel sad we all are in this together. Also 75% of the people on here are single just like yourself me included.
Everyday I log on here to read what someone else has written that their life is so awful. I live in the country of Virginia. Here there are no ASO's. My ID doctor is an hour drive from where I live. Friends well that is a good one there my friends are on here. I live alone and deal with damn aggravation with my family everyday and wish that once I could just pack up what stuff I had and say good bye to my family here. Time goes on and I try to live day by day with this disease the best way I can. I would love to take the time and get to know each and every one of you on here but it is just hard trying to talk too certain people on here.
With the upcoming Gathering we will be having maybe I can at least put a face with a voice that I can only see on here everyday. I got a chance to meet a few back in November of last year just for a weekend. Total strangers but they were just like you and me. Everyday day people, just because we all have this dreaded disease doesn't mean we have to all be strangers on this site. The old site was a wonderful place but here lately this place feels very different. I too just log on and read certain threads on here and if we all could take time out of our daily routine and tried to respond to each thread that is way to impossible.
So anytime you want to talk to any of us on here please feel free to chat away. Most of us on here have our email, or messenger on most all of the time.
You take care and you always have a friend and family member on here that cares for you.
Later Jerry
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Blixer,
I know where you ar coming from. We all have those days whether you are HIV or not. To me it is a day when you reflect on life, who is with you, what you could have done differently, and so on.
Partly the depression has a role to play on this. I have my days not so often but once in a while and I ask myself some of the similar questions that you have. Try to join a support group or talk with your Therapist, or even just find yourself a "buddy" to talk to.
Things are good and they only can get better.
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Hey Blixer,
We all have such days and you will probably have them for the rest of your life, but you can change how you react to them. When my head starts spinning, I have to slow myself down and do reality checks, to make sure my imagination has not just taken over reality. Sometimes I think these days are good, because you shed so much raw emotion, but they are still very hard.
I wouldn't look for a remedy so much, as a way of just moving through those times and trying to identify what you can change and letting go of those things that you cannot. Life doesn't always have to be as hard as we try and make it. My point is there are no ready answers, only finding what works for me. For moods like that I'll rollerblade for hours, with my favorite music and by the time I'm done, the mood is gone.
It'll also gets better with time. I used to blubber when I thought of my dead friends, whereas now I can write Blog entries about the experiences. Give it some time, it will get better, I promise. Until then, you know where to find us.
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Hi Blixer,
Hiv is mentally draining, but after a while you will begin to realize that Hiv is just part of life. "Prevention is the cure" may not be for us, but it still plays a very important role because there is chance of being reinfected, as well as catching other diseases.
Just keep in mind that Hiv is not death sentence anymore.....don't let it run your life, but rather take control of the situation and learn from it. Throughout my journey with Hiv, I have grown and learned so much from this experience that I don't think any education would have thought me what I have been through. And who saids you have to take these pills for the rest of your life....yes it would be true if you believe that the medical and research professions are seemingly pinheads, then you will have to take these pills for the rest of your life......but if you have some faith that doctors and researchers are as smart as they claim to be, then there is hope that one day there will be no need for these pills anymore after a cure is discovered. Even though it has been 25 years since the discovery of Hiv/Aids, we have managed to supress the virus.....we just need to figure out that one missing link and halleluyah, we would be cured.
It may be a little more challenging to meet a significant other because of those who are not accepting of Hiv, but realize that it is not a lost hope. The fear of rejection and disclosing our status may be freightening, but I have learned that life is full of surprises. Imagine how wonderful it would be to be able to meet someone who accepts you for you. If and when this happens, you know that this person truly loves you for who you are. Love is a very strange phenomenon, and there is not way of telling what the future holds. The outcome may not always be what we expect.
We may have one of those days from time to time, but who doesn't have one of those days. I think it is good that you are able to express your emotions and ponder about various questions. Furthermore, tears are a good remedy to relieve stress that has been boggled up on the inside. But evenrually, we will come to our own conclusion as to dealing with Hiv and with life in general. My experiences may be different from another person and we all have our own ways of dealing with these problems...soon enough, you will figure out a solution that will fit you.
Be good to yourself...you will always have a friend here for you.
Justin
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Hey David
It 'll get better, I promise you.
Looking forward so much to hugging you in Amsterdam!!
Coen
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Hey David,
What can I say that has not already been said. Yes, life is a roller coaster ride avec ou sans HIV. There are always ups and downs. When I have one of those days (a month ago a broke up with my partner of 5 years..that was "one of those days" for a week-end and it was not an hiv thing) I try to recognize it for what it is. Next, I simply won't allow myself to fall into that downward spiral of "oh woe is me!"; it's far too easy to go there and I don't like the place I end up in. As Killfoile mentioned, exercise is a wonderful stress release; some people meditate. What I "do" to get out of that head space I am not sure I can verbalize. I think it all depends on the situation you are in and what is causing the dispair but taking your mind off things really does wonders. Go for a walk; take a book somewhere you consider special read. I like to journal when I feel I need to write things down and being a calligraphy buff I take out the stylus and ink and away I go. I also felt the need to change routines, mix things up a bit, do things differently so that I don't find myself at home feeling bored or lonely.
These bad days do pass and time does heal. Allow yourself the time needed to move on.
Cheers,
Alan
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We all have 'those days' dude, just become less frequent in time. One day at a time you learn to deal with it and not stress. There will always be those days, especially when you're alone and bore, it sneaks up on you. Stay busy and keep your mind occupied. Right now you have plenty on your plate to keep you busy, just learning for a start. About the endless dr visits mentioned before, hell at this point in time I look forward to them, haven't much else to do some days, gets me out and around people like me when I wouldn't do it otherwise; in the waiting room at the clinic we are all the same and let our guard down and socialize.
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Of course, we all have those days too. My personal antidote is to tell myself that science is advancing in leaps, and there is every possibility that a cure will be found, if not soon then someday, or at least one of the promising vaccine canditates that may allow us to stay off meds indefinitely will complete the trials and be released for public use- this is closer than we think.
Once I see it that way, I feel a little bit better, and take a deep breath and go back to taking it one day at a time. And by the way, this is not necessarily fooling myself over something that is not there, there are in fact very promising advances in progress.
Next february, for example, the results of a rybozyme trial will be released, this is the one where the patients participating in it have been off meds for a year and have remained undetectable. The link is:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/04/07/AIDS.TMP&type=health
One quote I like from that article:
"It's possible that the stars are lining up on this one,''
If that isn't cause for hope I don't know what is.
J.
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Hey David
I feel you.
Having one of those days is pretty normal, Im actually sitting infront of my PC bowling my eyes out and asking God why me!!!
The only thing that ever makes me feel better is logging on to the forum and reading all those threads and positive responses from the wonderful pple on this website. Give yourself a hug and a BIG HUG from me too stay positive and always remeber someone upstairs has the greatest love for you. ;)
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I'm not having one of "those days" it's more like one of "those months". I'm trying tokeep a sense of humor about all this MSRA stuff, but it isn't easy.
David, I hope you feel better soon.
Dan
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I am having a horrible month. It is very long to tell you here but today I have been to court for the second time this month. I have been acused by the president of a flight attendant sindicate of saying horrible things about her in a forum. I can even end up in prision or paying 150.000 euros. The only good thing is my airline has nothing to do with it so my job is not at risk unless I canīt fly for being in jail. My life is horrible and its not my HIVīs fault. :'(
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Thanks for all of your support! Monday and Tuesday were actually good day with the pain at a minimum. Makes me think that maybe the doctor was right that if I give these meds a couple of months I'll be back to normal. I'm actually only at about dose 45 now. And some of the stories you all shared were very touching. I know I'm not the only one that has those days. And yes, even without HIV there are times we have bad days. I could particularly identify with spicy1 sitting in front of the computer and bawling... That doesn't happen too often now. Anyway, I hope you are all having better days and blondbeauty I hope things work out for you. I know it is awful when those bad days string into a bad month, and especially when it isn't even HIV related. Thanks again to all of you!