FREAKING OUT ! NEED SOME ADVICE

[thirtysomething]

Just an FYI, the details of this topic might not be suitable for women...

This is what happened today.. I'm here in Jersey for Thanksgiving and went to this party tonite at a friends place.. There I meet the guy who I got infected from.. I was polite to say 'Hello' and he started talking to me.. the conversation went on for quite a while and I later found out that he is very depressed, infact he started crying!. I felt bad and asked him if he wants a ride back home. He readily agreed and we reached his place after some time. He asked me if I could come up for a drink and he would really appreciate it.. I don't know what I was thinking and I said yes.. We had couple of drinks and one thing led to another and we started having sex..

(He is someone who I really cared for and though I was bitter and hateful after my diagnosis, I don't feel that way about him anymore.. I don't know why)

So anyway, we are having sex.. I have rubber on me while I'm f***ing him..after a while, he pulls out the rubber (and I don't know why I didn't object to it!), we went on for some more time until I smelled something nasty and stopped.

I ran to the bathroom, washed my cock and he comes over and I see BLOOD all over his ass !! Man, I"m so FREAKED OUT! I don't quite pay attention to my 'dickhead' since I'm uncut and it's mostly covered, but I saw a red sensitive spot on the head!  (which I think was even before having sex and have no idea what it is!)

But my problem is, I'm so fuckin' freaked out now that his blood must have gone in my penis AND that red infection whatever it is...AND now I feel I'm doomed and my CD4, Viral Load results will be worse next time when I go for blood work in feb.

I asked him his counts and he is 500 CD4, 60K viral load..and I'm 1200-ish and undetectable. If he has got one more virus strain that I don't have, what are the chances that I will get that strain as well? And if it's the similar strain, what happens when you have sex with someone with high viral load? Will my Viral Load also increase now? The unsafe session went on for a long time..

I'm too petrified.. my doctor thinks that I might not need meds for several years and I'm about to participate soon in this research program that he has suggested..(details not received yet). But having UNSAFE sex again with the SAME guy who infected you, I think I'll be on meds sooner than what my doctor expects!

I feel really really bad... I came back to the hotel and threw up.. Now I feel so crappy and worthless.. I'm so sick that I went ahead and had sex again with the guy who infected me!  I hate myself.. :-(

[Nadine]

I don't have any answers for you. Just wanted to tell you not to hate yourself

I'm sure the experts will be here soon to calm your worries.

BIG HUGS

[poet]

!) Are you sure that all you had was 'a few drinks?' I get that you stopped when you hit (s---) which you smelled, but I am lost on how you got that far.  2) I suspect that he had hemorrhoids which caused the blood to flow.  Again, can you think back to how rough you were (f______) him?  Do you remember what color the blood was.  The color indicates whether it was far inside him or closer to the exit, if you will.  The brighter the blood, the closer to the exit.  3) I am not speaking as an expert here in any of this, but if you have reason to know (no suspect) him to be the guy who infected you (by whatever means), then what he had at that point in terms of viral strains is already what you have.  If much time has past since he may have infected you and he has had many more exposures (from being (f_____) without a condom on, then, yes, you may have picked up something, although I would also be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases such as parasites which could also explain the blood.  4) Let's think about making an appointment with you infectious disease doctor on Monday for this week so that he/she can test you for std's? 5) Let's slow down how this whole thing occurred and talk through, slowly, how you came to have lengthly, unsafe sex with him so that you no longer feel 'worthless' and 'hate yourself' but feel in control?  Win

[Cliff]

It sounds like you may be overreacting to this.  The risk isn't very high (if at all) that you will get another HIV strain, considering you already have his strain.  Also you have been infected for almost a year now, so your body has probably produced enough defenses to protect against acquisition of other HIV strains (superinfection/reinfection seems to be rare).  Finally, you seem to already have an immune system that is more than capable of handling HIV (undetectable viral load without meds). 

This sounds more like issues with being HIV positive, (i.e., hating yourself), than having unprotected sex with the person who transmitted the virus to you.

Also, consider getting a STD checkup for other diseases.  You should probably be more worried about other STDs than acquiring another HIV strain.

Take care,

Cliff

[thirtysomething]

I don't know if I'm over-reacting, but I'm scared that I might catch another strain of HIV.. I have been celibate since I my diagnosis like 8 months ago. And how do I break the celibacy vow, I go out and have sex again with the same guy who I got infected from !! fantastic ! (i'm such an idiot)

And yes Poet, he is the one I got infected from..(it's a different story.. .infact, my first post here on the forum). And if I remember correctly, the color of his blood was like Pink. There was a and LOT of blood! It was fuckin' scary and his ass was not hurting at all... just blood everywhere.

I didn't ask him if he f___s around, but I'm sure he does.. I will take an appointment with my doctor tomorrow once I reach Toronto.

Sadly, it's true that I've start hating myself after my diagnosis.. I keep asking myself how things would have been today if I was not poz. Better I say. But I cannot change the destiny now, can I?

I hope what Cliff says is true for me.. that my immune system should be able to deal with the new strain (if I've caught it at all)..

<sad>

[skeebo1969]

   Well...  maybe he was bleeding because you plowed him


   With my limited experience with anal (TOO FUCKING PAINFUL) I just thought blood was part of it.   I would just chalk this up as a learning experience.   

   They say theoretically you could possibly get a different mutation from unprotected sex, but I just say fuck it at this point you did it and it's over.  You are beating yourself up for your infection already don't add this to it.  Experts say after a death a person goes through various stages of grief, denial, acceptance an what not... you know a bunch of that mumbo jumbo shit.  Sounds to me that you are having some acceptance issues going on, hence putting yourself at additional risk.... however theoretical or unimportant to me (the theories that is).

   At this point I would just get over it.  Quit beating yourself up, you don't need that right now.   Go look in the mirror or something and say I love ME..   Like I've never done that before

  Thomas

[Miss Philicia]

Uh, no... in my NON-limited experience with anal blood is not generally part of it.  And trust me.  I've had some really huge items up in there.

On topic:  I agree with whomever asked how you could get a "new" strain from the person who just infected you months ago.  I think you're over-reacting from some weird feelings you were already having about returning to sex with someone who has traumatized you by your diagnosis.  Obviously you're still quite sexually attracted to him though so I don't see what the big deal is.  Tell that boytoy to get to go to a butt doctor and get his anal fissures fixed.

[Razorbill]

The horse is outta the barn, and you havent bothered to close the door, if you know what I mean.  I'd say your HIV worries are over.  You have it and having sex with that guy won't alter a thing.  Take a deep breath and keep some space between you and this guy.  Seeing blood during sex is kinda upsetting, but not unheard of.  You prob just busted a blood vessel while busting his ass.  I'd think the emotional load is more important than the one in your dick - so give yourself some space.

[J.R.E.]

Hello ,

I am assuming that you have no idea who this person has been with since your last encounter with him ( when you got HIV)

Therefore, my thoughts are to get a complete STD scan, Call your doctor and get it arranged. explain the situation honestly, and truthfully to your doctor.


Ray

[water duck]

Please take a deep breath and then another, then sit and get a drink, and when you are calm enough , look at the event with more detachment, maybe you would realize if you are over-reacting or not, Raj .

Poet and Cliff posts carries the necessarily sound medical advice to the situation, please kindly take note.

Bill has hit bull-eye when he said : the emotional load is more important than  .............. If i had knew you other than from here, i would had made my observation more privately, unfortunately i don't have that privilege.  I do like to bring to your attention the fact that you maybe carrying 'unconscious-guilt' with you all the time, which i could attribute to your indian upbringing, as such, time and again you put yourself in the 'victim' mode. If i remember well, he cheated on you , lied , you lost your staying papers for the US, moved to Toronto, had troubles starting all over again ................... now this , he manipulated you if i can understand from between the lines. Maybe it's time you start to tell yourself : i want to stop being the victim, as such , you would then, be able to say NO.

RAJ : don't sweat it, NAUGHTY boys don't get to live long, but , then they enjoyed living !!

Siang

[Queen Tokelove]

Wow, that is a situation indeed. I do not know about anal other than it is painful. I tried it once. I would take the advice of those posts that say go get checked. You haven't been around this guy since he infected you, so there is no telling what he may have picked up along the way.

Do not beat yourself up about getting with him again. Shit happens especially when it's someone you have been in a past relationship with. It could've been the drinks but I personally think there is something more emotional here. I do not have a Ph.d behind my name but emotions can lead you to do things you would not normally have done. As in why not hit it for old time's sake,etc. Not saying you were thinking that but maybe something along those lines.

I understand how you feel, things got out of control, just try to put yourself back on track and do what you have to do to stay healthy. To err is human, to forgive is divine...There is no S on your chest, you're human like the rest of us, forgive yourself, forgive him if you choose, but do not dwell on it so much that you make yourself sick.

[Eldon]

Hey Thirtysomething,

There are a number of things that happen in this life for a reason. In fact, there is a reason that we meet old friends and others. In this case, you were at the party to go and to enjoy yourself. The guy who infected you was there and out of your consciousness, you approached him and engaged in conversation with him.

Out of your concern of his situation of being depressed your tender heart extended him an invitation to take him home. Inside you there was this attempt to comfort him in some way form or fashion. By you doing this he then had asked you to join him in a night cap in his apartment. This was his way of saying thankyou for caring about his situation.

At the moment that he asked you, there were these wave of emotions that were running through the both of you. In fact, this moment had created a wholesome moment for the both of you. This is one of the main reasons why you said Yes to the invitation that was extend to you.

While walking into this pool of emotions, one thing did lead to another as you both were in agreement to comfort the Aura that was surrounded by the two of you. You ended up engaging in sex. This is an act in which occurred in order to soothe or to satisfy the emotional moment that you both were dealing with.

Initially you had protected yourself with a condom (a good judgement on your part) and somewhere along the lines of intercourse, you allowed him to take the condom off. During the heat of the moment, it is hard to predict what your actions will be.

Being uncut, you may have ruptured a vein during your intercourse, it is quite possible. As far as the red spot on the tip of your penis, this could very well be an STI of some sort and you will want to get this checked out as soon as possible by your Doctor.

By you engaging in unprotected sex with your partner, you did however put yourself at risk of becoming infected with a different strain of the HIV virus.His viral load is high and you are undetectable.

There could be a fluctuation of your present numbers because if this. During your next appointment with your Doctor, you will want to bring this up to him/her so that they can also do a STI test as well.

You went back to the hotel and threw up because your internal anxiety has been triggered from this external anxiety and it has effected your thoughts which are creating all sorts of negative scenarios in your mind. Through this, there are now feelings of guilt which has been developed from your internal anxieties.

Indeed you took a risk and you do have an awareness of this. The BEST thing that you can do is get yourself checked out by your Doctor and monitor your CD4's and your Viral Load.

Nadine has said it correctly as well. Do not hate yourself from this experience. Things did happen the way it did and there is nothing that you can do now to change this.

As Poet has mentioned there are a number of different factors involved with this situation. As Razor has mentioned, it is possible that you have bursted a blood vessel during your thrusting moments. In fact, this was the same thing that came to mind as I was reading your initial post before reading Razor's.

Over-reacting and negative thinking about this does not help the situation at all. Water Duck has a valid point just as well. RELAX. You know what you need to do when you get back to Toronto.

You do have a very high CD4 level and a undetectable Viral Load without meds. This is a clear indication that your CD4's are handling the virus on its own. In fact, this is why you were asked to participate in the study as your Doctor has mentioned.

In the interim, breathe, accept, understand, communicate this back to your Doctor as well. Acceptance is key to this situation.

Make the BEST of each Day!

[thirtysomething]

Hello Guys,

Thank you all for your advice and response. I'm back in Toronto now and will call my doctor tomorrow for a complete checkup. It's true that there was some emotional factor involved that led me to engage in unprotected sex.

I know I can't change the fact that I'm poz, but sometimes (infact most of the times), I feel that I'm just seeing a bad dream and nothing is wrong with me and the dream will be over soon.. Sadly, this is not true and I will have to face reality sooner or later and I'm trying my best!

Oh, and I did call Rick (the guy) and asked him if he has bareback with anybody else in past few months.. his answer was affirmative. :-(

This incident has now taught me a good lesson on why I should always play safe, no matter who your partner is.. I for sure don't want to see blood / scat on my cock anymore! yikes! 

Cheers..

[Life]

There is no reason you cant enjoy a good old fashion Fuck now and again.   Some prep work would be in order if I were (Rick) such as dooooshing then alot of lube and a good rubber...  I don't think you wana go thru this process again as it will repeat itself mentally each time.....

Glad to here you getting the checkup... Be honest with your doctor!  "I had unprotected sex" etc.....

[AlanBama]

I have been celibate since I my diagnosis like 8 months ago. And how do I break the celibacy vow, I go out and have sex again with the same guy who I got infected from !! fantastic ! (i'm such an idiot)

No, thirtysomething, you're NOT an idiot, you are a human being.   We all make mistakes, sometimes we do things we later regret.   Learn from this and move on.   Like the others said, I don't think you have anything to worry about, as far as re-infection.

Alan

[HIVworker]

Honestly, from a viral standpoint there is little to worry about here. You have HIV and as has been previously pointed out, you got it from him. So lets cut to the chase here. Lets pretend all your worst fears are founded and it was blood.

While HIV can exist in a person as many 'quasi' species, there appears to be a significant bottleneck to the types of viruses that are transmitted. Several papers indicate this. So the chances of getting another HIV strain from the same person you got it from in the first place are very small. The virus has to go through the same bottleneck.

Although this is going to sound dumb coming from me, you should enjoy a good sex life but learn from this experience that while the science doesn't back up your fears, your fears exist. And to borrow something I tell the worry-wells, if you are doing something in sex that makes you worry afterwards, just don't do it anymore. Sure have sex, but with a condom. Then this worry won't exist anymore, regardless of any blood, tomato soup or whatever ends up on your Johnston.

Rich