Trade places

[sweetasmeli]

People can be so inane.

Today, as I sat there in work, a shop that sells all sorts of ‘objets de crap’ – bored, as usual – my mind was filled with thoughts of changes on the horizon, HIV, family, friends, travel plans, phone calls I need to make and what I would eat later.

The tourists breeze in and breeze out; picking up this and that; buying this, not buying that; chattering in English or other tongues; trying to barter over prices like we are standing at some bazaar stall; parents tugging at and yelling at their kids; said kids whinging and/or ignoring their parents. The whole state of affairs truly baffles me. 

I find myself indignant at the absurdity of humans, some of the things they worry about and complain about and the demands they make on each other; like it’s a god-given right or something. I know perhaps I’m being somewhat unfair, as I know we all have our demons to defeat. I’m not so insensitive to not realise and acknowledge that one person’s HIV can be another person’s cancer or grief or childlessness or loneliness et al.

But as I sit there watching those people who, for the main part, have come here for 1 or 2 weeks of sun and relaxation, I can’t help but inwardly sigh at their inability to actually just enjoy that sun and relax. They complain: their flight was delayed due to adverse weather; their suitcase was lost; their hotel room has no TV; the sun isn’t out enough; the kids are driving them mad, etc etc et-bloody-cetera…

As I sit reading posts from Aidmeds, reading people’s truths about what HIV/AIDS has done/is doing to their lives: their pain, their losses, their fears, their anger…all real meaningful stuff…I have to control the urge to grab some of those tourists by the arms and shake them!

In response to their complaints, I want to say: There are people dead in some countries due to adverse weather conditions; some people have never even owned a TV; some people may never have children or live long enough to see theirs graduate or marry.   

I want to scream in their faces: Trade places with me for a week! Trade lives with one of my friends for a day. Just one day. Why are you wasting your thoughts, your energy on such inanities? Don’t you realise there are some of us here with real problems; real unsolvable beyond-conundrum-type problems? I have friends, people I love, dying of AIDS who I can’t help! And you stand there and complain about the price of a f**king souvenir!

One local woman came in and spent 10 minutes talking about wanting a new mobile phone; TEN minutes for f**ks sake! I kid you not. I mean, seriously…is it just me??

Although generally, patience is my ally, it would seem that is not so much the case lately. Some days I just feel weary; the world and its ways wear me down. Today is simply one of those days.

Yes I know, I know. I’m going to take a nap…

Melia

[aztecan]

Hey Melia,

I know exactly what you mean, There are too many people who, rather than stopping to smell the roses, would rather stop to complain about the thorns.

Remember, children are a blessing, and a great food supplement when pan fried.

HUGS,

Mark

[David_CA]

Melia,
I know what you mean.  A couple of weeks ago, a friend was talking (complaining, bitching, whatever) about his sometimes ex-girlfriend.  She's a sometimes ex- because it's hard to tell whether or not they're together at any given moment.  Anyway, I told him the answer was simple: break up and don't have any interaction.  He told me it was easier said than done.  I answered, true, but at least there is a 'cure' to his main life problem.  I had to explain how frustrating it is to see people's problems (he has other issues as well) with relatively obvious solutions and live with something that has no solution.  I realize that we all have our own issues, and somebody else's problems may effect them as much as HIV does me.  The difference is that most things I hear people bitch about either are temporary and / or are easily solved.  It needs to be kept in perspective.

David

[ACinKC]

There are some who complain about EVERYTHING.  Then there are those of us with and without HIV who see life for what it is.  I wake up every day in a good mood.  Don't know why, its nothing where I say to myself the night before "now remember, good mood in the morning".  It just is.

It seeps into my life in every aspect.  Problems fly at me and they don't seem large or insurmountable, they just are problems.  Some bigger than others, most not worthy of much attention and certainly hardly ever need to fly off the handle about them.  It's an inner peace I guess.  I once got upgraded to first class because of this attitude.

I was in Phoenix and getting ready to fly home, the airline (i wont name names, but it rhymes with America Lest), had overbooked the flight by about 20.  I was waiting in line to check in and the 5 people in front of me just went OFF on the poor guy working the computer (gate agent).  Lots of yelling and threats that meant nothing and calls for supervisors and what not.  Quite a show actually.  They leave, not getting what they wanted, and I step up.  The poor guy is exasperated.  I said I was here to check in and he calmly explains that they have overbooked the flight and I may not get on, but he has this look like I am about to slap him.  I reply, OK just let me know as soon as ya can if you need me to give up my seat so I can head out and thank him and turn to leave.  MAN does he look shocked.

So like 20-30 minutes go by and they call my name over the overhead speaker.  I approach the gate agent area and see those 5 people still FUMING at just about everything in the airport.  I walk up to the desk and the same guy says, Mr. ACinKC, have a great trip home and he hands me a ticket.  And then he says something to me I'll never forget....Sir, sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all.  I thank you.  And he shot the Furious 5 a look of contempt!  I said hey man no problem good luck with the rest of the day and headed on my way.  About 5 minutes later I opened the little folder to look at my boarding pass, Seat A Row 1.  FIRST CLASS BABY!  I boarded the plane and handed him my ticket and we traded a wink as the Furious 5 had to wait for the next plane home.

Another quote I will always remember..... I don't have problems, quadrapalegics have problems.  I have minor inconveniences.  Even with HIV, minor inconvenience (for now anyway).

ACinKC OUT.

[jack]

let me see Phoenix or KC? Seems they got the better end of that deal.
Everyone has problems. Many are worse than HIV.

[Bucko]

Melia-

I always seem to live smack in the middle of tourist destinations, but SoFla has without a doubt the largest concentration of bored, complaining loudmouth ugly Americans on vacation I've ever seen. And as I, too, work surrounded by them everyday, scorched by the sun and bitching about how they're not in New York (for instance) I wonder why they even bother. Oh, and they're ever so much more fun after several cocktails 

I hold my tongue and speed them through as best as I can, relishing the time when I can relax and enjoy my free moments of peace. I'm sure that if any of them understood the true parameters of my life they probably wouldn't feel so comfortable in discussing their mundane little pseudo-dramas, but being either New Yorkers or midwesterners, you can tell?

Brent
(Who hails from New England where such things are not done)

[sweetasmeli]

Well, I didn’t have a nap; I watched a DVD and ate lots instead.

Those of you reading should know that I’m not normally like this. Most of you who know me well enough should know that I am not someone who rants very often. As a norm, I am a very positive chilled out gal who is sensitive but pragmatic.

I know I am better off than many and I know there are many problems worse than HIV. I also know that I prefer to think of said friends in my life as more struggling to live with HIV/AIDS, rather than dying from it; a shift in semantics to soften a blow to my own heart perhaps.

To be honest, that wasn’t really the point of my post. Well, ok, it was in part.
My main point though (which kinda got lost mid-rant) was meant to be what Mark said:

There are too many people who, rather than stopping to smell the roses, would rather stop to complain about the thorns.

People like that just piss me off. And unfortunately, they seem in the majority.

Normally, I’m actually like AC describes; when I find myself in the middle of other people’s chaos, I usually react by not reacting; my ability to remain calm while all about me are all but losing their marbles, often drives my best friend here insane, especially when he’s smack bang in the middle of yet another Grecian hissy fit.

Just as I believe that as humans we are generally a species of procrastinators, I believe that we are also generally a species of whiners. Don’t know why; maybe cos it’s easier...?

Ach! Am just having an off day. Sorry for the blah blah.

Melia
(who should know better than to post when PMT is looming )

[ACinKC]

Melia, I know exactly where you are coming from.  even those of us with the bestest attitudes need to vent about those miserable sonsabitches without them!

Vent away sweetie!  But do it with a smile.  It hacks everyone off and leaves em wondering if youre pissed or just a little crazy!

[SASA39]

Wait until you get to a broken woman fingernail ........
And she has just  polish that nail yesterday.........what a tragedy !
Now she can`t get out  of home because everyone is going to stare in her litlle tiny broken nail.............
                      Al

[asaint]

Yeah I use to love to piss off my X-wife, she use to complain about the most stupidest stuff in the world. But I kinda liked it tho, cause she use to get mad at me when I disagreed, and you know how that make up sex can be. LMAO
Bob 
(who wishes he didn't piss the X off to the point were he's  single now ;...(   )

[J.R.E.]

People can be so inane.


I find myself indignant at the absurdity of humans, some of the things they worry about and complain about and the demands they make on each other; like it's a god-given right or something. I know perhaps I’m being somewhat unfair, as I know we all have our demons to defeat.

Sounds like an evening of the "so-called" crappy realities shows here on the television nightly.      Makes me wonder, what the world is coming to. Actually, I've been thinking that for a while !!  Living on the west coast of the state of Florida, in the touristy area, I also see that very often.




The Best------Ray

[fearless]

Melia,

You should read this article: http://www.freewillastrology.com/beauty/beauty.main128.shtml

[Iggy]

I know what you speak of....and I also fear what you speak of.

I've been catching up with some old co-workers of mine who I lost touch with and was immediately struck by how unhappy they were.  In two recent get to-gethers, I met up with two people who I haven't seen in years and in both instances from the second we started talking they were complaining about how horrible their jobs were and how lucky I was to get out when I did. At first I thought in each case that they were just trying to make me feel better for the bum deal I got when I was let go, but then I realized....shit - they really are miserable - and they look it....and then I noticed how they interacted in general with their surroundings whether it being other people in the bar annoying them to a TV playing too loud to the service being slow....etc.

And it occurred to me that I was once like that - I was once so angry with my life at the moment that I found it caused me to project what a horrible place the world had become.  Life was not a series of events so much as a series of purposeful booby traps set up to ruin my chances of just getting a break (and I do remember once screaming at the top of my lungs "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?" to no one in particular when something completely trivial happened to me when I was near the cracking point.)  Everything became so inexplicably tied together as a sort of string of proofs that life was truly unfair.

Now in my situation the shit really did hit the fan at 90 miles an hour and frankly the mess that was made with that sort of took away my ability to focus on the small stuff and ironically life has gotten a lot nicer and more peaceful.  Perhaps there is something to be said for a major crisis in ones life such as HIV as it does present the opportunity to see everything in perspective....and if one is lucky they recognize that.

Honestly I think you are seeing it a lot in tourists because many people don't know what a vacation is for;  They think it's suppose to be some sort of way to undo all the wrong feelings that they have been experiencing (whether feeling overworked, tired, unappreciated, etc) at home and when they get to their resort suddenly realize that life still happens and things still go wrong.  All jokes aside - no matter how improbable  the chance is for their solution (taking a vacation) it does really suck when one realizes that a solution failed and that's sort of why you probably see it so much out of context unhappiness where you are.

I’m not so insensitive to not realise and acknowledge that one person’s HIV can be another person’s cancer or grief or childlessness or loneliness et al.

I do think you make a valid reminder to yourself (and all of us) in your opening post about being careful of assuming what someone is going through.  I've seen it on this board and I've seen it in life in general where people badly issue public pronouncements about what they think  is wrong with another - though it is often stated with an authority of omniscence.  When in truth, sometimes that fit the person is having over spilt coffee is really about a cancer diagnosis, or that person appearing to be upset over his team losing a game is really dealing with losing his job - feelings of failure (life failing us or we failing life) manifests itself in many ways.  Then of course some people really are just mean old ladies like the paper boy says.

I guess all we can do is worry about ourselves.

[vegaslocal39]

I think this is about the most fascinating discussion I've ever seen on this board.  I totally identify with Iggy's remark, "Life was not a series of events so much as a series of purposeful booby traps set up to ruin my chances of just getting a break."

This is how I feel all the time.  I have absolutely no inner peace.  The only thing I can do is escape from life from time to time, in order to forget about it all.  But none of the escapist activities that I choose ever seem to last long enough and they are all self-destructive, like having too many drinks on a Friday night.  I just feel even worse the next day.

When I was diagnosed 13 years ago, it was at a time in my life that was so wonderful.  I was in the best shape of my life.  I was in my youth.  I had just fallen in love.  I was being tested every 6 months back then and had always been negative, but somehow I just knew what the results would be this time.  After all, how could life be so good?  I was waiting for something bad to knock me down.  When the diagnosis came, I actually laughed out loud.  I remember the nurse getting angry with me.  "It's not really a laughing matter", she said.  I didn't know what else to do.  I'm not good at crying, so I laughed.  I knew life would screw me.

I still never cry, and I rarely laugh.  Mostly I just try to keep myself from exploding.

I've considered going to church, but I'm not religious.  I've considered doing volunteer work at an ASO.  I think that maybe becoming a more giving person would bring me some inner peace, but I don't want to be reminded of what will become of me.  When will I be the one at the food bank?  I haven't slept past 6AM in ten years.  Every day I wake up worrying about what the day will bring.  I'm obsessive about making lists and keeping life in order....it's all about control.

The only thing I can say is that I am exceedingly kind to any people in any service or retail industry because I totally symapathize with them.  And if it's any consolation, I couldn't care less what kind of souvenir I buy, how much it costs, or what kind of cell phone I have.

Anyone like me find a way to relax and find some inner peace?  Sitting on the beach every day would do it, but I still have to work for a living - damn.  God, I wish I coud find some peace.  Somebody show me the way.

[Iggy]

After all, how could life be so good?  I was waiting for something bad to knock me down.  When the diagnosis came, I actually laughed out loud.  I remember the nurse getting angry with me.  "It's not really a laughing matter", she said.  I didn't know what else to do.  I'm not good at crying, so I laughed.  I knew life would screw me.

I still never cry, and I rarely laugh.  Mostly I just try to keep myself from exploding.

That is the most succinct and raw truth I have read in a while. 

[LakeEriePoz]

 I really am blessed.  Last August, a Friend asked me to have breakfast with him.  The next morning at breakfast he and another friend told me they thought I was drinking too much and invited me to join their society of recovering alcoholics. All it required was to stop drinking for 90 days, and to attend 90 AA meetings in the same amount of time.  Never having not had a drink for more than a few weeks in the past 50 years, I agreed.  I was planning on drinking after going to 90 meetings, but fortunately I found a glimpse of spirituality... and some peace.  Then I found out I was positive 10 days before my new boy friend arrived from Thailand.  I decided to wait til he landed to tell him about my seroconversion.  He took it as a non event, telling me he thought that I would become positive one of these days anyway... and that didn't change a thing. I have 3 kids in college and am spending way beyond my income to keep them there.  I am still very good friends with my former bf, who lives across the street from us, and with whom I own a restaurant where he is the chef.  My ex-wife recently moved back to town, and while she doesn't approve of my lifestyle... she has also joined me on th path to sobriety.  If you are looking for peace, try a 12 step program.
Don 

[Matty the Damned]

If you are looking for peace, try a 12 step program.

Having been out on the town with Miss Melia, Matty the Damned can assure you she doesn't need to stop drinking.

She may well need to start, though . . .

MtD

[DanielMark]

Aw Melia,

You need a back rub. 

Frustration is a bummer. As in many things, knowing why we let ourselves become frustrated can be self-empowering. Decompressing/ranting might help in the short term, but in my experience learning how we can respond rather than react to the world around us is a more lasting investment. It can also bring a little peace of mind (at least till the next thing ticks us off), and it will keep you from turning prematurely grey.

Daniel

[ACinKC]

If you are looking for peace, try a 12 step program.

Having been out on the town with Miss Melia, Matty the Damned can assure you she doesn't need to stop drinking.

She may well need to start, though . . .

MtD

Spending time with you would drive even the most sane person to the bottle for some relief! 

I do think the 12 step program advice was aimed at vegaslocal, not melia.

[sweetasmeli]

Blimey. I didn’t expect so many in-depth responses to my PMT-induced mini rant.

Ok, I’ll start with Iggy:

Perhaps there is something to be said for a major crisis in ones life such as HIV as it does present the opportunity to see everything in perspective....and if one is lucky they recognize that.

I totally concur with this. Unfortunately, from what I witness, most people struggle to recognize it though.

They think it's suppose to be some sort of way to undo all the wrong feelings that they have been experiencing (whether feeling overworked, tired, unappreciated, etc) at home and when they get to their resort suddenly realize that life still happens and things still go wrong.  All jokes aside - no matter how improbable  the chance is for their solution (taking a vacation) it does really suck when one realizes that a solution failed and that's sort of why you probably see it so much out of context unhappiness where you are.

Maybe I’m wrong – sadly, I don’t think I am – but I doubt very much that the majority of people (who I meet anyway) actually think about such things to any such depth; experience so far has shown me that most folk are simply coasting along on the crappiness of life, barely even aware of how they are behaving and totally unaware that it really doesn’t have to be that way. Not everyone, of course, but the majority. I say this because when I have tried to partake in deeper conversations with people I’ve met in bars/shops/wherever, the majority has looked at me like I’m a loon and made a bolt for the nearest exit door. Occasionally I happen upon similar-thinking people, but it seems sadly a rare occurrence.

When in truth, sometimes that fit the person is having over spilt coffee is really about a cancer diagnosis, or that person appearing to be upset over his team losing a game is really dealing with losing his job - feelings of failure (life failing us or we failing life) manifests itself in many ways.

I know. And having been there myself – and sometimes still venturing there myself – I know I need to remind myself of this more often. Again though, more often than not, I think it’s just that people are blindly caught up in the irksome ways of society.

I guess all we can do is worry about ourselves.

I think sometimes this is an ok approach but I also think that the irksome ways of the world that sometimes make me sigh are often the way they are because most people worry only about themselves all of the time. As long as I have people in my life that I care for, I’m guessing situations will always arise when I worry about them. Although saying that, as I believe worry is actually pointless wasted energy, I know that any worry I feel initially for any of my loved ones will just as quickly be converted into pro-activeness or acceptance that I can’t actually do anything to help or change a situation. But they will still be in my daily thoughts.

This brings me onto something vegaslocal39 said:

Every day I wake up worrying about what the day will bring.  I'm obsessive about making lists and keeping life in order....it's all about control.

I’m a list maker too, but I only make them to remember things or organize my thoughts; and more often than not – me being as ditsy as I am – the shopping list gets left on the coffee table as I’m heading out of the door!

If what you said is true, you are worrying your life away. We can’t control what the day will bring; we can only control our reactions to whatever it does bring and the role that we wish to play in it. Apparently positive thinking welcomes positive events and negative thinking welcomes negative events; I didn’t used to believe that until I gave it a try.

I believe that as humans (those with severe mental illness aside) we have the ability to take control of everything we think, feel, say and do; we have the ability to choose our reactions in any given situation; and we have to own our reactions, take responsibility for our actions.

Yesterday, I chose to be grumpy. I know hormones were playing a small part in it (as they still are today), but I didn’t worry about it; I just decided to go with it, knowing that in 2 or 3 days it will pass. But no-one else and nothing else caused my grumpiness; I take full responsibility for all my feelings and reactions, every single day.   

I totally identify with Iggy's remark, "Life was not a series of events so much as a series of purposeful booby traps set up to ruin my chances of just getting a break."

Here’s a newsflash: Life owes us nothing. It really is what we make it. It all comes down to keeping things in perspective, taking responsibility for who we are and accepting that sometimes shit just happens. And as long as you are living and breathing, you can not escape life; the self-destructive “escapist activities” you mention are all a part of your reality.

Anyone like me find a way to relax and find some inner peace?  Sitting on the beach every day would do it, but I still have to work for a living - damn.  God, I wish I coud find some peace.  Somebody show me the way.

The turning point for me was cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT); it flipped my whole world around in the best way ever. But admittedly, I sought the help out because I was ready to. I was generally a positive thinker anyway, just circumstances ground me down and contributed to me losing my perspective and ‘grip’ on things. I went into the therapy believing it would work for me; and it did.

The tools I came out with are now my blueprint for life; but it is an ongoing work in progress; and the occasional days I don’t apply the tools (like yesterday, for instance) are the days that the world sometimes gets me down.

Incidentally, sitting on a beach everyday will only work if your life away from the beach is working for you too; I know that from experience.

Meditation can help you achieve a certain sense of peace; you won’t find inner peace from outside things; inner peace can only come from within.

Phew. I need another nap now…

Melia

PS: Matty, I think LakeEriePoz was suggesting the 12 step program to vegaslocal39. But you may have a point about me needing to start drinking...maybe one or 2 ouzos whilst stuck in the shop...

[englishgirl]

Iggy:
Perhaps there is something to be said for a major crisis in ones life such as HIV as it does present the opportunity to see everything in perspective....and if one is lucky they recognize that.
Melia:
I totally concur with this. Unfortunately, from what I witness, most people struggle to recognize it though.

ditto ditto ditto

personally i actually think im happier and more appreciative now than ever before... and bizarrely i think my diagnosis helped me with that... maybe all the miserable moany people need something bad happen to them to make them realise what's important in life...

lots of love to all of you