Dark thoughts taking over

[Wolfie123]

I honestly keep having reoccuring suicidal thoughts.. Which i know we all (might) do. But i still feel like im just on auto pilot and once i fully absorb and process this  and start to tell my mom (if i do) that i might just snap and do it... In the mean time just clean up my life ,home and lighten any burdens... That id leave behind..bIve asked my case worker to look into a help group info or psychologists. I have my meds and im scared to start them i cry when i look at the bottle. Im having fits of where i could just destroy a whole room with these emotions and flip everything over and throw stuff... I feel like i have ptsd everythings a trigger word or verses in songs or shows.... I put my fingers to my head in moments where im alone and its different than when i used to joke about it.. It feels heavier... More intense.. My heart goes quiet and it scary but calm... And i truly feel for a second that this is what i want...

Im sorry if this is too much but if i dont write it or put it out there! It would happen sooner than later.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Again, I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

Being newly diagnosed can certainly be mind wrecking and a lot to digest between the news itself, appointments, pills and getting used to the idea of living with a manageable condition.

Many of us have been there, and I'm glad that you are reaching out for help. Did your case manager say how long the wait was for the referral?

If you start feeling that dark thoughts are taking over don't wait though go to the A&E (ER) and let them know how you are feeling, there are also people you can talk to on the phone I've included the links at the end of my post.

You mentioned you are scared to take your meds. Can you perhaps share what about the meds is scaring you or the thoughts you are having about them?

Keep us posted

Best, Jim


United States
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
1 800 273 TALK (8255)
Veteran/Military Crisis Line (for active US service members, veterans and family members)
http://www.veteranscrisisline.net
1 800 273 8255
SMS: 838255
The Trevor Project (for LGBT young people, friends and family members)
http://www.thetrevorproject.org
1 866 488 7386
Crisis Text Line
http://www.facebook.com/crisistextline (chat support)
SMS: Text "HERE" to 741-741

[Wolfie123]

You mentioned you are scared to take your meds. Can you perhaps share what about the meds is scaring you or the thoughts you are having about them?

Keep us posted

Best, Jim


United States
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
1 800 273 TALK (8255)
Veteran/Military Crisis Line (for active US service members, veterans and family members)
http://www.veteranscrisisline.net
1 800 273 8255
SMS: 838255
The Trevor Project (for LGBT young people, friends and family members)
http://www.thetrevorproject.org
1 866 488 7386
Crisis Text Line
http://www.facebook.com/crisistextline (chat support)
SMS: Text "HERE" to 741-741

Just the long term affect taking them will also have on my body besides what the hiv would do if i dont. So i know i have to take them eventually... And before i go see my doctor in december... Its so miniscule nut so important ... Im scared ill forget to take then and what will happen. Just still feeling that disappointment in myself when i look at the bottle. I just cry and go to a dark place... I keep thinking about how i found my dream of wanting to be a baker (which i still can do) and own a bakery but the stigma makes me feel like.im not worthy of that anymore... So i feel like im losing a part of something i love and makes me happy..  Im tryingto think of ways to disclose this to my mom but i draw blanks...
My case manager hasn't gotten back to me on the group. I told her the doctor recommends a peer to talk to because she feels i havrnt processed my diagnosis...

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

I agree with your doctor peer support is important, however, given the feelings you are having, I would say you might want to talk to a professional therapist as well, even if it's just at first to help you over the initial hurdle. 

Im scared ill forget to take then and what will happen.

Being scared of missing a dose, firstly it will happen. Nobody is perfect even the most experienced people who take medication for one or another condition will miss a pill from time to time.

Aim to have great adherence, have a routine when you take the meds, set a reminder on your phone or buy a pillbox to keep on track. Thankfully you are taking the VIP drug and missing a dose is not going to change or effect your treatment (See https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=73003.0 )

Look like many conditions the sooner you start treatment the better, particularly with HIV as it does both measured and unmeasured damage to your health without treatment.

.

I keep thinking about how i found my dream of wanting to be a baker (which i still can do) and own a bakery but the stigma makes me feel like.im not worthy of that anymore... So i feel like im losing a part of something i love and makes me happy.. 

To me, it sounds a bit like you are grieving a loss, like the preception of carefree health or being in an unjudged (feeling wise) position. Chances are this was going to happen at some point as there are so many manageable conditions in life that do come with a stigma attached to them and there will always be an asshole somewhere talking shit, to be frank. Keep in mind you can't control other people. 

I know that does not fix how you are feeling right now even though logically HIV with treatment does not prevent you from doing the things you want in life like running a bakery, owning a house, having kids if you want them, or living to a ripe old age.

You are at the start of a journey so I would say take it to step by step, for now. Get onto treatment, speak to a therapist, find peer support, give yourself time to adjust and try not to focus on things that are outside your control or simply have not happened or occurred yet and to be frank might never be an issue.

Best, Jim

[Wolfie123]

You are at the start of a journey so I would say take it to step by step, for now. Get onto treatment, speak to a therapist, find peer support, give yourself time to adjust and try not to focus on things that are outside your control or simply have not happened or occurred yet and to be frank might never be an issue.

Best, Jim

Ive sat and thought about different scenarios i have to call my case manager today and follow up on psychologist recommendation because id like to talk to someone about it and other things ... Like this self hate i feel subconsciously for myself.. I appreciate the input and opinions ive recieved here its helped a somewhat because i was feeling isolated and alone. But writing things out has helped.

[Jim Allen]

Well glad to hear writing things has helped somewhat and that you are following up with the caseworker today.

Keep us posted, you are not alone.

[Mindless]

Hey Wolfie,

don’t give up buddy! We are all on the same boat.

[harleymc]

It's not good that you are trying to navigate through life while you are feeling and thinking like this.

None of us have done anything to deserve those feelings.

Please seek out help because you deserve better than this.  Your local doctor should be able to assist, if not him/herself, then by referring you to people who can.  It'll initially feel hard getting to a happier place but it's well worth it.

Hugs from downunder

[BubbaPat]

Howdy Wolfie!

I hope you get online to read this... I've been exactly where you are when you started this thread.  The thoughts, the emotions... I've had them... and you know what??  I still do.

I went off my meds for a while because I just didn't care.  I don't think it was suicidal, nor some invincibility thing, it was a number of factors that all came to play at the time. I didn't feel bad, didn't really like my doc, thought of the pills as a scream "YOU"VE GOT HIV AND YOUR GONNA DIE OF IT"..  Every day.  Those were MY thoughts.

I see what your going through.  Yes.. you can get through this all.  Every minute, every hour, every day.  I don't know if you a religious person or not, I do believe in a power greater than all of us. I also believe we are all a part of that power.

There are days I get up and I could look up to the sun and still feel that I'm surrounded by darkness.  I understand your thoughts.. at least I think I do...  there is something in you and WE need to see it.  Not sure who exactly WE are but I know that when I read your post, I felt connected to it.  I felt that you aren't done yet.  I need you to read this and start taking your meds.. start to feel better. Start to push the darkness back.  Let the world... or list your corner of it know that YOU are here.  You may not be as smart as Einstein... you might be smarter.  You might not be as funny as Robin Williams... you might be funnier.

One day at a time. Some days that's all we get.... on more day.  Then another.  We take/get them as we can.

I hope this helps.

Bubba hugs!
(and yes.... feel free to ask what a 'bubba hug' actually is.