Edited to add: I would also ask the New Yorkers here if they would recommend http://www.gmhc.org/about-us or another ASO(s) to check out to save you time.
I am not going to answer why I am in the closet (That is certainly an issue and I will/am dealing with that). Why did I go to gay pride even though I am in the closet is not the reason I have started this thread…. I am in such an emotional predicament with my HIV issues that I am dealing with which I want to focus on here. Thanks everyone else for you guys informative suggestions, emotional supports which I need the most at this very moment. I love you guys for that!!!!
Why why why????? Why do I have to live like this?. There are so many times I have wished to be dead… I had wished to be part of plane crash. Even if I die tomorrow, I would not regret anything as long as I could protect my family from shame. I had one issue before. I was gay.now I am gay and HIV poz…double. Huh what to lose…Why can’t I go see a doc? If I go I would be on meds or know my health situation and life would be so much easier no one has to know in my family and I could live like the way I am living now…but why can’t I make myself go to see a doctor. It’s been over more than 6 years now…I can’t take it anymore…. May be it is better to be dead…. No worries……….I hope to not to wake up tomorrow morning. Lot of people die of heart attack during sleep. why can’t I be one of them… whats fun to live? Why do I have to live ? whats in it for me!!!! I am an educated person.. I always make rational decisions except for this one.. its been SIX+ years…. Long time to deal with.. I am tired… really tired….
You need time? You've been positie for over 6 years. You don't need time. You need to start taking responsibility for yourself. Grow a pair buddy
Matyy and Buginme you two are so mean.. I will never ever post anything like that for others specially making comments like that.. May be it was a bad idea coming here after all..
But Again, I have met Em, will, Hester, jg.. I need to focus on the positive.. If I hear any negetive comments I will not be here anymore... I am never mean to others.. why some people are like that.. make rude comments.. Some of you understood my problems.. may not agree with my decision.. but thanks for your support. I am crying right now.. why are some poeple so mean.. I didn't do anything..
Hi Will, Em and Nester,
You guys are giving me the support that I never had for all these years. Will I will go to see a doctor .. I need some time to work on.. get myself ready... Nester.. Thanks for the info. I had a question for you as it seems that you are not on meds and you had HIV 6 months prior to me.. is that mean you are very healthy..(Congrates..) which is very promising I was too up until recently I am still not sure I have got sick because of the stress.. or the immune .. that is the question.. Em, i want to come hug you right now.. These tears are good..I had been trying not to think about HIV for sooooo many years...... Sometimes.. I actually did forget about it.... except I knew I was gonna kill myself one day.. I have past those days. Reality did hit me. So, Yeaa... I need some hugs.. Thank you!!!!!
You're a fag. You have AIDS.
Actually, can you anyone proof HIV leads to AIDS?
Dear Since,
All of your conjecture aside, you are factless at present. In order to know if your dreams can come true, you need a viral load, CD4 and percentage.
We would all like to be able to put off meds for 6-7 years or better yet, forever. Me included! Thank goodness for RapidRod whose story I read early on here. He was FINE and med-free. And this went on for a VERY long time (I forget the number of years) and then, he tanked.
So, despite my sunny little attitude, after seven years and a viral load that never got much above 2,000 at any measured point, I had to face reality as my CD4's were being eroded little by little. So, I started meds. But, it was always RapidRod's experience that I kept in mind as illustration of - there are no guarantees. I was always prepared for the table to turn.
Doesn't matter whether there are no appointments this week, or Saturday walk-ins, or social engagements on your calendar -- if you are serious about making your health and knowledge a priority, then you must figure out what to do. One day of focus on your part will get the process started.
I have a friend who is MENSA-level brilliant -- extraordinary -- but what I've observed is she constructs an airtight argument to eloquently justify every self-destructive behavior she is wedded to completing. It seems to be a similar path for you.
Words will not get your job done -- only action will. Fear, you are going to learn soon, is a very expensive emotion.
Em
My life has been wonderful for last seven years. No worries (may be at times.. but not really). No doctor visits, just lived a very normal life. Can you believe to get into a routine where you go to a doctor on a regular basis, worry about your CD4/Viral load count, worry about when to start meds and to top it off worry about the side effects that come along with it. My current situation is worry free...
Em, I had the exact same experience--hearing RapidRod's story shocked me a great deal, how he was fine and had really great numbers for years and years and then suddenly collapsed all at once. I even asked my doctor about it at the time, and she said such a case is very rare. Most people will see a decline bit by bit. But because of that story I do not think that I will just wander away from getting tested periodically, as I am sometimes tempted to do.Thanks for sharing that, Nestor. I'm glad his story had the same effect on you.
Jig, I will refrain myself from answering that. There are docs for and against it and trust me I have been reading them all for last seven years.
Just because someone is HIV+ doesn't mean they have AIDS.
He might be a fag, but he doesn't have AIDS until someone qualified says so.
I don't think I'm in any position to counsel you since I am depressed out of my mine... I'm 29 and have been diagnosed for just over a week now and I can understand what you have gone through when you were diagnosed... but this past week I've been running from one clinic to another and from one lab to another just to make sure that I can set up a good treatment strategy and be able to live healthy... I actually don't care if I die tomorrow or if I die in 20 years, I just don't want my family to get sad from me passing or I hate to suffer before dying and that is the main reason I used to frequently test for HIV so that if and when I become positive I will be able to fight it head on and early on...You are in a position to counsel and you gave great advice.
you really need to see a doctor and a councillor and start your treatment which may or may not include medication. But take control of your condition and at the same time you can forget about HIV while it's under your control...
Seriously, unless you come from a village in tribal areas of Pakistan where all the women are covered from head to toe (and you said you don't) and 'honour killings' take place if one doesn't marry as per their parent’s wishes,
"PULEASE. Grow up, child"
It's so much easier said than done.....I guess; when fearing / facing possible deportation at some point, having no insurance or access to health care AND dealing with the earlier mentioned "family dilemma's".
Ditch the family, and next what when he HAS to return to his native country ....in a place he doesn't want to be for obvious reasons?
@ the OP: wish you strength and courage to make the appropriate decisions. = Stay healthy and save your life.
Where did the op ever state he would be "facing deportation or has no insurance or access to health care?"
Regardless Grasshopper, even if all those were true there is really only 2 choices, get sick and die or go to the doctor and start treatment. We can make excuses, and some of them may be very valid and may be extremely tough choices. But in the end, it comes back to you either get sick or get treatment.
I understand its a real cultural challenge for you coming out as gay, and on top of that, having HIV. Thanks for sharing.
Its two different issues - keeping yourself healthy by addressing your HIV, and who and when you disclose that you are gay and HIV+. So, three issues, even!
Are you a permanent resident of the US?
:_____________
DO NOT DENY YOURSELF to live full happy life - because you ARE who you are. If a family or a culture can't deal with it, that's terrible, but in the end, that means you have to say well, too bad for them. What are you going to do. Never have a lover, boyfriend? Not treat your HIV. Get horribly sick? Not have a career? Go back home to die a horrible mess and whats more, as a pariah - as you put it.... PULEASE. Grow up, child.
You don't owe people more than respect and love and if they can't give it in return, tough shit for them. You live your life. You have EVERY advantage. Imagine gays in repressive cultures who can't go live in NYC and don't have university educations. And if they get HIV or other tough diseases, they die horrible deaths. You're being VERY selfish, my dear.
Now the next post we want to hear that you have gone to a clinic and started the process. Enough is enough.
I have been dealing with my ‘HIV issues’ for so long…. It is time to take next steps. I did not tell you, I did an appointment last week and ended up canceling it as I was feeling so wired about it. It’s hard to explain. Good news is I have made another appointment with a clinic and I hope to keep it. I want to start the process. I can’t explain in words how I felt when I have made that appointment ( as they were asking my DOB, address, name etc.) but I did. Hope this is it!!!!
I have waited six and half years so I guess one month is reasonable. May be I am procrastinating, may be I am getting myself ready.You shouldn't lie to yourself anymore (or to us but that's neither here nor there LOL). If you have not done anything about your HIV for 6.5 yrs, don't fool yourself into thinking that you have been "dealing with your HIV issues for so long". All you have been doing are worrying about your HIV issues. Without having done any labwork, speaking with a doctor, or getting treatment, you've actually done nothing towards really dealing with your HIV issues. Thinking and worrying about HIV is not really "dealing with" HIV, it's just procrastinating (there's no "maybe" about it). "Dealing with" HIV issues at least requires seeing a doctor and finding out the status of your viral load and tcell count.
I have lots of hesitation going to doctor due to my ‘family/cultural dilemma’ as you already know about that. I could never ‘ditch’ my family. All I worry about that they will get hurt because of me and they will have to ‘disown’ me. I can’t think of losing them.
Wait a second ! Now I am a criminal ( to my body), I am selfish, Thanks guys, I really needed that. How about " Hey since, I am glad you made an appointment, good luck with that".
Oh C'mon Since. No one is attacking you. I and everyone here would be most happy once you actually go to the doctor.nor was I attacking you. I was just telling you the truth.
Thanks guys, I really needed that. How about " Hey since, I am glad you made an appointment, good luck with that".Yes, you did need to hear that. If you can't even go to a doctor to treat a condition you know you have then you sure don't need someone coddling you; but someone to motivate you into getting up and going to properly take care of your health. Making an appointment might be the first step; but it doesn't change anything and doesn't really count as having done anything. Going to actually see the doctor/clinic will be the first actual step towards doing something. There's no reason to tell you "good job" when you haven't really done to change or fix your situation.
How do I live a normal life like I used to?
I told him that I would want to see at least 4 med stats ( unless I see a downtrends) before I decide on taking medications. I will not given in, no way no how.
My motto is “Keep monitoring your health and wait to see the trend in your med stat before you decide on the medications".
I will wait as long as I can before I start meds.that's so silly. ::)
I can understand and relate to your ambivalence regarding when to commence therapy. Mental preparation and level of acceptance of this new reality is essential before you make a lifetime commitment to drugs and that cannot be understated, especially when one has the option of waiting- as you and I do at this point. It goes without saying, that had my CD4 been around 350 region I would have started therapy without batting an eyelid.
I still have bouts of getting emotional about my diagnosis and am quite capable of discontinuing the drugs mid-way in a fit of rage or frustration (or so I think any way). Going by your posts, my feeling is that you haven’t yet completely accepted and come to terms with “living with this virus” - at least not yet, and in such a situation it isn’t wise to take the plunge so quickly. Besides, I really don’t think waiting for a couple of labs 3-4 months apart will hurt you in any way.
What’s critical is that you get your blood work done every 3-4 months and keep monitoring your CD4 and VL and start medication when the time arrives, taking into account your doctor’s expertise, the treatment guidelines and of course your readiness.
What I meant is that one must be mentally prepared to a lifetime of adherence, and that requires a level of acceptance of the diagnosis.
Precisely here I disagree. This "mental preparedness" is hardly an obligatory prerequisite to starting HAART.
Precisely here I disagree. This "mental preparedness" is hardly an obligatory prerequisite to starting HAART. Many people start without this and find, in addition to the main little benefit of it wiping out an active HIV infection and rebuilding healthy immunity, psychological benefits as well. Win win.
A subject for its own thread, perhaps.
a hesitant type supposing himself/herself not "mentally ready" could be just more avoidance, delusion, self-destruction, whatever. could be.
This "mental preparedness" is hardly an obligatory prerequisite to starting HAART. Many people start without this and find, in addition to the main little benefit of it wiping out an active HIV infection and rebuilding healthy immunity, psychological benefits as well. Win win.exactly! that's why I have such a hard time understanding all the moaning and hand-wringing about starting HAART. According to the stats 1/3 of us find out we have HIV by being in the hospital with an AIDS-defining illnesses. In those situations, the doctors tell you to start taking these meds (HAART) and pray you don't die before they have the chance to work. There's no time for "mental preparedness". LOL
-From my reading of all his posts (especially the most recent one) he is not mentally prepared to start right now and that is his choiceI am not saying you are not incorrect but that’s not the reason I want to delay my meds treatment
Given that Since went 6 whole years without even following up on his diagnosis, jumping on the meds bandwagon based on a single test when he himself states that he is not readyYou are correct on the single test issue. However, I will tell you that like you, I would start HAART in a heartbeat and would ‘Jump on the meds bandwagon’ if my CD4 count were 350 or nearing that area with a high viral load to save my life.
Well I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this- in the context of Since's predicament.I agree, I have a harder predicament but this also could be a bit misleading since I stated earlier that the reason I want to wait to start meds is not my predicaments, not my HIV acceptance issues, or its not even the adherence or commitment issues. I would still need to wait to get more med stats to get an understanding of my HIV status before I even get to that point of commitment. I agree that everyone including myself would have to deal with the commitment issues eventually when time comes. When it comes to a matter of saving life, I will start taking HAART even if I am not ready for commitment as I stated earlier. Having said that, You and I are on the same page finding out more on the trends of the med stats before making any decisions on meds.
Listen closely to his rationale. And, do some reading in advance of your visit with him. I suggest you make a truly informed decision, not once based on will or whim.
Please don't mistake low viral load with being an elite controller.
….you couldn't even put into words the rationale the Doc gave for wanting you to start.Same rationale that thousands of other Docs have previously stated to others to support of starting meds as early as after the first med stats regardless of the stable numbers even if it is contradictory with stated guidelines without observing and following the trends of the HIV status. Hope, you got the points on the rationale...
So in the coming months get another opinion from another doc, directly to your face, and digest the professional advice from 2 people.I thought I did like my doctor so I will try to stay with him for now and don’t worry, there are still Docs around who supports staying off meds if its possible (by following the monitoring concepts) like Ann, space , Nestor (He is in the States and I can't think of any others right this second) who have not been on meds yet infected with HIV a while ago. I may (or may not) switch to similar kind of Doc like them to meet your requirements of ‘getting professional advice’. ;)
Please don't mistake low viral load with being an elite controller.No, I don’t qualify to be an Elite Controller but I am hoping to be a LTSP given my current numbers stay steady and it will be 7 years in Jan/Feb next year since I became Poz. So, I may qualify. If I start the meds now, I will never know. I want to give myself that chance.. hey you never know..
I do predict you'll be now moving faster on not ruminating about HIV and HAART.Thanks. I have already discussed with my Doc and he agreed that we would wait to see what happens in next lab report only after I stated my concerns and he listened. We will not call that as ruminating HIV and HAART. Rather lets say 'Monitor your health/HIV'
My motto is “Keep monitoring your health regularly and wait to see the trend in your med stats before you decide on the medications".Enough said. I believe it's very clear to all where I stand with my approach.
I don't understand this "I need to be ready to take medication" mindset that persists on these forums. Much of the time it is spoken by those who happily pop their pills each and every night without the slightest issue. Maybe if those who are on medication would speak truthfully about how they got used to it very quickly, or became ready once they started, those not on meds yet wouldnt be so freaked out.
. You have some major denialist issues.
@Killfoile. People do listen. When I started on meds I was nervous (like everyone else was). But many people on this forums told me not to worry and explained how I would feel and what to expect. I have to say what people told me was 99% positive about taking meds and it turned out ALL TO BE TRUE. I'm glad people didnt tell me to wait or question whether I was ready or not. After all who wants to take meds for a lifetime. If you asked me was I ready? The answer would have been NO. But I did it anyway and IT WASNT HARD.
People come to this forum for support and reassurance that they will be okay. Taking meds is a nervous period. It drives me crazy that when people come here just before starting meds that people here ask them if they are ready and to "wait and see". They arent taking the SAT's they are taking a pill. Its not that hard.
OK my ranting is over. Peace out aids peeps.
Bug,
Please explain the statement in bold.
Maybe we would if anybody would actually listen. Frankly I don't understand this entire thread, nor the OP. All I read are excuses for not monitoring his health and then incessant whining about how he takes care of his health and will only consider meds after having trends, yada, yada, yada. I call bullshit. Starting meds can be really easy, assuming you don't want to die from AIDS. Yes it really is that simple. People think that HIV is just no big deal and they are wrong, but they don't want to hear that, because that may upset them.
Guess what, you have a disease that if left untreated, will kill you. So you need to decide if you would rather live or die and act accordingly. HIV is not a spectator sport and to assume that even if your health seriously declines, that the meds will save you, is the utmost in stupidity. My eyes glaze over in threads like these, because far too many people are worried about hurting the OPs feelings.
It really is simple, if you want to live with HIV, you must take control and that involves many areas of your life. If you want to live, you have to stop being afraid of your own shadow or the views of people, who are not you, nor do they have HIV. If you allow others, or the fear of what others think of you, to influence your ability to successfully treat your HIV, then you have no one to blame but yourself.
Seriously, you were adult enough to become poz and assuming you want to live, get a grip and start paying attention.
--- I have no idea what are you talking about here. I don't find any relation to what we are currently discussing. Frankly, I don’t care to know. As I have noticed your tone “I call bullshit “ types of attitudes in the past in some other threads with certain forum member and others. Honestly, I am not a big fan of these attitudes and won’t allow the repeats. So, May be I was wrong when I said we can always learn from each others, may be its better to stay away sometimes and avoid. I ALWAYS try to find the 'caring mind' underneath but you did upset me tonight with your continued degrading comments towards others. None of your comments will be replied mostly just to avoid unnecessary conflicts that will not serve any purpose for me. So, here is what I am gonna do I will ‘leave you’ and stop writing things that I will regret later.
--- I have no idea what are you talking about here. I don't find any relation to what we are currently discussing. Frankly, I don’t care to know. As I have noticed your tone “I call bullshit “ types of attitudes in the past in some other threads with certain forum member and others. Honestly, I am not a big fan of these attitudes and won’t allow the repeats. So, May be I was wrong when I said we can always learn from each others, may be its better to stay away sometimes and avoid. I ALWAYS try to find the 'caring mind' underneath but you did upset me tonight with your continued degrading comments towards others. None of your comments will be replied mostly just to avoid unnecessary conflicts that will not serve any purpose for me. So, here is what I am gonna do I will ‘leave you’ and stop writing things that I will regret later.
Sorry, that was directed at the OP. I say that because since his first post he has made excuse after excuse about why he hadnt been to a doctor in 5+ years after testing positive (cultural issues, gay issues, economic issues, etc) and now his statements about being an elite controller or LTNP and the statement he made about finding a doctor that will wait until his CD4 drops to below 350 to start meds (good luck with that in the US).When did I ever say any of that? Please re-read again ( or look at the comment below). I said I like my current doc and will use 350 as threshold line (after consulting with Doc), which is totally different when you say " the statement he made about finding a doctor that will wait until his CD4 drops to below 350 to start meds". What has gotten into you? I have expected better than these really. I know you personally from day one who never understood my problems which are very personal things that I have decided to share with rest of the world, but later I thought you at least tried to get it you yet still think they are "excuses" not "issues". Excuses of what? I have to say if you must know you have disappointed me.
Sorry Mech, I thought I read in reply 107 that he was hoping he was a LTNP.It's LTSP in reply 107. You do know the differences, don't you?
No, I don’t qualify to be an Elite Controller but I am hoping to be a LTSP given my current numbers stay steady and it will be 7 years in Jan/Feb next year since I became Poz. So, I may qualify. If I start the meds now, I will never know. I want to give myself that chance.. hey you never know..
(Kill, the accomplishment of the month is that Since went from Aug 2, maybe suicidal, quite in denial, to having entered the medical system. I think you misread the thread. As of now he is monitoring his HIV. Onwards, and hopefully upwards!)
..you have had 7 years and you are still not monitoring your health. I get frustrated ..But I am monitoring my health. I am going to doc, and started the medical process and have done my first lab works and set my next visit with my doc to follow up...see ;)
I don't know if this has been mentioned, since this is such a long post. But although great news on the labs, I am curious if you are getting labs done monthly.
The OP hadn't had any lab work done --at all-- since 2005. Probably 80 to 90% of the replies in this thread address that issue.
Rev, he said he did and posted the numbers in reply #89.
Rev, he said he did and posted the numbers in reply #89.
But, this post is really only an excuse to say, what is all that going on in the Rev's avatar!!!?? ;D
Like? ;D. You know me and my kooky avz