feeling good, tired of looking sick!

[antibody]

i've been feeling really good lately. both physical and in pretty good mental spirit but i guess that does not show on the outside? I was having lunch at work, outside at some picnic tables and a homeless guy sits next to me and starts conversation. I don't really want to talk to him but i'm polite. anyways all in all he asks me if I am sick. I say no. I'm not and he goes into are you sure? you look sick man. you look like you have AIDS. I say nope. no AIDS. Are you sure he says. Positive! I say. It's none of his fucking business. but the thing that sticks out is i guess i do look sick. it sucks. i take my meds have 1100 tcells and undetectable but you would never know it. I have color to my face and don't look sick but if you look hard enough, I do.... I don't want to be sad. I was in a good mood but  it is hard to deal with it knowing I look sick to everybody else.

[GSOgymrat]

I can relate to what you are experiencing. It is surprisingly upsetting when people, especially strangers, think you look sick. When people we know think we look "tired" or "not feeling well" it is easier to mentally write off because they care, they know us and they can identify when we don't look like ourselves. When a stranger points out that we look sick it is worse because we know they have no point of reference as to what we look like and we know we must look bad for a stranger to point it out. It is ironic because when I was at my worst medically I looked fine and when I had my best counts I looked my worst. I had a female clerk at Blockbuster casually tell me "Your face looks wierd. You look like a character from Star Trek or something." It ruined my whole day.

[ademas]

My doctor pointed it out to an intern during one of my appointments...my facial wasting.
I wasn't even aware that I had much facial wasting.
I'm sure he can spot it more than a stranger on the street, and no one else has said anything to me--although if I drop a few pounds (like 10 lbs., which I would like to do...), that's when people start asking if I'm sick.
Sorry antibody.  I know it sucks, and it sure dings the self-confidence, and the overall sense of well-being, even when things are going well on the health front.

[BT65]

Antibody, not to try to downplay what you're feeling, but I wouldn't put a lot of stock into what that man said.  Anyway, the important thing is how you're feeling.  Screw what other people think.

[David_CA]

Antibody, not to try to downplay what you're feeling, but I wouldn't put a lot of stock into what that man said.  Anyway, the important thing is how you're feeling.  Screw what other people think.

Well said.  Who knows the mental status of this guy or what drugs he may be on (or not on if he needs them).  We're often our own harshest critics.  You know your status.  It's easy for you to say that you look sick.  How do YOU feel?  How do YOU feel about how you look?  Don't let the guy get to you.

On the other hand, I think sometimes we're more 'in tune' with HIV / AIDS.  I guess I'm trying to say that sometimes I think we can tell when another has HIV.  Perhaps the guy was HIV+ and 'felt' you were too.  There are numerous guys that I've felt were HIV+ and turned out to be (HIVdar). 

David

[ANGEL42]

I look in the the Mirror every morning and say" I am Beautiful, no matter what they say"....My favorite Christine A. Song. Find the positive in the fact that your numbers are great and that your feeling well. Walk with your head held high and who cares what other people think. We are warriors, strong, confident and beautiful.

Positive Affirmations work, just say them everyday and it does get better...

  ANGEL

[dixieman]

I understand what your talking about... I'm fortunate to have good bone structure but, I've lost soooo much fat off my face and body I look like a human anatomy model... I now have the clint eastwood look and every vein in my body shows along with muscle... My sister mentioned to me about having some type of filler put into my face in key points... but, sooooo far I do not look sick as yet... I'm checking into possible pmma and or sculptura... and I think I'll try sculptura first because I think I only need alittle filler... we will see... be happy with yourself... outward appearences fade...

[Iggy]

I agree with Betty not to put too much stock into what the guy said because frankly a stranger offering you that kind of reflection on how you look has some form of motive that goes beyond altruistic observation.

Also, I used to get really angry when I worked at the bank and my boss would remark at times at how sick I looked - unfortunately she always did this whenever I had been really good about eating well, working out and sleeping a full night's rest. 

All that said, I can't change your fear that your virus is showing (so to speak) other then to say that your mental fear of it is probably a lot worse then anything someone could probably spot with the naked eye.

[allopathicholistic]

a homeless guy sits next to me and starts conversation. I don't really want to talk to him but i'm polite. anyways all in all he asks me if I am sick. I say no. I'm not and he goes into are you sure? you look sick man. you look like you have AIDS.

I think the person was trying to push your buttons.

Also, I used to get really angry when I worked at the bank and my boss would remark at times at how sick I looked - unfortunately she always did this whenever I had been really good about eating well, working out and sleeping a full night's rest. 

She was definitely trying to push buttons. If someone tries to push buttons with me I just say "You can't push my buttons." (and smile) And of course they'll say "What do you mean?" (which is further pushing of buttons) Then you just repeat your first answer over and over with a smile.

[mjmel]

This is why i had plastic (PMMA) placed under my cheeks. Gave me a full set of cheeks again.
It was not only HIV related fat loss but decades of on-off-on-off alcohol, drugs, and R&R which aged me a pace faster than my genetics would have.
Anyway, I looked like I was sick. I did suffer mentally because of it. So I had the procedure(s) and it helped tremendously.
Tremendously.

Mike