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Author Topic: My New Boyfriend Tested HIV Positive  (Read 2892 times)

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Offline JohnB

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  • Posts: 4
My New Boyfriend Tested HIV Positive
« on: December 23, 2016, 01:02:42 pm »
I started dating a guy in July. We fell in love very quickly. He is an amazing person and I can't imagine my life without him. We used condoms in the beginning and then described to go off of them. A few weeks later I purchased some HIV test just to confirm that we were negative. Well I was negative and he was positive. He freaked completely out and it took till early morning hours to calm him down. The next morning we went to a clinic and retested him. He was positive with a CD4 of 270 and VL of 25,000. Since then he has started a treatment program and has been on it since October.

Recently everything seemed good. We had a rough time in the beginning but he seemed very strong and adjusting well. We lived in separate cities and I moved to his city to be closer to him. We talked of moving in together and starting our life.

One day we got into a fight and he decided to move to his parents house. I have a great apartment that I rented for both of us. For the last 50 days he has only spent 2 nights with me. I see him almost every day and we text all day. He works and I'm semi retired. I have explained to him that I feel like he is pushing me away. That instead of growing closer and building a life, I feel like I am living alone. He said he needed time to find himself after our fight and wanted to slow things down. I was giving him that time.

Last night he confessed to me that he cries every day. He has been hiding his depression from me. He wanted me to believe he was strong. He does see a therapist that his family has used for years. But since the therapist knows his family he is afraid to tell her he is HIV+. I suggested that he really needs to find another therapist. He says he has an appointment in early January.

I love this man more than anyone I have ever loved. He is truly and incredible person. I know he feels the same about me. But I am concerned that his mental state may drive him away from me. I am also concerned that he has become unpredictable. I have a lot invested in him emotionally. If I loose him it would be devastating. I want us to be closer. I want to marry him and spend my life with him.

At this point I am just not sure what I should do. It's hard to support someone who hides his feeling from you. Is he really happy or just pretending? When he was diagnosed, I knew that would not affect my feelings for him. But I never imagined that his emotional state would make me question our stability. I am here to support him any way I can. I don't care if he cries every day. I will hold him until he feels better. I don't want to give up on him. But if he pushes me away I don't know what I can do. We haven't even been together 6 months and we have been through so much. I moved 2000 miles away to a foreign country to be with him and now I am alone most of the time.

Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to loose him.


Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: My New Boyfriend Tested HIV Positive
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2016, 01:21:39 pm »
Hiya. It sounds like you should get a therapist too.
Most of what you say about him and what you have told us here about what you say TO him seems pretty straight-forward. Its RIDICULOUS that he sees a shrink who doesn't know he's HIV+ and to boot just been diagnosed.  That's just silly in my opinion.

In another broader frame, my opinion is that you went way to fast on this. 

Does he have any history of relationships?  Well? 

He's dealing with a lot with the HIV but maybe also with cold feet about you.  Yep - he's pushing you away and why? Could be many reasons. Only you 2 could figure them out.  But you've really boxed him in if you moved to another country (!) invited him into your home to live with you (sounds like a power/money imbalance) and profess your unconditional love and forever and forever, that kind of stuff.  In less than 6 months. Who do you know in your new life, another country, besides him?  He's quickly become the centre of your life. That could give anyone cold feet.

Can you see that as a bit of a risk you took and as something potentially heavy for him?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline JohnB

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Re: My New Boyfriend Tested HIV Positive
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2016, 01:55:26 pm »
Well that was tough to read, but I appreciate your candor and many of your points are valid. Yes we did move at warp speed. I don't think either of us have felt so strongly for another person. He has limited relationship experience that wasn't very good. He is openly gay, but has never been a part of the gay community. All his friends are straight.

Yes I have more money than he does, but he his self sufficient and works as an executive for a US company. He has a masters degree in finance and loves his work. He is highly motivate to achieve success in the business world. I don't think money is an issue for us. I think he wants someone who is also successful and self sufficient. He prefers mature men.

I didn't see the boxing him in aspect. He has said that he feels a lot of pressure between work, family, me and HIV. That makes sense. And you're right, he is the center of my universe since I have only lived here for a few months. I know I need to get out and make friends and find my own outlets.

I guess after listening to your opinion, the best thing is to slow it down and let him move at his own pace. Take a chance and hope I don't loose him. I really want to be there and support him. But I guess he has to want that support.

Thanks for your candor. I really appreciate it.

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 13,455
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: My New Boyfriend Tested HIV Positive
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2016, 03:07:06 pm »
Would you care to share the age difference?

Have you met his family and are you welcomed into it?

Well - I wish you two a Merry Christmas, if you're christians, that is.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline JohnB

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  • Posts: 4
Re: My New Boyfriend Tested HIV Positive
« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2016, 10:04:28 am »
I'm 55 and he is 30. Don't judge. The family is an issue. They have never met his boyfriends. He has told them about me, but they are working through some issues.

I'm not a Christian, but he is. Merry Christmas to you.

Offline Wade

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Re: My New Boyfriend Tested HIV Positive
« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2016, 10:20:15 am »
Age means nothing to some , lots of men and women like and are attracted older men.
One thing is true though, a caged bird will fly away fist chance it gets, let him come to you on his own terms when he is ready.

Happy Holidays to you , Wade
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Offline JohnB

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  • Posts: 4
Re: My New Boyfriend Tested HIV Positive
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2016, 10:50:13 am »
Thanks, that good advice and something I have recently realized.

Happy Holidays to you too Wade.


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