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Author Topic: Can someone help me help a friend?  (Read 1223 times)

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Offline Mofran

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  • Posts: 3
Can someone help me help a friend?
« on: October 03, 2017, 06:33:19 pm »
Hello, my name is Fran and i need urgent help... My best and only friend was diagnosed with HIV+ 6 months ago and ever since his life has been pure hell...
to give some context, he suffers from bipolar disorder (he has abrupt and uncontrollable mood changes in his normal life, from extreme depression to manic behaviour) this is a major part on why he has the disease, for people who may not know, when a person is in a manic state all his inhibitions and common sense are thrown out the window only leaving place for pure impulses, and this is what happened, this is the reason why he got infected...
he took it horribly at first, he had some history with attempting suicides, and i knew that i had to be there for him since his family didn't knew it by that point, he is already in ART by this point.
Time passed and he told his family, he didn't attempted to commit suicide but he did talked to me a lot about it, while i tried to reason and telling him everything i could.

he lost his job because of all the times he had to go to public hospitals and doctors and all the stigma he had to endured in those horrible places made his state of mind even worse(in our country is kinda worse) so he couldn't handle the stress and his boss wasn't much of a help even when they knew his situation.

Time passed again and its where we are now, he is losing control of his situation, mostly due to lack of money for his various problems even with the monetary help of his family isn't enough, his very fast and troublesome metabolism, he burns calories way  to fast so he needs to eat a lot, which he isn't able to pay for, but he is losing weight even though he is forcing himself to eat cause of his depression, he also has HPV warts that have been worsen by the day, the medication doesn't work for the moment so he has to get cryotherapy, but that's also too expensive for him, and the warts are very bad right now.
There is plenty more things about it that i will refrain from saying cause i feel this is too long...
Right now He feels weak and broken and it destroys me to see him like that, and even tho that he has said some bad things to me, i want to help him no matter what, I'm currently trying to get a job to help to get something done at least, even tho i quit my last job for my own anxiety problems and depression (way before knowing this would happen) but that will take a while and he needs help as soon as possible, i really need to help him... i don't want to lose him...
this is my first time posting anything online, so i apologize if this seems a little too long, i want to thank anyone who happens to read this whole thing... even if i don't get a response i really appreciate your time.  :)

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 13,451
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Can someone help me help a friend?
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2017, 03:13:05 pm »
Well we can see your heart goes out to him.

In your country are there any sort of social workers or case managers of any kind that help to manage either 1) a person with mental illness or 2) an HIV+ person? 

If not through the government, also through the church?

Also, is there any financial assistance of any kind that your friend could have and doesn't have yet?

As for bi-polar people, I have had friends who have provided all sorts of support for bi-polar people, either friends, lovers, or family.  It is NOT easy and it NEVER really satisfactory or sufficient.  It is support that NEVER ends.  A person entering into such a support role needs to take stock of his/her limits and boundaries.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Mofran

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  • Posts: 3
Re: Can someone help me help a friend?
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2017, 11:53:05 pm »
Thank you very much for responding, and I'm sorry i couldn't answer earlier.
to be honest with you, my country is a little backwards when it comes to mental health or health in general.
my friend was with a social worker before, it was when he was still working cause he needed a sick leave but they weren't given it to him, they basically told him to suck it up while he got accustomed to the medications and they were very aggressive about it too  >:( (he threw up several times a day and felt very weak) the social worker did kinda helped with what she could but that was it, at the end they wanted to find a way to fire him without having to. but he quit before long of that for obvious reasons.
from a lot of experiences I've heard from family the government is practically useless and churches here are the very definitiontoo (way to much judgment and stigma cause he is gay and of course he is not willing to go through that, understandably and i agree with him on that one)
 
and as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't really have much of a choice for financial assistance, mostly cause he has told me he tried to find some alternatives but found nothing on his end and the only option he has is to get a job (which i can tell he is really not ready for it).
i was even thinking about researching crowdfunding for it, but it had to be with people outside of my country, cause he would like to keep this a secret to any person who may know him, i know this idea is sort of dumb, I'm just grasping at straws here...
and about the bipolar disorder, since I've known him for so long, I've come to understand him quite a lot, but recently he has gotten a little more "honest" with what he feels about me and then again, i just get him, i get he is in terrible stress and that my words cannot reach him that easily and that i cant connect like we used to, or even ask for some support, and I'm willing to be his support as long as he wishes to... I'm sorry i get too personal and too talkative about this, i just don't really have no one to share this situation of ours.
Thank you very much again.

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 13,451
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Can someone help me help a friend?
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2017, 05:48:32 pm »
Well sounds like you've decided to commit to a support role. All I can say is to repeat my little wisdom and experience about this:

supporting a bi-polar person.  With no economic independence, to boot.  It is NOT easy and it is NEVER really satisfactory or sufficient.  It is support that NEVER ends.  A person entering into such a support role needs to take stock of his/her limits and boundaries. (that means you).
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Mofran

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  • Posts: 3
Re: Can someone help me help a friend?
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2017, 09:47:25 pm »
Thank you very much, i really appreciate the advice and im gonna take it into account from now on.  :)

Offline Mindless

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  • Posts: 70
Re: Can someone help me help a friend?
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2017, 10:57:39 pm »
Well sounds like you've decided to commit to a support role. All I can say is to repeat my little wisdom and experience about this:

supporting a bi-polar person.  With no economic independence, to boot.  It is NOT easy and it is NEVER really satisfactory or sufficient.  It is support that NEVER ends.  A person entering into such a support role needs to take stock of his/her limits and boundaries. (that means you).

As an (ex) son of a bipolar mother I can say these are extremely wise words to be taken into serious and real account.

Offline Stone

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  • Posts: 56
Re: Can someone help me help a friend?
« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2017, 10:22:14 pm »
While I agree that you need to support your friend I also urge extreme caution.  You need to establish firm boundaries and be careful that you don't become codependent. Separate what you can reasonably expect to help with and what your friend needs to do for himself.  You shouldn't be working harder to find solutions than he is.  To do so projects a belief that he is helpless and undermines any control and responsibility he has in the situation.  Also establish under what circumstances you will help.  For example, if he stops taking his bipolar medication (which is typical for bipolar patients) maybe you limit the number of phone calls you accept in a day and assume only a listening roll until he is again med compliant and making progress.  Doing so allows you to take care of yourself and tend to things in your life that you can control while not spending time and energy trying to manage something that is not yours to manage.  It is also important that any limit setting surrounding things like medication compliance or life choices be kept within yourself and not told to him as they will probably be taken as a threat or manipulation to gain compliance.  This is not the goal.  You can not (nor should you) impose your will or wishes on him or his behavior. Limit setting is strictly self preservation so you remain healthy and able to help him when he is in a position to accept it.

 


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