My Boyfriend & I Are Both HIV+

[kajore94]

My boyfriend and I are both HIV+ and semi-recently diagnosed.
My boyfriend is very depressed, and refuses to talk to a mental health professional.  Hell, he barely wants to talk to me about it!  I don't know what to do...I love him very much.  I'm very worried he might do something to himself, just based on the comments he makes off-handedly.
Today he told me this:
"I have no more drive anymore I don't think about my end goals in life cause its all the same, working every day to be able to work another day, but what am I gonna do if I don't have this job? Thats what I think about the most, what insurance company is gonna cover me knowing I cost 6 grand a month, how would I even be able to afford the insurance if I did find someone?  I fake being happy everyday cause thats all i can really do.  Instead of working for a better life, I'm working to have a life."
A few minutes later I got this text from him as well:
"What good does that support system bullshit do?  How are y'all (me and his mom) gonna make my life any more different, as of now I have nothing to look forward to.  I have to go to work, so I can have health insurance, to pay for this treatment, so  I can stay healthy enough to wake up the next day to do it all over again.  That is what I get to look forward to, and since HIV is treatable its not considered a terminal sickness so it don't qualify for death with dignity in any of the states that allow it."

I have no idea what to say to him or do for him.  I just need resources and someone to point me in the right direction to be able to help him. 
If you know of any programs (not Ryan White, he aged out), please send em my way!!!

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Sorry to hear that your partner is struggling.

How are you doing/feeling? You mention treatment and your partner, but are you taking treatment, and if so, how is the treatment going? How are you labs looking?

My boyfriend and I are both HIV+ and semi-recently diagnosed.

Not sure what that means. So 2-3 years ago, prehaps or more recent?

Today he told me this:
"I have no more drive anymore I don't think about my end goals in life cause its all the same, working every day to be able to work another day, but what am I gonna do if I don't have this job? Thats what I think about the most, what insurance company is gonna cover me knowing I cost 6 grand a month, how would I even be able to afford the insurance if I did find someone? 

So currently, your partner only has insurance through the employer?

"What good does that support system bullshit do?  How are y'all (me and his mom) gonna make my life any more different, as of now I have nothing to look forward to.  I have to go to work, so I can have health insurance, to pay for this treatment, so  I can stay healthy enough to wake up the next day to do it all over again.  That is what I get to look forward to, and since HIV is treatable its not considered a terminal sickness so it don't qualify for death with dignity in any of the states that allow it."

Well, life tends to be going to work to pay the bills, and then you die, at least that's what I see around me. So he's right in a sense, but happiness is the stuff in between and doing something you enjoy or at least tolerate to pay the bills. I am sure others will have different opinions.

If you know of any programs (not Ryan White, he aged out), please send em my way!!!

I can't help with that one, but I am sure others will chime in.

Regarding your partner, not much you can do other than being there for them and letting them know you care and would like them to seek professional support, but I don't think you can't force them or the topic.

Best, Jim.

[leatherman]

Gosh. sorry to hear about the struggles that are going on in your house.

Unfortunately, the going to work to pay for the meds to stay alive to go to work is, well, just life. HIV is just one of hundreds of diseases and conditions that people have to work to pay for their daily meds. Jim's totally right though. It's all about what you do when you're not at work - the people you love, the fun you make, the hobbies you do and the time you spend resting and de-stressing/relaxing.

Maybe you can talk to your partner about getting some outside counseling or support. Maybe even discuss the issue with your doctor. Your partner could be dealing with depression and sometimes that gets better with counseling and sometimes with medications.

If you know of any programs (not Ryan White, he aged out), please send em my way!!!

That's not how the Ryan White program works. It's based on income, not age. Depending on your income, all state Ryan White programs help people with either paying for limited health care services (usually right after diagnosis to help get meds quickly), or with paying misc costs associated with Social Security Disability or insurance - like co-pays and premiums. Check our your state's health department website for the Ryan White program and/or ADAP (AIDS drugs assistance program) to see if y'all's incomes are eligible.

[kajore94]

How are you doing/feeling? You mention treatment and your partner, but are you taking treatment, and if so, how is the treatment going? How are you labs looking?

Honestly, I have been great.  I am getting treatment as well, and so far I've been doing well on it.  No bad side effects that I've noticed.  When my first labs came back I was actually considered AIDS criteria with a CD4 of 171 and my viral load at 20,100.  My doctor said that my immune system had been working overtime to be able to keep my viral load at a lower count than what she sees in most new patients.
I just went last week to do labs for the first time since December, and I get the results on Friday. so hopefully everything will still be on the up and up.

Not sure what that means. So 2-3 years ago, prehaps or more recent?

We were both diagnosed on Sept. 1, 2022. 

So currently, your partner only has insurance through the employer?

Yes, he's been at this job for five years, almost six.

Unfortunately, the going to work to pay for the meds to stay alive to go to work is, well, just life. HIV is just one of hundreds of diseases and conditions that people have to work to pay for their daily meds. Jim's totally right though. It's all about what you do when you're not at work - the people you love, the fun you make, the hobbies you do and the time you spend resting and de-stressing/relaxing.

This is exactly what I was thinking! I don't understand how being HIV+ has changed anything.  Before finding out he went to work each day just to work again the next day.  Cause that's life...literally.  I don't want to sound like I don't care, but I really just don't understand the mentality he has now.

Maybe you can talk to your partner about getting some outside counseling or support. Maybe even discuss the issue with your doctor. Your partner could be dealing with depression and sometimes that gets better with counseling and sometimes with medications.

I have brought it up quite a few times and he won't even be open to the idea of talking to someone.  Idk why.  Last week when I went to do labs, I did tell my doctor about my worries and asked if she might be able to talk to him and offer some kind of support if he needs it (we have the same doctor), without telling him that I am the one that told her he's likely depressed.  She said she would do her best, but that she can't force him to do anything (which I already knew).

That's not how the Ryan White program works. It's based on income, not age. Depending on your income, all state Ryan White programs help people with either paying for limited health care services (usually right after diagnosis to help get meds quickly), or with paying misc costs associated with Social Security Disability or insurance - like co-pays and premiums. Check our your state's health department website for the Ryan White program and/or ADAP (AIDS drugs assistance program) to see if y'all's incomes are eligible.

At his first visit to our clinic he was told that he didn't qualify for two reasons: his income and having health insurance through his employer
He was 29 and men only qualify for the Ryan White program up to age 24.

However, I am definitely going to be looking into that because I am in the Ryan White program and apparently as long as my income doesn't change, I qualify for services through the program for as long as it has funding.  There's no age limit for women, but there is for men??  If you ask me, that's pretty sexist and ridiculous because HIV affects men a lot more than it does women. 

[Jim Allen]

This is exactly what I was thinking! I don't understand how being HIV+ has changed anything.  Before finding out he went to work each day just to work again the next day.  Cause that's life...literally.  I don't want to sound like I don't care, but I really just don't understand the mentality he has now.

Well, what he says and what the real issues are or what his true feelings might be could be totally different or extremely complex.

Multiple other factors could play a role, like suddenly feeling mortal, not to mention the HIV diagnosis itself, as that can be a lot to digest.

Whatever it is, you may never fully understand. All you can do is what you have done, you have alerted a healthcare provider and keep letting him know you care and are there for him. Although, I would not force the topic of seeking help too much.

My doctor said that my immune system had been working overtime to be able to keep my viral load at a lower count than what she sees in most new patients.

Your immune system was doing an extremely crappy job as expected with HIV, hence the numbers you had.

Glad to hear you are taking treatment and hopefully the results on Friday will be good showing a decreased or fully suppressed VL.

[leatherman]

At his first visit to our clinic he was told that he didn't qualify for two reasons: his income and having health insurance through his employer
He was 29 and men only qualify for the Ryan White program up to age 24.

However, I am definitely going to be looking into that because I am in the Ryan White program and apparently as long as my income doesn't change, I qualify for services through the program for as long as it has funding.  There's no age limit for women, but there is for men??  If you ask me, that's pretty sexist and ridiculous because HIV affects men a lot more than it does women.

there is NO age limit on Ryan White services. Whoever told you there was an age or gender limit was completely misinformed. The only qualifications are to be HIV+ and to have an eligible income (anywhere from 150 to 300% of federal poverty level. I see TX is at 200%).

Since you're already using RW services, you might want to discuss all this with your RW case worker and find out more information through them.

here are some links you might find helpful.
https://www.dshs.texas.gov/hiv-std-program/texas-dshs-hiv-std-program-texas-hiv-medication-program
https://www.dshs.texas.gov/hiv-std-program/texas-dshs-hiv-std-program-texas-hiv-medication-program/texas-hiv-medication-program-2
https://www.dshs.texas.gov/hivstd/contractor/hivmedical.shtm

[harleymc]

I'd be planning an escape from this relationship.

He might think he's facing reality but he's undermining you and the steps you need to to maintain your health and wellbeing.