Loaded Comments

[next2u]

so, i was hanging out with a new friend, possible fb, tonight. he's been poz a lil longer than myself and made an offhand comment that caught me off guard.

background. dude has been a pozzie for 10 years. i have been a pozzie for 2 1/2 months. we were talking about how we found out, when we found out and what we did. at the end of this discussion dude says "i just don't understand how people get it these days. when i found out it wasn't really talked about, at least not the way it is now."

because of the situation, his leg was draped over mine, i was caught of guard. then i was offended. next, after changing the subject then steering back to it, i put up a half-assed defense over my infection. then i came home and felt stupid all over again. i couldn't help but wonder was he right? how could i have gotten this disease with all the information out there? and then the guilt, the pain, began all over.

i think dude is filled with regret. i think his regret fueled my regret and reminded me i have not fully come to terms with my condition. i also believe that if it weren't for the people on this site i'd be in tears right now wondering why i continue at all. to remind myself that no one wants this, that it is only a disease and that diseases happen seems moot right now. it seems like, i have it, he was right, everyone else was right, and i royally fucked up. i have a feeling this is not going to be an easy year.

[next2u]

i guess i should have made this into a question. something along the lines of:
have you ever been in a situation like this?. how did you feel when something was implied and referred to your status? lastly, any practical advice on situations like this? im thinking it's better not to argue the point and best not to exchange any inflammatory ideas on the matter . what comforting or self assuring things did you say/do to help yourself (or the other)?

[BT65]

The thing I remind myself of when dealing with other people, no matter what the situation is, is that I sit in judgement of no one.  I didn't live a "perfect" life.   I made a lot of mistakes.  It's kind of like "he who is without sin...."  I don't think I would hang out with that guy too often if it makes you really uncomfortable.  Of course, when it comes to other people, I remind myself I don't have any control over what they think. 

As far as what I do to be comfortable in my own skin, hmmm.  If I remember right, when I was diagnosed, I stayed around close friends who were very supportive.  I was in a treatment center when I was diagnosed, so then it was easy.  But when I got out, I stayed around good people.  That made self-acceptance for me easier.  And I talked to people.  And talked, until I was done talking so to speak.  And that's what I do now if I have something come up that makes me really uncomfortable.  Hang in there.

[woodshere]

I have  been diagnosed for less than 2 years, not sure when I was infected.  But I feel just as your friend does, how on earth does someone become infected today when we know so much about HIV.  Society can give us all the guidelines and promotions they want, but what they can't give us is a way to control our own behavior.  If confronted with a situation like yours, I would probably have to agree and then say even though I know how HIV is spread I am only human and as such am prone to make mistakes and use poor judgement.  Wasn't the first time and won't be the last and I just have to make the best of it. 

[Joe K]

Hey Next,

Woodshere did an excellent job of describing the reality that we humans face; the fact that we make mistakes.  I've been poz for 24 years and I could say that back in 1985 we knew almost nothing about HIV so it's not my fault for becoming infected.  But that would be a lie, because I knew about STDs and a strange disease (called GRID back then) that was mysteriously infecting and killing gay men.  So whether I knew about HIV or not, I still displayed bad judgment when I allowed myself to become infected.

I believe that the hardest part about forgiving yourself is the fact that you became poz through a mistake.  Granted the repercussions of that mistake are huge, life-altering and at times they can seem almost insurmountable, and all of this from a simple mistake.  Yet the fact remains that you simply made a mistake, you are human and that is what we do sometimes.  We make mistakes, hopefully learn something and move on.  This, my friend, is what you need to strive towards.  You need to work at becoming your own best friend and the one thing that best friends do best is to forgive mistakes, whether in themselves or others.

Your friends comments reflected his opinion and not a judgment on you becoming poz.  Obviously he assumes that everyone knows about HIV prevention and for him, that may be true, but for millions of people, for whatever reason, know little or nothing about HIV prevention.  Even in the US, there are vast areas that receive little or no information on how to protect themselves from STDs, my point being all of this is his opinion.  The fact that it provoked such a response in you, simply means you have some more adjusting to do, which is perfectly normal and will come as you are ready.

Let me leave you with this.  You did nothing to warrant becoming infected, mistakes or not.  But you are human and sometimes our nature can be fickle and we make bad choices, and while the consequences of some actions far outweigh the action itself, we are left with the outcome.  You need to just take some time and learn to adjust to your status.  Be kind to yourself, take care of your health, both physically and mentally and most important is that you take the time you need to adjust to your new status.  You have done nothing wrong and for right now you need to just relax and give it some more time for your adjustment.

It does not matter how you adjust to your status, as we each must find our own way, all that matters is that you eventually adjust and you will.  Each day will become a little easier and when you feel your world closing in, remember the people here who care about you and have already traveled the road you have just started.  While we cannot tell you how or when your journey might end, we will always be here to walk beside you.

[Miss Philicia]

Ha.  The guy was infected in '97 and he said that?  What more information has there been in the past decade on routes of transmission in male-to-male sex?  You should have called him out.

[minismom]

Different situation...same pain.  I was in the ER with Mini.  She was about 10 mths old and she'd woken up from her nap with a 107 fever.  I was histerical and brought her to our local ER (big mistake) instead of taking her to the ER where her PID practices (about 1hr away).  I explained what the situation was and asked that the ER simply start an IV, stabalize her and send us via ambulance to the other hospital.  The triage nurse looked at me like I was from another planet, looked up mini's records and then told us to have a seat.  So there we sat, and sat, and sat...for almost 3 hours!  Mini is burning up, I'm scared to death to leave because what if something happened on the way to the other hospital and I was stuck in the middle of nowhere?  She was getting more and more lathargic and harder for me to rouse.  I carried her back up to the triage nurse, crying, and begged for Mini to be seen.  She looked up at me very annoyed and said (I'll never forget it), "I'm not the one who infected her, am I?  Seems to me that if SOMEBODY would have been more careful, your daugther wouldn't be in this mess.  Now, go sit down and we'll get to her when we do."  My heart fell!  I left the hospital, walked to the end of the drive and about 10 feet from the driveway...and called 911 for an ambulance.  10 minutes later we were on our way to the PROPER hospital.  She ended up having 4 gram negative bacterial blood infections.

It still hurts.

Mum

[Dragonette]

She looked up at me very annoyed and said (I'll never forget it), "I'm not the one who infected her, am I?  Seems to me that if SOMEBODY would have been more careful, your daugther wouldn't be in this mess. 

What a psycho! I just froze reading this. Someone like that should not be in the health field. Unless on the recieving end of the mental health section.

But, Next, to be honest with you, I first read your post some hours ago, and not to make a molehill out of a mountain or belittle your pain, I know you're having a great connection with your BF, and it would be a shame to see you disrupt it over a not so thoughtful or tactless comment. I know it's a shitty thing to hear - I have had people make the assumption about me, an assumption that might be true to a certain extent... I have had unprotected sex like all those people, less than most of them. So yeah, shouldn't have happened. I don't drink and drive and there is a lot of things that I shouldn't do that I don't do. There are mistakes I made however like anyone else.

But again, I wouldn't be going into a dark place right now over this one comment... ah who am I kidding, I probably would, but it would be a relief to get out of there! 

[cocoboogie]

I have been poz alot longer than your friend, since the early 90s.  Though I was very young and naive at the time, I didnt know much about AIDS but I did know it was transmitted thru unprotective sex amoung gay men.  I  hated myself for along time for not thinking clearly and taking a risk with my health.

Sex is not always a logical, well planned experience. I have been in too many scenarios when the person I was "seeing" rolled over in the middle of the night or early morning horny as hell.  At these moments, using a condom is the last thing on their minds. Logical, clear thinking is thrown out the window and replaced with implusive thoughts and raging hormones.

Add a few drinks from early that evening, a sexy man licking on my nipples, and I am back to being that young, dumb 20 year old all over again. I think for most people (myself included) it is hard to seperate the romanticism of "lovemaking" from sex. Sex is an act between animals, porn stars and prostitutes while lovemaking is an intimate connection with another human being.

As humans, we long for intimacy with another person.  During moments of passion, we arent thinking of tomorrow or the consequences of our actions.  I think people will continue to have unprotected sex regardless of their knowledge.  There is more than enough information about the protection of condoms and yet there are still teenage pregnancies, abortions, and other STDs.

It doesnt matter whether you were infected 20 yrs ago or 2 days ago, you made a mistake in judgement.  A mistake based; in part, on a primal need for intimacy. Dont allow "dude's" comments to make you feel as if "you shoulda known better" and have you beat yourself over your actions.

Alot of the preventative information available now was available 10 years ago.  Also condoms were around 10 years ago yet somehow he got infected.  Hope you dont get depressed about his comments.  I have beaten myself up enough for the both of us.  Take Care.

[dgr20002]

I agree that you should have called him on his comment. Just because he has 10 years of experience with HIV doesn't give him the right to make such comments. But then again a lot of people do not think before they speak. So take the comment for what it's worth, which isn't much and pounce on his next off the cuff remark.

David

[next2u]

wow, all i can say is thanks everyone. i was in a really shitty mood when i woke up this morning and didn't leave my house for a couple of hours because of it.

i wanted to call him out on it, but i didnt have enough information to say anything. also, it would have been pointless. maybe this is a mental crutch for him. maybe we would have started a fight. i don't think he said it to upset me, but it did.

thank you cocoboogie, i agree with your statement about lovemaking. until this year, i have always used condoms, they were always available. and if they weren't we had an arsenal of safe love making techniques to utilize. it's unfortunate now, i feel i will never be able to have what you have described with a partner.

minimom, that is some fucked up shit. i am so sorry to hear some dumbass had the audacity to put you and your loved one in a fucked situation and then insult you on top of it. was this recently? did you do a follow-up with the hospital? if you have the details of the event and would like for others to get involved please share, i can place a call to that hospital and follow-up with a letter. that person had no right making those comments or putting you and your lil one in a compromising situation.

killfoile, your words have made my heart lighter. i cannot tell you enough how much i appreciate your advice. i will relax, work on myself, and continue to forgive. thanks too for reminding me i am not alone : )

betty, philly, woodshere & the rest - thank you for your words.

all, have a great night. thank you again for the support. i am sure all the others who are lurking in anonymity appreciate this (and everything else) as much as i do.