Will normalcy ever exist again

[Lost84]

Hi. I'm new here. My husband was just diagnosed with HIV. I'm not sure how long he's had it but we did take a break a few years back. I have tested negative. I started prep and he started his medication. I'm so angry and sad . I try to uplift him but the truth is I feel like I've died. I don't know what to do. All I do is cry. Not around him but in the shower so he's not scared. I don't know if we can survive this. I want to. I'm trying to. Are these normal feelings?

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling.

I am guessing the diagnosis was fairly recent, glad to hear your husband has started treatment, though. How is he doing/coping? Has he been sick, and do you know what his CD4 count is?

I'm so angry and sad . I try to uplift him but the truth is I feel like I've died. I don't know what to do. All I do is cry. Not around him but in the shower so he's not scared. I don't know if we can survive this. I want to. I'm trying to. Are these normal feelings?

Is it that he had sex with someone else that is causing you the most upset or that he is living with HIV?

Anyhow, are these normal feelings? Sure.

An HIV diagnosis is a lot to digest and it will take time for you and your husband to get your heads around it. Some people I know and have supported go through nearly a grieving process, and a mix of feelings happens.

I think for most; it settles down to the point they forget about HIV as the meds start to work and they get their heads around the idea that living with HIV changes nothing.

I try to uplift him but the truth is I feel like I've died. I don't know what to do.

Have you considered talking to your husband about how you are feeling? I know you are trying to support him but if you are struggling its no good either.

[Jim Allen]

Will normalcy ever exist again

Easy, that's up to you and your husband.

I've lived with HIV my entire adult life and I am now 41. I take a pill daily at breakfast, which is about as much as HIV changes my life.

What is normalcy? I don't know but after my HIV diagnosis, I finished college, travelled the world, and had sex with everything and everyone willing and plenty were willing , had a good career, two kids, a failed marriage and am now happily living with my GF and son and that's normal for me.

HIV simply isn't an issue for me as I don't let it be an issue. It's just a manageable condition and there are far worse things than HIV in life.

[Lost84]

We found out 10 days ago. He did his labs on Monday so we are waiting for that to come back. He was extremely sick this past week burning up with a fever. He never gets sick. I was so scared. He's doing better now .I try to talk to him but he's not ready to talk about it. I love him so I'm going to do everything in my power to support him. I'm just trying to educate myself as much as possible about HIV.

[Jim Allen]

Glad to hear he is feeling better, and once the lab results are in, it will give you a better picture of the situation.

Keep us posted.

[Tonny2]

             ojo.          Hello there!…yes, time will bring back normalcy, as Jim said, after you get his lab results you two will know what follow, treatment, and then you will be able to talk about the subject, how he acquired, the good thing is that you didn’t acquired…take your time and please keep us posted, we are here for you two…hugs

[Lost84]

Thank you all so much. Just being able to talk to someone has helped more than you know. To see how your able to have a positive mindset gives me hope. I will keep everyone posted.

[Jim Allen]

Thank you all so much. Just being able to talk to someone has helped more than you know. To see how your able to have a positive mindset gives me hope. I will keep everyone posted.

Yeah, so please keep us posted and remember that you can't support him if you are drowning, so take care of yourself. If its time out, like walks, gym or having a night out, whatever it is you do to relax, make sure to be doing it.

[Lost84]

Good news. The Dr said by my husband's next visit he should be undetectable. His next visit is less than a month away. I'm really happy for him.  I do however have questions that I feel like no one is giving me a direct answer to. I'm taking prep but do I take this forever? If he's undetectable why would I still need to continue to take it? Also, Im having extreme anxiety about sex. I love him and do want to be intimate with him but I'm scared. I wish I could shut these feelings off but they are always there .

[Jim Allen]

I would normally park this type of post and question in the "How to prevent HIV " section but I will leave it here.

I'm taking prep but do I take this forever?

Short answer, No.

If he's undetectable why would I still need to continue to take it?

Well, nobody can guarantee that someone will take their meds, but once your partner has a suppressed viral load (below 200 copies) for six+ months and they then continue to take their meds, they can not pass on HIV sexually, even if you don't take PrEP and condomless intercourse does occur; See https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=71864.0

In the meantime, use condoms for any intercourse as HIV can't pass through an intact latex condom and it reduces the STI risks and take your PrEP as an additional layer of HIV prevention.

Also, Im having extreme anxiety about sex. I love him and do want to be intimate with him but I'm scared. I wish I could shut these feelings off but they are always there .

To be expected, this is new to both of you. Give it time, talk to a therapist perhaps, and definitely talk to your partner about how they are feeling, prehaps they feel the same, maybe you could start off light to get comfortable again and in the meantime, use condoms & PrEP if any intercourse does happen.