fear

[treeboy77]

here are some bits from an email I sent to a friend.  figured it would be fitting to share it here as you guys all know what it feels like to have these thoughts...

thank you all for "being there".

Peace and love,
-S

************************************************
i'm just afraid. 
i'm afraid of getting sick. 
getting sick when sick is unavoidable,
when sick doesn't mean "Oh I have a cold" or "my head hurts". 
Sick in a way that screams "you are going to die."
 
I am afraid of my veins and the shadows that live there.
 
Folks would always say that monsters aren't real. 
I always knew they were lying.   
They are real
and I can't pull the covers over my head and hide-
like i did when I was young-
there is nowhere I can hide
when the boogeyman lives inside of me.

it's amazing how much power a phone call can have
how so much in your life can change in a split second
we go about our lives and the days stretch on
and life really can change in a blink.
so I don't like answering the phone anymore.
too much can happen after "Hello?"
reminds me of getting on a ride at an amusement park
one that you have never been on before
you don't know if it will be fun or if it will terrify you
and there really is no way to know until you get on it and it starts moving
and by then if you are afraid it doesn't matter because you can't stop it.
the ride has already begun.
 
 
It's been almost a year since I received that call
the one that not only told me that my relationship was over
but that someone that I have shared a big part of my life with
that I really did and do love, unknowingly brought death into our bed.
that not only will he die but I will too and that it's only a matter of time.
all this I learned from a simple afternoon phone call
I had just finished watching a movie and I was in a good mood.
I don't trust moods either. they are too unpredictable.
 
yeah- I really hate the phone.
 
I can't really explain all the emotions i am feeling
I have spent my entire life avoiding anything that resembled emotions
but I do know
that I am afraid
I am lonely
I am horny
I am mad
I long to be held
but can't stand the touch
it's too personal
it almost burns
 
I am afraid to tell people how I cry myself to sleep
I want you to think I have it all together
but I don't
 
not at all.

[whizzer]

Thank you, that was brilliant.  I feel like you've been reading my mind.

(edited to correct a teeny-tiny typo caused by tears)

[David_CA]

I consider myself very fortunate to have no clue who I caught the bug from, when or where it happened, or (specifically) what activity we were doing.  Other than that, I still have the same fears, though they have subsided tremendously.  Starting meds really helped me both mentally and physically, and opening up to my family took away a LOT of stress.  I can honestly say that I'm in a MUCH better place now than I was last year at this time.  I was a bit pathetic then.  Still, at times, I do get scared.  I guess that's why I stay so busy.

David

[StrongGuy]

I used to have a lot of thise fears but like David it has subsided tremendously. Time and good doctors and friends and life events have helped me put life's worries in a workable perspective. Death doesn't scare me in the least. Having had two very close family members die suddenly and having had to work through that made me realize it can happen to anyone and when it's time it's time. Until then, I'm living a good life and focusing on the possibilities.

[AlanBama]

David,

I don't think you were ever pathetic!   You've handled this with more grace and humility and dignity and respect than just about anyone in the forums.

I applaud you for doing as well as you have.

hugs,

Alan

[BT65]

Tree-
   I was wondering when I started reading your post if you were newly diagnosed.  And then I saw you are (a year, right).

I used to feel just identical to that when I was first diagnosed and for quite awhile after that.

What has helped me is a good therapist, good doctors and other people who help me deal with my medical issues, a few good tight-knit friends, good relationships with my family, things like that.  There are so many things that have happened to me since I tested positive that I could have died from.  I went through a bout of the wasting syndrome, I had PCP, I was in a coma from a bladder infection where the poison got into my blood stream, I was thrown down a flight of stairs by a past abusive partner where my left sinus got crushed and I had to have a titanium plate put in my upper jaw, etc. 

I don't know that I'm afraid of dying anymore, so much as the process of dying.  I just lost my mother and having to see what she went through, and so many of my friends that have died of AIDS, is not at all pretty.

But hang in there.  Just keep talking.