Am I being selfish, evil, or both?

[Blackgold]

Ladies,

I have finally come out of my trance (of being Poz and all) and realized that life didn't hold still for me while I had my breakdown. I got slightly good news from the Doc on my follow-up appointment i.e I don't have to start my own  funeral arrangements (as my shitty sister had suggested during my hub's funeral)   my CD4 is in 400 range and VL 12k. So no need for med at least for a while.

In my bid for self re-discovery, I spoke with a councellor and she asked me what I would like to do now, I tot about it long and came up with stuff that make me feel very selfish and possibly evil;

1. Complete break from my friends and family members: cos it was hell dealing with them before and after my hub died and am just sick and tired of working on glass around people. So am looking to make new friends. is that selfish
2. Never go into a heterosexual relationship again hopefully: I simply think men are jerks and the good ones are either not yet born or already taken. I think this decision is selfish cos of my next desire
3. Have a baby or babies ASAP: Its funny cos my hub and I spent most of our combined earnings on sperm washing, Inseminations then IVF with no success since I was negative and tried to stay dat way. Now he is gone, am poz and left with this burning desire to have a baby.

Does any one think its abit unfair to have children in my state, what if something happens to me along the line? is the desire for children an evil one?
Does a Poz diagnosis mean certain things are no longer available to us, am 32 but I dont think I will remarry again, if I wasnt poz, I wont think twice about being a single mom but now it feels almost evil to consider it

Someone pls help me out here!

[BT65]

Hi Blackgold, and welcome to the ladies family!  Good to have you here.

I don't know why you would think it's selfish to want to have a baby.  Being a good mother is the most unselfish thing in the world.  I would just make sure I was able to do it physically, emotionally, and financially (and make real sure). 

If you need a break from family and friends, then go for it.  You have to take care of yourself.  I don't know what yours and your husband's relationship was like near the end, but if you're like a lot of women, you were the main caregiver.  And that's exhausting.  You really deserve a break, so take one!

That's just what I came up with for now.  I'm so glad you found us!
 L-
Betty

[Sweet_C]

Hi Blackgold.  I'm glad you are finally starting to come out of your trance and learn to live with the illness.  HIV is no walk in the park, but there is so much for us all to be thankful about.  Unlike other life threatening illnesses, we are able to live normal lives and do everything we could do before contracting this disease.  The treatments are painless and take almost zero time out of our everyday lives.  Also, there is a good chance many of us will live to see the day that a cure is found for this disease. We are the luckiest and unluckiest people at the same time.

On family and friends issue, I see nothing selfish about completely cutting off friends and keeping your distance from unsupportive family members.  I'd say the same things even if you didn't have HIV.  Life is too short for that mess.  Your life will be exponentially better if you surround yourself people with positive attitudes.

On men, I hate to sound like pollyanna esp. since I don't know your history with men, but there are definitely still good men out there--it's just that they are outnumbered by the losers. I bet once you cut out the deadbeat friends and family and start living the life you want to have, you will start attracting more of the good men in your life.  So don't rule out a relationship with a man forever (unless you just prefer to be with women, of course).

On children, I definitely don't think it is selfish for you to want children just because of your status, if that's the only thing you're concerned about.  If you do what you are supposed to do healthwise, there is no reason why you won't live a normal life span and you probably already know that the risks of transmission are almost nonexistent if you get proper prenatal care.  If you feel that you are in a position emotionally, financially, physically, etc. to offer a child a good life, that is all that matters. 

I am expecting my first child in February, and I can tell you from experience that my status has been the least of the worries and my prenatal care has been identical to that of HIV negative women.  If you are going to go for, definitely find doctors who are supportive of your decision because not all docs are up to date on the latest info. 

Also, you may want to consider going on meds and getting undetectable before you conceive.  Both me and dh were undetectable at the time we conceived and it seems things are somewhat less complicated that way.  Talk to your ID doc about what meds are best to take during pregnancy.  I switched from Isentress/Truvada to a more time tested regimen before conceiving, so I didn't have to worry about dealing with the initial side effects or wondering if they were going to be effective or not

Good luck!

[Blackgold]

Hi Ladies,

Its reassuring to hear from you both, especially on my family and friends cos I have been feeling isolated since I decided to stay clear of them. Prior to all this I was a very social person and now I get back from work and read or watch telly, got me wondering if I was overreacting or being impatient with them, its just the judging whispers and patronizing comments were really getting to me.

As for babies, the more I think of them the more I wonder if its fair to want them so much since there is still no guarantee that you can watch them grow, how will my subsequent ill health shape parenthood? even more so if I decide to be a single mom.

Congrats Sweet_C, you are an inspiration and am green with envy.

 

[Ann]

Nobody has any guarantee that they'll live to raise their children. Anything could happen at any time to anyone. But that doesn't stop people from becoming parents and why should it?

Hiv infection today isn't like it was even ten years ago. The meds are better and people diagnosed in recent years with good numbers (like yours) have no reason to think they are going to die any sooner than someone who is hiv negative. Stop worrying about dying and get on with your life!

Your best bet would be to get on one of the combos approved for pregnancy before you get pregnant. A child born to a positive mother who has been undetectable for at least the last trimester has less than 1% chance of being born positive - and that's a smaller chance than for many common birth defects. It's practically unheard of for a child to be born poz when the mother has had the proper care (ie meds) while pregnant.

As long as you have the financial means to be a single parent, go for it. You obviously have a lot of love to offer a child. You might also want to think about possibly adopting a child, maybe one who is positive. Just a thought.

Some online resources for hiv and pregnancy:

Family planning and pregnancy at AIDSmeds.com

Pregnancy guide at i-base <-- This one is excellent.

Information from aidsmap.com

More from aidsmap.com