Trying to stay upbeat

[upstatenewyorker]

This journey for me started in the fall of '09 when I found a lump in my neck and went to the Dr on October 15th and he said its probably nothing and said it would most likely go away. Christmas approached and I felt like crap, wanted to sleep all the time, still had the lump, and had the worse diarrhea of my life and thought I was dying of cancer.  January 4th, 2010 went to my Dr and the nurse had me stand on the scale and my heart sank when she said my weight which was 20 pounds lower than October 15th.  My Dr set an appointment for January 5th to have a biopsy.  For the hell of it I decided to go get a HIV test done and went to Binghamton and got the rapid test and while waiting she asked why I was getting tested and I told her that I had lost weight, had a lump, my liver functions were off and thought I had cancer but wanted to rule HIV out.  She said with the off liver function that I would fail the test and sure enough in 20 minutes it came back that I was poz but she said it could be a false reading and took blood work and said to come back in two weeks.  January 5th I had two needle biopsy's on my neck and initially the Dr said it looked good and my weight loss was probably due to me stressing over potential cancer.  That Saturday he called me at home and said I didn't have cancer and right then I knew I was poz.  Two week later I went to the clinic and they confirmed and January 18th had my blood work done locally.  February 5th I started Atripla and February 6th I left for Florida just to chill and think.  Results have been great and overall I am upbeat but some days feel very alone. I am relieved it was hiv over cancer because no one in my family has every survived cancer. I  am fortunate to have a great career, never missed work, and have good insurance.  I try not to think about it and have only told three friends and no family members. Thankfully I have found this forum.

[leatherman]

Thankfully I have found this forum.

Welcome UpState!
As is often said around here, I'm sad to hear why you're here; but glad that you found us.

So did you find out what the lump was all about?? Do you still have the lump?
and how is it going with the Atripla?

I hope you're feeling better already, and if not, then real soon!

mIkIe

[WillyWump]

Hello Upstate,

Welcome

Glad your here, sorry you need to be. Yeah, 5 months into your diagnosis your probably still adjusting to everything, and yeah sometimes the loneliness sets in but I can tell you it gets better. 2 years into my diagnosis I feel great emotionally and physically. It took me awhile but now HIV is not even a daily thought for me, except of course when I take my pills

Atripla is a fantastic drug, you should do very well on it.  BTW, what are you numbers like?

-Will

[phildinftlaudy]

Welcom Upstate -
Glad you found us.... there aren't a lot of positive things about being positive, but finding this site and getting to know the people on here can be one definite positive about the whole experience.  As others have said, Atripla is a great drug --- at least for most.  I haven't had any real problems on it. 

Once again, glad you found the site - glad you posted - and welcome to the family

[upstatenewyorker]

The lump in my neck was a swollen lympth node and hopefully I never have to experience another needle going into my neck for the rest of my life. A needle biopsy is not fun.  Atripla has been great with no side effects other than a rash that went away in days with Benedryl  Life is pretty much normal and my body and immune system is responding well as you can see if my profile. Back up 14 pounds.

[WillyWump]

A needle biopsy is not fun. 

Agreed. I had a biopsy done on the lymph node under my chin. The plunger on the syringe was as big around as my arm. I think I'd rather have my eyes drilled out.

-Will

[hotpuppy]

As your viral load comes under control the lump will go away.  I had two for a couple of years.  I was terrified the first time I went for a massage that the therapist would ask what the lump was.... I regularly have to tell them not to mess with those lumps and that they aren't knots.  At first I thought everyone could see them... but I realized that nobody really looks because nobody gives a damn if I have swollen lymph node.    Even the massage therapists just shrug and comply and I've never had one ask.

Taking time to chill is good..... Life changes, but it still continues and it sounds like you have a good grip on that.  Disclosure is something that should be done at your own pace, and again it sounds like you have it under control.

So let me ask... why are you not upbeat?  You have meds, a doc, vacation time, and a good job..... and like you said, it wasn't cancer.... so what is dragging you down?  From what you are describing you have the situation under control and should be free to enjoy life.  Vacationing in Florida sure sounds fun to me by the way.