Author Topic: What to do now (Read 6237 times)

Peter6836 · « **on:** September 21, 2008, 04:34:28 pm »

Thursday I had a set back at my job. I was placed in a kindergarten classroom and was doing quite well considering my mental health, in fact things were going pretty good. I emailed HR and asked to be compensated for being in a full time classroom. The next day I was pulled out in the middle of the day. Other teachers were pulled by the hour from their classrooms to cover what was my room and I was put in other rooms. I was called that night nad reprimanded, told that I would do what ever I was told to do even if it meant moving from hour to hour. I guess I ruffled too many feathers.
I took a down ward spiral and became quite emotional. Friday I called in and began to pack all my things marking things to be given to my children and planned to back my car into the garage and go to sleep with the door open. Perhaps making a smoothie with my drugs just to guarentee success.
My friend and roomate called my therapist and my sister to alert them. I did some talking and although I do not feel up to it I have not gone through with my plans.
This morning I woke up feeling flue like symptoms. I am despondent and have not left the bed all day. I have been pretty much surviving on coffee and gatoraide.
I am overwhelmed. I see the enevitable is that I will lose everything I have or at least have to put them in storage. I have a roomate that I will have to send to a shelter he has no way of caring for himself. My sister says I can come and stay with her and her family but my life would not be much of myown. I am still considering suicide. I have developed rashes on mybody my head hurts I am tired of all the psycho drugs, I cry incessently, I shake and my body is feeling week. I cry and have a lot of flem. I do not think I can go to work tomorrow like this I do not feel that i can handle the kids and people. I can not continue to lay here in bed. I have taken 5xananx today 2hundred of serequel 60 of busibarme, 40 prozac, syntrhroid, not to mention my hiv drugs atripla.
I feel overwhelmed, I do not want to leave this mess to others to clean up I do not want to go to the hospital, but another part of me wants to go to the hospital, it seems like an easy way out. Or at least a vacaction from all this streess.
I need to know what others thing, what should I do, how should I handle this I want to do the right thing and I want to be strong. I just do not feel all that strong right now. I need some help, perhaps a med eval, time to figure out what to do next. Where to go from here. Does it seem that we with HIV have these moments when we have to start over move in different dirrections. rebuild our lives.
I have so many nice things I do not want to lose everything. I am willing to downsize. I will not be able to pay the rent with my new salary, the detroit public schools are in a 400 million dollar budget short fall and they have done to 200 teachers what they have done to me expecting us to do contract work for one third of the pay.
I feel that i need some help, I jsut do not know where to get it from. How long can I keep taking days off and laying here and worrying. How long can I be demeaned at work. How long can I wait to be kicked out of my townhouse. I need to do something help give me advice. I know that others have lost so much like I have and have had dto deal with set backs how do we do it. How should I do it.
Peter

Peter Staley · « **Reply #1 on:** September 21, 2008, 05:07:42 pm »

Peter, I want to start by saying that I have never been in your shoes (although I did once hit a spiritual bottom with drug addiction), so my advice is just a gut feeling of what you should do at this point.

1) Above all else, focus on the only truly important things: your mental and physical health. Without those, nothing else matters.

2) You are hitting rock bottom, and you need to right the ship first, then rebuild your life (job, housing, etc.) later. It sounds to me like any type of bureaucratic work at this point is beyond what your mind and body can currently handle. You might need to let go of both work and home in order to focus on building your health and inner strength.

3) Towards that end, I'd strongly recommend checking into a hospital. After that, if you still can't afford the home, etc., then you should move in with your sister. In the end, your townhouse is only a possession, and there's nothing to prevent you from having one again once you are stronger. You are very lucky to have people in your life that love you and that you can turn to. Now is the time to turn to them.

4) Once you have relieved yourself of most of these external pressures (financial concerns and job conflicts), then you can focus 100% of your time on your mental and physical health.

Again, while I've never hit bottom as hard as you are hitting now, I do have many friends who have. And most of them had to basically stop everything, ask for help, and slowly rebuild their lives from there. And most of them are thriving now.

These friends of mine are living examples of the how time and love can cure all. You've got both. Please use them.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #2 on:** September 21, 2008, 05:16:16 pm »

Quote from: Peter6836 on September 21, 2008, 04:34:28 pm

I have taken 5xananx today 2hundred of serequel 60 of busibarme, 40 prozac, syntrhroid, not to mention my hiv drugs atripla.

I agree with what Peter just stated -- and I've followed (mostly) your previous posts. I'm also concerned about the meds you listed -- is that correct? 200 seroquel pills? I'm not sure what that does to somebody, but if I were you I'd go to the hospital as well as call one of your "real life" contacts/family/friends ASAP.

Peter Staley · « **Reply #3 on:** September 21, 2008, 05:38:38 pm »

Quote from: Peter6836 on September 21, 2008, 04:34:28 pm

I have taken 5xananx today 2hundred of serequel 60 of busibarme, 40 prozac, syntrhroid, not to mention my hiv drugs atripla.

I kind of read through that too quickly. I thought he was talking about milligrams or something. Peter, did you just swallow hands full of pills? Please answer me ASAP.

In the mean time, if anyone has Peter's phone number, please call him.

Peter Staley · « **Reply #4 on:** September 21, 2008, 05:43:57 pm »

Does anyone have Peter's number and/or address? He's showing as offline in the forums now, and we should contact emergency services in his area I think.

BT65 · « **Reply #5 on:** September 21, 2008, 06:00:16 pm »

I'm assuming (and could be wrong) the numbers he's talking about are mgs, as the numbers sound like the mgs someone would take of those drugs. Hopefully I'm right. Peter, please let us know how you are.

Peter6836 · « **Reply #6 on:** September 21, 2008, 06:01:21 pm »

That is a normal amount of medications that I take every morning, except I have taken a couple extra xanax today. I have called my doctor and am waiting for him to call me back.
Peter

Peter6836 · « **Reply #7 on:** September 21, 2008, 06:03:58 pm »

by the way those are mg of pills not number of pills. I am going to see if the doctor can call and have me admitted before I go so I do not have to sit in the emergency room.

Peter Staley · « **Reply #8 on:** September 21, 2008, 06:10:42 pm »

Phew. Thanks for the clarification, Peter. I'm very glad you to hear you've called your doc. Be kind to yourself. I know you are scared, but you are not alone.

GSOgymrat · « **Reply #9 on:** September 21, 2008, 06:12:07 pm »

You are doing the right thing by contacting your doctor and admitting yourself into the hospital. It is time to get your medications adjusted, take a break from your work situation and have some intensive counseling to get your life back on track. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, you are already hurting enough.

penguin · « **Reply #10 on:** September 21, 2008, 06:15:58 pm »

Peter - i'm glad you got in touch with your dr, and are moving that process forward.
i agree with you, that you could really benefit from some extra support right now to help reduce some of the stress you've been under for a long time now - and to allow yourself the time and space to focus on your needs.

All of the other stuff can wait,eh? right now, you and your health are the most important.

look after yourself - kate

Bucko · « **Reply #11 on:** September 21, 2008, 06:16:37 pm »

Peter-

My life fell completely apart last year at this time. I was snatched from certain homelessness by a friend, who has changed my life.

Please PM me with your phone number if you want to discuss how this feels. I've been there, I know. And I will spend as much time as you need to make things stable until the doctor calls--

Please--

Brent

Assurbanipal · « **Reply #12 on:** September 21, 2008, 06:28:35 pm »

Peter

We've only chatted the once or twice, but I've followed your story, hesitating to give any advice. But I've read your delight in your grandson, the care you lavish on your family...

I'm glad you've called your doctor. You have many stakes in the future.

Sincerely
A

Joe K · « **Reply #13 on:** September 21, 2008, 07:43:05 pm »

Hello Peter,

My name is Joe, I have lived with HIV for 24 years, grew up in Detroit and I have been where you are now. When I became poz in 1985 I lost everything at once; my physical and mental health and family and friends. I had no where to turn, my health was quickly failing and my mental health was the lowest it had ever been in my life. I was lucky when I found FRIENDS Alliance in Detroit and the Mid-West AIDS Prevention Project in Ferndale and I was able to get some help and support to help me regain control of my life.

This seems to be where you are now. I know the world looks bleak and the weight of all your issues just keeps building and you are afraid, that one day, you will simply buckle under that strain. But I am here to tell you that with the proper support and good physical and mental health care, you can regain your life. But it will take time and a lot of hard work on your part.

Based on what you have described, I would urge you to see both your medical doctor and a psychiatrist. I would do the psychiatrist first, so you can describe your symptoms and have the doctor help you design a drug and/or therapy combination that will help to stabilize your mood and emotions. You then need to see your regular doctor, to check out the psych meds with your other meds and at this point, maybe you can have one of them admit you for a period, so you can get at least a few days to just wind down and get yourself on a better track.

It would also be helpful if you could get someone like your sister to help you with your other issues like housing and your job. This is a time, my friend, where you need to reach out to others, just as you have done here. There are so many people who can help you and there is never any shame in asking for the assistance of others.

I can only imagine how hard it is for you right now, but please do not give up hope. Mental health issues can have a way of clouding our perceptions and judgment and so I also urge you not to make any major decisions for at least a month or so, to give yourself some time to move past this current crisis mode.

Always remember that there are people who love you and there is a pretty decent HIV community in the Detroit area. Please reach out to as many people as you need, to get the help that you so desperate want and deserve. Also feel free to PM me with any questions you may have, or if you wish to send me your phone number, I would be happy to help however I can.

One thing I can promise you, is that if you keep moving forward and accept that you can and will have a good life, in spite of HIV, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. After even a few weeks you could start to feel much more in control and the shroud of depression and anxiety will begin to lift and for the first time you will be able to see just how far you have come.

Take care of yourself, find support where you can and never forget that we are always here for you.

Peter Staley · « **Reply #14 on:** September 25, 2008, 01:46:52 pm »

Peter -- how are things going? I noticed you haven't been online since Sunday.

I've sent you a PM as well.

If anyone has Peter's phone number, please give him a call, just to check in.

Thanks,

Peter

Peter6836 · « **Reply #15 on:** September 25, 2008, 05:34:53 pm »

Hello friends,
I have spent the last four days in the hospital. My psych meds were changed and I am feeling much better now. With therapy I have come to see that I was expecting change to come to quickly. I now understand that things are rough right now and that it will take time to re tool myself.
Although it does not change the fact that people that I work with right now are being cruel, but that will be their problem from now on. I will focus on moving ahead with my life. My ID doctor said that at 53 I have a good ten or more years left to work, as well as many more years to live.
Thank you again,
Peter

GSOgymrat · « **Reply #16 on:** September 25, 2008, 05:44:18 pm »

I'm so happy to hear you are feeling better!

BT65 · « **Reply #17 on:** September 25, 2008, 08:33:46 pm »

Peter, this is great news. I'm glad you took time for you.

joemutt · « **Reply #18 on:** September 26, 2008, 02:00:08 am »

{{{{{Peter!}}}}}

I'm glad you're doing better, friend.
Please remember to take it day by day.

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Author Topic: What to do now (Read 6237 times)