Loss

[Life]

Its that "Spiritual Condition" that I want back....  

Hugs,

Eric

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QOoH-Okd0U


"ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG"
Queen

A hand above the water
An angel reaching for the sky
Is it raining in heaven -
Do you want us to cry?

And everywhere the broken-hearted
On every lonely avenue
No-one could reach them
No-one but you

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on -
Without you...

Another Tricky Situation
I get to drownin' in the Blues
And I find myself thinkin'
Well - what would you do?

Yes! - it was such an operation
Forever paying every due
Hell, you made a sensation
You found a way through

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
We'll remember -
Forever...

And now the party must be over
I guess we'll never understand
The sense of your leaving
Was in the way it was planned...

So we grace another table
And raise our glasses one more time
There's a face at the window
And i aint never, never saying goodbye...

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
Cryin' for nothing
Cryin' for no-one
No-one but you

[PeteNYNJ]

Hey Eric

Just wanted to reach out and give you a big hug and kiss   It will get better...you are strong and William would want you to be happy again.

Keep writing!  I will keep reading

xo
Pete

[Life]

Happy Valentines Day William.

 

My memories of our Valentines days together will NEVER be forgotten Will.

I stand out in our backyard looking at the snow capped mountains, the river,

and think long and hard and understand some people

get to learn everything they need to and get to move on from this life.  

Others have to stay and learn more.

 
I think about how many people you touched in only 49 years.  Most people do not get that

chance you got to live.   Helping so many...

Your Loving Husband,

Eric


PS. Will it is getting easier, but there is such a gap in my life right now without you.

I hope you get this message, certainly by now they have Internet access in Heaven.

As you can see, I am getting alot of support, and with that, I am eternally greatful especially the love I receive here.  Thank you everyone for being part of my life.  It can never be repaid.

[Life]

I know, life goes on but Johnathan Larson had a point when he wrote "without you."  I keep wondering where my life is going to go from here.  I flash back to the musical as people keep "disapearing" from my life and now William.  Will does qualify in disapearing from aids complications....  I keep waking up and putting my best effort into the day..  But still......  I keep thinking of a needless death and having Mom & Dad read his death certificate as he never wanted them to know.  I told Williams friends and family "What do you think is going to be on this certificate ahy?"  These secrets just make me so angry..  Well now they know..  From a peice of paper...

"WITHOUT YOU"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrE7mh7Emj4

Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
without you

The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you

Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
lonely blue
willingly blue
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe

The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

Life goes on
but I'm gone
'cause I die, without you
without you
without you
without you.....

[leatherman]

I know, life goes on but Johnathan Larson had a point when he wrote "without you."  ...  I flash back to the musical as people keep "disapearing" from my life and now William.

ah, dammit Eric! You had to go and play the "rent" card, didn't you? 

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
lonely blue
willingly blue
Without you

But it's a beautiful piece of art, isn't it? You can plainly hear in the lyrics that Larson has been where you are, where I have been.

The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you

Why, I was just telling someone the other day, how I had longed for time to simply stop after Jim's death. It seemed wrong/immoral/disrepectful that "things" could continue on without Jim still in the world. I wanted nothing more than to walk around the house weeping, stumbling, falling to my knees with unquenchable sobs while the rest of the world cried too. But then the phone rang, the mailman came by, the dogs needed out, I was hungry, etc. Although I wanted to wallow in my rightful sorrow, life just kept flowing around me and eventually picked me up and washed me on down the stream in its currents.

Life goes on
but I'm gone
'cause I die, without you

Hearing these lines makes me think about what I said to you a while back about losing your "other half". The "me" that was "Jim and me" is no more. That person died too that day that day that Jim passed away and is gone from this world. The me that's here today, as life goes on, is somebody new - a bit scared, afraid and alone; but still alive and kicking, and struggling, just like everybody else, to find his way forward.

I keep wondering where my life is going to go from here.

To the same place it was always going - somewhere different and new!
it's just not going anymore to the new and different place that you supposed it was going.

  love and hugs!

[Life]

Last night at a meeting...  Driving 65 miles an hour in a blizard to make a meeting (insanity) I heard one simple thing.   I said "God does not give us anything that we cannot handle".  I said that this is bull shit and that God gives us free will to pick and choose our destiny.  William chose his.  I chose mine.   After sharing a wise old women chimmed in and said.   "Eric,  Its God will not give us anything HE cannot handle."   That was worth risking my life driving 65 miles per hour in a blizard....

Hugs,

Eric

Today I thought about William alot and what he would want for me.   I re-read alot of his emails and I know he was always looking out for both our best interest.   I wish he could have seen the big elephant in the room, but he chose to help others above all else.  To be of service to others above himself.  I will never forget what he did for me during our time together...

[Life]

Mike thank you as always for your insight into the feelings I to am moving through..  I spent today watching the snow storm on the river, having my coffee and being grateful for the time spent together.  I have no regrets other than it ended and that's were I have to say enough.   I try not to stay there for very long, other than just to "remember" and be grateful to have the support in getting through life.  So many here have helped me through their PM's and public posts that I feel safe in knowing that there is "hope" in my future.  What that might be is not up to me.   That is were I turn it over and say that I am grateful and leave the guilt, loss and loneliness and move forward as best I can... 

Love

Eric

[Life]

Well I had my first encounter at my home in Aspen with a dear friend from Denver who wanted to come and see me and go out for dinner.  He drove up from Denver and spent less than 24 hours after a six hour drive and another six out drive back down the hill.   We went out with his cousins who live on a ranch next to Goldie's and Kurt's house over looking Snowmass Ski area.  We talked and had a wonderful meal.  He then spent the night with me.   He understands that I am not ready for any kind of serious relationship, but it was so nice to again share the river and the mountains with someone else at my home.   He just left and I am again out standing by the river and looking up at God's creation, again feeling a bit lonely and isolated.   And, thinking about what me and William had together.  It always comes back to that feeling.   I know William is looking down on me.  He also new this friend that I had come visit and I know he would be happy I am engaging a bit more each and every day.   It is a bright sunny day and the snow is 4 feet tall in front of the house over looking the river.   How beautiful, and tranquil, and my thoughts wonder what is next in this life.  What is next..   I really want to find it, because I know its not going to come knocking at my door.  At least not yet with the snow in the way...   I still miss you William...  Life is such a blessing, I don't want to waste it waiting.

Eric

[Life]

I have not posted much since February....  I just wanted to say that in a fashion, I am better.   But the moments are still quite there...   It would seem I am walking down the road and re tracing my steps as they unfolded last year this time.   They say the first year after you loose someone you love namely my husband is the hardest.   I am not so sure there is a time frame to this so I don't schedule one.  

After alot of counseling, going to church, going to meetings I feel better but still feel alone in an empty house full of memories and possibilities that have had the door shut on them.   I still get angry, I still want questions answered but not so much anymore.

Have reached out to William's family (Mom and Dad) and they as far as I can tell are in severe depression about loosing their only son at their tender ages of 86-89.   Who will take care of them?   I certainly have tried to be there for them.   But it would seem they are still in shock and dispare about their son.   I have no intention of being their son, but I want them to know that they are not alone in their grief.  No phone calls, nothing.  So I continue to drop by every so often and see them....

As for myself...  My health continues to be fine...   Thank god for that.  My mental state when i am alone is of sadness.   I think of those who I have lost this year and now Tim.   "Death is just as much a part of life as living Tim would say".  I am not scared of dying, maybe I am more scared of living from time to time.   So, I continue to trudge along hoping for brighter days and a better future.  

William in the last month of his life said "I have found my corner of the Sky".  

I need to find mine now it would seem...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flb63q_iz1I&feature=related

Eric