Huge Anxiety, waiting for results.

[Mitosis]

Hello

I'm 19 gay (male) from the UK. I guess my post might get a little graphic but I guess it's necessary. About 10 weeks ago my boyfriend (18) and I had unprotected sex I was on the receiving end and thus I understand that puts me in the highest possible risk group and I believe I had prolonged exposure to his bodily fluids if I'm understand the whole "prolonged exposure" thing correctly. The relationship only continued for a few more weeks and protection was used each time we had sex after the first. However the relationship ended when I discovered that he was cheating and I discovered that he had been sleeping around with a lot of people.

Whilst I was going out with him he told me he had been tested and had nothing, yet he was never able to back this up with clinic results or anything and his best friend told me that he doubted he had ever been tested for anything let alone HIV. This revelation along with the previous terrified me and I have been battling with myself for the past 10 weeks to decide if I can face getting the test.

I then realised how selfish I was being by not getting the test. If I have HIV and don't know about it I could end up hurting those closest to me. I also owe it to my body, if I have contracted HIV from a horribly stupid mistake I made I need to be prepared to survive.

I got the blood test, and sexual health screen done on 26/05 and was told the all results would be back in around 10 days. Since I left the clinic the reality of the situation hit me. I haven't been sleeping, eating or simply functioning correctly. I am convinced that when I go back for my results the doctor is going to read a positive result. I am almost certain this will be the case as I am in the highest risk group.

I managed to find data on the internet saying that around 8,000 gay men are living with HIV in my city, and a third don't even know. The gay scene in my city is quite big and I know my ex was quite well known around the gay scene. I keep thinking he only needed to sleep with 1 of those 8,000 guys to catch HIV. And the chances of him actually doing that don't seem that far fetched at all.

Without droning on too much I know that the result is going to change my life completely. If it's positive like I think it's going to be I will obviously have to adapt my lifestyle to work with the drugs I will need to live. If I am given a second chance and the result is negative I will never put myself in a position as scary as this again.

However the waiting game seems to be tearing me up more than anything, Every minute of waiting I think about it, I think about who I will tell, how I will cope, what I am going to do when the doctor tells me.
I cant eat right, I haven't slept without a nightmare since I got tested. My guts seem to be churning around all day and night. It's awful.

I haven't told anyone close to me about my test or the agonising pain the wait is causing me so I guess sharing my situation on this forum has been quite helpful.

Thanks for reading.

[Ann]

Mitosis,

You're not necessarily going to end up poz over a one-time incident. Make sure you get your results when they're ready.

Please learn from this. Here's what you need to know in order to avoid hiv infection:

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together.

To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results.

Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

Ann

[Mitosis]

Hi Ann,

Thanks for the speedy reply.

I could sit here and blame my ex for everything and if it turns out I'm positive. I guess the only person I can actually blame is myself. I cannot believe I would let lust totally remove all common sense.

I am terrified to share any part of the experience (Never mind a positive diagnosis). With my mum - who without a doubt as been the biggest rock in my life. She has put up with and solved so many terrible mistakes I've made in the past.

The thought of being "alone" scares me more than the biological aspects of the virus itself. I hope that doesn't sound naive or offensive.

I want to ring the GUM clinic everyday and ask for the results but I know they already do their best to get quick results. If I had the money I would buy one of those private walk-in "instant tests". But then I ask myself do I really want to know?

Do I really have what it takes to go to the hospital be sat down and read my results. Even typing that gives a gut-wrenching feeling.

I have been (brave?) enough to get the test done so the least I can do is follow it up and get the results.

[Ann]

Mitosis,

YES, you REALLY want to know regardless of what your result turns out to be. You NEED to know. 

A positive diagnosis does not mean being alone. I'm poz and I'm not alone and most other poz people I know are not alone either. It's what you, yourself, make of it.

But stop putting the cart before the horse. Chances are in your favour of not being poz after only one unprotected encounter. Get your test results and decide where you go from there. It's the only way.

Ann

[Mitosis]

Having a really awful night.

I tried ringing the GUM clinic today on the off chance my results had come in early. The nurse said 14 days at the earliest as the specimens were sent off to another city for testing. I also her her snigger with another nurse when I questioned if there was any way to get them earlier. That made me feel like I was doing something wrong, wasting their time or something .

I know Ann has said don't put the cart before the horse. But I just feel something about me is different.

I look all over the internet to find statistics to find other stories like mine, I got worried when I seen hardly anyone posts stories like mine (Unprotected anal, [receptive with ejaculation]). Probably because Im just that stupid to let it happen. I see people post really silly questions and no-risk encounters and wish I was one of them.

I don't really know what to do the GUM nurse said "try" Monday (6th) for my results, if not monday then almost certainly Tuesday.

I have a biology exams on Tuesday the 7th quite ironic I guess. I'm stressing about that because there is no way I'm going to be able to do well on my exam with all this going on in my head.

Why did I have to be so bloody stupid

Also I've been trying to look at numbers and stuff over the internet I guess it doesn't help but I'm trying to help myself in every way.

Is the risk of transmission 1/1 when its receptive anal with ejaculation? (I am sure my rectum was damaged inside because the sex hurt like hell). I am assuming he is HIV+ too.

[Ann]

Mitosis,

How long is a piece of string? Me asking you that is like you asking me what are your exact chances. While you do have an excellent chance of coming out of a one-off ok, we don't engage in guessing games here. Only testing at the appropriate time will give you the answers you seek.

You're just going to have to suck it up until your results are in. I wish I had a magic wand to make it better but I don't. Welcome to the adult world.

Ann

[Mitosis]

Hi Ann,

I managed to speak to a counsellor today about my anxiety. I also managed to get myself too Manchester today. There is a Lesbian & Gay Foundation based there and they run an Rapid HIV Clinic on a Thursday. I spoke to the sexual health director there and told him my situation that I was already waiting on some tests and they were happy to let me take one of their rapid tests to help ease the anxiety.

The nurses and volunteers were great I went in to the clinic petrified and they totally calmed me down. I am not sure what type of instant test it was bit it was like a blue strip of paper with I think three different columns. She pricked my finger and used a mini pipette to suck up my blood and then squirted it onto one of the paper. Then I went back into the waiting room for 30 minutes.

There was about 8 other gay guys around my age waiting and talking even laughing. I was sat on my own just shivering. I saw everyone else get called back in one by one for their results they all came out smiling. I was last which scared me too. And I got a different nurse from the first one.

She asked me again when I last had a high risk situation and I said around 10-11 weeks defiantly over 6 weeks. She told me the result was negative, she also added that the result was "very clear". She said although I haven't reached the end of the 'window period' it was a very good result for the time that it was taken.

I still have to get my results back on Tuesday from my first HIV test. My anxiety is now that the rapid test may have been unreliable and the more vigorously tested blood would turn out to be positive.

Am I just being an idiot by thinking this, I know I have really bad anxiety problems and I'm trying to deal with that with counselling. Basically my question is has anyone in the UK seen this type of rapid test before and would a negative at 10-11 weeks a good sign.

Once again thank you so much for the website and the replies especially Ann who actually spent a lot of time giving me helpful information. I also managed to get loads of free condoms and lube which made me feel like I was back in control of myself.

[Ann]

Mitosis,

Rapid tests are very accurate and if anything, more prone to false positive results and only give false negative results very early on. You're past that point and I do not expect your result to change if you test again at twelve weeks.

Ann