My boyfriend dropped a bomb on me

[inlovebutterrified]

So I met this great guy about a year ago. There was always this nagging feeling that things were too good to be true. Well about 7 months into our relationship he told me that he was HIV positive as he literally sobbed at my feet. My heart hurt for him but I was terrified. We'd already been sexually involved. A lot. Most of the time we'd used protection but sometimes we didn't. He's been undetectable for two years and takes Atripla daily. He's also a relatively healthy guy. At any rate, after I calmed down and asked why he would do that to me, he said that he loved me and wanted to feel normal. How since he'd gotten the news that he was positive he'd felt shunned and outcasted. I made him feel alive again. People treated him like a leper once they found out. I get it. I empathized with him bc by that point I was in love with him as well. He told me he got it from a woman. After conducting my own research I found out that it's nearly impossible for a man to catch it from a positive woman unless several variables are at play. Everything I read said that men who say they got it through heterosexual encounters are usually lying. I pressed him about it and he was adamant about it being a woman but did confess to having homosexual experiences before! I was devastated. As a black woman one of my main fears was contracting hiv since we're supposed to be the top new cases. I feared meeting a man who was "down low" and thought I did everything to prevent it. He swears that he was just curious and thinks that the root of it was him being molested as a child. He swears he has NEVER had sex with a man and only received oral. He says he knows he's not gay or bisexual because after his curiosity passed he didn't want to do anymore and also because he felt so dirty and guilty and ashamed. But doesn't feel that way after being with women. I want to believe him but I'm scared as hell. The crazy part is it's not even the HIV that bothers me the most. It's ending up with a gay/bi man who may be sleeping with men behind my back. He gets so upset because he says I'm doubting him because I keep telling him that there are hardly any cases of heterosexual woman to man transmission. Every time I look at him I see gay things. My mind is going crazy. I want to be with him but not sure if I can get over all of this. I know he loves me and to be totally honest, he's been awesome besides this. He says I'm being hypocritical since I've had bisexual experiences but identify as straight. It's different for women in my mind. That maybbe wrong but...I truly believe he contracted the virus from anal sex with a man but just scared to admit it. I feel horrible bc I want to trust him but my mind keep telling me not to. I was tested a few weeks ago and it was negative. I'll get tested again in a few months. I'm so confused and lost and don't understand how the person I prayed for who is so perfect for me in every other way could come with all this baggage that is hard to accept. Thank you for listening.

[Dan0]

From reading your post I get the feeling that he equates all of these revelations that he's coming up with as a few mistakes in his life.  A mistake made more than once.....that's a decision.  It just doesn't add up.  At the very least, he's not putting you in a position of equality in this relationship.  It's all about him.

[Jeff G]

Welcome to the forum … I agree with Dan .

It is entirely possible that he got infected with HIV from a woman, after all HIV is predominately a heterosexual disease in many parts of the world . Its true that its easier for women to get HIV than man and thats only because of anatomy, but it’s a fact that men are infected with HIV from women every single day .

[Almost2late]

For what its worth, I caught hiv from a woman.. Now you can believe that or not, but whats more concerning about your relationship is that he put you at risk.. That he didn't come clean from the beginning, before sex...Not cool.

[inlovebutterrified]

Thanks for the responses. I also looked at HIV transmission stats in places like Africa and a lot of that also implied the majority of the men would lie bc homosexuality is frowned upon and punishable by law in some countries. I don't know if they people conducting these studies and writing these articles are biased or what but it definitely doesn't help. At any rate you guys are right. These are some extremely selfish self centered things he has done. I guess I just have to be sure about what I can deal with.

[inlovebutterrified]

Oh and I apologize if I came across as thinking all men who say they caught it from a woman are lying. I truly don't know what to believe. So much contradicting information smh

[Jeff G]

Thanks for the responses. I also looked at HIV transmission stats in places like Africa and a lot of that also implied the majority of the men would lie bc homosexuality is frowned upon and punishable by law in some countries. I don't know if they people conducting these studies and writing these articles are biased or what but it definitely doesn't help. At any rate you guys are right. These are some extremely selfish self centered things he has done. I guess I just have to be sure about what I can deal with.

Your view seems to still not fully accept that men are at high risk from unprotected anal or vaginal sex regardless of sexual orientation . Your insistence that HIV has to come from the gays and if a person says otherwise they are not being truthful is provocative . Do not misread my tone because I am not posting this in anger, Im attempting to educate you on the transmission of HIV .

[inlovebutterrified]

Jeff G. I'm probably being ignorant because before this all I knew about HIV came from sources that I realize now were not very reliable. So again, I totally apologize for seeming stubborn to the information you are providing, I'm really just repeating things I read. But I appreciate you educating me. As I stated, I'm just confused right now.

[Jeff G]

Here is some information about HIV you may find helpful. http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/WhatIsAIDS_4994.shtml

Also here is a link to our lesson on PrEP. http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Transmission_17146.shtml

[initforlife]

In love oh where to start I read this last night but just wasn't ready to respond.  I'm still dealing with some of the same issue's of you. Let me say I'm a straight woman.  i'm poz   first stop reading all the stuff on the internet I did that at first and it scared the hell out of me. a lot of things are out dated if you want info ask here trust me I ask a lot of question no one is going think your stupid for asking that's how we learn. Second is it really the fact he has hiv that bothers you or the fact he lied to you about it?  I understand the trust issue and at this point does it really matter where he got it from? Now he is poz deal with that and not how. You say you love him ? do you love him enough to learn more and to support him through this dx that's only something you can answer. You say you are afraid he is bi and will do it again? ok let me address this I have been with other women a few times in my life it is not something I had done on regular bases I do prefer guys but he saids he tried it and won't again. We all try things and do things doesn't mean we will do it again. again you have to  see if you can get past that. I dated many bi guys that's never was a problem to me . the problem to me was the one who lied to me about being bi  like I said trust is a big issue to me. anyway it is hard to deal with at first you will be mad and upset that's normal we are here to help anyway we can  . please feel free to pm me at any time . Don't blame gays for your boyfriends hiv it will get you no where fast. The people on this site gay or bi or not are and have been my life line and I love them all dearly so please listen to the ones who been around and living with this a long time. they are very wise and are tons of help...

[mecch]

I agree with others who explained that you cannot use his HIV status as proof that he is bi or gay. Hetero men get HIV.

Now, specifically about your man, and whether he is gay bi or straight. I would say be careful its not clear from what you tell us this guy is straight.
1) He lies. (about hiv)
2) he "felt shame" having "experiments" with guys.
In my experience (35 years of sex) - most staight guys who experiment a bit with guys are not so ashamed about it, and also don't hide it.   Most bi guys are honest about being bi.  Thats just my experience.  I think closet gay guys who really don't accept their own sexuality often feel shame when the have gay sex and "feel" "natural" when they have straight sex because that is what they desperately want to be, but are not.
Again, this is just my personal observation.  Also a blow job is sex.

You have a right to marry the kind of guy you want.  I suppose you don't want to marry someone secretive and passively dishonest and he was about HIV.  So....

I think you can't really know his sexuality based on his words and actions with you so far but you can know his character....